


One Night

by WindInYourSail



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2019-11-12 01:03:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 84,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18000845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WindInYourSail/pseuds/WindInYourSail
Summary: I decided to write in first person again... for better or worse.  I’ll write a summary later, because I can’t figure out how to do it without giving stuff away.This character does have a name, and we all know who the green eyed man working at the bar is... they just won’t find out each others name in the first chapter.





	1. Chapter 1

 

   It was late and the air was crisp and a little on the cool side when I decide to get out of my apartment to grab dinner somewhere. I was tired of unpacking and wanted to get to know the city I had moved to, so I looked up a few restaurants on my phone before settling on a nice looking one that had a bar area I could eat at while enjoying a drink. It was Friday and my new job didn't start until Monday so I thought I’d unwind a bit from the stress of moving before life kicked in again.  
   The place was only a two block walk from my apartment and looked nice on the inside, _so far so good,_ I thought.  
   "Would you like a table?" The hostess asked.  
   "No, I'll check the bar." I reply passing the hostess to find a seat. The bar area was fuller than I had expected but there was one seat on the corner available.  
   I’m not stupid, I know I’m pretty... beautiful is the word other use, and while I’m not upset by any means to be considered attractive, I have had to deal with unwanted attention because of it. In middle school and high school, boys continually made me feel uncomfortable because of my looks. I don’t know how many of them actually meant to, but the guys I tended to attract thought they deserved to date me... be seen with me... maybe just sleep with me, I’m really not sure... I never dated any of them. Men my fathers age would comment on my looks starting as early as age seven, and while none of them ever flat out hit on me, it didn’t make it any less creepy. Now I have mixed feelings about my looks and will shy away from comments even if deep down I know they’re just meant to be nice.  
   Because of this, I never dated in high school, and didn’t have an actual relationship until my senior year of college. We were together for four years and he was my first almost everything. I mean I had kissed guys before him, but that was pretty much it. After we broke up,I swore off men for a while... a long while. I eventually dated another guy for a few months, but it never felt right. So here I am at thirty two, single, though I’m ok with that, moved to New York because I happened to see a job posting, and have no idea what caused me to be so impulsive or if I’ve made a huge mistake.  
   I take the only seat available at the bar and smile when the man at an angle from me doesn’t bother to look up from his work. I don’t assume every guy will hit on me, but sometimes feel relief when they don’t seem to notice me at all.  
   “What can I get you to drink?” The bartender asks.  
   “Dirty vodka martini and a menu.”  
   “Coming up.” He replies, winking at me. I chalk this up to getting a better tip and begin to settle myself in the seat just as my phone rings.  
   This has garnered the attention of the man sitting opposite the corner to me, so I give a quick, “sorry,” before groaning as I look at the screen.  
   “Hi mom.” I answer, noticing the man next to me smirk.  
   “Mom. Would you stop. My apartment is perfectly safe." I mouth ‘thank you’ as the bartender sets down my drink and hands me a menu. “Really mom? No one is going to call you because they found me chopped up and stored in a freezer somewhere."  
   At this the man beside me chuckles and I can’t help but notice that he’s rather attractive when he looks amused and the fine lines around his eyes crinkle.  
   "Mom, I am about to eat dinner can I call you back when you are more rational? Ok. I love you too. Bye" I sigh and set my phone on the bar next to my drink.  
   “Sorry to laugh.” The man sitting next to me says, but he’s still smiling. “Does your mom really think New York is that bad?”  
   “You have no idea,” I chuckle while glancing at the menu. “Have you eaten here before?”  
   He swirls the drink in front of him. "Too often. You really can't go wrong with anything on the menu. I have yet to have a meal I didn't enjoy."  
   I return my attention to the menu, settling on the trio of tapas appetizer. My hand rest on my phone, my intention to read through the news, but instead I pause turning my attention back to the man next to me.  
   “How long have you lived in New York?” I ask as I take a sip of my drink, ignoring the little part of me that is questioning my decision to talk to the stranger in the bar.  
   “Pretty much my whole life.” He smiles, closing the file and slipping it in his brief case.  
   “Pretty much?”  
   “I left for school and then moved back.” He smirks. “Where are you from? I take it you just moved here.”  
   “Yeah, from Portland, Maine.” I feel the need to clarify which Portland, because mine isn’t the first one you think of.  
   “Oh, so not that much of a change.” He quips, causing me to chuckle. It’s true though. Nothing about the city I grew up in even remotely resembles New York.

   We’ve talked through dinner, three more of whatever he’s drinking and my martinis, which thankfully aren’t very strong.  
   “Last call guys.” The bartender states, interrupting our conversation.  
   I look around, noticing for the first time that we’re some of the few people left at the bar and the restaurant seems to have cleared out too. “What time is it?”  
   “It’s eleven thirty, but we close at twelve when the restaurant does.” The bartender replies.  
   I look at the man sitting next to me, but don’t say anything. I’m torn because I’m not forward enough to make the first move, and yet I don’t want to stop talking to him. _Just ask for his number or something..._  
   "Do you want to continue this somewhere else?"  
   "Sure." I smile, relieved that he’s asked.  
   He turns to the bartender, “just one ticket for both of us.”  
   The bartender hurries off before I can object. “You don’t have to do that.”  
   "You saved me from a night of work that could wait until Monday. Dinner is the least I can do." He smiles.  
   The bartender returns with the tab and the man hands him his card before I can protest again.  
   "Thank you for dinner."  
   "Was that so hard." He says smiling as he fills out the tip and puts his card away. I stand when he does, both of us slipping our jackets back on.  
   Once outside, I glance up at him. "Where to? I just moved here so unless you want to help me finish off the rum at my apartment, I have no clue where to go."  
   “I enjoy rum every once in a while.” He smirks and I can’t tell if he’s serious or joking.  
   “My apartments not far.” I’ve shocked myself with my suggestion to take him home and yet here I am guiding him to my apartment.  
   “You’re not going to chop me up and store me in your freezer are you?” He jokes.  
   “Funny.” I smirk, giving him a playful shove that results with his arm around me.

   I pull the bottle of rum from my freezer and set it on the counter. “All I have is coke to mix it with.” I say, pulling two glasses down from the cabinet.   
   He walks closer as I pour the drinks. “Coke is fine.”  
   I watch as he picks up his and takes a sip, moving even closer to me. My back isn’t far from the counter as he closes the space between us, reaching his arm passed my waist to sit his drink on the counter behind me. Our eyes meet as he slowly leans in, bringing his lips closer to mine, and I feel myself tense up, the reality of bringing him into my apartment setting in when our lips finally meet.  
   “Is this ok?” He asked pulling away slightly.  
_Don’t over think and just go with it for a change..._ “Yes, I just don’t do this very often... ever really.” I smile.  
   “Truth be told, neither do I.” He smirks and pulls me closer, leaning in to kiss me again.  
   I relax this time, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and running my fingers though his hair. He lifts me up and my only option is to wrap my legs around him. I should question whether I believe that he also doesn’t do this often, but in this moment I don’t care. I never take risks, never act impulsively, and when he sets me on my bed all I can think is to kick my shoes off as my fingers find the buttons on his shirt.  
   I feel his hand run up my thigh, lifting the skirt I’ve worn higher, his fingers slipping under my panties, lightly grazing my clit as his mouth muffles the short gasp that’s escaped me. I’ve got his shirt undone, but can’t manage to remove it while my body reacts to his hand between my legs, the probing and swirling of his fingers. He has me on edge and I know I’m gripping his hair as I moan against his lips, my hips bucking slightly but he continues his tantalizing torture of my clit. I groan something indiscernible as my head pulls back and body gives into the orgasm, his kisses moving to my neck, gently coaxing me back down.  
   I tug at the shirt I’ve only managed to unbutton so far, noticing the smile tug at his lips when he removes it for me. Neither of us waste much time removing the clothing we both seem to feel the other has too much of. Soon, his lips are on mine again as our skin presses flush against each other. My eyes widen and I can’t help the gasp that I’ve breathed out when I feel him push inside me.  
   “Are you ok?” He asks, pausing to look at me.  
   I nod and pull him back to my lips, fearing the sound I’ll make if I try to speak. I haven’t seen him so I have no idea if he’s on the larger size or it’s because it’s been so long since I’ve slept with someone. I close my eyes and focus on his mouth and tongue until I feel him bottom out and my body adjust to accommodate him. He moves gently at first, _probably because I’m tense again,_ I open my eyes and force myself to relax, lifting my hips to meet his as his thrust become more deliberate. I know I’m moaning loudly, and for a brief moment hope the walls are thicker than I fear they are, but that thought is quickly replaced by the building sensations in my groin.  
   “Fuck.” I pant, pulling my lips from his as my neck arches back. My fingers tug at his hair as his kisses find my neck and shoulder until they turn into soft grunts against my neck. I can feel my muscles tightening around him and it seems like I can feel all of him pushing in to me, pulling out of me... again and again. I’m just sitting on the edge, waiting, until suddenly my hips jerk against his and my body arches beneath him. His thrust become more purposeful, almost greedy, until he stills, holding himself deep inside me. I smile as my eyes meet his again.  
   “They’re green.” Why I’ve said this out loud I have no idea. It was meant to be thought, but his eyes are soft and he almost seems worried so I’ve spoken.  
   “What are?” He questions.  
   “Your eyes, I thought they were brown at the bar.” I clarify.  
   “Yeah, they tend to seem darker in low lighting.” He smirks, pressing his lips to mine again.  
   We readjust so that I’m laying in his arms, neither of us speaking, just enjoying being next to each other. I begin to overthink what I’ve done, _bringing a stranger home... and having sex with them..._ I internally roll my eyes at how stupid the decision actually was, but can’t help the smile that spreads across my face when I look up to find him gazing at me. I pull myself up to kiss him again when his phone rings.  
   “Of course...” He mutters, giving me a quick peck before moving to grab his phone from the pocket of his pants that are falling off the edge of my bed.  
   He looks at the caller ID and sighs. “Hey Liv. You're sure it can't wait. Ok. Yeah, I'm on my way."  
   I watch as he picks up his clothes, starting to get dressed again when he pauses and crawls back across the bed so he can kiss me. “I am so sorry. My work... I’m pretty sure it conspires against me having any kind of life.” He sighs apologetically, giving me another quick kiss.  
   “It’s ok,” I smile, “I understand the strains of a demanding job.” Work... one of the few things it seems we haven’t talked about...  
   “Let me make it up to you.” He says, pulling back to look at me again.  
   “What’d you have in mind?” I pull him out of bed behind me and turn to help him get dressed.  
   “Same place next Friday, seven o’clock?” I’ve chosen to ignore the smirk on his face as I stand naked in front of him buttoning his shirt.  
   “It’s a date.” I smile while trying to hide how excited I am that I’ll get to see him again.  
   Once he’s fully dressed, he pulls me against him and kisses me one last time. “Next Friday.” He hums against my cheek before pulling away to leave.  
   “Definitely.” I smile, watching him slip out my front door.  
   I lock the door behind him and make my way to my bedroom to slip on pajamas. I stare at my mess of a bed, but am too wound up to sleep. I venture back to the kitchen to make another drink, before settling down on the couch to watch I little Netflix. _Jesus, Maeve... you didn’t even ask his name._ I honestly don’t know, in this moment, whether to feel slutty or pleased with myself... I definitely enjoyed myself.


	2. Chapter 2

 

   Monday morning rolled around faster than I had hope it would, but I still managed to drag myself out of bed at five to fit my morning jog in before getting ready for my first day of work. It’s not that I’m dreading work, I’ve always loved my job, it’s the first day thing I’m anxious about. I glance at the clock, noticing it’s barely seven thirty, I’m not scheduled to be there until eight, so I have plenty of time to stop for coffee which makes me happier than it probably should. I really lucked out on this apartment. It’s small, but within my budget and only a six block walk to my new job.  
   I arrive at the precinct a quarter to eight and decided to go ahead and head in, I’ve always preferred to be early. It’s quiet and as I walk in I notice most of the desk are empty. I’m feeling slightly lost when a brunette exits her office.  
   “Can I help you?”  
   “Yes. I’m looking for Lieutenant Olivia Benson.” I’m trying to sound more confident than I feel.  
   “I’m her, but please call me Liv, everyone else does. You’re Detective Walsh?” I nod and she gestures to her office, so I follow.  
   Liv sits at her desk, picking up what I assume is my file as take a seat across from her. “Everything with your transfer looks in order. You’ve got great references, it seems your squad in Maine is going to miss you.”  
   “I’ll miss them too.” I can’t help but smile as I think about the people I worked with in Portland. They really are a good group.  
   “Why New York?” Liv asks.  
   “Why not New York?” I smile, fighting off the half shrug that tugging at my shoulder. I can’t tell her it was on a whim, that I saw the job posting and literally thought _why not..._ That sounds too flaky and I’m not flaky. I’m pragmatic... _usually..._ overly analytical in my approach to the decisions I make. I sat on the decision for a month before even applying, honestly surprised to see it still listed, but ultimately I had to do something. Nothing was happening with my life in Portland and I’m aware the same nothing could happen here, but at least taking a chance meant I never had to look back and think I never tried.  
   We both notice the bullpen start to fill with voices.  
   “I’ll introduce you.” Liv says as she stands. “Do you go by Maeve or something else?”  
   “Maeve or Mea. I’ll answer to either and like both.” I answer, following her out of her office.  
   Four heads turn our direction as we exit. One, the older of the four, is sitting and looks as though he’s arrived earlier than the others who are still standing and settling into the morning.  
   “This is Detective Maeve Walsh, she’s joining us from Maine.” Liv says, before pointing to each of the people staring back at me. “Mae, these are detectives Amanda Rollins, Dominick Carisi, Nick Amaro, and Odafin Tutuola or Fin.”  
   I give a small wave and a similar gesture is returned. _Why are first days are so awkward?_  
   Liv walks to a desk across from Carisi and informs me that it will be mine. “You can partner with Nick. He’s been here a while and can help you get your bearings.”  
   “Thanks.” I smile, setting my bag and coffee on the desk, sitting myself when she disappears back into her office.  
   “So, do you prefer Mae or Maeve?” Carisi asks from across our desks.  
   “Either one honestly, I’ve grown up being called both. What about you?”  
   “My family calls me Sonny, but everyone here calls me Carisi. I guess I’m the same on it not mattering which name is used. What part of Maine are you from?”  
   I smile thinking about home. “Portland.”  
   “Portland’s pretty,” Rollins interjects from her desk, “I answer to Amanda or Rollins though most people use Rollins. Nick is the same, Nick or Amaro, expect most people call him Nick. Everybody calls Fin, Fin. How’re you liking New York?”  
   “I’ve only been here a week.” I chuckle.  
   “You have family or anything here?” Fin asks.  
   “Nope, just up and moved.”  
   “Brought a boyfriend with you?” Nick asks.  
   “It’s just me.” I smile without really meaning to as I think of the mystery man from Friday.

   The rest of the morning goes smoothly. I’ve worked on some paperwork from their case over the weekend. I’m filing the last of that paperwork when Rollins invites me to lunch, a little pizza place not far from the station.  
   “You guys seem to get along pretty well.” I mention as we sit, not knowing enough about her to have anything else to say.  
   “Most days.” She smiles.  
   “I’m a little surprised it hasn’t been busier this morning.”  
   “It’ll pick up. that’s the sad thing about SVU, it doesn’t stay slow for long.” She says this just as her phone rings. “Yeah, Liv, she’s with me. Bellevue? No, we can head there now.”  
   I take one last bite and toss what’s left of my slice and follow her out, both of us now enlisted to interview a victim at Bellevue.  
   “Stacy? We’re going to ask you some questions ok?” Rollins asks the girl who looks pretty shaken.  
   “Ok.” Stacy nods.  
   “Can you tell us what happened?” I asks.  
   Stacy closes her eyes and tears start to form. “He came out of nowhere and pulled me into an empty classroom. It was late so most of the building was empty, only a few classes meet in the evenings. I was leaving my Calculus class. He shut the door, held a knife to my neck, and said if I screamed he would kill me. Then he pushed me up against the wall and pulled up my skirt and my panties down and..." She starts to cry again.  
   “Ok Stacy." Rollins says in a comforting voice. "Did you know him?"  
   Stacy shakes her head. "I've never seen him before, but I would recognize him if I saw him again."  
   "That's good Stacy." I assure here. "Have you done a rape kit?"  
   Stacy closes her eyes again. "No."  
   "You should." Rollins adds. "It could help us catch him as well as get you checked out to make sure you're ok."  
   “Ok.” Stacy nods.

   When we return to the precinct everyone is starting to put pieces of the case together.  
   “Rollins. Maeve. What did you find out?” Liv asks as we join them.  
   Rollins speaks first. “She doesn't know the attacker but she says she would recognize him if she saw him again."  
   "He pulled her into an empty classroom, held a knife to her throat, and sexually assaulted her. She’s agreed to a rape kit." I add.  
   "Tell me this isn't another rape at Hudson University?" I hear someone say behind me and I freeze. I’m pretty sure I recognize the voice, but can’t bring myself to turn around just yet and confirm my fears. _This Maeve... this is why you don’t act impulsively..._ Over eight million people live in this city and I’ve managed to sleep with someone from work.  
   “Sorry to disappoint, but that’s exactly what this is.” Carisi says and I know everyone else is facing him but I just can’t yet.  
   "Barba, this is our new addition, Detective Maeve Walsh," Liv announces and I have no choice but to turn, “Mae this is our ADA Rafael Barba.”  
   His eyes widen slightly, but other than that doesn’t give away that we’ve met and extends his hand to shake mine. It’s a gesture that, while fitting, seems strange given how much contact our bodies have already had.  
   “It’s nice to meet you.” I know I’m pinkish and I’m thankful my back is to everyone else.  
   “Nice to meet you too, Mae was it?” He’s annoyingly composed and I resolve to be the same.  
   “Mae or Maeve, whichever you prefer.”  
    ~~Barba~~... ~~Rafael~~... no... Barba turns his attention to the rest of the detectives, forcing me to take a breath and turn around myself.  
   “So what have we got?” He asks and Liv jumps into the details of the case.  
   We spend the better part of the afternoon discussing the little information we have and what steps to take next. We’ve gone back and forth between standing around the whiteboard and sitting at our desk, Barba and Liv moving in and out of her office. And I know I should be focused on the case but my mind keeps wandering to what they’re talking about in there. _Surely he wouldn’t say anything..._  
   It’s close to seven and everyone, including Barba, is seated somewhere around the bullpen. I’m slightly surprised he’s still here. The ADA at my old precinct was in and out of the station as quickly as possible. No one else seems to think this is unusual, so I ignore both the hope and fear I have that he’s still there because of me.  
   “Don’t colleges have cameras in the hallways?” Rollins blurts, pulling everyone’s attention to her.  
   “Mine did... at least I think.” I reply, trying to picture the hallways as I waited between classes. I’m pretty sure I remember seeing cameras mounted on the ceiling...  
   “Find out and I’ll get you warrants for the cameras first thing in the morning.” Barba states as he stands to leave.  
   “Do you really need a warrant for camera in a hallway on campus? Wouldn’t the school want to help?” I question.  
   “You would think...” Fin grumbles.  
   I furrow my brow so Carisi elaborates. “Hudson doesn’t have the greatest track record with dealing with sexual assaults in way that help our investigations.”  
   “They prefer us not to be there.” Rollins huffs.  
   "Carisi and Rollins find out if they have cameras and if they do get the footage in the morning, we can start fresh tomorrow." Liv says, dismissing us for the day.  
   Rollins and Carisi are the first out the door. I’m straightening a few things on my desk, as I like starting my mornings with and organized work station even if it means a few extra minutes at the end of the day, when Nick approaches me. "Do you live far? I've got a little paperwork to finish but if you want I can give you a ride home."  
   I smile and slip my bag over my shoulder. “Thanks, but I'm going to go ahead and head out. It's not that far though." Quickly leaving before he can counter. And I know I’m being paranoid and he’s probably just being nice, but it would only make things worse if Nick were to make a pass at me on top of sleeping with our ADA.

   The six blocks gives me time to think about Barba and last Friday. _Stupid, stupid, stupid..._ I really can’t believe I work with him. I was so excited for Friday and now... I’m just about to lay into myself when I hear my name.  
   “Maeve.” It soft and it’s him and I turn in the direction of the sound to find Barba walking towards me.  
   “Hi Barba.” _Jesus, I can’t even look at him._  
   He gently pulls my chin up so that I’m forced to face him. “Call me Rafael, please. Can we talk?”  
   His eyes are soft, not as intense and focused as they had been at the precinct. They also seem worried again and I relax a bit. “My place?” I ask knowing he knows we’re less than a block away.  
   Rafael nods and we walk in silence to my apartment. Once inside, I toss my purse on the couch and head to the kitchen. “Do you want a drink for this? I think I might need a drink...” I mutter, fumbling with the bottle of rum.  
   “Maeve...” I feel his hands on my shoulders and I set the unopened bottle on the counter.  
_He really has a nice voice... and I like hearing him say my name... stop._ I exhale and turn to face him.  
   “I just started today and I promise I didn’t know who you were and,” my voice gets lower as I more scold myself than speak to him, “the one time I decide to be reckless and sleep with a stranger it ends up being someone I work with...”  
   “Maeve.” He says again and there’s a bit of amusement behind it that I don’t pick up on.  
   “We can pretend it never happened, ok? I promise I won’t make things weird.” I turn and fiddle with the bottle again, not really wanting a drink anymore, but because I can’t look at him. I don’t want to pretend it never happen, and right now, all I want is for one of us to work anywhere else so we can keep our dinner plans for Friday night.  
   I hear him sigh, but it doesn’t sound like its out of relief. “You really want to pretend it never happened?  
   I set the bottle on the counter again and turn to face him. “No...”  
   “Me either.” He says, closing his arms around me.  
   “What do we do then?” I ask, my head resting against his chest as I return the embrace, his arms having a calming effect.  
   “I’m not entirely sure, I’ve never dated someone I work with and truthfully never intended to.”  
   “At least we have that in common...” I chuckle. “Should we disclose... whatever this is?”  
   “I think if we can remain professional at work, we can explore this, maybe see if there’s something worth disclosing.”  
   “Ok.” I nod against his chest. When I look up, I’m greeting with his lips and I realize I’ve wanted him to kiss me all day. From the way he’s gripping my hair and pulling me closer, I get the impression that perhaps he’s felt the same.  
   “We should probably talk this through.” He pants once our lips part.  
   I nod and drag him to my couch. The next few hours are spent there, just talking. We cover the logistics of working together while attempting to date, but decide to slow things down a bit so we can actually get to know one another. The Friday night dinner plans would remain, but this time we had names and phone numbers exchanged going into it. I would continue to call him Barba at work and we would keep things private until we knew for sure what was happening between us.  
   “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” He smirks while standing at my door.  
   “It would seem so.” I smile pushing up to kiss him before watching him walk down the hall, only closing my door when he’s disappeared down the stairs.


	3. Chapter 3

 

   Work had been going well, things with Rafael had been going well. I’ve been at SVU for three weeks and have happily fallen into a nice routine, well as routine as you can get with our schedules. I’m actually surprised at how often I see Rafael at work... though he’s Barba at work... Barba... I keep reminding myself this so I don’t slip up and sound too familiar with him.  
   “Mae, you ready?” Nick asks as he approaches my desk.  
   “Yes, but I’m driving.” I smile and pull out my phone. “What’s the address?”  
   Nick rolls his eyes at how reliant I am on GPS. “I can guide you there.”  
   “Yes, but I’m a visual learner and seeing the map as I drive helps me learn my way around.”  
   “Whatever.” He says, but he seems amused as he gives me the address.  
   When we arrive at our victim, Anna’s, home something doesn’t feel right. The front door is cracked when we reach it which isn’t a good sign even though she knows we’re coming. Nick and I exchange glances and each draw our weapons, Nick entering the apartment first with me not far behind him.  
   “Anna! It’s Detectives Amaro and Walsh, you here?” Nick calls. There’s no answer, but we do hear rustling from her bedroom.  
   In the bedroom we find Anna unresponsive on the floor and her window leading to the fire escape is open. Nick looks out and quickly climbs through the window, chasing the person that’s climbing down the fires escape leaving me with Anna.  
   “Anna, can you hear me?” She still unresponsive. Her hair is matted to the back of her head with blood, but she has a faint pulse. I quickly call for a bus, and not too long after hear Nick put out an APB on Justin Dunlap, the guy Anna had previously filed a report on.  
   Nick makes his way back to the apartment shortly after they take Anna to the hospital.  
   “Anna alive?” He ask, joining me as I look around the apartment, trying to piece together what happened.  
   “Barely.” I sigh. “It was Justin?”  
   “It was.” Nick nods.   
   We stick around for a while with CSU before leaving them to finish up and head back to the precinct.  
   “How’s Anna doing?” I ask when we enter the bullpen. Liv and Fin are discussing something as they stand around Fin’s desk.  
   “She’s stable, but not awake yet. Carisi and Rollins are waiting to talk to her when she does. They’ve sent some scrapings from under her nails off to the lab, but we’re still waiting on a full work up.” Liv replies.  
   “You want me to take Nick and canvass area businesses for camera’s facing the entrance and fire escape of Anna’s building, see if we get lucky and can put him at the scene?” Fin offers.  
   “I can check street cams.” I add.  
   Liv nods, returning to her office as the three of us set out on our assignments. The first camera I look at gives me a view of someone running from the building, but it’s too far away to be able to identify who it is. It does give me a better view of the street so I can choose a camera I think may have a better angle. The next camera is much closer, but it catches only the back of Justins head. I choose a camera that I think will catch is face and luck into a undeniable shot of him running toward it before he disappears down some subway steps. The only problem with the video is it doesn’t place him at Anna’s building. I’ve pieced the clips together creating a timeline and take what I’ve found to Liv.  
   “Hey Liv,” I knock, entering her office when she motions me in, “I can piece together street camera footage of Justin running from Anna’s apartment, but he’s not identifiable until I get to a camera that show Anna’s building.” I hand her the iPad so she can see for herself.  
   “Take it to Barba, see if it’s enough.” She says, handing the iPad back to me after she finishes viewing it.  
   “Any word on Anna?” I ask.  
   “She’s not awake yet, the hospital will call when she’s conscious. I’ve got Carisi and Rollins searching for Justin.”  
   I nod, but don’t say anything as I exit her office.

   “Is he in?” I ask Carmen noticing the blinds are drawn when I reach her desk.   
   She nods, making her way to ~~Rafael~~ Barba’s door, lightly knocking before opening it. “Detective Walsh is here.”  
   I can hear a muffled response. “You can go in.” Carmen says, holding the door wider only to close it after I pass her.  
   He smiles as I approach his desk, so I smile back. And why not? We may be at work, but in this moment, with the blinds drawn, it’s just the two of us.  
   I quickly explain why I’m there, handing him the iPad so he can see the footage for himself.  
   “You can clearly see the progression from her building to the video clip that identifies him... I just wish it was more straight forward. There’s plenty of ways the defense can argue against this.” He sighs, handing it back to me.  
   “That’s kind of what I thought.”  
   “Is Justin in custody?”  
   “No. Rollins and Carisi are looking for him. Nick and Fin are checking the businesses around her building for security cameras that might place him there.”  
   “How’s Anna?”  
   “Still not conscious.” I sigh.  
   “You ok?” He quirks an eyebrow at me and I guess I sound more affected than I mean to.  
   “We were supposed to just follow up with her statement... ask a few more questions...” I’m interrupted by my phone, stopping to answer when I see that it’s Liv.  
   “Rollins and Carisi are bringing Justin in, see if Barba can come back with you.” She’s short with me, but I can tell a lot is going on from the noise in the background.  
   “Ok.” I hang up and turn my attention back to Rafael. “They’re bringing Justin in now.”  
   Rafael stands, straightening his tie and shirtsleeves. I’m not far from him and when I notice he’s fumbling with a cufflink so I fasten it for him.  
   “Thanks.” He smiles, pausing for a moment to look at me before slipping his vest and jacket back on. “Did you drive?”  
   “I did.”  
   “I’ll ride with you then.” He smirks, gently guiding me towards the door, his hand resting on the small of my back. And while I expect it, I’m still saddened when the hand drops back to his side once we’re on the other side.  
   “Do you think this will go to trial?” It’s not a long drive back to the precinct, but the car does give us another moment alone.  
   “Before today I really didn’t think we’d find enough evidence to build a case. Now that we can link him to a second attack... we’ll have to see what CSU finds and what Anna can tell us when she wakes up.” He exhales.  
I reach over the console, taking his hand in mine. “Anyway to go to trial without involving Anna?”  
   “Depends on the evidence you get me.” He smirks, squeezing my hand gently.  
   We ride in silence for a moment, neither of us bothering to unlace our fingers. I giggle when I glance over an notice him watching me. “Mr. Barba, are staring at me?”  
   “Just drive Maeve, you know you’re beautiful.” And it’s the first time I think I’ve seen him blush.  
   “You know, I have a pretty nice view myself.” I smile, running my thumb across the back of his hand.

   “Where is he?” Barba ask when we enter the bullpen.  
   Rollins and Carisi are sitting at their desk and look up when he speaks.  
   “He asked for a lawyer.” Carisi replies.  
   “What did you get before he asked?” Barba huffs.  
   “Nothing. He lawyered up before we even got him into interrogation.” Rollins adds.  
   “Anyone good?” Barba questions, sitting in the chair next to my desk.  
   “Court appointed.” Carisi answers and I have to bite my lip not to laugh at the face Barba’s made. _He looks so pleased... and it’s cute..._ I pick up the file on my desk so that I’ll stop looking at him and try to focus on actual work while we wait for the defense attorney.

   It seems to be taking forever for an attorney to arrive... the downside of having to relay on the court finding representation for you, but for us it’s seems to be working out well. Nick and Fin have returned with better footage of Justin running from Anna’s apartment, Liv and Rollins have gone and interviewed Anna, and the scrapings from under Anna’s nails are back containing DNA that we hope to match to Justin once the warrant comes through.  
   Liv and Barba join the attorney when he finally arrives in interrogation while the rest of us wait in the bullpen. We barely have time to speculate on the outcome when the public defender, Liv, and Barba reenter the bullpen, the two attorneys shaking hands.  
   “I’ll send the paperwork to your office in an hour.” Barba says as he and the other attorney head toward the elevator.  
   “He took a plea?” Carisi asks, beating me to the question.  
   “He did,” Liv nods, “let’s get him to Rikers.”  
   “I’ll let Anna know?” Rollins states, gathering her bag when Liv nods again.

   “I’m really glad Anna doesn’t have to go through a trial.” Carisi says from across our desk as we work on closing out the case.  
   I glance up from my work. “Me too.”  
   “How much paperwork you got left?” He asks, leaning forward in his chair a bit.  
   It’s getting close to the end of the day and I have made quite a bit of progress. “Not too much.” I reply.  
   “You want to grab a drink after work?” He asks as my phone buzzes with a text from Rafael, “Dinner?”  
   I look back at Carisi. “I’m sorry, I can’t tonight. Rain check?”  
   “Sure.” He almost seems disappointed, but smiles.  
   I send a text back to Rafael asking where he wants to meet.

   Rafael has a table and is already halfway through a scotch when I arrive at the restaurant. We’ve spent each weekend together and even managed a few dinners after work over the last three weeks, but haven’t done more than kiss since that first night. Ok... we’ve made out like groping teenagers during movies we intended to watch, but mostly we’ve talked.  
   “Your brother, is he older or younger.” Rafael asks.  
   We’ve been talking about our families for the majority of dinner it seems, or at least I’ve been telling him stories of my brother’s antics when he was younger.  
   “Jacob’s five years older than me.”  
   “He your only sibling?”  
   “Yep. He’s matured over the years and gets along great with our parents now, but I will always be considered the good kid.” I smile at this because I love my brother, but he seemed to enjoy stressing our parents.  
   “Is he overprotective?” Rafael smirks.  
   “Hardly. When he was in high school, he always tried to get me to hang out with him and his friends, because they asked him too. It was almost worse when he started college. I never did though.”  
   “Wouldn’t you have still been in junior high when he was in high school?”  
   I roll my eyes which seems to suffice as an answer. “What about you? Any siblings?”  
   “I’m afraid I’m an only child.”  
   “And yet still not the good kid.” I tease.  
   “My mouth tended to be the problem.” He smirks.  
   “At least you’ve got it under control now.” I quip, causing him to huff out a quick laugh. I haven’t been working with him long, but it’s still long enough to know that he doesn’t mince words and it isn’t always well received.  
   “Shit.” Rafael mutters, his demeanor no longer light and playful.  
   “What?”  
   “Carisi, Amaro, and Rollins just sat at the bar.”  
   “Have they seen us?”  
   “No.” He’s watching them more than looking at me.  
   “What do you want to do?”  
   Rafael thinks for a minute. “You sneak out, I’ll pay then meet you at your place.”  
   “Ok.” I quickly grab my bag and leave, taking a longer path to my exit so that I remain out of sight from the bar area.  
   Barba had almost made it to the door when he’s spotted by Carisi. “Hey counselor.”  
   “Hi Carisi. Amaro. Rollins.” He says joining them in the bar area.  
   “You here alone? I thought you normally ate at the bar when it was just you.” Nick queries.  
   “Felt like eating at a table tonight.” Barba replies.  
   “Want to join us for a drink?” Carisi asks.  
   “Another time perhaps, I’m heading back to the office to finish some paperwork.” Barba says, leaving the three to their drinks.

   I’ve kicked off my shoes and am pacing my living room as I wait for Rafael. I’m not nervous that he’s coming over, just worried we were seen... because I’m not sure how that would change things. I’m just starting to panic when the knock at my door forces me to steady myself.  
   “You made a stop.” I glance at the large brown paper bag he’s carrying.  
   He smiles as he passes me, setting the bag on my kitchen counter. “Rum for you,” he pulls out a handle, “whiskey for me,” he pulls out another handle, “and coke to mix it with.”  
   “Are you trying to get me drunk?” I chuckle mostly at the size of the bottles he’s decided to buy.  
   “No one said you had to drink all of it tonight.” Rafael smirks.  
   I roll my eyes and grab two glasses from the cabinet, putting ice in each. Rafael pours rum in one and whiskey in the other and I top both off with coke.  
   “We may need to find some places to eat further from the station.” I mention, because I need to know if he’s as stressed about this as I am.  
   “Yes we do, but now we have something to drink here on those nights we can’t think of anything and want to just order in.” He smiles, reaching his arms around me and pulling me closer. “I have wanted to kiss you since you helped me with my cufflink earlier.”  
   His mouth is so close to mine I can almost taste the scotch on his breath, and I want to taste it... to taste him. I can’t stand scotch, it’s not a drink I would ever order for myself, but the subtle flavor on his tongue mixed with him and his scent is intoxicating. I push up, crashing my lips into his and his arms constrict around me, pressing me tightly against him, his tongue colliding with mine.  
   I could kiss him for hours... I’m pretty sure I have kissed him for hours, but we’re standing in my kitchen and soon the embrace slows and Rafael exhales, pressing his forehead to mine. “This might be the craziest thing I’ve ever done...” His voice is breathy and distant, almost as though he’s more in thought than speaking to me.  
   “What do you mean?” I’ve pulled back so that I can look at him and it feels as though my hearts in my throat, because I’m afraid he’s going to become rational on me, that he’ll decide it’s not worth the risk.  
   “I put the job first, always... and we could have been seen... the prudent part of me warns against this, it wants to fixate on all the ways it could go wrong... but in the moment, all I could think about was how I couldn’t wait to get to your apartment... to see you again. For the first time I want to be selfish. I don’t want to put the job first. I want to do what I want to do regardless of the consequences, and what I want is you.”  
   I breathe again. I’m pretty sure I stopped altogether for a moment there. “It’s the same for me.” I whisper, my eyes bouncing between his.  
   Suddenly, his lips are on mine again as he walks me to the couch, pulling me on top of him so that my legs straddle his thighs. His fingers trace shapes along my back and sides, grazing my breast on their way to the buttons on my shirt. I feel him work down my front, one button at a time, tugging gently when he reaches my slacks, untucking the shirt and running lightly back up my skin before pushing the shirt off my shoulders. I pull back from our kiss, watching him as he makes quick work of his tie, my hands dealing with the buttons on his vest, both landing in the floor.  
   I’ve started on his shirt when my bra relaxes around my ribs. I’ve barely slid it down my arms when he maneuvers us so that I’m laying on the couch beneath him. I run my hands up his back and into his hair as he kisses down my neck, chest, tonguing a nipple, then the other... his fingers steadily working to unfasten my slacks. Rafael is still mostly dressed, the dress shirt is partially untucked and open up the front, but even his suspenders are still in place as he tugs the remaining material from my body, my legs falling on either side of him. He lowers himself between them, glancing up at me from just above my apex. My breathing’s heavy as a stare back, watching him, his eyes lowering back to their objective, and a soft moan escapes me as I feel, more than see, his tongue.  
   It’s gentle, soft... stroking along my slit, then probes before sliding back to my clit, circling... sucking, then the pattern repeats... again and again. I’ve gripped his hair with one hand and the back of my couch with the other, my muscles tensing and my hips lifting unwittingly towards him. I can feel him inside me as he flicks and sucks my nub. My mind is hazy and for a moment I try to figure out how he’s doing this and then I remember he has fingers. I force myself to stop thinking... nothing that is currently happening came from thinking anyway. _Just enjoy him..._ When I start buck, his arms reaches across my hips and holds me in place.  
   “Fuck...” I groan, arching back against the couch, then jerking.  
   Rafael sits back up and quickly removes his clothing, an act I’d like to participate in but I haven’t quite caught my breath yet. My heart is racing as he hovers above me, his lips less than an inch from mine but not making contact yet.  
   “Rafael...” I whisper, our eyes not breaking contact.  
   “Yes, Maeve.” He hums and what I was going to say is almost forgotten, but thankfully my mind continues to somewhat function.  
   I cup his cheek, gently caressing it with my thumb. “I bought condoms.”  
   “Where are they?”  
   He kisses me and then leaves the couch and I can hear him rummaging through the drawer. Then he’s back, laying on top of me again, pushing into me as I moan against his lips. I’m more ready for him this time, I don’t gasp as though in pain at least, and his movements are gentle and patient, pumping into me, slowly building with intensity.  
Rafael’s supporting himself above me by the forearm he has wedged between me and the back of the couch, the other arm is against my chest, his fingers behind my neck as his thumb grazes my cheek. We stay like this, him pushing into me as he breathes heavily, his forehead pressing into my shoulder, until his lips are on mine again and he pulls himself to sit at the end of my couch, tugging my arm so I’ll follow. He has me straddle him so that my back is to him, guiding me to sit, easing himself inside me as I do. Once he’s fully sheathed, his arms wrap around me, pulling me back against his chest as he begins to thrust.  
   We establish a rhythm and his hands move to my breast, kneading and tweaking them, and I turn my head so I can kiss him again, effectively muffling my moans. I jerk when one hand reaches down to my already sensitive clit, but he ignores this and lightly taps my nub easing me back into it as he intensifies the touch, circling as he continues to thrust into me.  
   “My god...” I groan, burying my face in his neck as my body seems to spasm uncontrollably. Rafael holds me, his arms wrapped tightly around me, giving me a minute to breath.  
   He shifts positions, never pulling out as he turns me toward the couch and pushes me forward, moving to his knees as he grips my hips. At this point, I’m honestly rather spent, but I want him to finish. I need him to. He seems to be in no rush though, steadily pumping into me.  
   “Desde que te conocí no hago nada más que pensar en ti.”  
_Jesus, he speaks Spanish..._ Rafael’s mumbled this through grunts behind me and I have no idea what he’s said. I’m also not sure I care what he’s said. He can say anything he wants as long as the tone remains that husky and sensual.  
   “Pienso en ti siempre.” He murmurs and I moan against the couch cushion.  
   Rafael’s hand reaches into my hair, tugging my head back. His other arm reaches under me, pulling my upper half up so I’m leaning against the back of the couch.  
   “Quiero oirte.” He hums against my ear, his chest pushing against me as he continues to thrust, his arms on either side of mine.  
   “Jesus...” I pant as a now familiar peaking builds within me.  
   I grip the edge of my couch, pushing my hips back into him with each of his thrust, moaning louder until my body shudders against him and I collapse against the couch.  
   “Eso fue hermoso.” Rafael breaths into my hair as he pushes towards his own release, grunting softly into my hair until he stills for a moment and then slumps against me.  
   We remain like this, both of us panting, Rafael kissing my shoulder between breaths. I turn to look at him and his lips meet mine again.  
   “I’ll be right back.” He breaths before climbing off the couch to remove the condom.  
   He wraps me in his arms when he returns and I pull a light blanket over us. “That was...” I take a breath instead of completing my thought.  
   “That was what?” Rafael smirks and he’s much too smug to not know I’ve enjoyed myself.  
   “Amazing.” I come off sounding annoyed, but he seems to know it’s because he’s forced me to say it and chuckles.  
   “I’m sure you’ve had better.”  
   I cover my mouth when I laugh, not exactly meaning to. “Believe me, I haven’t.”  
   Rafael gives me a curious look, but to my relief doesn’t inquire more about my statement. I don’t want to tell him that I’ve only slept with one other person yet. It seems weird, especially considering we had sex that first night... I’m not sure I could explain why I did that. What I’ve said also makes it seem like my ex was bad in bed, which isn’t the case. Rafael’s just better.  
   “Should we have used a condom that first night?” He asks, a twinge of concern behind it.  
   “Probably.” I nod.  
   “Probably?” Concern is definitely present this time.  
   “I started my cycle the week after.” I smile, quickly kissing him as the fact that I’m not pregnant registers.  
   “So, you’re not on birth control?”  
   “No. I’ve looked into it, but really hadn’t had the need for it lately.”  
   “You don’t have to explain, I was just clarifying,” he smirks, “condoms are fine.”  
   “Are you staying?” I want him to stay, to sleep next to me. We haven’t done that yet.  
   Rafael smiles. “I’ll even take you to breakfast tomorrow. It was my original plan that first night until work dragged me away.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Desde que te conocí no hago nada más que pensar en ti. — Since I met you I do nothing else except think of you.  
> Pienso en ti siempre. — I always think of you.  
> Quiero oirte. — I want to hear you.  
> Eso fue hermoso. — That was beautiful.


	4. Chapter 4

 

   I’m pinned beneath Rafael, his lips are on my neck, my jawline, my lips again... I’m gripping his back and hair as he thrust into me. I promise this isn’t all we do now, but it does seem to happen a lot. We’re both adults, managing work and dating just fine, _though we still haven’t disclosed_ , so what if we enjoy this particular perk of being in a relationship multiple times a week... every week... _it’s been three months now..._  
   “Fuck...” I groan, my breathing becoming erratic and my muscles clamp tighter. Rafael’s busy leaving a mark on my shoulder far enough from my neck that my shirt will cover it, and doesn’t seem to notice my body shudder, instead continues his steady pace as he pumps into me. I pull him back to my lips when I start to come back down and moan softly as his tongue finds mine.  
   My mind is focused on what we’re doing, how he feels inside me, his skin against mine, his kisses... when he pauses and looks at me.  
   “What?” I’m confused to why he’s stopped.  
   “That’s not my phone.” He smirks.  
   “Shit.” I mutter, reaching to my nightstand, neither of us moving as I glance to see who it is, hoping it’s my mom or someone I can ignore. “It’s Nick.” I whisper. I’m not sure why I’ve whispered, I haven’t answered the phone yet.  
   Rafael groans and I cover his mouth with my hand as I answer. “Hey Nick, what’s up?” _Jesus Christ, I’m panting._  
   “You working out?” Nick asks.  
   I glance up at Rafael and suppress the laugh that threatens. “Yeah, what’d you need?”  
   “We got a victim, Rollins and Carisi are on their way to the hospital now. Liv wants everyone to come in though, she thinks it’s bigger than the one girl.”  
   “Ok, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”  
   Rafael starts to pull off me when I hang up the phone.  
   “Can you finish quickly?” I asks, stopping him.  
   “What about you?”  
   I cup his cheek and smile. “I already have.”  
   He resumes thrusting, faster now since his only goal is to make this a quick as possible and is grunting into my shoulder moments later.  
   “Did you really go?” He pants against my neck.  
   “I promise.”  
   “I’m still going to make that up to you later.” He smirks, lifting up to look at me.  
   “Why? It was my job that interrupted us.” I chuckle, sliding out from underneath him so I can at least rinse off before I leave.  
   Rafael follows me to the bathroom, disposing of the condom as I pull my hair up and out of the way, not wanting to get it wet.  
   “Feel’s like it’s my work calling you.” He grumbles, following me into the shower. We quickly clean ourselves and I throw my hair in a pony tail before getting dressed.  
   “Hey Maeve.” He hums, pulling me back against him as we start down the hall.  
   “Yes Rafael?” I smile, letting him hold me.  
   His eyes bounce between mine. “Nothing.” He smirks, pressing his lips to mine one last time before we leave my building, me for work and him to his home... _not that I’ve been there yet..._

   The case we picked up was definitely bigger than just the one girl, Grace. In her statement, Grace had claimed to have gone to a party with a girl she had met at a bar. She was honest about being drunk when she made this decision, but it didn’t make the details of her assault very clear. Liv wanted us all working nonstop, because it matched a report filed a week earlier. Same thing, Liza had been drinking at a bar, another girl befriended her and she decided to go to a party with her. The details are fuzzy after that, but both girls recall being taken into a backroom and assaulted by at least two men. Grace swears our mystery girl is in the room during the assault.  
   Both girls were found passed out in the Meatpacking District and taken to the hospital, but neither knew how they got there. They had both been drinking at different bars in Greenwich Village, and both had walked to the party. We were canvassing both neighborhoods, but felt pretty sure the party had been held not far from where they were drinking.  
   Each girl sat down with a sketch artist and we had an idea of what the girl who had taken them to the party looked liked and Liv and Fin had driven each girl around, both of them identified the same building separately as the one they felt the party had taken place at. Since we didn’t have a bar to focus on we decided to sit on the building. Both assaults happened on a Friday, but neither girl knew what time they left the bar and both had initially arrived at different times.

   So here I was spending my Friday night sitting in a car with Nick instead of cuddling on my couch with Rafael. It was close to eleven and we had been parked with a clear view of the building since eight.  
   “This is useless.” I huff, since we hadn’t seen anyone even enter the building, much less a party happening.  
   “You aren’t very patient are you?” Nick chuckles.  
   I am usually very patient... never in a rush for anything, and I realize I’m huffy because I want to be with Rafael.  
   “Jesus...” I mutter under my breath, pinching the bridge of my nose at how ridiculous I’m being, especially since he’s coming over as soon as I let him know I’m home.  
   “What?” He asks, giving me a curious look.  
   “Nothing.” I chuckle and shake my head. “Shouldn’t the party have started already if there’s going to be one?”  
   “Not necessarily, if it’s an after party it may not start until Rollins and Carisi take over.”  
   Him mentioning that we get to go home at one and not just start our shift then reminds me that we got the better time slot.  
   “I guess you’re right. I just wish we had something to actually do besides watch an empty building.”  
   “We could talk, make the time go faster.” Nick smiles.  
   “What do you want to talk about?”  
   “Well...” he thought for a second, “What was your life like in Maine?”  
   "Pretty boring actually." I sigh. "Don't get me wrong. The place is beautiful and the people I worked with were great but we have more cases in a day than they would have in a week sometimes. I hung out with a lot of the same people I went to high school with and the apartment I lived in was only five minutes from my parents place."  
   Nick smirks as he looks at me. "That’s the reason you decided to move to New York?"  
   "Partially, it was time for a change... desperately time for a change."  
   "Did you leave a boyfriend behind when you moved?" Nick asks.  
   "No. I hadn't dated anyone in a few years."  
   "Hadn't dated anyone?" Nick asks raising an eyebrow.  
   "Nope." I reply not noticing that my use of hadn't opposed to haven't suggested I might be seeing someone now. Not that it mattered, Nick seemed to be more interested in my past at the moment anyway.  
   "What was your last relationship like?"  
   I roll my eyes. "My mother convinced me to give this guy I went to high school with a chance. It had been a little over two years since I had broken up with David and my mother thought it was time for me move on. Kevin and I had been friends in high school but I had never dated anyone."  
   "You didn’t dated in high school?" Nick interrupts.  
   “No.”  
   “Going through a gawky, awkward phase.” He says playfully, as though that would the only reason I would choose not to date in high school.  
   “I never went through a gawky, awkward phase...” I’ve muttered this more than I meant to and Nick seems to pick up on that.  
   “So, this Kevin guy you’re mom convinced you to date...”  
   “Kevin and I dated for maybe three months, but I ended things when I realized I wasn’t dating him because I wanted to be with him, but because I felt like I was supposed to dating someone. I decided then that I would never be with someone unless I really wanted to."  
   “How long ago was that?” Nick asks.  
   “Three years, maybe four now...” I shrug.  
   “You haven’t been laid in over three years?” He blurts this question and starts to apologize after.  
   “I wasn’t interested in Kevin enough to sleep with him.” I reply ignoring his attempt to backtrack.  
   Nick pauses for a moment, almost as though he wants to ask a question and then thinks better of it. “What about the David guy you mentioned?”  
   “I met David at the beginning of my senior year of college and we were together for four years.”  
   “You sleep with him?” He smirks, trying to play if off jokingly.  
_Subtle Nick..._ “Yes.” I reply, chuckling as I shake my head.  
   “What happened with him?”  
   “David’s a good guy, we just wanted different things.” I shrug.  
   “Different how?”  
   “He was raised with the mindset that women should stay home with the kids and I wanted to work. He wasn’t overbearing about it, but we definitely drifted apart when I started working and he realized I was never going to be a stay at home mom.”  
   “Does he live in Portland?” Nick asks.  
   “Yes. He’s married now with two kids.” I smile at how perfect his wife is for him. We have mutual friends and I’ve met her a few times She’s extremely considerate of others, and always made me feel welcome even though she knows I used to date David.  
   “You seem happy for him.” Nick says noticing my smile.  
   "I am. Like I said, we just wanted different things. He found someone who wanted the same things he did."  
   “Any other boyfriends from you’re past?”  
   “Nothing serious.” I shrug, thankful he’s qualified the question to only include the past.  
   “Nothing serious?” He’s repeats my statement as a question, while furrowing his brow.  
   “I don’t exactly trust easily. I will say that New York has changed that a bit. I’ve done things here I would have never even thought about doing before I moved.” I’ve smiled because my mind has drifted back to Rafael.  
   “Like what?” Nick smirks.  
   “Nothing.” I clip and I know I’m blushing.  
   "Nick. Maeve. We're in place, you guys can head out." Rollins voice comes over the radio and I’m thankful for the interruption.  
   "Alright. You and Carisi have fun. It's been slow." Nick says as he puts the car in drive.

   We continue to talk as Nick drives me to my apartment, thankfully more about him than me this time. He tells me about his daughter, son, and his divorce by the time we’ve reached my building.  
   “Hey Maeve?”  
   “Yeah?” I reply as I grab my bag from the backseat.  
   He pauses briefly and then speaks. “Would you want to get a drink sometime... away from work?”  
   I freeze for moment, not knowing exactly how to respond since I don’t want to mention Rafael. I consider telling him I don’t want to complicate work, _but how would that look when they find out about Raf..._ then I remember I can be vague. “I’m seeing someone.”  
   “I thought you said you weren’t dating someone when you moved.”  
   “I wasn’t, I met him after I moved.”  
   “You’ve only lived here three months, it can’t be that serious.” He smiles.  
   "You know how I said I don't trust easily?" Nick nods, so I continue. "I trust him and I'm happy."  
   "You can't have known him that long." He smirks.  
   "I know." I breath, saying it more to myself than to Nick, and climb out of the car.

   I’ve been in my apartment for less than thirty minutes when Rafael knocks on my door.  
   “Hi.” I smile, letting him in.  
   “Hi.” He smirks, his arms finding my waist as I lock the door, light kisses peppering my neck.  
   “Do you want a drink?” I asks, turning in his arms to face him.  
   “No.” Rafael smirks, pressing his lips to mine and pulling me tighter against him.  
   I let him walk me to my bedroom, pulling him on top of me when I lay back on the bed. Neither of our clothes remain long, our bodies intertwine, his hand sliding up my side caressing my breast. He shifts above me, reaching into my nightstand for a condom, rolling it on before settling between my legs. His lips are on mine again and I feel myself spreading to accommodate him, his thighs pushing on the back of mine, aptly moving them so our bodies can somehow become closer, and yet it’s still doesn’t feel close enough. I wrap my legs around him pulling him back to me with each thrust.  
   My arms reach up his back, gripping his shoulders and I’d call out his name if I could, but his tongue seems to be keeping mine otherwise occupied. I let out a muffled moan instead and I swear I feel the corners of his lips tug upward as his hand firmly takes hold of my neck, his thumb pressing into my cheek, refusing to let me break away from our kiss as my body involuntarily bucks beneath him.  
   “Raf...” It comes out as a breathy groan and has fallen on deaf ears since he seems to be intently focused on the physical act we’re sharing in. His forehead pushing into the pillow my head is resting on, the hand that was gripping my face trailing down to my breast. His fingertips lightly graze my taught nipple, pinching it and gently tugging.  
   “Fuck.” I inhale, arching my chest into him and I grip the hand closest to his head into his hair, tugging with the same force he seems to be applying to my nipple.  
    It’s quick, I almost don’t notice it happen, but his mouth has engulfed my other nipple and I know I’m more than tugging his hair now. The swirling sensation of his tongue, his relentless thrusting, the rolling of his fingers... it’s too much for as close as I already am. I feel myself start to quiver beneath him, grasping tighter onto his shoulders, trying in vain to pull my hips from his as I’m pinned by his weight.  
   Rafael pulls his face back to mine, but doesn’t kiss me. Instead, he watches as I come undone and constrict around him, grunting his own release and kissing me once again as his body comes to rest on mine. We stay like this, both of us panting, our chest pushing into one another.  
   He wraps me into his arms and pulls the covers over our lower halves, after returning from disposing of the condom. I shift so I can lay with my head on his chest and my front pressing against his side.  
   “I missed you.” Rafael smiles, lightly tracing lines on my back with his fingers.  
   “You saw me six hours ago.” I chuckle, seeming to have forgotten my own earlier reaction to not being able to spend the evening with him.  
   “How was your stakeout with Amaro?”  
   “Uneventful... for the most part.”  
   “For the most part?”  
   “Nothing to do with the case.” I say, almost instantly regretting it.  
   “Then what?”  
   “Nick just asked me to get a drink sometime.” I shrug, hoping that it isn’t a big deal.  
   “What did you say?”  
   “I told him I was seeing someone, but kept it vague.”  
   “Would you if we weren’t dating?”  
_That’s a loaded question..._ “No.” I chuckle.  
   “You wouldn’t?”  
   “Nope, for two reasons. First, I’m not interested in Nick like that and second, I work with him.”  
   “You work with me.” Rafael smirks.  
   “Yeah, well, I didn’t know that when I left the bar with you.”  
   He’s quiet for a moment, his fingers still lightly grazing my back. “If it had been Amaro at the bar instead of me?”  
   I smile and roll my eyes, pulling up so I can look at him. “There’s no way I would have left that bar with anyone other than you.”  
   He looks at me for a moment, but seems satisfied with my answer. It’s the truth though. I still don’t know what drew me to him that night, but everyday that passes I’m happier with my decision to bring him back to my apartment. Of course that also means I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop... for all of this come crashing down around me. Mainly the fact that we haven’t disclosed our relationship.  
   “Rafael?”  
   “Uh hmm...” He hums, his head resting back on my pillow.  
   “Shouldn’t we disclose this?”  
   “Probably, but can we keep this just ours for a little longer?”  
   I smile and nod, resting my head against his chest again. I like our little secret. It’s not the fact that we’re sneaking around that’s enticing, that’s actually kind of stressful. I’m constantly worried I’m going call him Rafael or worse, Raf at work. It’s the fact that we don’t have to explain anything or answer questions... it’s private, as it should be. It’s ours.


	5. Chapter 5

 

   I stir awake much too early it seems by a phone ringing... but it’s not my phone. _I must be dreaming..._ And since I’m not fully awake, I start to drift off again.  
   “Barba.” I hear Rafael mumble, sounding half awake himself.  
   “Need sleep...” I murmur softly, turning and draping my arm across his torso only to have his free arm wrap around me so his hand can cover my mouth before I speak again.  
   “Ok Liv. Yeah, give me twenty minutes.”   
   My eyes pop open at my boss’s name, watching as he sets his phone on my nightstand and rubs his eyes.  
   “What time is it?” I asks.  
   “Five thirty.” He sighs.  
   “And you’re going to the precinct?”  
   “Rollins and Carisi picked up our mystery girl, plus two guys in a back room at that building you were sitting on last night.”  
   “Is Liv about to call me?”  
   “She’s going to let you and Amaro get some sleep and call you in around eight.” Rafael smiles, pulling me closer.  
   “But you’ve had the same amount of sleep I’ve had...”  
   “She doesn’t know that.” He chuckles, “If it makes you feel better, it was completely worth it.”  
   I watch as he finds his clothes and climb out of bed myself once he’s dressed.  
   “You get to go back to sleep, why are you getting up?” He says, trying to force me to lay back down.  
   “I’m locking the door behind you.” I smile.  
   “That would probably be a good idea.” He smirks, letting me up again.  
   “I’ll see you in a few hours.” I breathe, pushing up to kiss him at my door.  
   “Sleep for us both.” He smiles.  
   He’s out the door entirely too quickly and I slump back in bed only to be jerked awake by my own phone ringing moments later. Only it’s not moments later, it just feels that way... it’s actually eight and Liv’s calling me in.

   “Morning.” I smile, joining the others in the bullpen. I can’t help the smile. I hate dragging myself out of bed, the actual waking up part, but once I’m up and moving I could definitely be mistaken for a morning person.  
   “Morning...” Tired faces grumble back at me, ~~Rafael~~ _nope... we’re at work..._ Barba looks especially grumpy. All eyes going to the two trays of coffee I’m carrying. When I passed the coffee shop on the way in I noticed it was pretty empty and decided to make a stop. Barba’s preferred Americano sitting next to my Macchiato, the rest were regular coffees, but still better than the stuff at the precinct.  
   “Coffee?” I offer, setting the trays on my desk and pulling mine and Barba’s out as various hands start to reach for their own cup. “Coffee, Barba?” I ask, stretching the drink towards him. He’s looking up at me from the chair he’s sitting in, his face expressionless aside from the tiny hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.  
   He’s wearing the jeans and shirt he wore when he came over to my place last night... _or was it this morning..._ It’s weird to see him in something other than a suit at work, but I’m also oddly turned on by the fact that I’ve taken every article of clothing he’s currently wearing off of him mere hours ago. _Seriously, stop staring at him like you’re undressing him with your eyes before someone notices..._  
   “Thanks.” He sighs, taking it from me, our hands touching momentarily. Neither of us react though... we act like we may as well be strangers at work.  
   “So, where are we?” I ask, turning to face the other detectives again.  
   “Waiting on lawyers.” Carisi yawns.  
   “Maeve and Nick, I want the two of you to take Liza and Grace when they get here.” Liv says, “In the mean time get a line up ready for our suspects. I want to see if the girls can ID anyone.”  
   “Ok.” Nick and I both reply.

   Barba, Liv, and Fin have been in her office for a while watching Carisi or Rollins... maybe both, question our mystery girl, Julia, now that her lawyer had arrived. The strategy was to interview Julia first and see if she’d flip on the guys. Nick and I were waiting for our victims to arrive and working on the line up for all three suspects.  
   Once we had everything in place I knocked on Liv’s door, poking my head in moments later when she opened it.  
   “We’ve got the line up ready, Nicks with both victims.”  
   “Ok, maybe putting her through a line up will scare her enough to talk.” Liv sighs.  
   “Only if they make a positive ID.” Barba huffs.  
   Nick stays back with Liza as I take Grace in with Liv, Barba, and Julia’s attorney. We watch as six females walk in and stop, all holding a number.  
   Grace barely lets them stop walking before she speaks. “Number four. She’s the girl from the bar that took me to the party.”  
   “Thank you, Grace.” Liv says softly as I take Grace out of the room so Nick can bring in Liza.  
   We keep Grace and Liza separated until we’ve finished with line ups on all three suspects. Nick walks them both out as I start on paperwork for Grace’s IDs. He does the same for Liza’s when he returns, and it’s fairly quiet as we wait for the others to finish questioning the two guys.  
   “I’m arraigning all three on Monday.” Barba barks when he exits interrogation with the red haired lawyer representing Julia. The guys both have the same lawyer, Buchanan... him I’ve experienced before, the redheads new... at least to me, Barba seems familiar with her.  
   “You offer a better deal we can talk.” She says without even turning back to look at him.  
   “Whose that?” I ask, leaning across the open space to Nicks desk.  
   “Who, Calhoun?” Nick replies.  
   “Is she like Buchanan?”  
   “She’s a tough defense attorney, but not as unlikable as Buchanan.” Nick smiles.  
   “What’s next?” I question turning to Barba since he’s plopped in a chair not far from my desk. I’ve asked him over Liv or any of the other three detectives that were in the interviews with him because I’m more comfortable with Barba. It’s that seeming too familiar thing I’m worried about, but thankfully I just appear to be doing my job... wanting to know what the next step is.  
   “I’ll offer Julia a slightly better deal. Tomorrow though,” he smirks, “after she’s had a night in jail to mull things over a bit.”

   Julia did take the plea deal, two years in exchange for her testimony against the guys, but even her testimony and both victim ID’s hadn’t made this an easy case for Barba. The trial had been going on for a week and a half now and I was lucky if I got a few hours on the weekend to myself with Rafael. I can completely understand his comment about his work conspiring against him having any sort of life when he left that first night. At least I get to see him during the work day and understand why he was working so late every night, someone unfamiliar with this type of work could be extremely frustrated with his sudden withdrawal from their life.  
   The other detectives and I had spent the morning and most of the afternoon in court, watching the defendants take the stand and were now back at the precinct finishing up paperwork. The only thing left were summations and those would take place the next day.  
   “Hey Mae?” Carisi says, pulling my attention from the file I’m working on.  
   “Yeah?”  
   “How much paperwork you got left?” He asks, looking over the top of the file he’s working on from across our desks.  
   “Not a lot, why?”  
   “I’m getting hungry, thought you might want to grab food in a bit.”  
   “Sure.” I shrug, it’s not like Rafael will be available to eat anyway.

   I file the last of my paperwork and Carisi joins me. “You ready?  
   “Ready for what?” Nick asks, filing the last of his own paperwork.  
   “To get food, want to join us?” I answer.  
   “Sure, where are we going?” Nick smiles.  
   “I’m not sure... Carisi, where did you want to eat?” I ask turning to him.  
   “Are we talking food?” Rollins questions when she too joins us by the file cabinets.  
   “Yeah, you hungry?” Nick asks.  
   “Starved,” Rollins smiles, “so, where are we eating?”  
   We all turn to Carisi whose ides this originally was.  
   “Italian sound ok?” Carisi grumbles.  
   We all nod and I text Rafael to see is he wants me to pick him up something to go and swing it by his office after.

   We are seated at a table not far from the bar and excuse myself to wash my hands after ordering drinks.  
   “Thanks.” Carisi huffs, glancing at Nick and Rollins.  
   “What?” Nick smiles.  
   “You really think you have a chance?” Rollins chuckles.  
   “Why wouldn’t I?” Carisi mumbles.  
   “Maybe you do,” Rollins shrugs, “I don’t know what her taste in men are.”  
   “So, your plan was to what, get her alone for dinner and see if she’d considerate it a date?” Nick laughs.  
   “No, I was going to talk to her and see if she wanted to go on a date...” Carisi grumbles.  
   “You got a better plan?” Rollins questions, turning on Nick.  
   “Me?” Nick says feigning innocence.  
   “Oh please, I saw the look on your face when Liv partnered her with you.” Rollins laughed.  
   “Doesn’t really matter anyway, she’s seeing someone.” Nick smirked.  
   “She is?” Carisi asks.  
   “Yeah, she mentioned it when we were sitting on that building at the beginning of this case.” Nick shrugs.  
   “Here she comes.” Rollins says, gesturing toward the bathrooms.  
   “What’d I miss?” I smile as I sit back down.  
   “Who’s this guy you’re seeing?” Carisi blurts.  
   I give Nick an annoyed look, “Thanks.” The smile he returns is aggravating to say the least but I suppose it does make me feel in a weird way excepted.  
   “Why do you care who I’m dating?” I ask, turning my attention back to Carisi.  
   "I... I... I just want to make sure he's a decent guy, that's all." Carisi stammers.  
   “I can assure you that he is.” I smile, grabbing my phone from my purse when I hear it ping.  
   “Where are you eating?” Rafael must have just read my text from earlier. I quickly reply with the name of the restaurant and place my phone face down on the table.  
   “Why haven’t you mentioned him?” Carisi asks.  
   “Because, I’m fairly private about my personal life.”  
   Part of me is really wishing I had just said I wasn’t interested when Nick asked me about drinks and left it at that. But... I also know that if the person I was dating wasn’t Rafael, I’d probably be more forthcoming and that I’ve done this to myself.   
   “How long have you been seeing him?” Rollins asks.  
   “We met the Friday before I started working with you guys.” I smile, at least that I can be honest about.  
   “Workin’ on four months then.” She says, returning my smile.  
   “Getting there.” I half answer due to being distracted by my phone pinging again and smile when I see it’s from Rafael.  
   “Is that him?” Nick asks, lifting a brow.  
   “It is.” I chuckle, reading Rafael’s order and quickly putting my phone away in my purse before anyone can see his name on the screen.  
   “Are you ready to order?” The waiter asks as he sets down our drinks.  
   We’ve been talking, but everyone seems to know what they want already so I quickly decide while they’re ordering and place mine along with Rafael’s to go order when the waiter gets to me.  
   “You don’t have to get it to go. He could always join us.” Carisi smiles.  
   “He’s working late, so I offered to bring him something.”  
   “What kind of work does he do?” Nick asks, taking a sip of his drink.  
   I really don’t know how to answer this question because I don’t want to flat out lie to them, but I can’t tell them he’s a lawyer and I definitely can’t say prosecutor... “I think I’m going to stop giving the other detectives I work with clues.”  
   “Is that a challenge?” Carisi teases.  
   “No, really, it’s not.” I sigh, taking a sip of my own drink.  
   “Guys, leave it.” Rollins scolds and I’m thankful for her because they move on to other topics, leaving my love life alone for the moment.

   After dinner I decide to hail a cab instead of walking to Rafael’s office. I’d probably walk if I wasn’t afraid one of the people with me would offer to to keep me company. Carisi and Rollins head off while Nick hangs back a minute.  
   “Hey, sorry to bring up that you were seeing someone.” He says, looking at me as though he truly felt bad.  
   “It’s fine.” I smile. The fact that I’m dating Rafael isn’t his fault.  
   “I can give you a ride if you don’t want to take a cab.” He offers.  
   “I’ll take my chances with the cab. Nice try though.” I chuckle.  
   “I didn’t even think. I promise I wasn’t trying to get more information on who you’re dating.”  
   “And I appreciate that.” I really do. He seems sincere and the last thing I want is them actively trying to figure out who I’m dating.  
   “Tell him I said he’s a lucky man.” Nick smirks.  
   “Oh, ok.” I reply, fighting back a chuckle as I climb in the cab.

   The DA’s office isn’t exactly dark, but the lights are definitely dimmer than during the day. I pass a few other people working late, but no one I’ve seen before. When I get to his office Carmen isn’t there, but his blinds are open and I smile when he doesn’t look up from what he’s working on, watching him for a moment before moving closer and tapping on the glass. He grins and motions me in.  
   “Lock the door.” He says, standing up from his desk and stretching a bit.  
   Rafael closes the blinds as I set his food on the round table.  
   “What are you doing?” I whisper when he moves closer to me and his arms pull me against him.  
   “Kissing you.”  
   I chuckle, but don’t resist, following when he pulls me with him toward his couch and onto his lap.  
   “Your food is going to get cold.” I manage between kisses.  
   “Let it.” He hums, running his hand up my thigh under my skirt.  
   “Raf, what are you doing?” I ask when I feel him tug at my panties.  
   He doesn’t actually answer my question, instead smirks and asks his own. “What made you wear a skirt today?”  
   “Today was a day of paperwork and court so I thought a skirt would be a nice change of pace.” I reply, standing in front of him so he can remove the material he hasn’t given up on yet.  
   My lips find his again when I climb back on his lap, my legs spread on either side of his. His fingers are teasing me as I fumble to unfasten his slacks and push his suspenders off his shoulders so I can tug his pants down enough to free him.  
   “I’m really glad you wore a skirt today.” Rafael breathes, lining himself up with me and placing his hands on my hips, pushing me down as I sit on him.  
   I lift up and push back down, riding him, feeling him. My arms are rested on his shoulders and the back of his couch, my lips against his dampening both our moans. Soon, he’s meeting my pace, thrusting into me, and I’m concerned with our noise level so I keep my lips on his.  
   “Fuck, Maeve.” He grunts, his hand covering my mouth when his lips are no longer acting as a muffler.  
   The sound of him that on edge, speaking my name... I jerk forward, burying my face in his neck and shoulder, quieting the groan I’ve let out as my lower half convulses on him. He’s continued to steadily pump into me through all this and grunts against my ear, holding me tightly as he stills beneath me.  
   “Thanks for bringing me dinner.” Rafael pants against my shoulder.  
   “Dinner huh?” I chuckle, pulling back to look at him.  
   “I’ve missed you.” He smiles.  
   I can’t exactly be annoyed with him, I’ve missed him too.  
   “You should probably eat the dinner I brought you.” I smirk, climbing off him and slipping my panties back on.  
   He stands and readjust his underwear, shirt, and pants, slipping the suspenders back over his shoulders before pulling me against him again.  
   “Raf.” I chuckle, at least until he kisses me.  
   “I’m eating.” He smirks, moving toward the food, taking my hand and dragging me with him.  
   “How’s your summation coming?” I ask, taking the seat next to him.  
   “Good. I’m almost done,” he smiles, “how was dinner with Amaro, Rollins, and Carisi?”  
   “It was nice after we stopped talking about you.” He almost chokes on the bite he’s taken so I elaborate. “Sorry the subject of who I’m dating... your name didn’t actually come up.”  
   “They’ll get bored and move on.”  
   I roll my eyes, but don’t say anything. I hate this. I feel like I’m lying... we’re lying. _That’s because we are lying..._ I hate pretending that we barely know each other at work, worrying that someone will see us... If we disclose and I’m moved to a different unit, wouldn’t it be better for it to happen now rather than once I’ve had to testify and cases are brought into question?  
   “What’s the matter?”  
   “Nothing.” I lie. I mean what if this doesn’t mean anything to him... I’m just the girl from the bar who’s now convenient... Maybe there’s a reason I’ve never seen his place. _Jesus, I’m out of my league here... maybe I should have dated more..._  
   “Maeve?” His eyes have that concerned look again and I exhale.  
   “How come we never go to your place?”  
   “Yours is just closer to work I guess... we can.”  
   “Ok.” I nod, still a little in my own head.  
   “Pack a bag and sleep over tomorrow.” He says this casually as he takes a bite. Of course he’s casual... he hasn’t been ridiculously obsessing over it.  
   “Maeve?” Now he seems annoyingly humored by how quiet I am. His eyes cut to the side, looking at me with his brows slightly lifted.  
   “I just wish I hadn’t told Nick I was seeing someone, just told him I wasn’t interested...” I sigh because that’s not what I wish at all. I wish we’d just come clean before it’s too late, but I don’t want to bring up disclosing again.  
   “I’m not ready to have our relationship scrutinized by people who should have no say in it.” Rafael huffs, seeming to have read my mind.  
   “Waiting isn’t going to make it easier...” I mutter.  
   “I know,” he smirks, leaning over and pulling my lips to his, “I promise we will and soon. I just want to keep us like this for a little longer.”  
   “That’s what you said last time.” I chuckle.  
   “That was only a couple weeks ago.”  
   “Or a time frame that could be construed as a little while...” I mumble.  
   Rafael laughs under his breath. “Would you feel better if I set a date?”  
   “Set a date?”  
   “One month from today, we disclose... at least to your boss and mine. I’d still like to keep my personal life as private as possible, but that way, if we are found out there’s no professional repercussions.”  
   “Ok.” I breathe. He has simultaneously eased two anxieties I have towards our relationship in one conversation. Why I haven’t seen where he lives and this disclosing thing. Of course actually agreeing to disclose has brought new anxieties, but this I feel is necessary. And once it’s done it’ll be one thing less to stress about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m referring to him as both Rafael and Barba from Maeve’s perspective because I feel she goes back and forth with the names between work and outside of work.


	6. Chapter 6

 

   “You look focused.” Rollins whispers as we watch Barba give his closing argument.  
   “Just listening.” I’m so not listening... I’m staring. It’s one of the few situations I can blatantly watch him without it seeming weird or obvious. He’s supposed to be the center of attention, all eyes, including mine, on him.  
   “If anyone can win this case it’s him, but don’t tell him I said that... his ego’s big enough.” Rollins chuckles.  
   “What’s the deal with him anyway?”  
   “What do you mean?”  
   “I’m just new and he doesn’t talk to me much, but you guys seem to know him pretty well. I’m just being nosy, forget I asked.” I’ve backtracked... I want to know what other people know about him, but I don’t want to make it obvious I’m asking. I’m supposed to be involved with someone... I don’t want to make it look like I’m interested in Barba, even though I obviously am. I really am curious though... Has he dated people they’ve known about? Is it just me he wants to keep private?  
   “I know nothing more that what you’re seeing up there... work Barba. I’m mean he can be snarky, sometimes funny, but most of the time you want to smack him... you’ll understand what I mean when you get to know him better. Still, he’s who you want up there... I swear the man can talk his way around anything.”  
   I chuckle partially because she does, but mainly because she’s described the man I see at work... not so much the one I met in the bar... except for the talking thing. Maybe he can talk his way into anything...

   It’s been a long trial and we are all waiting outside the courtroom for Barba. Liv has suggested taking a break and grabbing a rare lunch as a group before we head back to the precinct and wants to see if he would like to join us, though she doesn’t seem to actually expect him to.  
   “That went ok...” Barba sighs when he joins us.  
   “Buchanan bit back, but the jury will see through him” Nick says.  
   “We’ll see.” Barba mutters.  
   “We’re grabbing lunch, you want to join? Get out of the office for a bit.” Liv smiles.  
   Barba glances at me, very briefly making eye contact and I fight the urge to smile. “Sure, let me drop this off upstairs and then I’m free.” He replies, lifting his briefcase to indicate what he wants to take upstairs.

   “How’s Noah?” Fin asks once we’ve ordered and Liv is busy telling us about the latest milestone he’s reached. I haven’t really spent a lot of time with her yet, but it’s nice to see her excited about something. She always seems so serious at work, but she is in charge and the cases we work aren’t exactly light.  
   Barba’s sitting next to her, directly across the table from me, well as close as you can get with seven people at a round table. I’m not sure if the seat he’s chosen is purposely done to separate us or because their friends... possibly both. I’m seated next to Fin, who’s on Liv’s other side while Nick is to my left, then Rollins and Carisi rounding us out. What I wouldn’t give to be where Carisi is though... subtly touching Barba’s arm with mine, possibly his thigh under the table... _This is why he’s sitting across the table._  
   Barba’s busy doing something on his phone and then slips it back in his inside jacket pocket and I feel mine vibrate against my butt cheek. I refrain from rolling my eyes and pull mine from my back pocket.  
   “You look very pretty.” I remain expressionless and slip the phone back in my pocket only to see him pull his back out from the corner of my eye.  
   “So Maeve, you’ve been in New York a little while now, how are you adjusting?” Liv asks.  
   Vzzzzzt... I’ve chosen to ignore Rafael’s latest text. “Good. Things are really good. I’m settling in nicely to a routine here.” I smile.  
   Vzzzzzt... _Seriously Rafael..._  
   I pull my phone back out as Liv speaks again. “That’s great. Big moves like that can take a tole on you even if you’re excited for them.”  
   “It wasn’t so bad.” I smile and glance at my phone.  
   “Really?”  
   “You’re just going to ignore me?”  
   I chuckle as I read his texts which seems to garner Carisi’s attention. “Is that your boyfriend?”  
   “Thanks for that.” I quickly text back and shove the phone back in my pocket.  
   “We haven’t actually labeled things yet.” I reply to Carisi.  
   Vzzzzzt...  
   “In four months he hasn’t defined the relationship? What an idiot.” Nick adds.  
   Vzzzzzt... This time I chuckle and pull my phone back out, reading the last two texts.  
   “Not my fault you aren’t discreet.”  
   “You could have just said yes.”  
   “I’m not referring to you as my boyfriend with you sitting at the table when we haven’t discussed it.” I quickly text back.  
   “You’re in a relationship?” Liv asks.  
   “I am.”  
   Vzzzzzt...  
   I glance at my phone. “Ok now I feel a little bad.”  
   “How’d you meet?” Fin asks.  
   “I was tired of unpacking the Friday before I started work and decided to get out and grab dinner not far from my apartment. He happened be sitting at the bar next to me.” I feel the need to add in the bit about us meeting before I started work, hoping that maybe it will make things easier when we do disclose.  
   “What’s his name?” Liv asks.  
   “Oh, she’s secretive about that.” Nick chuckles.  
   “He’s just private about his personal life.” I’ve decided to put the blame on Barba because he’s the one making this harder.  
   Vzzzzzt... “I deserve that.”  
   “Why would he be hiding you?” Carisi pipes in.  
   “He’s not, it’s just...” I sigh and Liv takes pity on me changing the subject back to work.  
   Vzzzzzt... “I’m not hiding you...”  
   “I know.”  
   Vzzzzzt... “You’re still coming over tonight?”  
   “I am. Do you have a hair dryer?”  
   Vzzzzzt... “I do, why?”  
   “Just trying to figure out what I need to pack so that I can get ready in the morning. ;)”  
   Vzzzzzt... “What do you want for dinner?”  
   “Can we order in, maybe Chinese?”  
   Vzzzzzt... “Works for me.”  
   “How come no one picks on you for being on your phone?”  
   Vzzzzzt... “They think I’m working.”  
   I’ve only half been listening to the discussion, but they seem to be letting me text.  
   “You’re quiet Barba.” Rollins states, drawing him out of his phone and he glances at me as I slip mine back in my pocket.  
   “Work.” He shrugs, putting his phone away as well.  
   “Any news on the jury?” Carisi asks.  
   “Nothing yet.” Barba replies.

   The day dwindles on slowly and by five we are all ready to go home.  
   “Still no verdict?” I ask when Liv passes by my desk.  
   “No. They’ve already been sequestered for the night so I doubt we’ll here anything this evening. Enjoy it.” She smiles.  
_I intend to..._ “You too.” I return her smile and start straightening my desk to leave. I’m anxious... no excited... _maybe a bit of both..._ to get home and finish packing for Rafael’s tonight. I like seeing where other people live. What furniture they’ve chosen, colors that are prominently displayed. You can learn a lot about a person just by seeing their home. And I want to know Rafael.  
   “You out?” Nick questions from his desk as I drape my bag over my shoulder.  
   “I am.” I smile.  
   “Your boyfriend’s not working late tonight then?” He smirks.  
   “Nope.” I’m grinning, but that doesn’t bother me. They can know I’m happy, just not who’s making me happy.

   “I’m downstairs.” _Damn he’s punctual._ Rafael’s texted exactly at six thirty and part of me wonders if he’s been out there for a while, waiting to text until our agreed time. It’s what I would probably do. I hate being late.  
   “On my way.” I grab the bag I’ve packed containing work clothes for tomorrow, my make up and straightener, a brush, and my travel size shampoo and conditioner. I could use his, but then I’d risk smelling like him. Normally this wouldn’t bother me. I used to love using David’s things when I’d stay over, enjoying a brief whiff of him throughout the day when I wasn’t necessarily expecting it. I’d really enjoy that with Rafael... he has a very pleasant aroma. It’s recognizable though, very distinct... and I can’t risk smelling like him tomorrow.  
   When I get downstairs I don’t see him, just a car parked outside my building. The back window rolls down and Rafael calls my name, drawing my attention to the backseat of the car.  
   “We’re taking a car to your place?” I ask, climbing in next to him.  
   “It’s too far to walk.” He smiles, tucking me under his arm as I buckle up.

   I don’t know what I expected when we got to his place, but it isn’t this. The space is open, like really open... Two story living room and kitchen, all open concept. You can see straight through to a room that appears to be set up as a den or maybe his office, the sliding wooden door that separates it left open. There’s exposed brick and large windows along one length and a spiral staircase leading up to the second floor.  
   “Here,” he says, taking my bag and placing over his shoulder, “I’ll show you around.”  
   I nod and follow as he takes my hand, dragging me through the living room and passed the kitchen and dining area to a room just beyond them.  
   “A bathroom and laundry room.” He says, showing me the enclosed spaces just beyond the kitchen.  
   “My home office.” He smiles. The room I had assumed was a den or office is a rather decent sized room, lined with bookshelves and a nice wooden desk at one end and two comfortable looking chairs on the other.  
   “It’s cozy.” I say, chuckling when he drags me back to the stairs and wind our way up.  
   “This space I haven’t really figured out what to do with, but I sometimes stand up here.” He chuckles, showing me a small balcony area that over looks the main living space.  
   “A guest room and bath that I’m not exactly sure why I need,” he gestures to a room as we pass it, “and my bedroom.”  
   It’s a nice sized master suite with en suite bathroom. This space alone is larger than my apartment. It continues the light, almost grayish hardwood floors that were downstairs and while the walls below kept a more earthy, natural feel these are painted a medium blue. The furniture he’s decorated with is all wooden with a light finish and his bedding consist of white sheets and a grey comforter.  
   “How long have you lived here?” The place looks brand new or like someone came and set it up to be photographed for a magazine.  
   “Ten years.” He shrugs, setting my bag down on a cream colored chair in the corner of his room.  
   I follow and pull out my clothes for the morning, hoping to lay them out so they don’t look like I didn’t sleep at home.  
   “You can hang those in my closet if you want.”  
   “Ok.” I nod, following him through the bathroom that resembles ones I’ve only seen in magazines to an extremely large walk-in closet.  
   “Here.” Rafael says, handing me a couple hangers as I fight not to laugh. “What?”  
   “Nothing.” I chuckle, not being able to stop myself.  
   “I’d really like to know what you find so funny.”  
   “I just should have guessed your closet would be the size of my bedroom.” This time a actually laugh. Rafael rolls his eyes and takes my clothes from me, hanging them himself before slipping his jacket, vest, and tie in a dry cleaning bag.  
   “Did we cross the Brooklyn Bridge?” I ask once he’s walked me back to his bedroom.  
   “We did.” He smiles, pulling me closer to him and pushing my hair behind my ear, his lips inches from mine.  
   “Why do you live in Brooklyn?”  
   “Because I like this place.” He breathes, slipping his hands between us and unfastening my slacks.  
   “Yes, but why Brooklyn?” I press, looking up at him as my own hands work to unbutton his shirt, continuing on to his dress pants as I work my way down.  
   “I used to work for the Brooklyn DA’s office. I have a car service, so I really didn’t feel the need to move just because I transferred to the Manhattan DA’s office.”  
   I’ve shimmed out of my pants and he’s tugged my shirt over my head. “I like your place too.” I smile, pushing his shirt and suspenders off his shoulders, his pants pooling at his feet once no longer supported.  
   “Maeve...” he hums when I reach my hand into his boxer briefs, my fingers lightly running along his length.  
   “Yes.” I breathe, my eyes meeting his as he presses his lips to mine and unclasps my bra, trailing his fingers along my back.  
   I lower myself slowly until I’m kneeling in front of him, tugging his underwear down, stroking him. I glance up as I adjust myself to take him in my mouth and am not disappointed by the lascivious look that greets me. To be wanted, like that, by him... I can feel an ache building inside me and he hasn’t even touched me. I avert my eyes and feel his hands gently grazing along my neck and shoulders, pulling my hair out of the way as I wrap my mouth around him. With each bob I take him deeper, gently sucking when I reach a point where I’ll gag if I take him in any further, pulling back and bobbing again.  
   “Dios mío.” He groans, his hands gripping my hair tighter.  
   Pulling all the way off him, I lick the underside of his tip while lightly grazing my lips over it, smiling briefly when his hips jerk forward and grip gets tighter. This time I make eye contact when I slide him back towards my throat, beginning to bob again.  
   “Mierda.” Rafael grunts while buckling forward slightly when I pull off while teasing his head again.  
   The third time I do this, he grips my hair tight enough to force me to look up at him and doesn’t let me move. “If you keep doing that this will end earlier than either of us would like it to.” He pants, coaxing me to my feet again and almost forcefully pressing his lips to mine as he walks me to his bed, his hand, at least one of them, still gripping my hair.  
   His weight is pressed against me as we kiss on his bed. My head laying on a white pillow, both of us on top of the grey comforter. Rafael brakes away from the kiss as he rummages though his nightstand. Once he finds a condom, his lips find mine again, both of us working to get my panties off.  
   Rafael lifts up enough to slide the condom on and eases into me, moaning into our kiss as he fills me. It’s a moan I return, lifting my hips to meet each thrust.  
   He sits back on his knees, sliding me closer by pulling on my hips, and continues to thrust. His thumb makes contact with my clit, continuing to rub little circles on it until I’m writhing at his touch, completely displayed on the bed in front of him. I feel my muscles tense and grab at his hand, but he catches my wrist before I can stop him and continues his teasing until I’m arching away from him, twisting and moaning loudly towards the headboard.  
   “Raf... please...” I beg, and he brings both hands up to my face, cupping my cheeks while kissing me, his weight pressing against me again, pumping towards his own release.  
   “Rafael...” I pant, still trying to catch my breath.  
   “Yes Maeve.” He hums against my neck.  
   “Are you my boyfriend?”  
   “What have you been referring to me as at work?” I’m not sure if he’s avoiding my question or screwing with me.  
   “The guy I’m seeing.”  
   “Hmmm...”  
   “Rafael...” I sigh because I don’t just sleep with people... because I really like him... because I need him to tell me he feels the same way... or at least give me this.  
   “Yes, Maeve, I’m your boyfriend. You’re the only person I’m dating, the only person I want to date.” He’s lifted up so he can look at me. “I meant it that first night when I said I didn’t do this either. I’ve never gone home with someone after just meeting them, but I didn’t want to stop talking to you... I couldn’t help myself.”  
   He tucks my hair behind my ear as I take a breath. “It wasn’t just because I’m pretty.”  
   “Pretty is an understatement.” He smirks and I start to pull away because that’s not what I want to hear.  
   “Maeve.” He hums, cajoling me to still... because that’s all it takes... him softly humming my name. “I promise I’m more interested in who you are than how you look. I need someone who can stimulate me mentally.”  
   I want to believe him. I really do, so I choose to. I can’t spend my life second guessing the reason someone had chosen me.  
   “Are you hungry?” Rafael asks as he climbs off of me.  
   “Yes.” I smile, following him to the bathroom.

   Rafael slips on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, not even bothering with underwear.  
   “We’re ordering in right?” I smile.  
   “We are, why?” He asks, furrowing his brow as I slip my panties back on.  
   “I just forgot to pack pajamas, but don’t really want to put my work clothes back on.” I shrug leaning down to pick up his discarded dress shirt, slipping it on as well. His utterance is deep and throaty when I glance up at him while securing the buttons, the white shirt with navy pinstripes falling loosely on my frame, the hem of the shirt hitting me mid thigh. “This is ok?” I’m purposefully being coy and he knows it, but he can still barely manage a head nod. Somehow this feels like payback for texting me during lunch, though I don’t think it’s a payback he minds too much.  
   I’ve made myself comfortable on his couch as he places our food order. He makes the call from across the room as I flip through channels trying to find something to watch. I start to leave it on one of the twenty four hour news networks, but then I notice the cooking channel has a baking competition on. Back to back episodes, so I know they are repeats but that’s how I prefer to watch them. I’ll never remember to watch weekly and like seeing who wins.  
   “Do you bake?” Rafael smirks when he cuddles next to me.  
   “Not well, no. You have to follow a recipe to bake... there’s actual chemistry involved. I prefer to wing it in the kitchen. Taste as I go, add a little more spice if I feel like it. I mean I have measuring cups but I couldn’t tell you that last time I used them.”  
   “You cook then?”  
   “When time allows.” I smile.  
   “Why’d you pick this?” He gestures to the people racing a clock to finish some elaborate gravity defying cake.  
   “I just like to see what they come up with.”  
   “You force all your exes to watch these with you?” Rafael chuckles.  
_All my exes?_ “There’s not that many.” I shrug.  
   “I’m sure you’ve broken your fair share of hearts.” He smiles.  
   “Not really, or if I have I wasn’t aware of it.”  
   “What does that mean?”  
   “I just haven’t exactly dated a lot, if someone’s feelings for me were one sided I wouldn’t know...” I shrug again. I don’t really know how to answer without going into more detail that I think I want to.  
   “But we’re dating...” He seems hesitant, like he’s questioning it.  
   “I thought we established that.” I smirk.  
   “I... I just mean at first, before we really started calling it dating... have you done that a lot?”  
   “God no.” I blurt, not necessarily meaning to, “I’ve never slept with someone I wasn’t involved with, much less someone I had just met.”  
   “So how many?” He asks, relaxing a bit.  
   “Are you asking how many people I’ve slept with?” And I’m the tense one now.  
   “Is that ok?”  
   “I guess, if you’re prepared to answer the question yourself.”  
   “I am.” He smirks.  
   “How do I know you wont tell me something you think I want to here after I tell you my number?”  
   “Would you like to write it down and exchange them so we can’t change the number after the fact?” Rafael smirks again.  
   “Is this really necessary?” I sigh.  
   “That many huh?”  
   I know he’s teasing and I roll my eyes. “Just get the paper.”  
   Rafael chuckles and grabs a small note pad from his kitchen, bringing it and two pens back with him to his couch.  
   “Here.” He smiles handing me a sheet of paper and one of the pens.  
   “Is this including you or not?” I ask.  
   “Let’s include each other.”  
   I nod and write my measly little two on my paper and fold it in halve. _I shouldn’t be embarrassed about this..._  
   “You ready?” He asks, turning to face me.  
   I take a deep breath and hand him my paper, taking his from him. I don’t look up as he reads it, I don’t even open his because this doesn’t matter to me. I just sit there, flipping his between my fingers until his voice interrupts the nothing rolling around my head.  
   “Would you look at mine.”  
   I cut my eyes up to him only to find slightly amused looking green eyes staring back at me. I shake my head and unfold the piece of paper I’m holding.  
   “I’m number five?” I question.  
   “I’ve never been one to just sleep around and work keeps me pretty busy. Did you expect a higher number?”  
   “You’re just...”  
   “I’m just what?” He smirks, lifting his brow.  
   “Really good.” I grumble, rolling my eyes.  
   “Like you have so much to compare me to.” Rafael chuckles, wrapping his arms around me before I can react to his statement.  
   “Jerk.” I giggle, playfully fighting against his hold, at least until he pulls me under him and kisses me.  
   His tongue finds mine as his body presses against me, his shirt I’m wearing riding up my sides giving his hands access to the soft skin.  
   Buuzzzzzzz...  
   “Who’s here?” I ask when he pulls back from my lips.  
   “I would assume our dinner.” He smirks.

   Beep... Beep... Beep...  
   I groan and roll over, my arm coming to rest on Rafael’s chest.  
   “Good morning.” He chuckles, twisting under my reach to turn his alarm off.  
   “You know what would be really nice?” I mutter against his pillow.  
   “What’s that?” He’s not even bothering to hide his amusement.  
   “More sleep.” I grumble.  
   “Sorry, but we both have work.” He says, pulling the soft, warm covers from my naked body causing me to groan again.  
   “Get up and I’ll let you shower with me.”  
   “You’ll let me huh?” I chuckle, crawling out of bed after him.

   I’m not going to lie... getting ready for work with Rafael was really nice. Something I’d definitely like to do more often. Up until now, when he’d stay the night he’d leave right after we woke up so he could go home to get ready himself, sometimes for the work day and sometimes just to meet back up with me later, but the getting ready part was always done separately. Sharing the bathroom, doing my make up while he styled his hair... slipping into my work clothes, while he adjusted his suit... making eyes at each other over cups of coffee... I’d have been fine for the morning to have lasted all day. Of course it couldn’t, and now I’m alone in the back of a town car. The driver dropping him off first and since the service is fairly nondescript we felt it safe for me to be dropped off at the precinct as well.  
   “I thought you normally walked to work.” Nick states as I climb out of the car, my overnight bag in tow.  
_Of course he’s getting to work at the same time I am._ “I didn’t sleep at my place last night.” I smile.  
   “So I can add car service to our list of clues as we figure out who your boyfriend is?” He chuckles.  
   “I guess.” I shrug. My morning has been too pleasant to be bothered by Nicks teasing, besides lots of people in this city use a car service.

   It’s mid afternoon when the jury finally comes back with a verdict.  
   “That took long enough.” Rollins grumbles as we make our way to court.  
   “You think they’ve reached a guilty verdict?” I ask. I worked a variety of cases in Maine, usually knowing the outcome before the jury even came back. I’m still adjusting to the complexity of the cases I work with SVU.  
   “It’s hard to tell.” She shrugs.  
   “I hope so...” I sigh. I want the victims to get justice, but also I know this case is stressing Rafael and I’m hoping a positive verdict will ease some of that.  
   “This guy you’re seeing, is he a public figure?” Rollins asks.  
   “Not you too...”  
   “I’m not going to bug you like Carisi and Nick. I’m just trying to figure out why he would need to keep his personal life private if he wasn’t a public figure of some sort.”  
   “Who’s a public figure?” Carisi ask as we join the group that includes Barba outside the courtroom.  
   “No one.” I huff.  
   “Oh, your boyfriend.” Carisi grins.  
   “That’s mature.” Barba says, giving Carisi a disapproving look before turning to enter the courtroom.  
   Though I doubt his statement will deter anyone, it does give me reprieve from answering Rollins original question.  
   I watch Barba as he fiddles with his pen, waiting for the verdict. The defendants stand and the judge orders the foreman to read the verdict. I swear when the word guilty is read, Barba’s shoulder instantly relax.

   “You want to grab a drink after work, to celebrate? I have Lucy until seven.” Liv asks Barba when he joins us in the hall outside the courtroom once again. I slight twinge of jealousy sweeping over me, but he’s mentioned their friendship and I brush it aside.  
   “I’m hoping to have other plans tonight.” He smiles.  
   “You’re seeing someone?” Liv returns his smile and she seems genuinely pleased by this news.  
   “I’ll tell you about her soon, I promise.” He whispers so the other detectives can’t eavesdrop, but he’s aware I’m close enough to hear.  
   “You better.” She chuckles as we leave to head back to the precinct again, not noticing me glance over my shoulder or his smirk.


	7. Chapter 7

 

   I’m pacing in my apartment. I’ve tried watching a movie, I’ve tried reading, I’ve even gone for a quick run and taken another shower... Nothing is settling my nerves, so I’m pacing. I glance at the clock for the hundredth time and realized Rafael said he’d be here ten minutes ago... I don’t bother him though and continue to score a path in my floor. Back and forth, back and forth, until I startle when there’s a knock at my door.  
   “Sorry I’m late.” He’s smiling so that’s a good sign.  
   “What did you tell her?”   
   He’s had dinner with Liv. They apparently hadn’t met up other than at work since we started dating so she wanted to catch up a bit, especially after he mentioned he was seeing someone. I’m not worried about him having dinner with Liv... he can be friends with whoever he wants, especially someone he was friends with before he met me. I’m concerned because she knows he’s dating someone and I want to officially disclose, not have her find out over dinner with her friend... I want to be involved in the disclosure since she is my boss.  
   “I told her that I met an amazing, beautiful woman who distracted me from some work I needed to finish while getting a drink at the bar almost five months ago.”  
   “I thought you said the work could wait until Monday?”  
   “I lied.” Rafael smirked.  
   “Did my name come up? Does she know?” I should find his previous admission cute, but I’m too distracted.  
   “You’re really stressed about this.” He looks concerned.  
   “I just wish we had disclosed earlier. The longer I work at SVU the harder it’s going to be if they transfer me... I’m really starting to like them. Also, if I’m transferred, I’ll be the newbie all over again. The longer we wait the more it’s going to seem like we were hiding something. Does she know I brought you home the first night we met?” I seem slightly panicked and his reddening face tells me the answer to my last question.  
   “I didn’t even think... I’m sorry.”  
   “It’s fine. The fact that we slept together probably explains why we didn’t just ignore the fact that we talked at the bar...”  
   “Maeve...” I glance up at him but remain silent so he continues. “I just told her how I feel, that I’m happy with you and wouldn’t want to change anything about our relationship. That you make me laugh, somehow seem more pragmatic that me despite the impulsive start, and... I just told her how happy I am.”  
   His pause at the end makes me want to know what else he’s said, but I let it go. “She doesn’t know it’s me though?”  
   “Disclosing is that important to you?”  
   “I just don’t like feeling like I’m lying. I want things done to protocol. We’ve been lucky that I haven’t had to testify.”  
   Rafael pauses for a moment, clearly thinking. “Ok, we’ll tell her tomorrow and I’ll let my bosses know too.”  
   “Tomorrow?”  
   “We were going to in a week anyway.”  
   “Oh yeah, you arbitrarily set date.” I chuckle.  
   “Pack a bag and come to my place, we’ll hash everything out tonight. Tomorrow we’ll disclose and see where everything falls.”  
   “Are you sure?” Why am I trying to talk him out of this... it’s what I want.  
   “Yes. You’re right. We should be upfront about this and the longer we wait the harder it will be.”

   I’m sitting at my desk fidgeting with a stack of post-it notes. I should be working on paperwork from the case that we caught last week, but I can’t focus. Rafael had to do a few things in his office this morning, but said he’d stop by the precinct around ten so we can disclose. I’ve wanted to do this for so long, but now that it’s here I’m a nervous wreck. There could be actual consequences to this...  
   “Everything ok?” Carisi asks when I sigh for what I’m sure is the tenth time in ten minutes.  
   “Everything’s fine.” I smile, forcing myself to focus on my work.  
   I nearly spill my water when Rafael walks in, but thankfully I’ve secured the cap on the bottle. _How does he look so confident?_ I watch as he looks around the bullpen, like he’s trying to decide who to pick before settling on me.  
   “Maeve can I borrow you?”  
   “Sure.” I get up, tying not to let how nervous I am show, and follow him to Liv’s office.  
   “Liv, got a minute?” Rafael asks, poking his head through her open door.   
   “Sure.” She says, her expression becoming more curious when Rafael allows me to enter before him and pulls the door close.  
   I take one of the chairs across from Liv’s desk while he takes the other. Rafael glances at me and then turns to Liv, we’ve agreed that given their friendship he should start.  
   “We’ve typed up a full disclosure,” he says, pulling the paper we spent the better part of the evening working on out of his inside jacket pocket and hands it to her, “Maeve is the woman I told you about last night. She’s wanted to disclose our relationship for a while, but has respected my wishes to keep things private. It was selfish, but it was my decision so please don’t hold that against her.”  
   “I’m confused. I thought you said you met in a bar.” Liv questions.  
   “We did, the Friday before I started this job. I didn’t know who he was.” I interject.  
   “Can you imagine my shock when you introduced me to her the following Monday?” Rafael smirks, but Liv doesn’t seem amused.  
   “It wasn’t planned, and I understand if I have to leave SVU.” I add.  
   Liv looks at me, really looks at me, like she’s trying to figure out who I am. I can’t blame her though. I’ve been working with her and Rafael and everyone else for months now, pretending I barely know the man I’m sleeping with. “I’ll inform IAB, it will be out of my hands after that.”  
   “I understand.” I nod.  
   “But you have some pull.” Rafael adds drawing Liv’s attention back to him.  
   I watch them look at each other, having some sort of silent conversation I’m not included in. “I’ll see what I can do.” She chuckles and shakes her head.  
   “That’s all I ask.” Rafael smiles.  
   “Do you need me to go with you when you talk to your boss?” I ask.  
   “No, I already informed the DA.” He says as he stands.  
   “It went ok?” I ask.  
   “As long as we’re covering this on your end, which we are.”  
   “Ok.” And I can finally breath again.  
   “Liv, no matter how this works out with IAB, I’d still like to keep my personal life private as much as possible. I’m sure everyone will find out eventually, I just don’t want to make some kind of announcement.” Rafael adds.  
   “You can let the others know on your terms.” She smiles. _Great more lying..._ but it is what Rafael and I agreed to. It seems important to him and honestly it makes me feel better that I’m not being paraded around as arm candy.  
   “Thanks.” He smiles.  
   I start to get up to follow Rafael out when Liv speaks again.  
   “Maeve, will you stay a minute?”  
   “Sure.” I sit back down as Rafael hesitates by the door.  
   “Will you shut the door on your way out?” Liv asks, looking at Rafael.  
   “Yes.” He replies and slowly opens the door, glancing back to me as he slips out.   
   Once the door closes, Liv returns her attention to me. “I only ask this because Rafael is a friend and seems to really care for you... How invested in this are you? I know Rafael, I am only getting to know you.”  
   “IAB could choose to fire me and I wouldn’t regret a single moment I have spent with that man.” I smile as I think of our morning together and his attempts to calm my nerves.  
   Liv chuckles. “Believe me they wont fire you, a transfer is a possibility though. You’re a good addition to our unit and have fit well with the other detectives so I will fight for you... and not just because Rafael has asked me to. But I can’t make any guarantees.”  
   “I’ll deal with the consequences that come with the choices I’ve made.”  
   “You know, you’re not the only one who made them.” Liv smirks.  
   “I know, but his life is more established here than mine is. It just makes more sense that I’d be the one most effected if a change has to happen. I’m fine with that.” I shrug.  
   “Does he know that?”  
   “What do you mean?” I’m not sure I understand her question.  
   “Does he know how much of a change you’re willing to make for him?”  
   “I’d still be a detective. Don’t get me wrong, I love this unit, fighting for the victims, I really enjoy the people that work here... but not as much as I love him.” _Jesus Christ, did I really just say that?_ “I didn’t mean to say that... don’t tell him I said that.” From as warm as my face feels I know I must be beet red. I don’t even allow myself to think that and I’ve just rambled it out like it’s nothing while talking to his good friend who also happens to be my boss.  
   “I promise, you will get to be the one to tell him that when you’re ready.” She’s not laughing, but she’s clearly amused and now I really want to know what he’s told her.  
   “Thank you.” I exhale.  
   “If Rafael’s available take a long lunch. I’m sure he’s panicked as to why I kept you.” Liv suggest, and this time she does laugh, but it’s not at my expense.  
   I’m more relaxed as I head back to my desk. The disclosure is done and for the most part had seemed to go well. I can handle being transferred.  
   “What was that about?” Carisi asks as I sit down.  
   “Nothing, Barba just had a question about the victim Nick and I interviewed.” I lie, hating myself for doing it, and pick up my phone to text Rafael to see if he’s available for lunch.  
   Carisi looks like he’s about to ask a follow up question, but his phone rings before he can get to it. It’s one of his sisters and he rolls his eyes while moving out of the bullpen to talk.

   “Lunch was Liv’s idea.” Rafael chuckles as he pulls my chair out for me. We’ve gone to a restaurant close to work, but we aren’t afraid of being seen now. Well that, and we aren’t exactly acting like we’re on a date or anything. For all anyone knows we’re coworkers enjoying a working lunch. If one of the other detective saw us, yes, they would assume, but while we aren’t announcing anything we’ve also decided we wont necessarily hide it either... except at work itself. There we will remain professional and act the same as we always have.  
   “She thought you might be concerned that she held me back.” I smile.  
   “Why did she keep you?”  
   “She just wanted to know my intentions.” I chuckle.  
   “Like an over protective sister or something?” Rafael grumbles.  
   “What exactly did you tell her at dinner?”  
   “Just what I told you last night.” He replies quickly while blushing.  
   “So... we’re officially disclosed.” I smile, choosing to let him have his secret.  
   “Do you feel better?”  
   “So much better.”  
   “Even if you get transferred to a different unit?” He asks.  
   “Yep.”  
   He relaxes a bit and takes a sip of water. “Ok...”  
   “Who all knows exactly?” I ask. I know on my end Liv knows and that some guy named Tucker will be over the discloser at IAB, but that’s about it.  
   “McCoy on my end, that’s all that really needs to know because it’s more of a matter of not hiding it than announcing it... Tucker at IAB, he’s a piece of work, but fairly straight forward and discreet. He and Liv have a long history. Most likely he’ll talk to you and me at least once, verify dates and our statement. Since there’s really nothing sordid and we have made an effort to be upfront, it’ll be filed away as a documented relationship. He may or may not feel the need to inform Chief Dodds... he’ll let us know though.”  
   I’m now nervous again... I didn’t really expect to be interviewed about our relationship. “Do we need to get our story straight?”  
   “Just be honest. Believe me you don’t want to sound rehearsed to him. We both have different perspectives telling the same story... that’s how it should appear.” Rafael smiles and reaches across the table to reassuringly squeeze my hand.  
   “Ok.” I nod taking a breath.  
   “Were any of the others curious as to why I pulled you in Liv’s office?”  
   “Carisi, but he got distracted by a call from his sister. He’ll probably ask again at some point.” I shrug. I know I can dismissively answer his questions by remaining vague about it having something to do with our current case.

   It’s been three days and I haven’t heard anything about the disclosure. Part of me hopes it will just fade away and nothing consequential will come from it, but I feel Liv would mention something about me not getting transferred if that were the case. Instead I spend my days trying to focus on work with this gnawing at the back of my mind. _Relax... it will work out however it works out._ I keep reminding myself that this was the right thing to do. Being caught without disclosing would have been so much worse...  
   “You like older men?” Carisi casually asks from across our desks.  
   “Usually, why?”  
   “So your boyfriend is older than you?” He smiles.  
_This again..._ “He is.” I reply returning my attention to my work... I mean what could knowing he’s older than me give them.  
   “A lot older or a little older?”  
   “Well I’m not Vickie Lynn Hogan if that helps narrow the age gap down for you.” I mutter, standing to grab a file I need.  
   “Who?” Carisi questions, furrowing his brow.  
   “Anna Nicole Smith.” Chief Dodds answers, his eyes trained on me as I turn to see who’s spoken. I’ve never actually been introduced to the man standing by my desk, but I can tell from the way he’s looking at me that he knows about me and Rafael. “Detective Walsh, correct?”  
   “Yes.”  
   “You got a moment?” Dodds asks and I nod, following him towards Liv’s office.  
   “Lieutenant Benson isn’t actually here right now.” I say as we get closer to her door.  
   “She wont mind.” He states, closing the door behind us as we cross the threshold.  
   The blinds are open and I can see everyone staring at us as I stand silently waiting for him to speak.  
   “You met ADA Barba before you officially started working for the department?”  
   “Before my official first day, yes.”  
   “And you had no idea who he was?”  
   “We didn’t talk about work.” I really don’t want to mention that I didn’t know his name...  
   “It doesn’t sound like you did much talking at all.”  
   “Excuse you! I’m sorry, but that is extremely inappropriate.” He still hasn’t introduced himself to me, but I can assume he ranks higher than Liv. I don’t care though, he wasn’t there that night and he doesn’t get to judge our choices.  
   He stares at me for a moment before speaking again. “It’s been five months?”  
   “Yes.”  
   “I’ve been told you’ve maintained a professional working relationship.”  
   “We will continue to do so as well.” I state.  
   “You don’t want your fellow detectives to know?”  
   “Barba doesn’t.”  
   “But they know you’re in a relationship.” He lifts a brow accusingly at me.  
   “Nick asked me out so I told him I was seeing someone...”  
   “Carisi too?”  
   “He didn’t, but I assume that’s why Nick told him...” I roll my eyes.  
   “It bothers you that they both wanted to ask you out?”  
   “I’m used to it.” I half sigh.  
   He again stares at me. “You’re willing to be moved from this department to continue your relationship?”  
   “If that’s what it takes.”  
   “You’d prefer to stay though?”  
   “Yes, I like SVU... the cases can be heart wrenching, but it nice to be able to help these victims in some way. It’s where I’d like to be.” I reply.  
   “Does it have to be Manhattan?”  
   “What do you mean?”  
   “Well, there’s Queens, Brooklyn, Staten Island, The Bronx... they all have special victim units.”  
   “I’d like to not have a long commute to work but other than that I suppose another borough would be fine.”  
   “And right now how do you get to work?”  
   “I walk.”  
   “So you’d prefer to stay.”  
   “I would.” I nod.  
   “Ok... I’ll be in touch then.” He states, turning to leave Liv’s office.  
   I take a breath and make my way back to the files to find the one I had been looking for.  
   “Are you dating Chief Dodds?” Carisi blurts.  
   “What? No.” I scoff, assuming that Chief Dodds is the man I had just spoke with.  
   “What was that about?” Rollins asks.  
   “Just some things with my transfer from Maine.” I figure this could be believable and would answer some questions if I am transferred and Rafael still doesn’t want them to know about us.

   “I heard Chief Dodds paid you a visit this afternoon.” Rafael says as I lean against him on his couch. We spend a fair amount of time at his place now. It’s easier to get ready here in the mornings, especially since I keep my make up in a bag and I seem to wear less clothing daily than he does. I’ve even bought toiletries to keep here.  
   “He did.”  
   “How’d that go?”  
   “I honestly have no idea...” I sigh.  
   “You still want this?”  
   “You mean you?” I smile, “very much so...” I cuddle closer to him.  
   “What did Dodds say?”  
   “He mentioned special victim units in other boroughs and asked me what I wanted... Then said he’d be in touch.”  
   “I met with Tucker today.”  
   “Is he worse or better than Dodds?”  
   “Worse usually, but he doesn’t seem that concerned with this... or at least he didn’t with me.” Rafael smiles.  
   “Does that mean I still have that to look forward to?” I sigh.  
   “I doubt he’ll just be interviewing me.”  
   “Do you want to go to bed?”  
   “At nine?” He chuckles.  
   “This is more draining than I thought it would be.”  
   “Why do you think I kept putting it off.” Rafael smirks.  
   I’m quietly fiddling with buttons on his shirt when he speaks again. “It was the right thing to do, and once everything settles we wont have to worry about it anymore.”  
   “I know.” I rest my head against his chest as his arm holds me tighter. We just have to get to that point.


	8. Chapter 8

 

   “Ok... ok...” I pant, pushing Rafael’s face away from my clit.  
   “You know you can handle a little more.” He smirks crawling so that he’s hovering over me, my legs spread on either side of him.  
   Part of me thinks he’s right, that if I just let him keep going I’d enjoy the end results, but I haven’t the fortitude not to stop him once I’m that sensitive. “You could always ignore me.”  
   “Yeah... that’s not happening.”  
   He’s extremely serious when he says this and for a moment I’ve forgotten the kind of work we do. I smile and shove the condom we’ve set out into his chest. My eyes never leaving him as he rolls it on and settles between my legs, his lips finding mine as he pushes into me.  
   The future of my job is still uncertain, I’m scheduled to meet with this Tucker guy tomorrow at two, and I’ve chosen to distract myself from everything by having sex with my boyfriend. Not that I need an excuse to have sex with him... I definitely don’t need an excuse. It’s just nothing has worked to get my mind off everything except this. I can’t help it when I’m with him... I think of nothing else. His scent, the feel of him, his lips on mine, his skin pressing against me, the weight of his body on mine, running my hands through the soft sections of his hair not held in place by product, how disheveled his hair looks once his forehead has pressed into my neck a few times...  
   “Fuck.” I groan, gripping his hair tighter while lifting my hips to meet each thrust.  
   We’re at my place, completely opting out on dinner as neither of us have had much of an appetite this last week. Both preferring to be in his bed or mine... today my place won out simply because of it’s proximity to work.  
   “You want me to make this quick or take my time?” He pants against my neck, not altering the tempo he’s set.  
   “I want to be lost in you.” And I do... for as long as possible I want to feel like nothing but the two of us exist.  
   Rafael slows his pace, pressing his lips to mine again, and grips my face as he rolls me on top, letting me take over. It’s effective as I now have complete control of the speed and angle in which he enters me as well as freeing up his hands to tantalize other areas of my body.  
   I take my time riding him, watching him as he watches me. I’m in no rush and he seems the same. The case that’s going nowhere, the stress he faces at work, the stress I’m facing... all if it gone in this moment. It’s just the two of us. It reminds me that what I really want is him and that in the end, that is all that matters. Not necessarily the sex itself, not that it’s not fantastic... it’s more than that though. It’s about being with him... being one with him... _loving him..._  
   “No...” I grunt, my body jerking forward as his arms wrap around me and I constrict around him, my body trembling against his chest.  
   “Did you just say no to your orgasm?” He chuckles.  
   “I’m not ready for this to end.” I pant.  
   “Good because I’m not done yet.” Rafael smirks pulling himself up so that I’m straddling in his lap, still impaled on him with my legs bent so that my knees are against the mattress, my chest level with his face. I close my eyes as I feel his hands run up my sides before fondling my breast. My fingers lace into his hair as his mouth engulfs a nipple, my body slowly beginning to move on him again.  
   “Maeve...” He says softly. His hands are still on me but I can tell, even though I haven’t looked down at him yet, that I will be greeted with his eyes when I do.  
   “Yes, Rafael.” Soft green eyes meet mine as I continue to ride him, my lips inches above his.  
   “I’m really glad we met at the bar that night.” We haven’t broken eye contact as he speaks. “I know you well enough now that I can assume none of this would be happening if we hadn’t. I would just be the ADA you work with and nothing more. The idea of that now... it’s unbearable.”  
   I rack my brain for something besides the I love you that’s threatening to escape my lips. I seriously consider saying it but chicken out, pressing my lips to his instead. It seems like ever since I accidentally said it in front of Liv it’s constantly lingering in the back of my mind and I have no idea if I’m crazy for even thinking it. It’s been five months... I’ve only ever said it once before and it took me well over a year to even think it then, much less say it.  
   Rafael moves me back beneath him, his lips never leaving mine, pressing himself closer to me. I moan into his mouth as his steady thrusting begins to stir that euphoric feeling again.  
   “My god...” I groan. I’d say I gave into the release, but really what choice do I have.  
   “That’s going to go to my head.” He tries to chuckle but it comes out strained.  
   “Let it.” I’m struggling to speak as well at this point, but the extra effort is worth it when I feel him smile against my shoulder.  
   He grunts, pushing a few last times before stilling, his breathing labored, his full weight pressing down on me. We lay there, just enjoying the contact with each other. Rafael pulls up, his eyes soft, like he wants to say something but he doesn’t, he just stares at me.  
   “What?”  
   “Am I a fool to let myself think you could fall in love with me?” He sighs, closing his eyes.  
   “I hope not.” I whisper, gently grazing his cheek with my thumb.  
   “That’s not exactly the response I was hoping for.” He smirks.  
   “Actually say it then.” I smile.  
   He looks at me for a moment, eyes bouncing between mine. “I love you, Maeve.” It’s soft and breathy and quite honestly perfect.  
   “I love you, too.” I breathe, pulling him back to my lips.

   “Morning.” Rafael smiles down at me from where he’s leaning against my headboard when my alarm goes off.  
   I grumble and reach to turn it off, the incessant beeping distracting me from the otherwise pleasant feeling of waking up next to him. “What time did you wake up?” I didn’t hear his phone alarm, but he’s clearly been awake a while.  
   “An e-mail at five woke me.”  
   “You know you can turn the alerts off on those.” I chuckle, cuddling closer to him. _Screw my morning run..._ I can skip today, I’m exhausted anyway.  
   Rafael kisses the top of my head. “Yes, but then I’d wake more often just to check my e-mail. I don’t exactly get junk at my work address.”  
   “I expected you to be less of a morning person.” I smile. And I really did. It was three weeks before he actually spent the night and from the ornery exterior I had seen at work, I really expected a grump to greet me in the morning.  
   “Mornings are quiet and usually no one’s had a chance to annoy me yet.”  
   “Except through e-mail.”  
   “Those are usually informative, besides... how can I not be content when you’re sleeping soundly next to me.”  
   “What time do you need to leave to get to work on time?” I yawn moving to sit next to him. If I stay cuddled against his chest I know I’ll fall back to sleep.  
   “My car will be here at five forty five, so you should have plenty of time for your run.”  
   “I’m skipping it today... too tired.” I yawn again.  
   “Are you feeling ok?”  
   “Just drained. I’ll be better once everything settles.”  
   “I can let you sleep instead of...” He lifts his eyebrows at me a few times and I laugh.  
   “Are you kidding? What do you think is helping me actually fall sleep right now.”  
   “So we’ll continue with the sex then.” He smirks.  
   “It takes my mind off things.”  
   I glance at my phone, reading through the morning headlines as he finishes up whatever e-mail he’s reading.  
   “Maeve...”  
   “Rafael...” I’ve decided to teasingly match his sensual tone.  
   “I love you.” He’s almost whispered it.  
   I’m relieved he’s said again, even if he seems timid to. I was afraid it might have been the afterglow... a feeling that would fade for him when he wasn’t just coming down from climaxing.  
  “I love you, too.” I speak with more backbone than he did, but it’s easier to reciprocate than to say it first.  
   He grips the back of my neck and pulls me to his lips, his tongue finding mine, continuing our passionate embrace until his phone buzzes.  
   “My car is here.” Rafael sighs, pulling his lips from mine.  
   “I’ll see you tonight if I don’t at work.” I smile pressing my forehead to his, only to have him pull up to kiss it before crawling out of bed.

   I swear I’ve been on cloud nine all morning. I literally hummed on my way to work and couldn’t stop smiling. Ok, I still can’t stop smiling. _God I’m pathetic._ Even this thought makes me smile. I don’t even care that I’m meeting with Tucker this afternoon. Ok... I care... but nothing is going to dampen my mood.  
   “Did you get lucky last night?” Rollins asks.  
   “What?” I feel my face flush and everyone in the bullpen, including Fin chuckles.  
   “I was only teasing, because you seem so happy... I didn’t think you’d blush.” Rollins smiles.  
   I roll my eyes and occupy myself with work at my desk. I’m not annoyed that Rollins is teasing me, more that I have blushed so easily. I bite back a chuckle when my mind wonders to what they’d think if they knew who I got lucky with. _If they want to have a little fun at my expense, let them..._ With our disclosure submitted, even with the consequences still up in the air, I feel more comfortable with their teasing. Hell, I may even play along.

   “So, is he a public figure?” Rollins questions, clearly bored with the paperwork she’s working on.  
   Rafael holds press conferences occasionally, he’s technically a public figure... you can google him anyway. If you google me all you find are ten different LinkedIn profiles, none of which are me... “Kind of.” I answer noncommittally.  
   “What does that mean?” Nick asks.  
   I smile and shake my head.  
   “Is he famous?” Nick continues.  
   “Like an actor or something?” I question.  
   “Well you did show up in a town car the other day.”  
   “No, not an actor. I’m not sure I could trust someone who’s profession is pretending to be someone else.” I chuckle.  
   “Some other kind of public figure then...” Nick says as he thinks out loud.  
   “Like a politician?” Carisi interjects and I crinkle my nose up.  
   “Guess not.” Fin chuckles.  
   “I didn’t think you were a part of this ridiculous quest they’re on?” I frown at him.  
   “I’m not, doesn’t mean I can’t comment.” He says smiling at me.  
   I shake my head, returning my focus to my work.  
   “Ok so what do we know so far?” Nick questions both Rollins and Carisi as he rolls a small rarely used white board to his desk.  
   “He occasionally works late.” Carisi offers as Nick writes ‘public figure of some kind’ on the board.  
   “Uses a car service.” Rollins adds, since Nick just mentioned it.  
   “Thanks Rollins.” I mutter only for her to smile and shrug in response.  
   “He’s older.” Carisi states.  
   “Met over dinner at a bar after she moved to New York, but before started working with us.” Nick says as he writes it.  
   I watch them make their list. “We really need a new case...” I mutter loud enough for them to hear me. Fin and Rollins chuckle, but the other two ignore me and continue.  
   “He hasn’t defined the relationship.” Carisi’s says.  
   “Actually, we have now.” I interject. I don’t know why I feel the need to correct this... maybe because it’s the only way I can lay some sort of claim to him, even if they don’t know who ‘the him’ is.  
   “What is everyone doing?” Liv asks as she walks through the bullpen towards her office.  
   “Hazing the new kid.” I grumble.  
   She glances at the board that Nick’s titled ‘Who is Maeve dating?’ then chuckles and continues to her office.

   I’ve arrived at One Police Plaza ten minutes early, and sit in an uncomfortable chair as I wait to be interrogated over my relationship.  
   “Detective Walsh?”  
   “Yes.” I stand and follow the man with grayish white hair down a hallway.  
   He gestures to a chair at a table in a relatively blank room with only a small conference table and the chairs surrounding it. “I’m Captain Tucker and this is Sergeant Draper,” he says indicating the man next to him who’s aiming a small camera my direction, “we’ll be asking you a few questions about you relationship with ADA Rafael Barba.”  
   “Ok.” I nod.  
   “When did you meet ADA Barba?” Tucker asks.  
   “The Friday before I started with SVU.”  
   “The exact date.” Draper states.  
   “September eighteenth.”  
   “When you found out you would be working together so soon after first meeting, what made you decide to continue with the relationship?” Tucker questions.  
   “We had already slept together and when we talked after we discovered we worked together, we both decided there was enough to explore what we were feeling between us. We slowed things down and actually got to know each other at that point.”  
   “When was that?” Draper asks.  
   “The discussion?” I clarify and he nods. “Monday evening after work on my first day.”  
   “Would you lie for him?” Tucker asks.  
   “Only in the sense that he doesn’t want everyone to know we’re dating, only those that need to. I would never lie when it pertains to work, either in the investigation of a case or at trial.”  
   “Why does he not want everyone to know?” Tucker questions.  
   “He says it’s none of their business.” I smile to myself as I picture Rafael slightly huffy as he says it.  
   “You wanted to disclose sooner?” Tucker asks, he seems to have taken over the interrogation... I mean interview.  
   “I did. As soon as we knew it was something worth disclosing.”  
   “When was that?”  
   “About three months in was when I brought it up again.”  
   “Again?” Tucker lifts his brows.  
   “I asked if we should that fist day we talked after finding out we worked together, but we both agreed we needed to see if there was something to actually disclosed first.”  
   “Have you ever dated anyone you’ve worked with before?”  
   “No.”  
   “Not even something undisclosed?”  
   “No.”  
   Tucker pauses for moment and then continues.  
   “If we decide to transfer you, would you prefer homicide in Manhattan or SVU in Brooklyn or The Bronx?”  
   “I guess Brooklyn over The Bronx, it’s closest to where I currently live. Homicide in Manhattan would be my first choice though.” I sigh. I assume from his question that the decision is to have me transferred and as much as I’ve excepted it, I really like the people I’ve just started to get to know... even if they are teasing me about figuring out who I’m dating.  
   “Do you think it’s possible to maintain the professional working relationship with ADA Barba you’ve had so far?”  
   “I don’t see what would change the way we work together.”  
   Tucker again pauses and then dismisses me.

   I slump into my chair when I return to the precinct. I had hoped to feel better after my interview with IAB was over, but I feel even more drained. Maybe it’s just because there’s nothing I can really do but wait now. _So much for how carefree I felt this morning..._  
   “You ok?”  
   “I’m fine, Carisi...” I grumble, feeling a little bad for just dismissing him, but I really don’t know how to answer his question. I don’t feel ok and I can’t exactly explain to him why.  
   “You break up with your boyfriend?” He asks.  
   This actually makes me laugh. “No, we didn’t breakup.” I smile, mostly at how close and yet so far he is from the reason for my mood.  
   “If you want to talk...” He shrugs before turning his attention back to his work.  
   I pretend to read the file on my desk, thinking instead about how shitty it will be if I have to leave this unit.  
   Vzzzzzt... I pull out my phone to see a text from Rafael. “Take a breath, relax, and I’ll see you tonight.”  
   “Dinner?” I reply.  
   Vzzzzzt... “Anywhere you want.”  
   I smile, feeling a little better, though I still don’t have an appetite so I’m not sure why I’ve suggested dinner.


	9. Chapter 9

 

   It’s Monday morning and I feel like crap, like I’ve been ran over by a bus on my way into work. We’ve heard absolutely nothing about my standing in the department. Will I be transferred? Will I get to stay? I’m exhausted... so exhausted... Rafael’s actually starting to get concerned, but I keep telling him that they have to let me know something eventually. I’ve never done anything like this before... dating a coworker... so I have no idea if how I’m feeling is a normal reaction. Considering how out of character this whole situation is for me, I assume the exhaustion is from the stress of everything. I’m beginning to wonder if you can actually worry yourself sick.  
   “You look terrible.” Carisi says as I sink into my seat.  
   “Thanks.” I manage to muster a smile, but it’s seriously lacking in conviction.  
   “Are you feeling ok?”  
   “Not really, I’ll be fine though. I don’t have a fever or anything.” I know this because Rafael’s taken my temperature... multiple times... He seems to think I’m coming down with something as well.  
   “You want some coffee?” Rollins offers as she pours herself a cup.  
   “I’m good.” I smile, swallowing back the nausea that appears at the mere mention of coffee, opting instead to take a sip of my water.  
   Our conversation is interrupted when Deputy Chief Dodds enters the bullpen. All eyes turning to him. “Detective Walsh.” He says, nodding toward Liv’s office.  
   I take a deep breath and stand, following him, completely aware that everyone is watching me. _Here we go..._ I guess I’m getting my answer now, either way it has to be better than the limbo state I’ve been in.  
   “Have a seat.” Dodds says once he’s closed the door. Liv looks just as surprised as I am when we enter so I can’t be upset with her for not giving me a heads up.  
   “Have you made a decision?” She asks as we both sit down.  
   “I’ve watched both Detective Walsh and ADA Barba’s interviews with IAB as well as talked with both Lieutenant Benson,” he nods at her, “and Jack McCoy. Tucker and I agree that if things can remain professional, like they have been, we can leave things as they are on a trial basis.”  
   “How long would the trial basis be for?” I asks. This sounds like more uncertainty. _I don’t like uncertainty._  
   “I’ll put it this way. You can remain with SVU until your relationship interferes. If it doesn’t interfere then that will be indefinitely, if it does the discussion of a transfer will come up again.” Dodds states.  
   “Testifying isn’t an issue?” I asks.  
   “Not since your relationship is disclosed. If it’s brought to the judges attention they may ask that you provide details of the disclosure, but IAB will readily supply that for you.” Dodds replies.  
   “Ok.” I nod. I feel better, not necessarily great, but much better. I leave the two of them in Liv’s office and return to my desk.  
   “Everything ok?” Carisi asks, sounding concerned.  
   “Yes, they’ve just finalized my transfer issue. Everything’s fine now.” I smile.

   It’s still been slow and everyone decided to get out of the station for lunch, Fin offered to stay behind in case someone needed something, but considering I haven’t had much an appetite I offered to stay instead. I’m not in the mood to make small talk, especially if it will be about Dodds visit.  
   “You sure?” Nick asks as they start to leave.  
   “Yes.”  
   “You want me to bring you something back?”  
   “Can you get me a some of mac and cheese... oh and mashed potatoes.” I smile, figuring out something that actually sounds palatable.  
   “You just want a side of macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes?” He looks at me funny, but I nod anyway. This is seriously the first thing in weeks that sounds appetizing. I swear I’ve lost weight over this whole disclosure thing. “Ok.” He says shaking his head.  
   “Oh... and a roll.” I add.  
   “Carbs, carbs, and more carbs.” He chuckles, “I’ll see what I can do.”

   I’m sitting at my desk seriously contemplating whether anyone would notice if I took a quick nap, though not serious enough to actually lay my head down, when I notice a college aged girl enter the bullpen.  
   “Can I help you?” I call from my desk, thankful she’s coming to me and I don’t have to get up. _Hopefully, I’ll sleep better tonight._  
   “Yes... I think... I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do with this.” She hands me her phone and presses play on a video that’s been texted to her.  
   The video is of a girl being groped and manhandled by multiple guys around her age at what appears to be a party. I watch for a minute, pausing the video and setting the phone on my desk when it’s clear the group of guys around her have no intentions of stopping.  
   “Do you know who she is?” I asks.  
   “No. I wasn’t even there. It’s being texted around campus... I don’t even know if it took place on my campus or even in New York... I just... if she’s being raped... I thought I should do something. She may not know there’s video of it... They’re kind of brutal with her.”  
   “I’m Detective Walsh.” I introduce myself because I haven’t yet.  
   “Sandra... Sandra Summers.”  
   I’m making a few notes on the video and what Sandra has told me, her being kind enough to patiently wait as I do, when the others return from lunch.  
   “Liv?” I call, smiling when Nick sets a to go container on the corner of my desk.  
   “Yes.” She says, looking at me then glancing at Sandra.  
   “Can TARU trace the origins of a video that’s being passed around campus electronically?”  
   “Only one way to find out.” Liv states.  
   “Want me to call?” Fin asks.  
   “Yes.” I reply to Fin. “We may need your phone a bit longer.” I say apologetically to Sandra.  
   “That’s fine,” Sandra shrugs, “I kind of knew it wouldn’t be a quick trip when I decided to come in.”  
   “Are you the victim?” Liv asks.  
   “No, thank God.” Sandra says shuddering.  
   I hand Sandra’s phone to Liv with the video pulled up. The other detectives, gather around her to see as well. I’ve unfortunately watched more of it by this point, Rollins and Carisi make it as far as I did the first time Sandra handed me her phone, Liv pausing it a few minutes later.  
   “How many were there?” Rollins asked.  
   “Too many...” Liv mutters.  
   “I haven’t watched the whole thing, but I know I saw at least five before I had to turn it off.” I sigh, my stomach feeling queasy again.  
   “There’s more than that...” Sandra says softly.  
   “Do you know who the girl is?” Nick asks.  
   “No.” Sandra shakes her head.  
   “That’s a pretty nice apartment.” Carisi notes.  
   “Some people think money can buy anything.” Rollins grumbles.

   The detective from TARU basically dumps the text information associate with the video onto his computer and gives Sandra her phone back.  
   “I’ll see what I can do, but it may take a while.” He says and quickly leaves.  
   “Did you need anything else from me?” Sandra asks.  
   “It seems we may have to find out it’s origins the old fashion way,” Liv sighs, “who sent the video to you?”  
   “My friend Shelly, she lives in my dorm.” Sandra states.  
   “Rollins. Carisi. See if you can find out who sent it to Shelly. Maybe if we work backwards we can find who shot our film.” Rollins and Carisi follow Liv’s orders, quickly getting the dorm information from Sandra and heading out to track down our videographer.  
   Liv returns to her office, Sandra leaves, and the bullpen quiets again, reminding me of how tired I feel. At least the distraction of a new case prevented me from noticing my exhaustion for a little while.  
   “You going to eat?” Nick calls from his desk.  
   I had forgotten about the food he had brought back for me. “I suppose I should while I can huh?” I smile, opening the lid. My stomach turns almost immediately. After what I just watched my already diminished appetite seems to have faded altogether. Still, I pick at the food not wanting anyone to notice, throwing most of it away when no ones looking.

   It seems the video has made it to most everybody on campus, so at six Liv sent us all home planning to pick up where we left off in the morning. There’s not much we can to without the identity of the victim anyway. Rafael picked me up from my apartment and for some reason I really want ice cream so we made a quick stop on our way to his place.  
   “Mind if I eat actual food?” He chuckles while pulling out deli meat and cheese so he can make a sandwich.  
   “Not if you don’t mind watching me eat both pints.” I couldn’t make up my mind on the flavors and ended up grabbing two.  
   “You’re going to make yourself sick if you don’t eat something other than sugar.”  
   “I’ll survive.”  
   “You still haven’t heard anything?” He asks.  
   “About...”  
   “The reason I assume you’re stress eating ice cream.” Rafael chuckles.  
   “Oh... Dodds dropped by this morning. I’m staying at SVU on a trial basis, as long as our relationship doesn’t interfere with the cases we work everything’s fine.”  
   “You could have opened with that.”  
   “Sorry, it’s been a strange day.” I don’t mention the video, mostly because we really don’t have anything for him yet and notifying the DA’s office is Liv’s call not mine.  
   “Do you feel better?” Rafael asks as I sit next to him at his dining room table. Him with his sandwich, me with my ice cream, pleased that it’s just the right amount of melty from the car ride.  
   “I feel much better.” I yawn.  
   “You’re still tired.” He frowned. I guess he thought I’d magically be less tired after hearing that I get to stay with SVU.  
   “It’s been a long couple weeks. I’m sure I’ll get my energy back now that the stress of everything is lifted.” I smile, taking a large bite of my ice cream.

   I’ve slept better. For the first time in weeks I’ve slept through the night without waking once, though I have woken before Rafael for a change and take the opportunity to watch him sleep. It’s nice to see him that relaxed looking.  
   Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.  
   “Shit...” I mutter, quickly trying to silence the alarm.  
   “I have to wake up anyway.” He grins, pulling me into his arms.  
   “I know.” I smile, letting him hold me.  
   “Do you feel better.” He’s referencing the fact that my body rejected my ice cream dinner last night.  
   “I’m a little hungry.” I grumble.  
   “Let’s take a shower, then I’ll see what I have for breakfast.” Rafael smiles, pulling me behind him out of bed.

   “There’s eggs, bacon, bagels, cream cheese, bread...”  
   “I may just do toast.” I say interrupting him.  
   “Just toast?”  
   “I haven’t had much of an appetite lately. I think I over did it with the ice cream, maybe I should play it safe for breakfast, ease back into the eating thing.” I smile.  
   “You need butter?” He hands me the loaf of bread and I take it to the toaster while he gathers the stuff to fix his own breakfast.  
   “Do you have peanut butter?”  
   “The cabinet in front of you.”  
   I pull the peanut butter out as he hands me a plate and knife, standing out of the way as my bread toasts and he starts coffee and scrambles a few eggs. I could get used to this... sharing a kitchen with him... waking up next to him... I smile and plate my food, spreading a small amount of peanut butter on my toast, basically so it’s not dry, and pour a cup of coffee for each of us.  
   “You need anything?” I ask before moving to the table to eat.  
   “Just you.” He smirks.  
   “You’re cute.” I smile, taking my plate and coffee to the table.  
   We eat, I actually finish my food for a change, everything except the coffee anyway... I just haven’t had the stomach for it lately. We then head to work, his car service dropping me off first this time since the back windows of the car are tinted enough that it would be hard to see inside.  
   “Have a good day.” Rafael smiles, gently squeezing my hand.  
   “You too, love you.” I grin, leaning in to give him a quick kiss.  
   “Love you, too.” He’s pulled me closer, kissing me more eagerly than I had originally planned... not that I’m complaining... running his fingers down the length of my hair as our lips part.  
   “I’ll see you tonight.” I smile.  
   “Definitely.” He breathes.  
   I’m grinning as I climb out of the car, quickly shutting the door when I see Nick approaching from the opposite direction.  
   “Didn’t sleep at home again?” Nick chuckles.  
   I roll my eyes and smirk as a pass him on my way in the building.

   We pick up where we left off on trying to figure out who our victim in the video is. Some of the recipients of the video received it from multiple people so now we are all out, even Liv and Fin, tracing our text path back, hopefully to the originator. A little after two, Liv calls Nick to let us know Rollins and Carisi are bringing in the guy who shot the video. By the time Nick and I get back to the precinct Rollins and Carisi are in interrogation and I can see Rafael and Liv standing in her office watching.  
   “What’s he saying?” I ask Fin.  
   “Basically that he can tell us where the party took place and that he only sent the video to one of his frat brothers after he had showed it to him. Claims he didn’t know his friend was going to send it to everyone he knew.” Fin scoffs.  
   “He doesn’t know who the girl is?” Nick asks.  
   “So he says.”  
   Rafael and Liv exit her office and I quickly smile at him since both Nick and Fin have their backs to me.  
   “He gave us the address of the party, Maeve and Nick go check it out.” Liv says and the two of us are out the door almost as soon as we had returned. Part of me wants to stay and watch work Rafael, but if I’m being truly honest, the movement and getting out of the station has helped me feel more energized.

   The address takes us to an expensive penthouse in Tribeca. Nick shows security his badge and we’re granted access to the elevator.  
   “Hello?” Nick and I are both shocked that the girl from the video has answered the door.  
   Nick and I glance at each other. “I’m Detective Amaro and this is Detective Walsh... uh...” We glance into the living room, both of us recognizing it from the video, “can we talk to you down at the station?”  
   I know he wants to get her away from the building, just in case whoever’s forced her to take place in the activities we watched is around.  
   “Whatever, I’m up for pretty much anything.” She shrugs, grabbing her phone and following us down to the car.  
   “Did Steve put you up to this?” She asks once we start driving.  
   “Steve?” I ask.  
   “My boyfriend... never mind.”  
   I get the impression she doesn’t actually think we’re detectives, but choose to wait until we get back to the precinct to question her further.

   Rafael is still at the precinct when we return, all eyes turning to us when we enter the bullpen.  
   Liv stands and moves to introduce herself to our victim. “I’m Lieutenant Benson, you are?”  
   “Rachel, shit you really are cops?”  
   “We are. Are you ok?” Liv asks.  
   “I’m fine...” Rachel says furrowing her brow.  
   “We haven’t actually talked to her about why we brought her here. She answered the door and we recognized the living room from the video and thought it would be better to get her to a safe place.” Nick says.  
   “Safe place?” Rachel questions, “Safer than my penthouse? What video?”  
   Liv sighs and shows her the beginning of the video we’ve been investigating, pulling it up on a computer.  
   “What exactly do you think is happening here?” Rachel asks, looking around the room.  
   “It looks like you’re being forced to do those things.” Liv says.  
   “I can promise you I’m not.” She chuckles.  
   “You’re not?” Carisi blurts as the rest of us give her a more judgmental than curious look.  
   Rachel laughs and points to the guy that’s initiated the sexual contact, offering her up to others as he forces himself in her mouth. “That’s Steve, my boyfriend. He likes to share and I like to be shared. The more anonymity of the people I’m being shared with the better... at least for me. Steve doesn’t really care either way, I’ve fucked most his friends.”  
   I have to force my mouth closed so that I’m not staring at her like she’s just told me the most obscene thing I’ve ever heard.  
   “You tell them to stop multiple times.” Liv counters.  
   “Yes... so?”  
   Liv looks at Rachel, furrowing her brow.  
   “Didn’t you watch the beginning of the video?” Rachel asks.  
   Rollins backs the video up and presses play. “This is where the video we have starts.”  
   “Well some fucker just got themselves uninvited... that’s not the official video.”  
   “The official video?” Barba asks. He’s definitely Barba, not Rafael, at the moment... the contempt in his voice is evident.  
   Rachel rolls her eyes and pulls up a website on the computer, logging in as the administrator. She clicks passed tons of other videos until she gets to the one matching the video we’ve seen. “Here.” She points, pressing play.  
   It starts with her listing out the guidelines for the evening and the jumps to a different angle of what we’ve already seen.  
   “See, I’m not a victim here.” Rachel states.  
   “How old are you?” I ask. It’s concern for the fact that she doesn’t realize what she’s putting out on the internet... not that she can’t consent.  
   “Twenty two, why?”  
   “It’s just once this stuff is out there, it’s out there... forever.”  
   “So?”  
   “So when you decide this isn’t what you want to do anymore and you’re apply for jobs you may feel differently.” Rollins adds.  
   “What do you think pays for my penthouse?” Rachel snaps. “Look, this is my website, Steve is not only my boyfriend but my business partner. We found a way to profit off our shared interest and I make one hell of a profit... I’m not a paid actress, I’m the owner and I’m not looking for a different line of work to get into.”  
   “But...”  
   Rachel interrupts Liv and continues. “But nothing. There is nothing illegal happening in the video you’ve seen or on my website and if you think there is you can take it up with my lawyers.”  
   “You like being treated like that?” I can’t help the question and the disgust in my voice is audible.  
   “I do.” Rachel smirks and moves closer to me, seeming pleased when I become noticeably uncomfortable. “If you ever decide you want to try something... less vanilla than I’m sure you’re used to, we could have some fun... I’d even leave the cameras off.”  
   “That’s never going to happen.” I’ve regained composure and stare her down. Our would be victim seeming more predator than victim now.  
   “That’s a shame.” Rachel smiles, eyeing me up and down, a look I’ve received more than I’d like over the years, and then turns to Liv. “Can I go now?”  
   “You can.” Liv nods.  
   “You ok?” Rafael asks once Rachel’s gone. He sounds more concerned than our working relationship calls for, but given the circumstances no one seems to notice.  
   “Yes.” I nod, taking a seat at my desk so I don’t run to his arms like every fiber of my being wants to.  
   “Does anyone else feel like we might want to be looking into her?” Rollins asks.  
   “Find out whose name is on the lease to that apartment and run a background check.” Liv sighs, heading back into her office as the rest of us start looking into Rachel.  
   I glance up in time to see Rafael nod with his head toward the elevator as he makes his way to it. “I’ll be right back.” I tell Carisi, ignoring his question on where I’m going and exit the bullpen just in time to catch the elevator with Rafael.  
   “Are you really ok?”  
   “I am. She was just screwing with me after I questioned her lifestyle choices.” I shrug. I’m faking a lot of this. Rachel had really made me feel uneasy, but my job isn’t always about being comfortable.  
   “Still...” Rafael says, taking my hand in his.  
   “I’d prefer not to sleep alone tonight.” Something about the small contact we’ve made compels me to speak more honestly.  
   “We can sleep at my place or yours.” He smirks.  
   “Yours. It’s easier.” I smile, letting go of his hand as I follow him out of the elevator. We walk next to each other, both stopping at the coffee cart. I order a small plain coffee that I have no intention of drinking, it’s just my excuse for the quick departure. Rafael orders a coffee that he immediately takes a sip from, watching me walk back into the building before heading to his office.


	10. Chapter 10

 

   We’ve looked into Rachel, but we really haven’t found anything on her except that her name isn’t actually Rachel. It’s Abigail, Abigail Weeks and she comes from what appears to be a happy, stable home. Her mother, a teacher, and father, a pediatric surgeon, live upstate and seem to be well respected in their community. She does own the business she ‘stars’ in on her website and as far as we can see everything seems to be completely legal.  
   “So we’re letting this go?” Carisi asks as he plops down in his chair across from me. The smell of whatever is in the bag he’s carrying makes my stomach churn before he’s even opened it.  
   “There’s nothing illegal about what she’s doing... obscene, but not illegal.” Rafael states from where he stands somewhere between us and Liv’s office.  
   “Yeah, but...” Liv starts only to be interrupted by Rafael.  
   “I know you think she’s somehow a victim in this, but you may have to face facts that some people just have different preferences when it comes to sex.”  
   “That’s not a preference one just stumbles upon having...” Liv counters.  
   “Maybe not, but we have nothing to indicate anything happened to her and she was fairly adamant that she’s not a victim.” I interject because I really don’t want Rachel, Abigail... whatever her name is to come back. I’m really hoping we’ll let this go and move on. I’ve spoken while holding my nose because the smell of Carisi’s bagel is disgusting, the nasally sound has drawn everyone’s attention to me.  
   “What’s the matter with you?” Carisi asks.  
   “Could you have found a more foul smelling bagel?” I grumble.  
   “It’s not that bad.” Carisi mutters.  
   “It does smell pretty rank, what kind is it?” Rollins asks.  
   “Garlic and onion with cream cheese and lox.”  
   “Just do me a favor and throw the trash away somewhere far from my desk.” I stand and start to make my way out of the bullpen in search of fresh air... any air that doesn’t make me feel like I’m about to hurl.  
   “What, did that secret boyfriend of yours knock you up or something?” Carisi chuckles.  
   “Ha, real funny Carisi. Can someone text me when he’s through with his bagel?” I retaliate like an immature little sister because I don’t know how else to respond. Because in this moment I know he’s right... that that’s the only logical explanation for how I’ve been feeling and I’ve been too distracted by our disclosure to notice that I’m late. I don’t even have to look at my calendar... my cycle should have come and gone my now. I glance at Rafael who seems panicked, not quite the reaction I’d like to see but considering I’m panicking on the inside while trying not to let my coworkers read it on my face, I’ll cut him some slack.  
   I continue out of the bullpen, slipping into the open elevator as someone exits and ride it to the ground floor. I’m not even thinking at this point, just walking to the nearest bodega so that I can apparently stare at a shelf lined with pregnancy test. I have never in my life bought one of these before... Rafael’s the only person I’ve ever had unprotected sex with and that was just the one time... _I think..._ I’m seriously racking my brain for when we haven’t used a condom since. _Maybe one broke... Jesus, just pick a test... maybe the one with words?_ I take my selection to the counter, pay, and then leave. I’m standing on the corner, looking for a place that might have a decent enough bathroom closer to the precinct than my apartment... mostly because my keys are in my desk and there’s no way I’m taking the test at work.  
   There’s a coffee shop midway down the block I’m looking towards and I quickly make my way there. No one’s in the single stall restroom and thankfully the place is pretty quiet so I should be left alone. I read the directions and pee on the stick. Then proceed to pace the tiny bathroom while staring at the timer I’ve set on my phone in between glancing at the results window. It doesn’t even take the full time for the positive result to appear.  
   Vzzzzzt... “Where are you?” It’s Rafael and before I can even try to respond I’m bent over the toilet hurling up the contents of my breakfast.  
   “Great...” I mutter to myself, splashing water on my face and rinsing my mouth as best I can.  
   “Heading back to the precinct.” I text back, gathering myself enough to leave.  
   Vzzzzzt... “I’ll meet you out front.”  
   I walk quickly to meet Rafael, surprised that I’ve ventured less that two blocks since neither the bodega or coffee shop I’ve ever noticed before.  
   “Maeve.” Rafael calls from the corner so I join him.  
   “I don’t know how this happened, we only didn’t use protection that first time. Maybe one broke or...”  
   “And that time in my office...” He’s interrupted the rambling apology I was about to lead into.  
   “Oh yeah... That was fun, though.” I smile.  
   “Maybe too much fun.” He sighs.  
   I stand there, not saying anything while staring blankly at the ground in front me. I have no idea what to ask him... to say to him. Nothing seems appropriate. We’ve only been together for five months and now his child is growing inside me. _Did I seriously just fucking smile?_ I did smile... at the mere thought of carrying his unborn baby.  
   “How do you feel about this?” _This?_ I can smile about it, yet I can’t bring myself to actually say it out loud. _Pathetic..._  
   “I need some time to process it.” Rafael says, seemingly staring off at nothing as well.  
   “Oh... Ok.” I back up from him realizing for the first time how much he could really hurt me. I feel the tears burning the corners of my eyes but I try to brush it off. _I should have known... I should have been more cautious... I’m always cautious and now..._  
   “I didn’t mean without you. I just meant it’s an adjustment. I’m kind of accustomed to my life the way it is. This clearly changes that... I need to process it. I’m sure you need time to process it too.” He’s taken my hand in his and pulled me back the step I’ve taken.  
   “I do.” I nod, resting my head on his chest as he hugs me.  
   “Come to my place after work?”  
   I nod again, wrapping my arms around him as he kisses the top of my head.  
   “We should probably get back to work.” He sighs.  
   “Probably...” I reluctantly let go of him and make my way back inside the precinct.

   “I threw my bag in the men’s bathroom trash so hopefully it’s in a place you wont be able to smell it.” Carisi grumbles when I sit back down.  
   “I appreciate that.” I smile. “What did Liv decide to do about Rachel?”  
   “We’re dropping it.”  
   “Good.” A wave of relief washes over me.  
   “I kind of figured you’d take Liv’s side over Barba’s.”  
   “I didn’t pick a side, I just don’t think we should spend our energy on someone who doesn’t think of themselves as a victim.” I shrug.  
   “Not all victims know they’re victims.” Liv says from behind me.  
   “Yes, but she may actually like what she does... she sure seemed to.” I huff.  
   “You still have a few things to learn about SVU.” Liv smiles and starts for her office.  
   “Wait, does that mean we aren’t dropping it?” I call after her.  
   “No we are unless an actual complaint is filed.” Liv says without even turning around.  
   I half expected her to call me in her office to ask if I was pregnant. I saw the face she made when she glance between me and Rafael after Carisi made his little comment. Thankfully she seems to be leaving it alone... at least for now. I wouldn’t be telling anyone yet even if I had known... I haven’t even been to a doctor. _I don’t even have a doctor..._  
   I turn my attention to my phone, acutely aware of the proximity of those around me as I research Obstetricians, making note of the number of one with decent reviews so that I can call on my lunch break.

   “I could have taken the train.” I smile when he opens the door for me.  
   “You could have, but then I’d have to worry more than just you making it here safely.” Rafael sent a car for me since I only drive while on duty and it’s not technically my car. That and I’ve really decided I hate parking in this city.  
   “Have you panicked yet?” I ask, because I have... multiple times today.  
   “A little,” he smirks, “but we’ll figure it out. Have you?”  
   I snort out a laugh. “Too many times to count.”  
   “So let’s talk it out, maybe settle some of those concerns...”  
   “Ok... Where will we live, because my place is too small for me much less me and a baby. Is it too soon to move in together? Is it too soon for any of this? Do you even want kids? We never got to talk about that... I’m not even sure I wanted kids. When do I tell my parents? When do we tell the people at work? How do I hide my exhaustion and nausea? Speaking of how I’ve been feeling, why is your spawn so draining?”  
   Rafael chuckles and forces me to sit. “Maybe we take it one question at a time. You can move in here if you want, you’re here half the time anyway. You’re right about having to find a bigger place so we may as well try living together. It wouldn’t be fair for you to have to deal with all the late nights alone.”  
   “Where would the baby go?”  
   “I have that guest room, right next to the master. It’s never been used.”  
   “Never?”  
   “Not once in ten years.” He assures me.  
   “Did you want kids?”  
   “Honestly, they were never something I gave much thought to. I wasn’t adamant about not having them if that helps.”  
   “I guess that’s similar to how I felt... now it’s different though.” I sigh.  
   “Different?”  
   “Now that I know a tiny human is growing inside me, I’m kind of excited.” I smile.  
   “Kind of.” He smirks.  
   “You’re taking this better than I thought you would.”  
   Rafael exhales a chuckle and shakes his head. “I’ll let you decide when to tell your parents. I think it’s customary to wait until after the first trimester to tell other people like those we work with.”  
   “Are you ok with that?”  
   “I always knew they’d find out eventually.” He shrugs.  
   “We can wait until I start to show to tell everyone except Liv. I’m pretty sure she already assumes, but we can tell her after the doctor confirms everything.”  
   “You’ve made an appointment?”  
   “Next Thursday at three.”  
   “I’ll check my schedule and go with you if I can.” He rest his arm across my shoulders and pulls me closer. “You can ask why carrying my offspring, in particular, is so taxing.”  
   “You think you’re cute.” I chuckle.  
   “I know I’m cute.”  
   “Whatever Barba.” I smile, leaning into him.  
   “Are you hungry?” He asks.  
   “I could eat. Pizza maybe, no... mashed potatoes or roasted potatoes... a baked potato?”  
   “This’ll be fun.” He chuckles.  
   “We can do pizza.”  
   “Nope. I’m taking you out so you can order every kind of potato the restaurant happens to serve.”  
   “They just sound really good.” I mutter.  
   “I can tell.” Rafael smirks, pulling me back to my feet and out his front door.

   “How do you feel?”   
   We’re in his room, both of us pretty much ready for bed. My makeup is removed, teeth brushed, hair pulled over one shoulder, pajamas are on... “Ok I guess.”  
   Rafael furrows his brow and moves closer to me. “Just ok? I thought it was kind of excited earlier.”  
   “I just... what if I’m too selfish to be a mom?”  
   “What do you mean?”  
   “Not really anything in particular. I just like the freedom of coming and going when I please, not really having to worry about anyone else.” I sigh.  
   “You don’t worry about me?” He smirks.  
   “You can feed and bathe yourself, use the restroom on your own... walk.” I chuckle. “I meant someone completely dependent on me. I’ve never really been around children...”  
   “We still have options...” He’s barely whispered this.  
   I take his hands in mine and make eye contact. “I don’t... I would forever wonder whether it was a boy or girl... what they would have looked like, what kind of person they would have grown into... I’m pro choice because it’s not my decision to make for someone else, but this... this is my choice... our choice... maybe more mine than ours, because I would make it regardless of what you would prefer... I can’t not have our baby.”  
   “I want our baby too.” He breathes pressing his forehead to mine. “I love you.”  
   “Still?” I chuckle.  
   “Why would I suddenly stop?”  
   “I just... it’s... I...” I have no idea what I’m trying to say. I’m plagued with self doubt, which is somewhat ironic considering most people think my looks give me confidence. In reality they’ve always hedged my accomplishments, someone always making a statement tying them together, making me feel like the work I put in didn’t actually matter.  
   “Maeve...”  
   “I love you too.” I smile softly, pulling his lips to mine, refusing to let the doubts fill my head.  
   “I’m scared too...” he says, slowly walking me backwards toward his bed, “my father didn’t exactly set a great example, but I know I’m a better man than he was. I haven’t spent a lot of time around kids either... The first time Liv handed me Noah I held him at arms length like I was afraid he’d get something sticky on my suit.” He chuckles at the memory. “My point is we both have a learning curve, but we’ll figure it out.”  
   “I know.”  
   “You do?” He smiles.  
   “I do.” I reply, playfully rolling my eyes.  
   “Good.” He smirks and kisses me again.  
   The few articles of clothing between the two of us find their way to the floor and we crawl in bed. Rafael’s body pressed intently against mine, his tongue finds mine as I moan into our kiss. I can feel him harden between us, his knees spreading mine while his hand move to line us up.  
   “Raf.” I exhale as he eases in.  
   “Yes?”  
   “Should we use a condom?” I breathe.  
   “I pretty sure I can’t knock you up twice.” He chuckles as he bottoms out. “We can if you want though.”  
   “I just... you don’t have anything do you?” I’m staring up at him relieved to see that he seems amused and not insulted.  
   “I like how you’re concerned now, but weren’t when you didn’t even know my name after we left the bar.” He smirks.  
   “I wasn’t exactly thinking straight that night.”  
   “I have that much of an effect on you?” Rafael looks extremely pleased with himself and it kind of makes me want to smack him. “I was tested after my last girlfriend cheated on me. You’re the only one I’ve been with since.”  
   “Oh, ok.”  
   “Does that mean you want me to get one or not?”  
   “We should be good then.” I smile pulling him to my lips as he begins to thrust into me


	11. Chapter 11

 

   I’ve researched ways to keep my morning sickness to a minimum in hopes that no one will notice at work. I’ve filled one of my desk drawers with light snacks that I can easily grab without making it obvious I’m eating something in an effort to keep my stomach from being empty. This seems to be working, but it’s only been a few days. Carisi has brought in a blueberry muffin everyday since the bagel incident, and it’s having the opposite effect. I really want one now... I’m serious too. If he leaves it unattended on his desk it may disappear.  
   “There something wrong with my muffin too?”  
    _I_ _am_ _literally_ _staring_ _at_ _it_... “No... sorry, just didn’t eat breakfast this morning.” _That’s a lie..._ Rafael made me toast and eggs this morning, scrambled... a runny yolk makes me gag right now, normally over easy is my preferred way to eat eggs, with avocado on top of sourdough toast... and now I feel sick again.  
   “Go get one. I pick this up from that coffee cart right outside.” He says, before taking another bite.  
   I notice Liv enter the bullpen, making her way to her office. “Maybe in a minute.” I smile, getting up and following her.  
   “Hey Liv, you got a second?” I ask when we get to her door.  
   “Sure, come in.”  
   I follow her in and shut the door behind me, pausing a moment as she settles in for the morning. “What did you need?”  
   “Oh... um... yeah... I have a doctors appointment at three. I just wanted to let you know I’ll be unavailable for a bit.” I smile.  
   “Ok. Should I leave Barba alone then as well?” Liv asks biting back a smile, but not looking up from the papers she’s going through on her desk.  
   “I’d appreciate it.” I stifle a chuckle... both of us know she knows, but neither of us will actually say anything.  
   “Let me know how it goes?” She says looking up at me.  
   “That’s the plan.” I smile, turning to leave.  
   I bypass my desk and head straight for the elevator, that stupid muffin calling my name and now that I know where to get one I can stop eying Carisi’s.    
   “Where are you going in such a hurry?” Nick chuckles as I almost run into him when he exists the elevator.  
   “Grabbing a muffin, you want anything?”  
   “I’m good.”  
   “Suit yourself.” I smile as the elevator doors close.

   I am happily eating my muffin when my phone bings.  
   “I can pick you up at two. Should give us plenty of time to get there and fill out any paperwork.”  
   Rafael hadn’t been an hundred percent sure he could make it, but I guess he managed to clear his schedule.  
   “Great. Just text me when you’re out front.” I grin as I press send. I hadn’t realized how much I wanted him there.  
   “You’re boyfriend again?” Carisi teases.  
   “Yep, the one who knocked me up.” I say sarcastically. _Is it still a lie if it’s the truth, but you’re making it seem like it’s not?_  
   “I didn’t actually mean that...” Carisi mutters.  
   “I’m just giving you shit Carisi.” I smile.  
   Carisi smiles back and we move onto other topics. This may be my favorite thing about him... he doesn’t seem to get stuck on little things. He might bite back in the moment, but he’s quick to move on.  
   “We’ve got a victim at Bellevue,” Liv announces, “she was found unconscious in the park. Maeve, you can join me to interview our victim. Fin, you’re with Nick today. Check out the location in the park she was found.”  
   It’s still early, not even ten yet, so I know Liv’s plan is to keep my afternoon open, without announcing that I have an appointment. This frees everyone else up to follow any leads we my find and those typically take longer than initially interviewing the victim.

   “What time do you need to leave for your appointment?” She asks once we get in the car.  
   “Rafael’s picking me up at two.”  
   “Ok.” I swear I see her smile, but it’s fleeting and I can’t be sure.  
   “How long have you known him?”  
   “A few years, why?” Liv replies.  
   “He’s as good a man as I think he is... right? I mean... I haven’t exactly known him that long... God, that sounds like I’m having doubts and that’s not what this is... I guess I just want someone who’s known him longer to verify what I think I know.” I’m rambling, because she’s sitting there quietly letting me ramble... _she seems amused too._  
   “I’d say he’s a better man than you think he is. He grows a little more with each case he works with us and the fact that he can adapt and change... he’s only going to become more meritorious as the years go on.” Liv smiles.  
   “I didn’t step on any toes here, did I?” I asks this because I know they’re close.  
   “No.” She actually chuckles at this. “We’re friends, nothing more. I’m actually in a relationship.”  
   “Oh...” I didn’t mean to sound as shocked as I did, but thankfully Liv laughs.  
   “I also like to keep my personal life private.”

 _My God... she can’t be more than ten..._ I feel my stomach drop as we enter the hospital room.  
   “Hi sweetheart, I’m Olivia, this is Maeve, we’re police officers. Can you tell us you’re name?” Liv says, squatting close to the bed.  
   “Kennedy.” The girl replies.  
   “What’s your last name?” Liv asks.  
   “O’Shea.”  
   “Ok, Kennedy... Do you remember what happened to you?”  
   “I was walking home from school and someone grabbed me and pulled me in a van. Something covered my head after that and I felt the van moving. I couldn’t see anything, but I felt...”   
   She starts to cry and Liv tells her to take her time and asks if she knows a number so we can reach her parents. I jot it down and step out of the room to call as Liv helps her get through the rest of what happened to her. I know it’s my job to listen to these stories... to help our victims, but this one I’m relieved to be hearing second hand.  
   I dial the number and it’s almost immediately answered.  
   “Kennedy?” A mans voice says on the other end, sounding desperate.  
   “Mr. O’Shea?”  
   “Yes.”  
   “I’m Detective Walsh...”  
   “Oh my God...” I hear a woman moan in the background.  
   “Did you find Kennedy?” Mr. O’Shea asks.  
   “We did, she’s at Bellevue...”  
   “What happened? Is she alive?”  
   “She’s alive. She’ currently talking with my Lieutenant about what happened. Why don’t you come to the hospital and we can talk once you get here.” I suggest, even the little I do know is not something you want to disclose over the phone.  
   “Did you call my parents?” Kennedy asks when I enter the room again.  
   “I did, they’re on their way now.” I nod, smiling reassuringly.  
   “I really want my mom.” Kennedy sobs, pulling the covers tighter.  
   “They’ll be here soon.” Liv smiles.

   I’m pacing in the hall, leaving Liv to sit with Kennedy. I knew this kind of case was a possibility when I filled out the transfer request. I knew it would be hard. I just thought I’d handle it better. The extra hormones running through my system probably aren’t helping things either.  
   “Detective?” A nurse calls from the nurses station down the short hallway from me.  
   I glance up and stop walking, noticing she has a man and woman with her that I assume are Kennedy’s parents.  
   “Mr. and Mrs. O’Shea?” I asks as they get closer, pushing my own feeling aside to deal with theirs.  
   “Where is she?” Mrs. O’Shea blurts though tears.  
   “This way.” I motion them toward Kennedy’s room and rap lightly on the door before entering.  
   “Kennedy!” Her mother exclaims making her way to Kennedy’s side and wrapping her arms around her.  
   “Mommy.”  
   “What happened?” Mr. O’Shea asks and I’m thankful that Liv has taken over.  
   I’m not quite sure how she does this part. Adults are different... I’m not minimizing their trauma... it’s just... she’s a little girl.  
   “Detective Walsh?” Liv has called my name like it’s not the first time she’s said it.  
   I startle slightly before responding. “Sorry. Yes?”  
   “Can you get the nurse. They’ve agreed to an exam.” Liv states.  
   I nod and exit the room thankful to not be in there anymore and make my way to the nurses station.  
   “The parents have agree to an exam.” I tell the nurse we’ve been speaking with.  
   “I’ll get the SANE nurse called up immediately.” She nods.  
   “Thanks... Is there a bathroom nearby?”  
   “Just down the hall.” She points in a direction away from Kennedy’s room and I quickly make my way there.  
   Once hidden, I lean against the door panting. It feels like I can’t catch my breath and my chest is tight so I force myself to slow my breathing, taking control of it. I finally get it leveled out and move to lean against the sink, splashing water on my face. For some reason this helps and I take a deep breath before walking back to Kennedy’s room.

   “You ok?” Liv asks as we drive back to the precinct.  
   “Is it ok to say I’m not sure?”  
   “It is.” She smiles. “Kids are the hardest. I’d like to say it gets easier, but it doesn’t. You do learn how to manage it though. That makes talking with them and their families easier.”  
   “I’ve never had a case involving a kid... at least not a live one. We had a girl go missing once. I worked that case, but her body was found on a small beach next to a light house. There was no foul play, an unfortunate accident. She had been playing on the rocks and fell, her family thought she wandered off. That’s the only case I’ve ever worked involving a child... and that was bad enough. This... this is somehow worse.” I sigh.  
   Liv is quiet and I wonder if she’s second guessing me working in her department. _Maybe I’m just second guessing myself..._  
   “If it didn’t get to you, I’d be concerned. It’s up to you to decide how much you can handle.” Liv says.

   Everyone is doing what they can to identify our suspects. Rollins and I are looking through street camera footage from Kennedy’s walk home yesterday. We’ve assumed there’s more than one suspect since Kennedy thought the car was moving when she was first assaulted. _First assaulted..._ My stomach turns and I focus on my breathing and the footage I’m sifting through.  
   Vzzzzzt...   
_Shit it’s two already._ I glance at my phone and Rafael’s text letting me know he’s out front.  
   “Maeve?” Liv’s called me from where she’s working on something with Fin.  
   “Yeah?”  
   “It’s two.”  
   “Yeah... Ok.” I’m not really sure how to respond to me leaving being so publicly announced. I was hoping to just kind of sneak out.  
   “Nick, take over the street footage for her while she finalizes a few things with IAB.” Liv states. _At least we’ll have our stories straight..._  
   “Sure.” Nick says. “Everything good?”  
   “Yep, just paperwork stuff.” I smile, glancing at Liv who gives me a little nod.

   I check in and the lady behind the reception desk tells me to ‘leave a sample’ and hands me a clipboard.  
   “Where’s the restroom?” I asks. She’s not exactly friendly, but she’ll have to get over it because I’ve never been to this office before. The doctor better be friendlier or I will be finding a different one.  
   I hand Rafael the paperwork and head to the restroom to ‘leave my sample’ which I assume means peeing in a cup.  
   “I filled out the portion pertaining to the fathers family history.” Rafael says handing the clipboard back to me as I take the seat next to him.  
   “You’re fairly helpful.” I smirk.  
   “I would have filled out more, but after your first and last name I couldn’t answer anything else.” He chuckles.  
   “Let’s see then... Middle initial, E.”  
   “E?”  
   “Emerson. It’s my mother’s maiden name.” I shrug. “Date of birth, October twenty seventh... why are you laughing?”  
   “It’s nice to know we both didn’t mention our birthdays.” He grins.  
   “We had just started dating, birthdays are too much pressure that soon. When was yours?”  
   “October twenty fourth.”  
   “Only a few days apart.” I smile.  
   “Plus a few years.” He smirks.  
   I shake my head and return my attention to the forms. “Date of last menstrual cycle...”  
   “You know I can just read over your shoulder as you fill it out.” Rafael chuckles.  
   “Fine.” I smirk, continuing to fill out the forms as he watches.

   I’m not sure what I expected, but I know it wasn’t a full exam while Rafael sat in a chair not far from the table. It wasn’t as awkward as I originally thought it would be when I first realized what was going to happen. I’ve purposely chosen a woman because I’m more comfortable with a female examining me. Dr. Campbell is nice, very patient with my and Rafael’s questions... I really shouldn’t have been surprised when he started asking his.  
   She pulls up the ultrasound scan showing us the tiny fluttering dot on the screen, then turns the volume up.  
   “That’s your baby.” Dr. Campbell says.  
   “Jesus...” Rafael exhales.  
   “It somehow feels more real now.” I add, barely above a whisper myself.  
   Dr. Campbell takes a few measurements on the screen and jots down a few notes. “Based on the current size and the date of your last period, I’d estimate your due date around October seventeenth.”  
   “October is going to be a busy month.” I smile.  
   Both Rafael and I chuckle and Dr. Campbell gives us a curious look.  
   “It’s the month of both our birthdays as well.” Rafael states.  
   “Very busy then.” Dr. Campbell smiles. “I need you to give a blood sample for genetic testing, the lab is right before reception. I’ll see you back here in two weeks.” She hands me the lab paperwork and exits.

   “You still feeling ok?” I ask as we ride back to the precinct.  
   “I am.” Rafael says, pulling me closer by the arm draped over my shoulders. “You?”  
   “I am.” I smile.  
   “Are you sure you have to go back to work?”  
   “Yes, we’ve got a case.” I sigh.  
   “Liv hasn’t called.”  
   “I don’t think we’re quite ready for you yet.”  
   “Did anyone notice you were leaving?”  
   “Everyone. Liv told them I was signing paperwork with IAB, just finalizing the ‘issue’ with my transfer.” I chuckle.  
   “I’m an issue now?” He smirks.  
   “Yep.” I smile, giving him a quick kiss.  
   “So Liv knows?”  
   “I told her I had a doctors appointment and she assumed, though she hasn’t flat out asks or said anything. I’m planning on confirming it for her when I get back.”  
   “That’s probably a good idea. Do you want me to come up with you?”  
   “No,” I chuckle, “that would lead to too many questions and I kind of want to see if Nick and Carisi can figure out who I’m dating before I start to show. Telling Liv won’t be hard, I mean she already knows.”


	12. Chapter 12

 

    _I hate this case. I really, really hate it._ We’ve located the van’s license plate on a bodega’s security footage, but of course the plates are stolen so we’re running the van make and model to see if we get a hit on it. It’s been a week and we have nothing more than this to go on. Kennedy can’t give us details because she never saw them. We do have two different DNA samples from under her fingernails where she scratched them. The DNA itself suggest our suspects are closely related, most likely brothers.  
   “I may have something.” Carisi says, pulling everyone’s attention to him as he places a mugshot on the board. “Kyle Wilson. He owns one of those food delivery services, owns a van just like the one we’re looking for.”  
   “Does he have a brother?” Rollins asks.  
   “No, but he has two cousins that check every box on the creepy perv list.”  
   “What was he arrested for?” I asks.  
   “It’s a minor drug charge. His cousins are who really caught my eye, Joey and Johnny Wilson. They have a long wrap sheet from arson, peeping in windows... the older one, Joey spent time in juvie for trapping one of his younger classmates in the girls bathroom. The details of that particular case are sealed though.” Carisi said.  
   “I’ll call Barba, see if we can get them unsealed. Nick, you and Maeve go talked to Kyle.” Liv states and Nick and I quickly head out.

   The address we have for Kyle’s business leads us to a sterile looking small office. There’s a girl sitting behind a small reception area answering phones. She multitask very efficiently, having one customer hold while she answers the next call, dealing with the complaint effectively before returning to the first customers to take their order, typing the information in the computer.  
   “Hi, can I help you?” She asks, turning her attention to us once she’s finished the order.  
   “I thought most of that was done online now?” Nick smiles, referencing the order she had just taken.  
   “It is, I mostly deal with complaints, but we still have a few people call in.” She smiled.  
   “I’m Detective Amaro and this is Detective Walsh, is Kyle Wilson around?”  
   “Yeah, he’s in his office.” She points to a door just passed her desk.  
   “Thanks.” Nick smiles.   
   We knock on the door.  
   “Come in.” Kyle calls.  
   “Kyle Wilson?” Nick asks when we enter.  
   Nick introduces us and he gestures for us to have a seat.  
   “Do you own a white van?” I ask.  
   “I do, for catering type deliveries. It has a fridge and warming area in the back to keep the food at optimal temperatures.” Kyle smiles.  
   “Can we see it?” Nick asks.   
   We have a decent still image of the van showing a collection of stickers on the back and are hoping to use that to identify whether he is in fact the owner of the van we’re looking for.  
   “I don’t see why not, but can I ask why you’re interested in my van?” Kyle asks.  
   “It may have been involved in a crime last week.” Nick states.  
   “I’ll kill them.” Kyle grumbles, standing to show us to the van.  
   “Kill who?” I question.  
   “My dimwitted cousins. Did they rob someone?” He asks.  
   “Not exactly.” Nick says, both of us seeing the stickers the moment Kyle opens the door leading to the small parking area behind his office. “That’s definitely our van. Do you mind if we have our crime scene unit collect evidence from it?”  
   “Do whatever you need to. Those two have cause enough trouble.”  
   “It may take some time before we get the van back to you.” I tell him as Nick calls CSU.  
   “That’s ok. I don’t have any big catering deliveries scheduled in the next few weeks. I can tell you they borrowed the van a few times last week, said they were helping to move a friend. I made them log it out so I could keep track of miles and gas... I should have known better...”  
   “I’m going to need a copy of those logs.” I smile.  
   “No problem.” Kyle sighs.

   When we return to the precinct everyone’s busy trying to get as much as they can on Joey and Johnny. Barba’s on the phone trying to get the juvie record unsealed and Rollins is on the phone with CSU who apparently has just started processing the van.  
   “The two brothers definitely had the van during the assault.” Nick says handing the logs Kyle gave us to Liv.  
   “Kyle even has security footage of them taking and retuning the van each time they borrowed it.” I add  
   “CSU found Kennedy’s backpack shoved under one of the seats.” Rollins says  
   “Well that’s nicely gift wrapped for us.” Barba grumbles.  
   “Sometimes things just work out.” I smile.  
   “You’re an optimist.” He smirks, but it’s not his annoyed smirk... it’s his playful smirk... the one he does when he’s amused. _Is he flirting with me..._  
   “Is that a bad thing?” I counter, continuing with his playful tone. We hardly talk at work... much less banter like we’re comfortable with each other.  
   “No, I just didn’t think they existed anymore.” He smiles, even his eyes crinkle.  
_He is flirting with me._ I really want to counter with ‘you know deep down you’re more of an optimist than I am’ ... because I honestly believe that he is, but I can’t say that. That would imply too much familiarity, so I smile and shake my head instead.  
   Carisi on the other hand has no problem saying whatever pops in his head. “Careful, Counselor... she’s off the market.”  
   I laugh. Liv laughs. Barba doesn’t. He gives Carisi and unamused look.  
   “Carisi. Rollins. Pick up Joey and Johnny.” Liv says still chuckling slightly as she makes her way back to her office.

   The two brothers lawyered up as soon as Carisi and Rollins brought them in, but Rafael has managed to get Joey’s juvie record unsealed for us. It paints a very clear and unsettling pattern of behavior... _I really hate this case..._  
   “When is their lawyer supposed to be here?” Barba grumbles after an hour of waiting.  
   “I’ll check.” Liv says, disappearing to the holding area only to return a moment later. “Joey said he called his cousin, Kyle, and to ask him.”  
   “Still optimistic?” Barba smirks at me.  
   I roll my eyes and call the number we have for Kyle.  
   “He said they called but he didn't agree to get them a lawyer.” I say once I’ve hung up the phone.  
   “I’ll let them know.” Liv sighs before disappearing again.  
   “I really think he doesn’t want anything to do with them.” I add, glancing at Barba.  
   “I kinda agree... Joey was in the car when Kyle was arrested for that drug charge. I bet it wasn’t even his, he was just trying to help his cousin out. There’s only so many times you can cover for people, you know...” Rollins says. It seems there’s something more to her statement, but I really don’t much about her personal life so I can’t be sure.  
   “They asked if I knew of a good one.” Liv said rolling her eyes when she returned to the bullpen.  
   “Lets just hope their court appointed attorney is as bright as they are.” Barba said dryly, pulling out his phone to make the call.

   “CSU reports done.” Fin says, handing it to Liv.   
   She flips through it and hands it to Barba.  
   “Maybe things do work out...” He smiles, handing the report to me.  
   Forensics put Kennedy in the van along with DNA matching both samples pulled from under her fingernails. “Does this mean you might not have to take it to trial?”  
   “You underestimate me if you think I’m even considering a trial at this point.” Barba smirks and I resist the urge to smile. It’s strange how different he can be at work and outside of work and yet I’m completely attracted to both versions of him... I have to admit though, this assertive, almost arrogant version at work makes me wish I had my own office. Ok, so I probably wouldn’t do anything in the middle of the work day, with everyone in the bullpen... I’m just saying his confidence right now has me a little turned on. _Maybe more than a little..._  
   “Care to share?” Barba smirks and I realize I’ve zoned out for a minute as my mind thinks about a few things I’d like him to do to me when we get to his place later.  
   I smile and shake my head. “Just thinking about what I want to do after work.”  
   “Maybe if this goes well we can leave early.” Carisi interjects.  
   “Doubtful.” Rollins mutters.   
   None of them notice the smile Rafael gives me, or the brief blush that crosses my face at the thoughts I’ve had in the middle of the bullpen... surrounded by coworkers... the man I’m thinking about less than three feet from me. _This is just one of the reasons these kind of relationships are frowned upon..._ This thought makes me bite back a chuckle and force myself to focus on work again... the details of our case quickly bringing me back to reality.

   Rafael’s gone back at his office to compile the paperwork for the judge who will be sentencing the brothers. The deal had taken less than twenty minutes to work out and Joey and Johnny were on their way to Rikers. The rest of us left to finalize our paperwork.  
   Carisi files his first and returns to his desk across from me, tossing a ball in the air over and over again. “You’re boyfriend, he work in Manhattan?”  
   “Yes.” I reply still mostly focused on finishing my work.  
   “Does he live in Manhattan?”  
   “No.”  
   “Interesting...” Carisi muses.  
   I roll my eyes when I notice Nick return to his desk from filing his paperwork and add that information to their ‘Who is Maeve Dating?’ board.  
   “Where does he live?” Nick asks.  
   “Brooklyn.” I really don’t see how that could help them.  
   “Do we know him?” Rollins asks.  
   “I’m kind of trying to finish my paperwork.” I deflect... _there’s no way I’m answering that question._  
   They leave me alone as I finish, lulling me into a false sense of security that they’ve moved on, but as soon as I return to my desk, clearly finished Carisi starts back up.  
   “So if he’s a public figure could we have possibly seen him on television before...”  
   “I guess.” I shrug.  
   “He a local news anchor?” Nick asks.  
   “I already told you he’s not famous.” I mutter.  
   “I’m not sure I’d consider that famous, but that’s also not what you said, you said he wasn’t an actor.”  
   “Whatever...” I grumble and Nick chuckles.  
   “A judge?” Carisi asks.  
   “When was the last time you saw a judge on television?” Rollins counters.  
   “So, not a judge?” Carisi looks to me and I chuckle and shake my head no.  
   “Has he always lived in New York?” Fin questions, clearly finished with his paperwork now as well.  
   “With the exception of college a....” I reply, without really thinking, but stop myself before I add law school.  
   “Where’d he go to college?” Rollins asks.  
   “Uh... I actually don’t know, just that it wasn’t in New York.” I’ve never thought to ask and it’s never been randomly mentioned at work at least not in my presence. _Do they know where Rafael went to college?_ That doesn’t really matter, I mean I can ask him tonight if I want... I really should stop answering their questions.  
   “What does he do?” Nick asks.  
   “I’m not making it that easy.” I grin and pull my phone out to text Rafael and ask if he wants to eat out or bring something back to his place.  
   Vzzzzt... “So foods what you were thinking about earlier?”  
   “Wouldn’t you like to know.” I chuckle and press send.  
   Vzzzzt... “What do you want to do? You’re the one with the potato cravings.”  
   “I could really go for a large baked potato...”  
   Vzzzzt... “I know just the place. I’ll pick you up from your place at six.”

   Rafael has dragged me to a food truck in Midtown that sells giant baked potatoes that you can top however you like. I can’t explain how excited I am right now. It’s irrational. It’s just food... but it’s exactly what I want.  
   “You look giddy.” Rafael teases.  
   “You have no idea how ridiculously happy this has made me.” I laugh.  
   “What are you getting on it?”  
   “Cheese, baked beans, BBQ sauce... do you think they can put sour cream on the side?”  
   “I’m sure they can.” He chuckles. “Any meat?”  
   “No... I might add corn though...haven’t decided.”  
   “Maybe they can put that on the side too.” He chuckles.

   Once we have our food, Rafael’s car takes us back to his place and I barely set my bag down before I dig into my potato.  
   “When do you want to move in?” He asks.  
   “I don’t know...” I really don’t know how to answer this question. He mentioned living together that first day we found out I was pregnant, but it hasn’t been mentioned since.  
   “Sorry, I didn’t mean to just blurt that... we just haven’t really talked about it since the initial conversation.”  
   “When do you think we should take that step?” I’m deflecting the answer to him... _Chicken..._  
   “I’d like to get accustomed to living together before the baby comes...”  
   “That makes sense, and we need to set up the nursery...”  
   “And figure out everything we need.”  
   “Maybe we should get a book?” I’m thinking out loud, we both are.  
   “A baby book?”  
   “Yes.” I nod.  
   “That would be helpful...”  
   “I’ll start packing next month.”  
   “Why next month?” Rafael asks.  
   “It gets us passed the first trimester and seems less impulsive than saying this weekend.” I chuckle.  
   “Next month then.” He smiles.  
   “Where’d you go to college?”  
   “That’s random.” He laughs.  
   “Rollins asked during their game of twenty questions on who I’m dating. I realized all that I knew was it was out of state, now I’m curious.” I shrug.  
   “Harvard.”  
   “I’m surprised you don’t mention that more.”  
   “You clearly don’t spent enough time with me.” He smirks.  
   “Not nearly enough...” I smile, closing my food container.  
   “You’re through eating?”  
   “For now.” I close his as well and take them both to the fridge.  
   “The Harvard thing turned you on? It has that effect.” He grins.  
   “Whatever, I’ve been turned on since you blatantly flirted with me at the precinct.” I chuckle. “If I eat anymore right now, I’ll fall happily into a food coma and I have other things in mind.”  
   “I’m pretty sure you got turned on when I told you not to underestimate me.” Rafael smirks, letting me drag him up the spiral staircase toward his bedroom.  
   “Does the exact moment really matter?” I ask, turning to face him, my fingers unbuttoning his shirt.  
   “Yes.” He smirks, pressing his lips to mine, his hands working to remove my clothes.

   He climbs on top of me, both of us without a stitch of clothing, bodies pressing against one another, tongues colliding together, hands gripping each other. I spread to give him access, but he doesn’t take it, instead he moves his kisses down my neck to my breast, continuing south.  
   “Rafael.” I pant, gripping his hair.  
   “Uh hmm...” He murmurs, trailing kisses down my stomach.  
   “Can we skip the foreplay, just for tonight.”  
   This causes him to pause and look up at me.  
   “I thought you liked the foreplay?”  
   “Believe me I do,” I smile, “I just want to feel close to you right now.”  
   “Closer than this?” He smirks.  
   “Yes.”  
   He looks amused, but humors me, crawling back up so we’re face to face. “This close enough?”  
   “Almost.”   
   He shifts slightly and I feel him pressing at my entrance. “How about now?”  
   I roll my eyes and smile, lifting my hips pushing him into me. “That close.” I breathe, not breaking eye contact with him.  
   “I can handle that.” His voice cracks and I take a small amount of pride in that.  
   Rafael kisses me and begins to push into me, gently at first, gradually building in intensity. His hand is cupping my cheek, my arms stretched up his back gripping his shoulders. My breath hitches and my head tilts back, our lips breaking contact.  
   “Don’t stop.” I pant.  
   My hips meet him, matching each thrust.  
   “Never stop...” If I could bottle this feeling I would. _No... no I wouldn’t._ I wouldn’t want to feel this way without him. I’m not even sure it’s the sex... it’s more than that.  
   “Never?” “I’ve noticed his smirk, but choose to ignore it. Right now he can be as smug as he wants.  
   He’s making long strokes, in and out... not rushing his own gratification. I reach my hand up, fingers running through his hair as my thumb lightly grazes his cheek, both of us staring at the other, his hand mirroring mine.  
   “Fuck Raf.” I groan arching back against the bed, my grip tightening on his hair. He doesn’t relent though continuing the same angle and speed as before. I buckle forward and his lips vehemently press against mine forcing me back against his bed. His pace picks up. I’m pretty sure my nails are digging into his shoulder but he doesn’t seem to care. The sounds I’m emitting are incoherent... I still don’t want this to end. _I’m not sure I’ll ever get enough of him. _My body shudders beneath him, squeezing tightly against his invading appendage as he steadily thrust into me. He pushes in hard, both hands firmly gripping my face as his tongue collides with mine again, holding himself completely sheathed as his hips twitch forward.__  
   “¿Qué me has hecho? (What have to done to me?)” He hums against my ear as we both catch our breath.  
   “If you want me to actually respond to what you’re saying you’ll have to use English?” I half chuckle half pant.  
   “No requiere respuesta. Eres mi todo. Vosotros dos. (No response required. You are my everything. Both of you.)”  
   “I guess I’m not responding.” I chuckle holding eye contact with him.  
   “I love you.” He smiles.  
   “It’s so much shorter in English,” I grin and he rolls his eyes, “I love you too, more than I thought it was possible to love someone.”  
   Rafael smiles and lays next to me, pulling me into his arms. We stay like that, cuddled against one another in silence for a while. My head resting against his chest, my body safely cradled in his arm. Neither of us feeling the need to speak.  
   I notice my stomach growling and realize I’m hungry again, and while I’d love to stay where I am I’d also like to avoid feeling sick or worse actually getting sick. I pull up to give him a quick kiss and climb out of bed,  
   “Where are you going?” He asks as I slip on the pajama shorts and shirt I like to lounge around his place in.  
   “To finish my potato.” I smile, slipping out the bedroom door.  
   “Warm mine up too, I’ll join you.” He calls as I make my way downstairs.


	13. Chapter 13

 

   Nick and I volunteered to pick up the lunch order the squad has placed. It’s another slow day, but after the last case I’ll take slow. Nick’s driving. I’m zoned a bit, my gaze out the window while Rafael’s voice rolls around my head. _Eres mi todo, vosotros dos..._ I’m not even sure I’m remembering it correctly because I have no idea what it means, but his voice feels clear in my head.    
   “You’re quiet.” Nick says, interrupting my thoughts.  
   “You speak Spanish, right?”  
   “I do.”  
   I almost ask, but think better of it. _Maybe I don’t want to know what he’s said._  
   “What do you want translated?” He chuckles at my hesitation.  
   “Nothing, I’d probably butcher it anyway.” I smile.  
   “Just say it the best you can.”  
   “Fine... Eres mi todo, vosotros dos. I may not be repeating it correctly.” I’m pretty sure I’ve mispronounced some of it.  
   Nick chuckles in a way that confirms I’ve mispronounced something. “Who’s talking to you in Spanish?” He’s laughing now.  
   “No one...” I grumble, now Nick knows what Rafael’s said and I still don’t.  
   “Eres mi todo?” He repeats the first part, clarifying what I’ve attempted to say.  
   “That sounds right.”  
   “It roughly translates to you are my everything...” He smiles when I turn to look at him.  
   “Oh...” I’ve turned red... I’m mean I’m really glad I know, but I shouldn’t have asked Nick. I mean Nick knows Rafael, he may not know that it’s Rafael that has said it but that distinction will feel a little moot when he eventually finds out.  
   “You sure he said vosotros dos?” Nick asks.  
   “Not really...” I’m almost afraid now, “why?”  
   “It just means both of you, which seems a little odd.”  
   “I’m probably remembering it wrong.” I reply, returning my gaze to the window to hide my smile.  
   “You’re boyfriend speaks Spanish then.” Nick smirks.  
   “He does.” I can’t exactly deny that now?

   Speaks Spanish has been added to the board by the time we sit for lunch.  
   “Was that necessary?” I mutter.  
   “It’s a clue.” Nick smirks.  
   I turn my attention to my food, hoping that the others wont notice Nicks little addition and start in with their questions.  
   Liv, who’s been working in her office, interrupts our lunch sending me and Nick to an apartment where patrol is already on scene from 911 call reporting a possible assault. During the conversation I had with her confirming my pregnancy, she told me she could keep me off desk duty for a while but not indefinitely... that Rafael and I could decide when to let the others know, but I know she’s sending me and Nick on assignments with my condition in mind. The fact that the crime scene is under control already is the only reason she’s chosen us.

   We arrive and a patrol cop guides us to the apartment, giving us some information as we go.  
   “Bridget, I’m Detective Walsh can you tell me what happened?” Nick is still in the living room, it’s just me and our victim in the bedroom.  
   “I went out with my friends Sean and Taylor last night... a bar a few blocks from here. We were drinking and I guess I drank too much, though I only remember having a few... I woke up in my bed, without any clothes on and sore. I don’t remember getting home, but I have disjointed flashes of having sex... I can’t remember who...” she trails off and wipes tears away, “when I woke up, my front door was unlocked.”  
   “Sean and Taylor... are they both guys?”  
   “Taylor’s a girl.”  
   I jot down a few notes. “How long have you known them?”  
   “Taylor, four years, she was my roommate up until last year and Sean almost the same.”  
   “Do you think either of them would have brought you home last night?”  
   “I would have hoped they both would, but I wouldn’t think they’d leave my door unlocked. Taylor has a spare. She feeds my cat if I go out of town for work and Sean usually just crashes if we drink too much.” Bridget sighs.  
   “Have you showered?”  
   “No...”  
   “I’m going to take you to the hospital, get you checked out and have a rape kit done to check for any fluids.”  
   “Will that tell me for sure if something happened?”  
   “It depends on a few factors, when was the last time you had consensual sex?” I ask.  
   “Maybe a month ago...”  
   “They should be able to tell if something happened then. If you had had consensual sex in the last couple days they may not have been able to differentiate between something happening last night or within the last few days.”  
   “What other factors?” Bridget asks.  
   “Bodily fluids, if he didn’t use a condom, other trace evidence that may be on you.”  
   Bridget shudders, but stands to leave with me.  
   “Do you have the clothes you wore last night?” I ask.  
   Bridget points to where they’ve been tossed on the floor and I get Nick so he can have CSU bag them and let him know I’m taking Bridget to the hospital.

   With no suspect to arrest we’re playing the waiting game for Bridget’s tox screen and rape kit to comeback. Carisi and Rollins have canvassed the bar, but no one saw anything and security footage doesn’t show her leaving the bar at all.  
   “How is that possible?” I ask.  
   “They only have camera’s on the main entrance, the backdoor that’s used by employees and for deliveries isn’t monitored.” Carisi states.  
   “Did you interview the employees working last night?” Liv asks.  
   “Yes, plus the three that were there drinking. They all left well after closing... their exit is on the main entrance camera.” Rollins replies.  
   “Could one of them have left and come back?” Liv questions.  
   “It’s possible, but the doors not hidden and there’s no alarm on it... anyone could have slipped her out. It’s locked from the outside but you just push on the release to exit.” Carisi says, pointing at a picture of the inside of the bar.  
   “Alright...” Liv sighs, “we’ll pick up here tomorrow once the tox screen and rape kit come back.”

   Rafael’s met me at my place after picking up another potato... at least for me. He ordered himself some chicken dish from a restaurant not far from my new favorite food truck. _Not that I had an old favorite._ My apartment is covered in boxes waiting to be packed full of my belongings. It’s strange to be moving again so soon, but somehow it feels completely normal. I’m seriously at Rafael’s more than I am at my own place now anyway. It feels natural to be with him.  
   “Your place looks a little like that first night you brought me here.” Rafael chuckles as we eat at the counter between my kitchen and living space.  
   “There were only a few boxes left that night.” I smile.  
   “Where do you want to start?”  
   “With my books and other things on my shelves that I don’t use regularly. Maybe pack some clothes to take to your place the next time we sleep there.” I shrug.  
   “Is there any furniture you’re attached to? We can try to figure out a place for it.”  
   I haven’t even thought about my furniture. My mind suddenly worries that if this doesn’t work out I’ll be stuck looking for a more expensive apartment and in need of new furniture, all while dealing with the expense of a baby. I’m about to panic when I feel Rafael’s hand on mine.  
   “We can rent a storage unit while we’re figuring everything out.”  
   “You read minds too?” I chuckle.  
   “You just looked a little panicked.” He says, grazing his thumb across the back of my hand.  
   “I like the storage unit idea for a little peace of mind.”  
   “Completely understandable. We can put my guest room furniture in it as well until we’re comfortable with everything.”  
   “That writing desk I’ve crammed in the corner is the only thing I’d really like to keep. It was my grandfathers.”  
   It was his favorite place in my grandparents house and the only thing he specifically left for anyone in his will. I was the only grandkid who ever showed interest in it and used to spend hours trying to find all the hidden compartments or looking through my grandfathers things. When they’d keep me and my brother while my parents traveled, my fathers job taking them to conferences in Vegas twice a year, it’s where I’d do my homework. Sometimes I’d just read at that desk during family gatherings. My grandfather died before I started college and moved out of my parents house, so this desk has pretty much been with me since high school. Sitting at it gives me a sense of stability, like my grandfather is still with me, guiding me. _He always gave such good advice._  
   “It would look nice in that space that overlooks the living room.” Rafael smiled.  
_Like he’s watching over us._ I smile as I picture it there. He’s right, it’d look like it belonged, it’s the perfect size for the space and the exposed brick that’s incorporated back in just along that portion of the wall would make a nice back drop.  
   “The space you haven’t figured out what to do with for ten years?” I chuckle.  
   “Sometime things just work out.” He smirks.  
   “Who’s the optimist now?”  
   He smiles and kisses me, but doesn’t actually respond, just continues to eat, a small smirk tugging at his lips.  
   “When does your lease end?” He asks after a few minutes.  
   “August.”  
   “You’ll be stuck paying rent here for five more months then...” He’s thinking out loud again. I really like that he does this when it’s just the two of us. At work, he’s quiet when he thinks, only speaking when he knows exactly what it is he wants to say, unless it’s off the cuff or he’s arguing with someone, and even then you’d think he always knew what he wanted to say. I like hearing him mull things over.  
   “I’ve already talked to my landlord. He said as soon as I turn in keys he can get the apartment ready to be released. Once a new lease is signed I’m no longer obligated to my lease terms and can stop paying rent. He also said this unit rarely stays empty.”  
   “That’s reassuring, I’d hate for you the throw money away on a place you’re not even living in.”  
   “I’d like to pay my portion at your place.”  
   “We can talk about that once you are released from your lease.” He smiles.

   Rafael and I have spent the morning trying to work around each other while getting ready in my tiny bathroom. If I wasn’t so used to his bathroom I’d probably find the tight quarters charming and sweet, but after countless mornings not having to share a sink and actually having room to do my hair and makeup at the same time he styles his own hair, this is just tight quarters.  
   “I think Liv has questions on the case you’re currently working so I may be by the precinct this afternoon, earlier if you find a suspect.” Rafael says when his car pulls up in front of the station. I had rolled my eyes when he insisted he drop me off. _It’s six blocks..._ But now that I’m chatting with him outside of work, completely hidden from onlookers, I’m glad he insisted. It’s a few more minutes I get to spend with him.  
   “I guess I’ll see you later then.” I smile, leaning over for a quick kiss before climbing out of the car.

   Bridget has spent the morning at the precinct, going over everything she can remember from the night before. Her tox screen has come back positive for GHB and the rape kit found evidence of sexual intercourse and semen. She still can’t remember much, but that is an effect of the drug. Her friend Taylor has joined her to help fill in gaps with anything she can remember. We would have interviewed her yesterday, but she hadn’t been available until now. Sean, Bridget’s other friend that went out with them, is somewhere out of cell range on a fishing trip. Bridget said he had planned on meeting up with his dad early yesterday morning and would be back tomorrow. We’ll interview him then.  
   “I can’t believe you were drugged.” Taylor exhales as she sits next to Bridget in the interview room. Nick is with me trying to piece together Bridgets night, while Liv and Barba watch from her office.  
   “Did you notice anything off about that night?” Nick asks.  
   “Only that Bridge seemed really out of it after only a few drinks, but I assumed she had done a few shots at the bar.” Taylor says.  
   “You didn’t offer to get her home?” I ask.  
   “I was going to, but then she started hanging all over Sean so I figured he could handle it.”  
   “So Sean took me home?” Bridget asks, looking a little relieved.  
   Taylor sighs and closes her eyes. “I honestly don’t know. I assumed he had.” She turns to Bridget. “You know that really hot bartender?”  
   Bridget nods.  
   “He started flirting with me, and I figured you were fine with Sean so I hung out at the bar for a bit. When I went back to the table, I couldn’t find you or Sean anywhere so I went back to the bartender.” Taylor shrugs apologetically. “I really thought you left with Sean... Are you sure you weren’t with Sean?”  
   “I don’t know... I mean Sean wouldn’t have drugged me. He’d have no need to.”  
   “You’ve slept with him before?” Nick asks.  
   “When we’re both single, we sometimes scratch that itch.” Bridget shrugs.  
   There’s a tap on the window so Nick and I excuse ourselves.  
   “Find out how she feels if Sean did in fact take her home.” Barba says.  
   “Does that really matter?” Liv interjects.  
   “It does if she would have willingly slept with him.”  
   “She wasn’t able to consent.”  
   “I’m not saying don’t investigate where the drug came from. If it turns out he drugged her that’s different. If she was drugged at the bar and he happened to take her home... We should know how she feels about that. They have history together.”  
   Nick and I watch as they go back and forth a bit longer before Liv finally concedes to at least see how Bridget would feel if Sean had taken her home.  
   “Bridget, if Sean did take you home, how would you feel?” I ask when we sit back down across from them.  
   “Relieved. I’m mean I would hate to have wasted everyone’s time, but I would be relieved. I just don’t see Sean drugging me though... or leaving my door unlocked. Honestly, he wouldn’t have left without waking me.”

   Bridget and Taylor have left and we’re all sitting around the bullpen. Rollins and Carisi are back from canvassing the neighborhood bars and businesses, finding a few that have cameras facing the path back to Bridget’s apartment. There are so many people staggering in and out of the different bars and the images are pour quality at this distance that it’s hard to tell who anyone is. No one working at any of the neighboring bars have noticed anything suspicious, but they have said they’ll keep an eye out and give us a call if they see anything.

   The next day, Bridget enters the bullpen mid morning heading straight for my desk.  
   “I’m so sorry. It was just a misunderstanding. I talked to Sean last night. I had left a message and he called back when he and his dad went into to town to grab dinner. He took me home and we had sex. He said he woke me before he left and that I acknowledged him but I guess I was so out of it I don’t remember.”  
   “Ok. We’re still going to need to talk to him.” I reply.  
   “But...”  
   “There was GHB in your system. We need to find out where it came from.”  
   “Ok. He’ll be back in the city at three. I don’t want to pursue anything against him though.” She states.  
   “Even if he drugged you?”  
   “Sean wouldn’t have done that.” Bridget huffs.  
   “Someone did.”

   Sean has made things easy and willingly agreed to come in at four. In the mean time we’re looking through reports of possible date rapes using GBH in the last month or so, especially after a night of drinking at bars around where Bridget and her friends had been at.  
   Barba shows up around three. It’s way earlier than he needs to be there and I’m pretty sure I see Liv smirk and roll her eyes when he sits in the chair by my desk while addressing the other detectives to see what we have found. It barely takes any time to catch him up and now we’re sitting around basically waiting for Sean to arrive.  
   “So, this boyfriend...” Carisi starts.  
   “Jesus, this again...” I groan, mostly because Rafael is sitting right next to me.  
   “I was just curious what nationality he was since Nick added that he speaks Spanish to the board.”  
   “Board?” Barba questions.  
   “Yeah, we have a who is Maeve dating board.” Nick says rolling it out from the corner it lives in near his desk.  
   “Is that really appropriate?” Barba mutters, directing his question to Liv.  
   “She could just tell them who she’s dating.” Liv smirks.  
   “And take all the fun out seeing if they can figure it out?” I smile.  
   “How does Nick know he speaks Spanish?” Barba asks.  
   “I mistakenly asked him what something meant. I won’t be doing it again.”  
   Barba looks a little annoyed... ok really annoyed... _I’ve noticed his nostrils flare_ , but he can’t ask me what I’ve had translated without the whole squad knowing what he’s said... even though Liv is the only one who would know it was him that said it.  
   “I’m not telling anyone what he said.” Nick smirks and I feel Barba’s eyes narrow on me but I don’t look at him. I can’t. I’m trying so hard not to laugh and I know if I look at how irritated he is right now I won’t be able to stop myself.  
   “I may have found something.” Rollins has thankfully interrupted the ‘Who is Maeve Dating’ show and dragged us back to the case we’re working.  
   “I’ve found three different women, over the last couple months that have reported waking up in the alley behind the bars near the one Bridget had been at. They all had rape kit run indicating sexual intercourse, but no semen was found. All three cases are still open.” Rollins adds.  
   “Call them and see when they can come in to go over their cases. Maybe there’s a pattern.” Liv sighs.

   Sean is adamant that he didn’t know Bridget had been drugged and just thought she had had a few shots at the bar like Taylor mentioned. Even Bridget said that wouldn’t have been out of character for her. He stated that she seemed drunk but didn’t actually fall asleep until after they had sex. He also insisted he woke her before he left, telling her that she needed to lock the door. He knew she was hungover, but she had responded with an ‘I will’ so he assumed she had. When we asked about leaving the bar he said they used the back door because it’s close to her apartment... that no one ever stops them from exiting through that door. With the knew information we have on three other possible victims we’re now under the impression that whoever drugged Bridget didn’t expect Sean to be the one to take her home.

   I’ve made a quick stop by my apartment to grab another load of clothes before Rafael picks me up to go to his place. I’m to the point of having to pack a bag if we need to stay at my place... at least when it comes to getting ready in the morning. Rafael’s scheduled movers to haul the boxes and furniture for three weeks from now. We will probably spend this weekend packing up my apartment, a task I had expected to be tiresome but has actually been rather enjoyable with Rafael’s help.  
   “What are your opinions on this case?” Rafael questions as we get ready for bed.  
   “I need to know where the drug came from before I pass judgement on Sean.” I shrug.  
   “So if he didn’t drug her?”  
   “Then he thought they had drunk sex and while yes she didn’t actually consent they clearly have a history of doing this so I’m not going to fault him for that, especially if she’s ok with it which she seems to be.”  
   “And if he did drug her?” Rafael asks.  
   “Then I think Bridget should decide... but I don’t think he drugged her. I could be wrong, but I think she’s lucky her friend took her home and not the person who’s been leaving girls to wake up in the alley.”  
   Rafael looks at me for a moment but doesn’t speak.  
   “I’m sorry, did that sound like I’m blaming her, because I’m not. She should be able to go out with friends and drink and not have to stare at her drink the entire night. I just mean that if she doesn’t care that she and Sean had sex then that’s better than some stranger leaving her in the alley... not necessarily that she’s lucky.”  
   “I knew what you meant.” He smirks and I toss my pillow at him. He catches it and smiles while handing it back to me as we crawl in bed.  
   “Why is it so much fun to tease me?” I grumble, cuddling closer to him.  
   “Why didn’t you tell me they have a board dedicated to figuring out who I am?” Rafael chuckles.  
   “Does it bother you that Nick translated something you said?” I saw his face earlier... I know it bugged him.  
   “Not anymore, but I’d prefer to tell you some things myself.”  
   “Technically, you did.” I smile.  
   Rafael rolls his eyes, but pulls me tighter against him. “What’d he tell you I said.”  
   “You are my everything, both of you.” I’ve spoken softly, because I was hoping to just know what he said, not let him know the exact phrase Nick has translated.  
   “You are,” he hums, “it used to be work that drove me, now it’s the prospect of seeing you each day. Not that work doesn’t still drive me, it’s just... I’d place you higher than it. I’ve never done that with anyone before.”  
   “Have you ever lived with someone?”  
   “No. Have you?”  
   “No.” I smile.  
   “I love you,” he breathes, running his hand down my side before gently resting it on my stomach, “both of you.”  
   I’ve opened my mouth to tell him I love him as well when his eyes pop open. “Does Nick know you’re pregnant?”  
   “No,” I chuckle, “I completely butchered what you said, so he questioned whether I had repeated the last part correctly. I told him probably not and he said that it meant both of you which he thought seemed a little odd. I told him I must have gotten it wrong.”  
   “When do you think you’ll start showing?”  
   “I have no idea, I’m down a few pounds from the weight I had already lost before I knew I was pregnant, and even now that I’ve figured out how to eat I mostly graze. If I eat too much I’m nauseous, if I eat too little I’m nauseous. I feel like I’m barely eating even though I’m constantly eating... I assume I’ll show eventually, but from different things I’ve read a lot of women don’t show until their fourth, sometimes fifth month the first pregnancy.”  
   “You know we can tell them whenever you want.” Rafael smiles.  
   “We could, but why deprive them of the satisfaction of figuring it out on their own.” I chuckle.  
   “They’re never going to assume it’s me.”  
   “Why not?” Everything they’ve written on the board screams Barba to me, but I also know who it’s describing.  
   “Because they know nothing about my personal life outside of work... with the exception of Liv... As far as they know I live in my office. With as much as they call I sometimes wonder if they actually think I live there.” He’s muttered the last bit.  
   “Hey Raf...” I’ve looked up to draw his eyes back to mine.  
   “Yeah.”  
   “I love you.”  
   He smiles and wraps me in his warm embrace, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “I love you too.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will probably reread this and make a few edits later but I’ve stared at it for much too long now so it is what it is.

 

   All three women have come by the station to go over the events of the night they woke up in the alley behind the bar Bridget had been drinking at. Turns out all three had been drinking at the same bar Bridget had been. Two of them only remember having a few drinks and the third hadn’t been drinking at all, she had met up with a friend only ordering a soda that night because she had a test the next day and hadn’t wanted to be hung over.  
   “So where does this leave us?” Carisi asks after the last woman left.  
   “Well... all four girls were drugged on either a Thursday or Friday roughly two weeks apart, so it looks like you’ll be hanging out at a bar unless you find something more to go on.” Liv replies.  
   “Dibs on Thursday.” Rollins blurts causing everyone to look at her. “What? I have a date Friday.”  
   “Ok,” Liv smiles, “you and Carisi take Thursday, Nick and Maeve you get Friday.”  
   “Looks like we’ll be getting that drink after all.” Nick chuckles.  
   “Except, we’ll be working so I wont be drinking.” I smile.  
   “Your boyfriend drink?” Carisi asks.  
   “We met while eating at a bar so what do you think?” I smirk.  
   “I guess so then,” Carisi replies, “what’s his drink of choice?”  
   “Coffee.” I chuckle without thinking. _I really need to stop doing that._  
   “And at the bar?” Nick asks, writing coffee on the board.  
    _Screw it..._ Let’s test Rafael’s theory that they’ll never suspect him. “Scotch.”  
   “That list could almost describe Barba.” Rollins laughs.   
_Shit..._  
   “Yeah right.” Nick snorts.  
   For a second I thought I pushed to far. I almost felt a bit of relief, that perhaps we could stop with their little game... Then I realized I’m kind of enjoying the game, that it really didn’t feel like I’m lying to them anymore... just playing along. I’m answering their questions honestly, it’s not my fault they wont even consider the possibility of it being Barba. I can always play this off as their own fault for being so nosy if they really are upset we didn’t tell them...

   I’m almost finished packing up my bedroom when Rafael knocks at the door.  
   “How was work?” He smiles, wrapping his arms around me before I can even get the front door shut.  
   “Fine.”  
   “Just fine?”  
   “It would have been better if you had had a reason to stop by.” I smile.  
   “So Liv could scold me for wasting your time and mine. I’ll pass.” Rafael chuckles.  
   “You’d survive.” I grin pushing up to kiss him.  
   “You’re bedrooms almost done.”  
   “Yep, and there’s really not that much in the kitchen or living room.”  
   “We’ll probably finish packing your apartment before next weekend, do you want me to schedule movers for Saturday?” Rafael asks.  
   “I have to go to a bar with Nick that Friday, maybe we find a storage unit Saturday and schedule movers for the following weekend.”  
   “You have to what?”  
   “We’re just looking for anything suspicious at the bar Bridget was drugged at. Turns out the other three women had been drinking there as well.”  
   “I really don’t like you being out at that bar...” Rafael sighs.  
   “I really don’t have a choice. Besides I won’t be drinking, just looking for suspicious activity.” I smile.  
   “And if you see something?”  
   “Nick will be with me.”  
   “Are you dressing up?”  
   “I wont be wearing a dress or anything, but probably not my work clothes either.”  
   “Fine, but I’ll have a car waiting for you as soon as the bar closes.” He huffs.  
   “And I love you too.”  
   Rafael lightly chuckles and shakes his head. “Lets at least get your bedroom finished and a good chunk of your living room packed before we head to my place.”

   I’m wearing a pink fitted t-shirt and jeans, my converse and have styled my hair in soft curls. I may be spending my evening at a bar with Nick, but I have no desire to draw attention to myself.  
   “That’s what you’re wearing tonight?” Rollins asks.  
   “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”  
   “You look like you’re barely old enough to get into a bar.” She chuckles. It’s a jab at the outfit not how old I look.  
   “So... I’m not acting as bait.” I counter. I hate going to bars. I used to dress up... Now I prefer to be low key.  
   “Liv, I’m going to take Maeve to her apartment... see if we can find something suitable for tonight.” Rollins chuckles. “It’s only a few blocks from here right?”  
   “Uh... it is but my clothes aren’t there...” Every piece of clothing I own has made it to Rafael’s. It just makes more sense since we sleep there every night, only stopping by my place for a bit to pack.  
   “Where are your clothes?” Liv asks, giving me a curious look.  
   “My boyfriends place...” _Great..._  
   “That’s fine, we can just go there.” Rollins grins.  
   “You’re moving in together?” Liv asks, both of us ignoring how excited Rollins looks.  
   “We are.”  
   Liv’s quiet for a minute and then she seems to remember I’m pregnant. “Things are moving quickly huh?” _At least she’s smiled..._  
   “To your boyfriends then?” Rollins smiles.  
   “If you really want to dress me we can go shopping.” Even if she wouldn’t see Rafael’s suits in the closet or the picture on the media console of him and what I assume is his grandmother... _I haven’t asked._ I still wouldn’t take her to Barba’s place... not without officially moving in. Not without knowing how he feels about people in his home.  
   “I guess that’ll have to do.” Rollins mutters, dragging me behind her and out of the bullpen.

   I’ve tried on multiple tops with the jeans I’m currently wearing and Rollins has made a face at every one of them.  
   “I think it’s your jeans.” She says, handing me a different pair.  
   The ones I had worn are a relaxed fit, not baggy but not fitted. I’m seriously struggling to get into the skinny ones she has handed me.  
   “Is there a larger size?” I call though the dressing room door.  
   “There supposed to be tight.”  
   “Not this tight.” I grumble.  
   “Fine, give me a minute.”  
   I peel the jeans back off as I wait.  
   “Here.” Rollins says, tossing a new pair over the door.  
   I have a much easier time getting this pair on. Once fastened, I slip one of the shirts she’s selected back on and open the door. “Better?”  
   “Much. Try this shirt and jacket.” She’s reached in the dressing room and pulled a shiny white sleeveless top and black jacket.  
   I close the door and change, glancing at myself in the mirror. I have to admit I look more like I’m willingly going to a bar instead of being dragged to one...  
   “Will this work?”  
   “Yes,” she smiles, “now for the shoes.”  
   “Fine, but at least let me wear flats.” I grumble closing the door to change back to my original outfit... the one that seems clunky now compared to the well fitting one Rollins has put together for me. It’s not that I can’t dress myself. I put myself together nicely for work and most other things... but at bars or clubs I prefer not to draw attention to myself, almost purposely dressing down.

   Rafael’s at the precinct when we return, standing with Liv at Nick’s desk flipping through a file.  
   “Is that want you’re wearing?” Nick asks.  
   “I’m going to change.” I grumble, taking the bag of clothes I’ve just purchased to the locker room.  
   Thankfully Rollins didn’t argue about the shoes, because I’m not sure I my feet could have handled heels from now until the bar closes.  
   “Now that looks like you might actually want to be on a date with me.” Nick smirks and I stifle a laugh at the glare to the back of the head Barba has given him.  
   “I’m sure that’s exactly what my boyfriend would like to hear.”  
   “It’s not like he’s here.” Nick chuckles.  
   I roll my eyes and sit at my desk. Our whole day has been shifted. Instead of coming in in the morning, Nick and I came in at three... not that I actually slept in. Carisi and Rollins, who went out last night, came in at noon. Now it’s seven. Rafael is leaving from the precinct to head home and Nick and I are planning on going to the bar at nine thirty.  
   Vzzzzzt... “You do look really nice.”  
   “Will you be awake to take it off me when I get home?”  
   Vzzzzzt... “I will be now.”  
   I look up to see him smile at me.  
   Vzzzzzt... “I’ll see you tonight.”  
   “Technically tomorrow morning.”  
   Vzzzzzt... “If you haven’t slept it’s still tonight.”  
   “If you say so.”  
   Vzzzzzt... “Want to grab dinner before you go out? I already asked Liv if you could.”  
   “Where and when?”  
   Vzzzzzt... “The diner on sixth? Thirty minutes?”  
   “See you then.”

   I’ve ordered a grill cheese with french fries and a side of hash browns because I couldn’t decide what kind of potato I wanted.  
   “Are you ever going to eat anything green again?” Rafael asks as he takes a bite of his veggie omelette.  
   I hold up the pickle spear that came with my sandwich and smile.  
   “That’s not what I meant.”  
   “Well when your child decides it wants something besides carbs I’ll eat a salad.”  
   Rafael rolls his eyes and smirks. “Is this how its always going to be?”  
   “How what’s always going to be?” I question with a mouthful of french fry.  
   “You teasing me about it being my child when I make a snarky comment.”  
   “I hope so.” I grin.  
   “You’ll be careful tonight?” He’s taken my hand in his and is gently grazing his thumb over my knuckles.  
   “I promise.” I smile, lacing my fingers through his and leaning into his side.

   Nick and I have been at the bar for an hour. We’ve found a table that allows us to keep an eye on most of the bar, both of us having a view of the back door. Whoever is drugging and assaulting women in the back alley has struck either on Thursday or Friday ever other week for the last two months. We assume something keeps him from striking every week because even after Bridget, who we assume was his intended target, left with Sean, there wasn’t another assault the following weekend. Rollins and Carisi didn’t see anything last night and no one reported an assault so odds are good he could strike tonight.  
   “Can I get you a drink?” Random guy number four has asked me in some form or another.  
   “Dude?!” Nick barks. We’re not on a date, but for all intents and purposes it looks like we are and Nick is clearly annoyed by the fact that every guy that has hit on me tonight has failed to even acknowledge him.  
   The guy holds his hands up apologetically and backs away.  
   “Is this what it’s always like for you when you go out?” Nick asks.  
   “If I go to a bar or club... I try to avoid this scene though.”  
   “You’re outfit earlier makes a bit more sense now.” He smiles.  
   “It wouldn’t have mattered.” I sigh. “I met up with a friend at a bar in Portland after spending the day volunteering for a clean up the ocean charity. I literally spent all day walking along the beach picking up trash. I’m sure I smelled like sweat and had no makeup on, my hair thrown haphazardly in a ponytail. I had worn old sweats and an oversized t-shirt... I left with three numbers I never called.”  
   “Does this annoy your boyfriend?”  
   “We don’t go to bars. We go out to eat a lot but I’m left alone at restaurants... it’s this alcohol I think that emboldens them enough to blatantly hit on me in front of you.”  
   “Didn’t you meet your boyfriend at a bar?” Nick chuckles.  
   “A restaurant bar... it’s a little different. We were both there to eat.” I smile.  
   “Did you wear your pink shirt and jeans?”  
   “No,” I roll my eyes, “I was wearing a skirt and cute top.”  
   “You don’t exactly seem to like being hit on at a bar.” Nick states and I know he’s curious as to how Rafael and I started talking.  
   “He never hit on me. He was working until my mom called and my side of the phone call made him laugh. I’m pretty sure he started to work again after apologizing and I initiated the conversation. We talked until the bar closed.” I’ve smiled and Nick smirks.  
   “You really like him.”  
   “I love him.”  
   “Hi.” _Oh great... random guy number five..._ I don’t say anything just stare at him while I wait for something inappropriate to fall out of his mouth. Nick seems to be doing the same.  
   “If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting head?” He literally holds up a coin.  
   Nick rolls his eyes. “Does that ever actually work?”  
   “You’d be surprised,” he replies to Nick and then turns back to me, “so?”  
   “Really? I’m clearly here with him and he is so much hotter than you.” I laugh, taking Nick’s hand in mine from across the table. It’s the truth... I mean the guys attractive but Nick is more so. I had actually kind of hoped being with Nick would deter some of this.  
   “Whatever.” The guy leaves and I let Nick’s hand go leaning back in my chair again.  
   “Don’t tell my boyfriend I held your hand if you ever figure out who he is.” I smile.  
   “He the jealous type?”  
   “Not really, but I assume you Cuban’s can all be hot-tempered under the right circumstances.” I chuckle.  
   “He’s Cuban?”  
   “Shit...”  
   “What, didn’t want me to know that?” Nick chuckles.  
   “No, does that girl look unconscious to you?” I say gesturing to a girl slumped over a guys shoulder. Her feet are dragging behind her as he carries her toward the backdoor.  
   Nick and I both make our way to the two of them.  
   “Need some help?” Nick asks.  
   “Oh, umm... no we’re good.” The guy says trying to move passed us.  
   “What’s her name?” I ask. I’ve reached into her purse and pulled out her wallet already but I don’t think he’s noticed this.  
   “Sarah.”  
   “Wrong answer.” I reply as I look at her ID.  
   The guy glances between Nick and I and bolts. Nick chases after him while I manage to catch the girl enough to prevent her head from hitting the floor, calling for a bus and backup for Nick.

   “So much for my date.” Rollins grumbles as she joins us in the bullpen.  
   “You were still on your date at three am?” Nick questions.  
   “The fun part.” Rollins smiles.  
   Liv has called everyone in, Rollins is the last to arrive but not by much.  
   “Did he ask for a lawyer?” Barba asks.  
   “Not yet, but we need a warrant to search his house for GHB or anything that can tie him to our victims.” Liv states.  
   “Give me a minute.” Barba yawns and pulls out his phone.  
   Initially, I had rode to the hospital with our victim, but once I ensured a rush would be put on the tox screen there wasn’t much else for me to do until she woke up so I came back to the precinct.  
   “What’s he saying?” Carisi asks.  
   “He keeps insisting she told him her name was Sarah and that was only trying to get her out of the bar before she got in trouble for passing out.” Nick states.  
   “Do we have an address?” Barba asks while still on the phone.  
   “Yeah.” Nick hands him the guys ID.   
   Moments later we have our warrant and Rollins and Carisi are on their way to the suspects apartment.  
   “Tox screen came back positive for GHB, she was definitely drugged.” Fin hands Liv the report.  
   “Nick and Maeve, see if her tox screen will get him talking.” Liv says as Barba follows her into her office.

   The suns starting to come up by the time our suspect, Phillip Harding’s lawyer shows up. Rollins and Carisi have found vials of what could be GHB in his apartment, the lab running it now, and Liv and Barba are in with the lawyer and Harding seeing if they can get somewhere.  
   “I may have found something.” I announce to a rather quiet and tired bullpen.  
   “What?” Fin asks.  
   “Harding works as a long haul truck driver, running the same route over a two week period.”  
   “Where does he stop?” Rollins asks.  
   “Jersey City, Philadelphia, Roanoke, Charlotte, Savannah and then he turns back making the same stops. He spends the most time here and in Savannah.” I reply.   
   We each take a city and search through reports of assault matching our MO.  
   “Savannah has similar assaults reported for the Thursday and Friday we don’t have assaults in New York.” Carisi states.  
   “We’re going to need a warrant for his rig as well.” I sigh.  
   “Go tell Liv and Barba.” Nick says.  
   I knock on the door to interrogation and Liv pokes her head out.  
   “We have something.” I say, bringing both her and Barba up to speed once they close the door.  
   They take the new information we have found back to Harding and emerge not too much later with guilty plea.  
   “Makes you wonder what we’d find on that rig.” Rollins quips after the defense attorney leaves and Harding is in holding.  
   “Go home, we can finish this up Monday.” Liv says.  
   I straighten my desk like usual as everyone starts to gather their things to leave.  
   “It doesn’t have to be perfect, go home to your boyfriend.” Rollins teases on her way out.  
   “Home?” Nick questions, lifting a brow.  
   “Home.” I reply.  
   “You’ve moved in with him?”  
   Rafael’s watching us, listening... but I ignore it, talking with Nick how I would if he weren’t there.  
   “In the process of moving in... but I sleep there every night.”  
   “That was fast.” He smirks.  
   “What can I say, he makes me act impulsively.” I smile.  
   “That’s not always a good thing.”  
   “I’m happy.”  
   “As long as you’re happy...” he chuckles, “see you Monday.”  
   Rafael moves to my desk when the only person left besides us is Liv.  
   “You two heading home?” Liv asks when she exits her office.  
   “Our car should be here in five minutes.” Rafael replies.  
   “Have a good weekend.”  
   “You too.” We both say at the same time.  
   It’s strange being alone in the bullpen with Rafael, he’s reading on his phone and I’m still organizing my desk, neither of us are speaking but it still feels intimate.  
   “You ready?” He smiles, sliding his phone in his pocket.  
   “More than ready.” I yawn, taking his offered hand when I stand. Something I can freely do for the first time within the walls of the precinct.


	15. Chapter 15

   I’m laying in Rafael’s arms postcoital and he’s lightly running his fingers through my hair. It’s late... too late. We’ve both been working crazy hours, but now that the first trimester has passed my morning sickness has subsided and I’m eating normally again... Ok maybe not normally considering I’m hungry all the time and feel like I’m eating twice as much food as I’d normally eat, but the simple fact that I can eat without feeling sick has made me extremely happy. I also have energy again which may make me even happier than the fact that I can eat.  
   “Hey Raf...”  
   “Uh hmm.” He hums.  
   “What did you tell Liv over dinner that first time you told her about me?”  
   “You mean the dinner you freaked out about because you were afraid I might out us before we officially disclosed?” He chuckles.  
   “Yes.” I smile, looking up at him.  
   “I’m pretty sure I accidentally let the fact that I love you slip out. She found the fact that I didn’t mean to say it rather amusing.”    
   While I’m not sure that’s exactly what I had expected him to say it still makes me laugh.  
   “What’s so funny?” He smirks.  
   “You remember how Liv kept me after when we disclosed?”  
   “I do.”  
   “I may or may not have said that I loved you then as well.” I chuckle.  
   “May or may not have?”  
   “It rambled out accidentally.”  
   “I was talking freely with my good friend when I accidentally said it... How did you manage to accidentally tell your boss you loved me?”  
   “I was going on about how much I loved working at SVU and the people and then said something about it not being as much as I loved you. I’m pretty sure I turned bright red afterward and asked her not to say anything to you. She looked amused, but promised she let me be the one to tell you that.” I chuckle.  
   “Good to know she knew how we each felt before we did.”  
   “Do you have to go in tomorrow?” It’s Friday but he has summations on Monday and it’s been a particularly hard case.  
   “I will,” he sighs, “but I’m not going in early. If I don’t finish I’ll try to bring whatever’s left home and work here on Sunday.”  
   “I’m ready for this trial to be over.”  
   “You and me both.” He smirks, pulling me up to kiss him. “It’s not as bad working late now that you’re officially moved in.”  
   “I know... I like knowing that no matter how late you or I end up working that I’ll still get to curl up next to you.” I smile.  
   “It’s my favorite thing about living with you.” He grins.  
   “We should probably get some sleep.”  
   “I’ll get more done tomorrow if we do.”  
   “Then we should definitely get some sleep.” I chuckle, reaching across him to flip the lamp on the nightstand off.  
   “I love you.” Rafael hums, curling his arms around me when I lay my head on his chest.  
   “Love you too.”

   When we moved my things to his place and the furniture we weren’t keeping to a storage unit, Rafael had the movers move the furniture out of his guest room as well. It was more cost effective this way, but now the room is completely bare and I keep standing in the doorway trying to picture baby furniture in it. The walls are currently a light grey which will work for the ideas I have for either gender.  
   If it’s a boy I want the furniture to be a dark walnut and to paint one wall a deep blue. I’d like to hang model planes and decorate with trains and boats... maybe hang a map on a wall and place a globe on a shelf. The Dr. Seuss quote “Oh the places you’ll go...” would be painted on the wall above the crib or printed and framed and hung above the crib. For a girl I’d like to go lighter, leaving the walls as they are. I want white furniture and lilac sheets and changing table covers... anything else I can accent with the color. Above her bed I want “Let her sleep, for when she wakes, she will move mountains.” And yes I know this comes from a comment made by Napoleon Bonaparte about China, “Let her sleep, for when she wakes, she will shake the world,” and him foreseeing China as a sleeping giant that would rise up and shape the world, but I still like the sentiment. On a different wall I may also hang the Shakespeare quote, “Though she be but little, she is fierce.” I can’t decide which one I like better and don’t see why I can’t have both.  
   I’m still leaning on the door frame, my imagination filling the empty room, when there’s a knock at the door. For a second I’m not sure if I should answer, no one other than Liv knows I live here so it’s probably for Rafael. Curiosity gets the better of me and I wind my way down the stairs and peak through the peephole to see who’s on the other side. It’s a rather unassuming woman maybe a little older than my mom so I unlock the door.  
   “Can I help you?” I ask, opening it wide enough to not seem rude, but not so wide she can barge in.  
   “You’re Maeve, the detective dating my son?”  
_Jesus Christ it his mom..._ “I’m assuming you’re Raf’s mom.” I smile opening the door wider so she can enter.  
   “Lucia Barba.” She says, passing me and dropping her bag on the couch.  
   “Rafael’s at his office.” I have a feeling she already knows this, but feel the need to tell her anyway.  
   “I came to talk to you since he’s too busy for any of the lunches I have suggested.” Lucia mutters, but I get the impression it’s more at Rafael than me.  
   “Do you want something to drink?” I ask, as I get myself a glass of water.  
   “Water, thank you.” She smiles, taking a seat on the couch next to her bag.  
   “What do you want to know?” I smile, handing her the water and sitting in the chair adjacent to her.  
   “You’ve moved in with my son?”  
   “I have.”  
   “How long have you been dating?”  
   “Almost eight months.” _Saying to out loud it seems so impulsive..._  
   “That’s not very long.” She notes eyeing me up and down.  
   “I know, but I can assure you I love him.”  
   “Infatuation and love are very different things.” Lucia mutters and my heart sinks, not because I fear she’s right... I know I love him... but because I fear she doesn’t like me.  
   “It’s not infatuation...” I barely whisper.  
   Lucia looks at me... stares at me. She doesn’t exactly look pleased. “Why move in so quickly?”  
   “You should probably talk to Rafael about this.” I deflect... I have no idea what he’s told her, but I assume from her question she has no idea about the baby.  
   “I did talk to Rafi. He went on and on about how happy you make him and how he wants to come home to you and wake up next to you. That it may be moving quickly but it felt right.”  
   “It is right.” I smile, mostly at what he’s told her.  
   “You’re extremely pretty.” She cocks an eyebrow as though my looks have something to do with why we’re having this conversation.  
   “You’re son is very handsome.” I counter.  
   “I know that.” She huffs and I laugh. I don’t mean to, but I can’t help it. I have seen the face she’s made on Rafael multiple times and it’s nice to know where it came from.  
   Lucia looks at me again and her face softens. “You really love him?”  
   “How could I not?” I smile.  
   “Rafi says you’re from Maine?”  
   “Portland, Maine. I moved here roughly eight months ago, Rafael was the first person I met.”  
   “He mentioned that you two met before you knew you’d be working together.” Lucia nods.  
   “What do you want to know about me?” I ask, opening myself up for any question she wants to throw at me.  
   “Do you have siblings?”  
   “An older brother, Jacob.”  
   “Are your parents still together?”  
   “They are.”  
   “Do you want children?”   
_He definitely hasn’t said anything..._ “I do.” I smile.  
   “I’m honestly not sure if my son does... will that be a problem?”  
   “We’ve discussed children.” _Well maybe not the plural, but we’ve discussed the one I’m currently carrying..._  
   She gives me a curious look and starts to follow up my statement with what I assume would be a question on what exactly Rafael and I have discussed, but stops when we hear keys jingling and the front door unlocking. Lucia and I both watch as Rafael walks in using his back to hold the door, while lugging a stack of files and his suitcase. “I thought we could grab dinner and I could finish up here after we got back.” He says, pausing when he turns to see his mother and me sitting in the living room.  
   “Hi Rafi.” Lucia smiles.  
   “How long have you been here?” He asks.  
   “Maybe half an hour.”  
   “We can all grab dinner.” I suggest.  
   “Is that why you called to see how long I was going to be at work?” He huffs, setting his files and briefcase on the coffee table.  
   “I wanted to meet her and you kept making excuses.” Lucia doesn’t seem to be bothered by his huffiness.  
   “Have you at least been nice?” Rafael chuckles.  
   “I still think this is moving too fast but I’ve behaved.” She smiles.  
   “Mami...”  
   “I’m entitled to my opinion.”  
   “And I’ve told you how I feel about this.” He states, picking up the files and moving them to his office.  
   Lucia grabs his briefcase and follows, both of them leaving me in the living room only to be able to hear that they are talking but not what is being said.  
   They both return a few minutes later and Lucia turns to me and smiles. “I’ll leave the two of you to enjoy your dinner.”  
   “You don’t want to join us?” I ask, unsure of what’s been said to make her suddenly decide to leave.  
   “I have plans a little later that don’t allow enough time for dinner,” Lucia smiles, “another time perhaps.”  
   “I’ll call you later mami.” Rafael says as he hugs her and she kisses his cheek on her way out.  
   “She doesn’t like me.” I sigh once the door’s shut.  
   “She takes time to warm up to people dating her son. The fact that you already live here makes her worry.” He smiles, wrapping his arm around me as I stand. “I promise she will eventually love you as much as I do.”  
   “You haven’t told her about the baby.”  
   “No, I haven’t.”  
   “Why haven’t you?” I’m almost afraid to hear his answer, but I can’t stop the question.  
   “Because I just told her you moved in and I didn’t want her to think that was the only reason we moved in together.”  
   “You have other reasons for me moving in?” I smile as I turn in his arms to face him.  
   “I also like having you here.” He smirks.  
   “Is that so?”  
   “It is... even if you answer the door for woman you don’t know.” He chuckles.  
   “She seemed harmless enough.”  
   “I’ll tell her soon I just want her to adjust to us living together for a bit first.”  
   “She’ll probably do that better if she actually gets to know me.” I smile.  
   “Fine... give her exactly what she wants.” Rafael chuckles again.

   Meeting Rafael’s mom has reminded me that I have been avoiding telling my own parents that I’m pregnant. I’m in my thirties, but the fact that this wasn’t exactly planned... _ok... wasn’t planned at all..._ coupled with the little detail of only moving here eight months ago makes me keep postponing telling them... like I’m some knocked up teenager or something. Rafael’s been working in his home office, finalizing his summation all morning, only exiting to refill his coffee mug, so I take the opportunity to call my mom.  
   The phone is ringing as I lay back on the bed and part of me almost hopes she doesn’t answer. “Maeve, is everything alright?”  
_Of course she thinks the worst..._ “Yes mom, everything’s fine, great actually. I just wanted to call and chat... catch up a bit.”  
   “Oh... that’s a relief. Everything here is pretty much the same... your typical lazy Sunday at the house, just me and your father. Are you still dating that guy you met?”  
   “Rafael mom, and yes we’re still together.” I sigh.  
   “If you’d call more I’d probably remember his name.” She chuckles.  
   “Ok. I’ll take some fault for that. I have some news though.”  
   “You’ve decided to move back?”  
   “No,” I chuckle, “Though, I do have a new address for you.”  
   The line is silent.  
   “Mom?”  
   “You moved in with him?” She sounds concerned.  
   “I did and I promise it doesn’t feel as impulsive as it seems.”  
   “This is unlike you... are you pregnant?”  
   And now it’s my turn to be silent. I had called to tell her about the baby, but the way she’s asked sounds so judgmental I’m not sure I want to anymore.  
   “Oh my god you are.” She blurts.  
   “Mom...”  
   “How far along?”  
   “I’m close to the end of the fourth month.”  
   I hear her exhale through the phone.  
   “Mom, I’m happy. I love him and he’s a good man... we work.”  
   “You can’t possibly know how you’re going to work long term.” She huffs.  
   “Does anybody?”  
   “Maeve...”  
   “I’m happy mom... unbelievably happy.”  
   “You said he’s a prosecutor?”  
   “That you remember?” I chuckle.  
   “And you two work together?”  
   “Everything is disclosed.”  
   “I want to meet him.”  
   “I promise you will, maybe you and dad can come visit and see the city I’m living in.”  
   “I’m going to be a grandma...” She exhales.  
   “What, you assumed Jacob would accidentally have a kid first?” I chuckle and this gets her to laugh, our conversation quickly becoming less her concern with my life and us just talking like we normally do.  
Rafael plops on the bed next to me not long after I get off the phone with my mom, cuddling me closer when I turn to face him.  
   “You’re finished?”  
   “I may read through it again later but mostly I’m finished.”  
   “I told my mom.”  
   He pulls back to look at me. “How’d that go?”  
   “She’s concerned, but coming around to the idea. I think she’s excited about the whole grandma thing.” I smile, cuddling closer to him again.

   Summations took less than an hour and now we’re waiting around the bullpen for a call that the juries back.  
   “Do you think we have time for lunch?” Nick asks as Liv is getting a water form the vending machine.  
   “You know juries, they’re unpredictable, but I doubt they’ll be back before this afternoon.” Liv shrugs.  
   “So that’s a yes to lunch?” Carisi asks.  
   “Go eat.” Liv chuckles.  
   “You want to join?” Nick asks Liv.  
   “Someone really should stay here.” She sighs.  
   “I can stay,” I offer, “I have plans to eat later anyway.”  
   Liv knows I have a doctors appointment and Rafael and I had planned on grabbing something to eat close to the courthouse after since today is too unpredictable for him to actually go to the appointment.  
   “Ok.” Liv smiles.  
   I’ve been alone in the bullpen for maybe fifteen minutes when Rafael walks in.  
   “Where’s everyone else?”  
   “They went to lunch.” I smile.  
   “We could have rescheduled eating if you wanted to go.”  
   “Liv was going to stay back so someone would be here, but I offered to instead since we were eating later anyway and she seemed to really want to go.” I shrug.  
   “That was nice of you.” He smirks.  
   “What’s nice is this little surprise of you popping by the precinct.” I grin.  
   “I had to get out of my office.”  
   He walks around Nicks desk and turns the board describing him around and starts reading through it. “Even with Cuban, coffee, and scotch added they still can’t figure out it’s me?”  
   “Rollins joked that the list could describe you, but Nick just laughed and said yeah right. In their defense it was before Cuban was added.” I chuckle.  
   “I told you they’ll never suspect me.” Rafael smirks.


	16. Chapter 16

   I’m leaning back in my chair, tossing the koosh ball that somehow moved from Carisi’s desk to mine in the air over and over again. Suddenly a hand comes out of nowhere and snatches the ball before I can catch it again.  
   “Don’t you have work to do?” Barba smirks.  
   “Don’t you?” I smile.  
   He’s still smirking as he tosses the ball back to me and heads towards Liv’s office, but she exits before he can get there.  
   “Just leave it on my desk,” she says quickly passing Barba, “Maeve, I guess you’re with me.”  
   It’s early, Fin has taken a personal day and the others aren’t in yet. I’m technically not scheduled for another thirty minutes either, but Rafael had to go in early and I couldn’t sleep so I came in early as well.  
   “What have we got?” I asks, giving Rafael one last smile as I follow her out.  
   “A body in Central Park.” Liv states.

   It’s the body of a teenage girl, maybe sixteen... there’s no ID. Her clothes are torn and she has cuts and bruises covering most of her body.  
   “Do we know cause of death?” Liv asks the medical examiner.  
   “I wont know for sure until I get her back but it appears to be blunt force trauma to the head. She has strangulation marks as well, but it’s almost as though he tried to strangle her and when it proved to be harder that he anticipated, he struck her with a rock.” The M.E. replies.  
   “Melinda, this is Detective Walsh. Maeve this is our M.E. Melinda Warner.” Liv says introducing us.  
   “Are all the cuts and bruises recent?” I ask.  
   “They appear to be.” Melinda says.  
   “Any sign of sexual assault?” Liv ask.  
   “I haven’t done an exam but we’ve found fluids and with as bad a shape as she’s in I’d assume so. I’ll let you know what I find for sure as soon as I can.”  
   Liv and I leave her and CSU to work, bagging and collecting evidence, while we scan the area for anything that might help us determine what happened.  
   “This part of the park is pretty isolated... How’d we find her?” I ask, noticing that we’ve had to trek across a field and brushy area to get to our victim.  
   “Anonymous tip.”  
   “How anonymous are those?”  
   “TARU is already on it.” Liv smiles.

   Rollins and Carisi are already going through missing person photo’s when we get back to the precinct, hoping to see if we can identify our victim and Nick is checking to see if there’s any video of her entering the park.  
   “Tell me this isn’t her.” Carisi says, standing to pin a picture of a missing girl to the board next to the photo of our victim CSU sent over.  
   “Call whoever reported her missing and see if they have something we can verify DNA with...” Liv sighs.

   Josh Ballard, Carly’s dad, brought her hairbrush, confirming our victims identity. He reported her missing a couple days ago. During the visual ID Mr. Ballard broke down crying on my shoulder, repeating “she was alive yesterday...” over and over again. Nick notices me start to tear up and walks Mr. Ballard back to the precinct giving me a moment to collect myself.  
   I’m not normally one to cry during a case... even tough ones, but it seems lately I can’t see someone cry without my own water works starting. _Or apparently watching Master Chef Junior..._ I’m not saying I wouldn’t feel terrible for Carly’s dad even if I wasn’t pregnant... I would. To see how he feels about losing his daughter is gut wrenching. I just wouldn’t be uncontrollably sobbing in the bathroom.  
   “You ok?” Nick asks when I take my seat at my desk again.  
   “Yeah.” I smile. “Thanks.”  
   “No problem.”  
   Liv and Rollins are in the interview room with Josh going over any details that might get us closer to figuring out what happened to Carly and where she’s been for the last few days.  
   “Thank you Mr. Ballard. If you think of anything else...” Liv hands him her card.  
   “I will.” He replies.  
   “We’ll be in touch.” She adds as she walks him to the elevator.  
   “Do we have anything new to go on?” I ask when she returns to the bullpen.  
   “Not really, but based on Melinda’s report whoever took Carly was brutal.” Liv states.

   Carly’s case isn’t to the point of calling in Barba yet, so Rafael and I have both taken the day off. I have a doctors appointment in the morning and we’re hoping to find out whether we’re having a boy or girl. We’d also like to maybe get a little shopping for the baby’s room done, or at least look and see what’s out there. Liv has promised to not call Rafael unless they absolutely need him.  
   “I have to pee.” I grumble as we head out of the apartment.  
   “Go pee, the car will wait.” Rafael chuckles.     
   “I can’t. If I pee now I wont have to when we get there and they make me pee in a cup every time. They seriously made me drink water and wait so I could keep trying the one time I didn’t have to pee.” I mutter.  
   “You pee every five minutes.”  
   “Not if I’m expected to...”  
   He furrows his brow, but lets it go.

   It’s the full anatomy ultrasound, which is done in a different section of my doctors office than my normal appointment. The lights in the room are dim and there are monitors placed so we can both easily view what the sonographer is showing us.  
   We’re both fairly quiet as she works since neither of us really knowing what we’re looking at.  
   “That’s your babies brain.” She states as she records measurements and takes a few images.  
   “Everything look ok?” Rafael asks.  
   “It does.” She smiles and continues to click different tabs on the screen.  
   “The lungs... heart... all four chambers are present and seem to be functioning normally... the spine...” She identifies more anatomy for us as she works. “Did you want to know the gender?”  
   “Yes.” We both respond, maybe a bit too eagerly because she chuckles.  
   “Do either of you have a preference?”  
   “Not really.” I reply before Rafael can make a sarcastic comment about not exactly having a choice. I’ve asked a few times if he would prefer a boy but he insist that as long as the baby is healthy and preferably a genus, the gender is irrelevant. He’s joking about the genus thing... _I think..._  
   “Some times it’s hard to tell for sure depending on the position they’re in, but...” she moves the wand around a bit before settling on a spot and taking a picture, “your baby is definitely a girl.”  
   “I guess we should start looking at names...” The blue wall, planes and trains no longer filling my head, only lilac and white... maybe elephants.  
   “You guys can go back to the waiting room and I’ll get this to your doctor. They’ll call you back when she’s ready for you.” She says, handing us a print out of some of the pictures she’s taken during the ultrasound.

   “A girl.” Rafael whispers when we sit down.  
   “You ok with that?”  
   “I’m going to have to be.” He exhales.  
   “You totally wanted a boy.” I chuckle.  
   “I’m good with a girl.” He smirks.  
   “Walsh!”   
   We follow the nurse back to the exams room and Dr. Campbell goes over pretty much the same things the sonographer did but in more detail. She also assures us that the baby is growing normally and everything is developing as expected.  
   “Should I be showing yet?” I’m relieved to hear that the baby is growing normally because I don’t feel like my stomach is. I can see a small bump forming when I’m undressed, but I don’t even need to wear bagging clothes to cover it.  
   “Different woman show at different times,” she shrugs, “your pregnancy is moving along healthily and that’s what matters to me.”

   I’ve pulled up a list of baby names on my phone as we drive. I wouldn’t even let myself think about names until I knew the gender. I think I was afraid I’d get attached to one and then be disappointed if the baby ended up being the opposite gender.  
   “Emma?” I’m literally reading down the list.  
   “Maybe as a nickname.” Rafael replies.  
   “Olivia?” I chuckle.  
   “I think one Olivia is enough.” He smirks and leans closer to read over my shoulder.  
   “Hazel?”  
   Rafael makes a face and I chuckle.  
   “Caroline?”  
   “It can go on a list of possibilities.”  
   “Isla”  
   “Isla Barba?” He questions furrowing his brow slightly.  
   “I think it sounds ok...”  
   “What about Grisel?”   
   He’s softly rolled the r and I’m now afraid I will never be to pronounce our daughters name. “Where’d you see Gre... Gree... Jesus, it shouldn’t be that difficult...” I mutter, having pronounced the beginning with a hard gr like the color green is not nearly as pretty as what he’s said.  
   “I didn’t,” he chuckles, “I saw Giselle but it reminded me of Grisel... I’ve just always liked the name.”  
   “We can add it to the list, but only if you can teach me to say it as pretty as you do.”  
   “I can.” He smirks.  
   “Piper?”  
   “Like Kate Middleton’s sister?”  
   “That’s Pippa.” I chuckle.  
   “Kathleen?” He suggest, though I don’t see it on the list either.  
   “Maybe...” _Kathleen Barba is kind of pretty..._  
   “You know we don’t have to decide right now.” He teases.  
   “I know.” I smile, opening the notes app and creating a baby name’s list. Rafael watches as I add Caroline, Grisel, and Kathleen to it. I pause before adding Isla as well and he lightly chuckles.  
   Rafael’s phone rings as we pull up to the baby store. “Hey Liv. Yeah, no it’s ok we’ve left the doctor. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”  
   “They must have made progress this morning.” I sigh.  
   “You should still shop... look around at least.” He smiles.  
   “You’re good with white and lilac?”  
   “I am.”  
   “Go be Barba,” I smirk, “I’ll meet Rafael back at home.”  
   “Be careful and use the car service.”  
   “I will.” I smile, giving him a kiss before climbing out of the car.

   I’ve spent too much money, or at least it feels that way... Technically it’s things we’d have to buy at some point I just didn’t expect to but it all in one day. I haven’t bought any furniture yet because I want Rafael to actually be there to help pick it out, but I have found crib sheets and changing table covers. I may have gone overboard with the amount of baby clothes, but I couldn’t help it... _who knew tiny clothes were so adorable._ I was originally going to pick up some elephants stuffed animals... kind of keep a lilac, white, and gray theme going, but then I saw an adorable stuffed sloth and a sloth mobile and sloth piggy bank and figured lilac, white, and brown would work too.  
   “Maeve?” Rafael calls when he gets home.  
   “Up here!”  
   “Our room or the babies?”  
   “The babies.” I smile, looking around at the little piles of baby things surrounding me as I hear him climb the stairs.  
   “We need furniture so we have a place to put everything.” He chuckles sitting in the floor next to me.  
   “Maybe we go shopping and see what we like this weekend.”  
   “If not this weekend next...”He sighs.  
   “Do I want to know?”  
   “I just have a feeling this wont be an easy case.”  
   “Did they make an arrest?”  
   “They don’t even have a suspect yet.”  
   “Then why’d Liv call you?”  
   “Liv will catch you up in the morning. Let’s remain here tonight.” Rafael smiles, holding up the stuffed sloth I’ve purchased.  
   “He’s cute, isn’t he?” I grin.

   I arrive at the precinct a few minutes later than I’m scheduled, traffic was terrible and Rafael needed to be at work on time so I ended up being late.  
   “Morning Maeve. How was your day off?” Carisi smiles as I take my seat at my desk.  
   “It was a really good day.” I smile.  
   “You hang out with your boyfriend?”  
   “I did.” I chuckle. _Most of the day anyway..._  
   “What did that ex you mentioned do for a living?” Nick questions rather randomly.  
   “David?”  
   “Don’t you only have the one?” He smirks.  
   I roll my eyes. “David’s a Cardiothoracic Surgeon now, he was still in med school when we dated... Why?”  
   “So you’re attracted to intelligent men?”  
   “It would seem so.” I smile, watching him add intelligent to the board.  
   “Is that even someone we could actually figure out?” Rollins interjects from her desk while waving at the board.  
   “I can promise you’ve heard his name before.” I chuckle.  
   “Is he a doctor?” Carisi asks.  
   “Nope.”  
   Liv arrives and we move on to the actual case we’re working, spending a few minutes to catch me up. It doesn’t actually take too long, they had needed Barba to gain access to some of Carly’s school records, but nothing really braking in the case came from it.  
   “So she seems to have left home willingly?” I question.  
   “There’s no sign of anyone taking her by force.” Fin replies.  
   “And she seemed happy at home?”  
   “As far as the people we’ve talked to say, but you know teenagers...” Nick says.  
   “Was she talking to anyone online?”  
   “You think she might have been talking to the person who did this to her online and gone willingly with them?” Rollins questions.  
   “The perils of talking to people on the internet... you never know who you’re really talking to.”  
   “I’ll call Mr. Ballard and see if Carly had a computer.” Rollins says as she picks up the phone.  
   “She’s a sixteen year old girl... even if she doesn’t have a computer she has access to one.” Nick adds.

   Mr. Ballard enters the bullpen less than an hour later and hands Carly’s laptop to Rollins, then takes a seat in an empty chair as Rollins digs into Carly’s email and chat history. I’m reading through everything we have on the case so far when Barba joins us.  
   “Anything new?” He asks, hovering next to my desk.  
   “I don’t know what you already know.” I smile.  
   He rolls his eyes and turns to Carisi.  
   “Not since yesterday. We’re trying to see if anything on Carly’s computer can help.”  
   “I have an email conversation between Carly and someone using the name Dusty.” Rollins says from her desk. “The email this Dusty guy uses is encrypted, but the conversation goes back for months.”  
   “You think that’s him? The one who took her.” Mr. Ballard interjects, standing and walking toward us.  
   “Mr. Ballard...” Liv walks over to him, gently asking him to let us work and that we will call when we know something. He reluctantly leaves when she walks him to the elevator.  
   “What does their email conversation include?” Liv asks.  
   “Your typical teenage correspondence... angst and the idealistic view on everlasting love.” Rollins scoffs. “They make plans to meet, but the details aren’t in these emails.”  
   “Send the computer to TARU and have them go through her phone records as well.” Liv states.  
   Vzzzzt... “Lunch?” Rafael is still standing right next to me...  
   “As long as it’s quick, a deli or something... I did take yesterday off.” I quickly type and send back to him.  
   Vzzzzt... “I know and Liv owes me... I was supposed to get to spend the whole day with you.”  
   “Why are you smiling at your phone, Barba? Are you actually seeing someone?” Rollins smirks.   
   He rolls his eyes and puts his phone away without bothering to answer her.


	17. Chapter 17

 

   TARU found multiple phone calls between Carly and a burner, and they have managed to trace one of her phones last locations to a coffee shop. Nick and I are heading there to see if anyone recognizes Carly.  
   “If we actually figure out who you’re dating you’d tell us right?” Nick asks.  
   “Of course, why wouldn’t I?”  
   “You said he wanted to keep things private... I just didn’t want to put you in a weird spot or anything.”  
   “Oh, he doesn’t care anymore. If you guys hadn’t made such a big deal out of figuring it out I’d have told you who he is already.” I chuckle.  
   “You can tell me... let the others keep wondering.” He smiles.  
   I laugh and shake my head. “I promise you’ll be the first to know when I finally decide you’re never going to figure it out.” _Well... first after Liv anyway..._  
   Nick holds the door for me when we enter the coffee shop, giving me an amused smile when I smirk at him.  
   “What can I get you?” The girl working the register asks.  
   “Do you recognize this girl?” Nick ask showing her a picture of Carly.  
   “No, but I only work like ten hours a week, you should ask Derek. He’s here like all the time.” She’s pointed at a tall guy not much older than her who’s making coffee orders.  
   “Hey Derek,” the girl calls, trading places with him so he can talk to us.  
   “Yeah?” He says, wiping his hands on a towel and moving towards us.  
   “Have you seen this girl in here, maybe three days ago?” I ask showing him the picture.    
   He looks at it for a minute. “So many people come through here each day...” he sighs, “the owner monitors the place with camera’s if you want to look through the history.”  
   We follow Derek to a back office and he pulls up the live video feed. “The hard drive stores everything for a month...” He shows us how the software works and leaves us to see what we can find as he returns to the front counter.  
   Nick is scanning backwards starting with the day Carly’s dad reported her missing.  
   “Wait, what was that?” I think I see Carly but it’s moving so fast I can’t be sure.  
   Nick stops and lets it play. It’s definitely Carly picking up her drink from the bar. Now that we know a time frame we search through every camera to see if we can find who she’s with.  
   “There.” Nick says pausing the video. It’s a clear shot of a guy that looks to be about the same age as Carly.  
   “He’s just a kid?” I scoff, furrowing my brow.  
   “She might have been more willing to go off with someone her age... maybe he was bait,” he shrugs, “we need to find out who he is.”  
   Nick gets Derek and we pull everything we have with Carly and the guy she met up with onto an external drive.  
   “Do you recognize him?” I ask, pulling the guy she met back up on the screen.  
   “Yeah, that’s Dusty... well Leonard Dustin... he goes by Dusty. He lives a few blocks from here and comes in a lot.”  
   “Do you know his address?”  
   “Sorry, no.” Derek shrugs.  
   Nick is on the phone with Liv seeing if she can get an address on Dusty when I notice him walking toward us. I gently nudge Nick and gesture.  
   “He’s walking this way now, we’ll bring him in.” Nick says.

   Dusty comes in willingly, seeming to want to help find out what happened to Carly.  
   “Are these your emails?” I ask handing him a copy of the ones we’ve found on Carly’s computer.  
   “Yes. Carly and I met up for coffee for the first time a few days ago, but have been talking online for months now. Is she really dead?” He says, barely glancing at them.  
   “Did Carly leave with you?” Nick asks, ignoring his question.  
   “We left the coffee shop together, but went our separated ways once we reached the subway entrance.”  
   “Ok, street cams can verify that...” Nick states.  
   “I walked her to the train.” Dusty adds.  
   “Sure, any gentleman would... We should still see you return to street level at some point.” Nick smiles.  
   “I caught a different train.”  
   “Where to?” I ask.  
   “The public library.”  
   “The main branch?”  
   “Yes.”  
   “Did you check out anything?” Nick asks.  
   “No.”  
   “That’s a shame... They’d have record of that.” Nick adds.  
   “Am I under arrest?”  
   “No, we’re just trying to piece together Carly’s last few days...” Nick replies, both of us standing when there’s a knock on the glass.  
   “Unless he’s an emancipated sixteen year old you need a parent here to continue.” Barba states when we enter Liv’s office.  
   “I’ll call.” Nick grumbles, making his way back into interrogation to get a number for Dusty’s parents.  
   “Do you want me to call your mom or dad?” Nick asks, pushing a pad of paper in front of Dusty.  
   “My dad,” Dusty says, jotting the number down for him, “she’s really hot.”  
   “Who is?”  
   “That chick detective, you hitting that?”  
   “You know she can hear you, right?” Nick says, gesturing to the mirror we’re watching through.    
   Dusty shrugs and looks directly at me through the glass and while I know he can’t actually see me it’s still unsettling.  
   “You think he has any kind of juvie record?” I mutter, already hating this kid.  
   “I’ll get Fin to look into it.” Liv quickly leaves her office and I feel Rafael take my hand in his causing me softly smile up at him. He smirks slightly and tugs me a bit closer, though not close enough... _it’s never close enough_ , both of us jumping slightly our hands separating when Nick pulls the door to Liv’s office open again.  
   “Where’s Liv?” Nick asks.  
   “Bullpen.” I smile, following him out of her office.

   Dusty’s father shows up a half hour or so later, Buchanan in tow.  
   “I assume you haven’t been talking with my client.” Buchanan states.  
   “Lawyered up already?” Barba huffs.  
   “You can never be too cautious when your sixteen year old son is being questioned by the police.” Frank, Dusty’s father mutters.  
   Nick takes Buchanan and Frank to interrogation, joining Barba, Liv, and I in Liv’s office as Buchanan speaks with Dusty and his father.  
   “Does he look scared to you?” I ask, watching Dusty facial expressions as he tells Buchanan his side of things.  
   “Not really...” Nick shrugs, “maybe he really just met her for coffee.”  
   “No... it’s different than that. He looks smug, like he thinks he’s going to get away with something. I mean what kind of sixteen year old gets brought in by the cops, questioned, and isn’t at least a little scared even if they are innocent.” I say, mostly thinking out loud.  
   “Is this about Carly’s case? Did you arrest someone?” Mr. Ballard questions from Liv’s door leading to the bullpen.  
   Liv turns to him and walks him out before he can see what’s happening in interrogation. “We’re just talking with someone who had coffee with her.”  
   “But she said...” He’s gestured at me.  
   “Detective Walsh was just thinking out loud. We’re only questioning him to see what he knows right now.”  
   “But...”  
   “If you’ll wait where we talked last time, I do have a few questions for you. See if any names sound familiar or if you recognize anyone.” Liv says and Mr. Ballard nods.  
   “Sorry.” I sigh when she returns closing her office door behind her.  
   “Don’t be, I should have shut the door. You’re right, there’s something off about his behavior.”  
   “I’ll get a warrant to search his house.” Barba says starting to make the call.  
   “Can you get one with this little to go on?” Nick asks.  
   “Watch me.” Barba smirks.  
   “You know I’m going to remember that.” Liv chuckles and Rafael gives her a humored little half smile.

   Buchanan motions for us to return around the same time Barba receives the warrant.  
   “We’ve got a warrant to search your house Mr. Dustin, would you like to be there when we do?” Nick asks as we enter.  
   “Go ahead Frank, I’ve got Dusty.” Buchanan nods.  
   “Detectives Carisi, and Rollins will meet you there.” Nick informs him as he exits.  
   “So you went to the library after meeting Carly for coffee?” I ask, picking up where we left off earlier.  
   “Actually...” Dusty hesitates and Buchanan nods for him to continue, “Carly and I went to the park and hooked up...”  
   “You had sex.” Nick clarifies.  
   “Yes, but she wanted to. I didn’t say anything before because I didn’t think it looked very good.” He shrugs.  
   “And after you had sex?” I ask.  
   “I left.”  
   “You just left her in the park” Nick says.  
   “No we both left. She said she had to get home before her dad noticed she was gone.”  
   “Did you walk her out of the park?” I ask.  
   “No. Our subway stops were at different entrances. I tried calling a day or so later but she didn’t answer so I assumed she wasn’t interested in more than what we did.” Dusty shrugs again.  
   “Why use a burner phone?” Nick questions. We have no record of the two talking from his phone number, but there is a missed call on the day her body was found from the burner number that she talked to multiple times.  
   “I didn’t want my dad to know who I was talking to, he goes through my phone...”  
   “Would he have had a problem with Carly?” I ask.  
   “No. He just wants me to stay on track. Spend more time on my school work than girls you know.”  
   “You have an answer for everything.” Nick huffs.  
   “My client is being cooperative.” Buchanan interjects, half scolding Nick with his tone.  
   “We need to know your whereabouts for the last few days.” Nick states passing a notepad to Dusty.  
   “You want me to detail every hour of every day?”  
   “To the best you can remember.” Nick replies, both of us leaving to let Buchanan and him work.

   “Where’s Mr. Ballard?” Liv asks as we exit her office. The interview room where she had asked him to wait is empty.  
   Fin shrugs.  
   “What did you find on Dusty?” She sighs.  
   “Lots of complaints from neighbors in his building... he’s been accused of everything from just making them feel uncomfortable and petty theft to being involved in the disappearance of a few of the residence pets.” Fins says.  
   “Does he have a record?” I ask.  
   “It’s sealed.”  
   “I’ll see what I can do.” Barba steps aways from us to make a call.  
   “He’s also sees the school counselor monthly as well as a psychiatrist once a week.” Fin adds.  
   “Sounds like a sociopath...” I mutter.  
   “Except they don’t make that diagnosis in minors...” Nick says.

   We’re still waiting in the bullpen for Buchanan and Dusty to finish listing where he’s been for the last few days. Something that shouldn’t take this long if you’re just writing down your day from memory.  
   “Mr. Ballard, Thanks for coming back in.” Liv says when he walks back in the bullpen.  
   “Yeah, sorry... I just needed to clear my head. Is your suspect still here?” Mr. Ballard asks.  
   “He’s with his lawyer,” Liv replies, “Why don’t we talk in interview.”  
   Mr. Ballard nods and follows Liv into the room, both of them sitting at the table as she goes over what we have so far with him.  
   “Here’s everything Dusty can remember doing over the last few days. I’m going to take him home now unless you’ve got something to hold him on.” Buchanan states, handing the notepad to Nick.  
   “Is that him?” Mr. Ballard huffs, barreling out of the interview room.  
   “Mr. Ballard!” Liv calls after him.  
   He ignores her and continues toward Dusty. “Did you hurt Carly?”  
   “Who the hell is this?” Dusty smirks and Buchanan gives him a look as he places a hand on his shoulder.  
   “Who the hell am I? Who the hell are you?” Mr. Ballard scoffs, pulling a gun out. I’m not sure how he’s managed to get it in the station, the entrances are monitored with metal detectors... but here he is, unhinged and waving it around.  
   “Mr. Ballard...” Liv says calmly. She standing closest to him, Rafael and Fin not far from her... Nick and I are much closer to Buchanan and Dusty.  
   “No. I need to know. Did you hurt Carly?” Mr. Ballard continues, pointing the gun towards Dusty.  
   “I only gave her what she wanted.” Dusty smiles.  
   “Dusty, please...” Buchanan whispers.  
   “You killed her didn’t you?” Mr. Ballard snaps.  
   This time Dusty doesn’t say anything, just stares at Carly’s dad an amused little smile on his face.  
   “Mr. Ballard, please... this isn’t the way.” Liv coaxes, moving closer to him.  
   “No!” He barks, firing a round in the air, “I have to know if he killed my baby.”  
    Everyone crouches lower as the gun goes off but the bullet must ricochet, because I’m now lying on the floor of the bullpen struggling to breath while chaos ensues around me.  
   “I’m sorry... I didn’t... I just wanted to scare him...” I can hear Mr. Ballard mumbling as Liv and Fin detain him.  
   “Buchanan...” I hear Carisi’s voice calling him and Dusty to a different area of the bullpen... He and Rollins must have returned in the middle of everything.  
   “Maeve?” Nick says and I look up at him coughing as I try to take too deep of a breath, the cough is wet and taste of metal. “Jesus...” I hear him mutter and feel pressure being applied to my chest.  
   “Raf...” I’ve gasped more than spoken but I know he’s here somewhere and I want to see him.  
   “Don’t try to talk, Maeve...” Nick says, and I hear Rollins calling for a bus. It feels like forever has passed, but it’s probably more along the lines of a few seconds. I’m short of breath and feel dizzy, like I’ve stood up to quickly.  
   “Raf...” I try again and it sounds a bit more like Raf this time.  
   “I’m here Maeve... I’m here.” Rafael croaks, taking my hand in his and lifting it toward his face. I lightly run my fingers along his lips, closing my eyes for a moment to blink tears away.  
   Nick glances between the two of us while continuing to hold pressure on the wound.  
   “I...” I gasp again, opening my eyes to look at Rafael.  
   “I love you too.” He weeps, leaning down closer to me.  
   “Where the hell is that bus?” Nick yells.  
   “They’re on the elevator.” I hear Rollins call back.  
   I feel a bit of relief that they’re so close and then I remember the baby.  
   “Raf...” I wheeze, trying to get his attention.  
   “What is it?” He frets, his eyes bouncing between mine.  
   I tug his hand to my stomach... I’m feeling extremely weak now and I need him to tell the paramedics... I need them to know so they don’t give me something that can harm the baby... So they have someone monitor the baby during surgery...  
   “I’ll tell them...” He nods, his hand flattening out over my stomach.  
   I’m blinking rapidly, desperately trying to keep myself conscious. _Where are the paramedics... Shouldn’t they be up the elevator by now?_ Not that I have any concept of time, just Rafael’s sad eyes desperately looking into mine. I’m starting to fade when I feel myself being shifted and see Nicks hands, covered in blood, lifting away form me. Rafael is pushed back too and the last thing I hear before I lose consciousness is Rafael’s voice. “She’s five months pregnant.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry... I’m really really sorry. I promise I waited until I had the next chapter halfway finished before I posted this. I also will not work on any other stories until I’ve posted the next chapter.


	18. Chapter 18

 

   “Did he just say she’s pregnant?” Rollins questions as they watch Barba follow the paramedics out of the bullpen.  
   Fin and Liv are each still holding one of Josh Ballard’s arms, his hands cuffed behind his back. Carisi and Rollins, closer to the exit with Buchanan and Dusty. Nick standing next to a small puddle of blood, his clothes spotted and hands coated.  
   “Nick go get cleaned up.” Liv states.  
   “But...”  
   “We need to wrap up a few things, then we’ll go to the hospital... you’ve got time.” Liv assures him.  
   Nick nods and heads to the locker room.  
   “I didn’t mean...” Mr. Ballard starts.  
   “Now’s not the time.” Fin says, walking him to holding.  
   “That hot detective’s sleeping with the lawyer?” Dusty snorts and Buchanan smacks him on the back of the head, indicating more familiarity between them than was previously assumed.  
   “Buchanan, don’t let your client go too far.” Liv states.  
   Buchanan nods and pushes Dusty towards the elevator.  
   “Maeve and Barba?” Carisi whispers.  
   “Carisi, help Fin get Josh Ballard booked, we’ll deal with him once we know how Maeve is. Rollins, let CSU know to send their findings from Dusty’s home to my email since we’ll be at the hospital.” Liv orders, before moving back to her office to text Barba that they would be up there soon.

   Nick sits at Maeve’s desk while he waits for the others to finish the task they’ve been given.  
   “Did you know?” Rollins asks, the first to join him.  
   “That she was dating Barba? No...” Nick sighs.  
   “I thought she said they met in a bar.” Rollins states.  
   “They did,” Liv says as she exits her office, “before she started working with us.”  
   “Transport will be here in twenty minutes.” Carisi announces, both he and Fin returning to the bullpen.  
   “You knew?” Nick asks, his question directed toward Liv.  
   “They disclosed... maybe four months ago.” Liv replies.  
   “That’s what all that stuff with IAB and Dodds was about?” Carisi inquires, his brow furrowed.  
   Liv nods. “I’m going to go up there... sit with Barba. You guys join once Ballard’s picked up.”  
   Rollins leans back in her chair. “Barba’s going to be a dad...” She’s says this more to herself than anything.  
   “I can’t even begin to process that yet. I’m still trying to figure out how Barba picked Maeve up at a bar.” Carisi exhales, causing the others to chuckle softly.  
   “She is really pretty.” Rollins smiles.  
   “Like you and Liv aren’t easy on the eyes.” Fin smirks.  
   Rollins rolls her eyes. “Maeve’s like a Margot Robbie, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz kind of pretty.”  
   “You do realize the women you’ve mentioned look nothing alike.” Nick chuckles.  
   “It’s just an intense kind of pretty.” Rollins smirks.  
   “I think Maeve initiated things with him...” Nick says thinking out loud.  
   “I thought you didn’t know.” Rollins cocks an eyebrow at him.  
   “I didn’t, but that case we worked with the guy drugging women at the bar... Maeve got a lot of attention. She didn’t exactly seem to enjoy it so I asked how her boyfriend managed to pick her up at a bar. She said he laughed at something she said while on the phone, then apologized and started working again... that she initiated the conversation and they talked until the bar closed.”  
   “Ok... I get that she met Barba before she started working with us, but I’m a little surprised that once they discovered they worked together Barba didn’t cut it off. He’s a little tightly wound when it comes to work.” Rollins says.  
   “Maybe they had already slept together.” Carisi offers.  
   “I doubt that...” Nick shakes his head.  
   “Why?” Fin questions.  
   Nick glances at the other detectives. “I just get the impression that she isn’t the type to take someone she doesn’t know home.” He shrugs, not really wanting to divulge the things she’s told him about her past relationships.  
   “She could have done a lot worse,” Rollins chuckles, “my one night stands never turn into relationships... of course they’re also never as stable as Barba either...”  
   “You have terrible taste in men.” Nick smirks.  
   Rollins cuts her eyes at him but smiles.  
   “She’s going to be ok, right?” Carisi’s voice is soft, the impact of his words heavy, pulling them all out of their brief reprieve from the seriousness of the situation. No one responds because no one has knows the answer.

   Liv finds Rafael sitting hunched over in a chair in the waiting room, his elbows resting on his knees, a hand supporting his head, his gaze transfixed on the ground in front of him. There’s a small stuffed animal clutched in the hand not supporting his head.  
   “Rafa...”  
   “Hey Liv.” He exhales, pulling himself to sit upright the animal coming to rest in his lap and she notices it’s a sloth.  
   Liv refrains from asking about the stuffed animal... despite being curious. “Any word on Maeve?”  
   “She’s in surgery. They have a neonatal surgeon monitoring the baby... I’ve looked up both surgeons, they’re top of their fields...”  
   “You gotta love living in New York, huh?” She smiles and Rafael lets out a soft chuckle as he nods.  
   They sit in silence for a moment before Liv speaks again. “How are you?”  
   “I’ve been better.”  
   Liv lifts the sloth up slightly so the face is looking at Rafael, but not removed from his lap. “The gift shop had one...” He states, almost seeming to be in his own world. It doesn’t exactly clarify why he’s holding it, but she doesn’t ask either, setting the sloth back in his lap and continues to sit quietly next to him.  
   “I can’t lose her...” His voice is breathy and he’s still not completely in the present.  
   “Rafael... you haven’t lost her and until they tell you otherwise I will not let you think that you have.”   
   He turns to look at her, his eyes filling with tears as his bottom lip pushes up. He blinks once, clearing the liquid and looks toward the ceiling before pinching his eyes shut again.  
   Liv rest her hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at her. “Understood?”  
   Rafael nods, sucking his bottom lip in, trapping it between his teeth as he steadies his breathing.

   “Jesus...” Rollins whispers as they approach Liv and Barba in the waiting room. Barba had returned to the position he was in when Liv arrived, except now both hands were gripped into his hair, the sloth tucked somewhere in his lap.  
   “How is she?” Nick asks as they take the available seats around Liv and Barba.  
   “She’s still in surgery... they haven’t given us an update.” Liv states while Barba doesn’t bother to move.  
   They sit in silence, none of them knowing what to say. Twenty minutes pass before Barba finally moves, sitting upright again, wiping his eyes, and running his hands through his hair. “I can’t think about what’s happening anymore.”  
   “Ok...” Liv says, racking her brain for something they can talk about to distract him.  
   “What’s with the sloth?” Carisi asks and Liv glares at him, having hoped to talk about something unrelated to Maeve.  
   “Maeve bought a bunch of them for the babies room...” Barba smiles, “I thought it was a sign the gift shop had one so I picked it up for her.” He’s picked the stuffed animal back up and almost petted it’s head.  
   “That’s right... you’ve moved in together.” Nick says.  
   “Two months ago...” Barba sighs, not looking forward to the idea of sleeping alone, though his brain will only entertain the idea of Maeve being stuck in the hospital.  
   “Wait... so that whole bagel incident... she really was pregnant?” Carisi blurts.  
   “Processing the baby thing now?” Fin chuckles.  
   “Neither of us knew it yet, but yes.” Barba says.  
   “So you two met at a bar before she started working with us?” Rollins questions, furrowing her brow.  
   “We did.”  
   “Did you spend the weekend together or something?” Rollins continues.  
   “Not even close, Liv called me to the precinct cutting our evening short, why?” Barba asks.  
   “You just don’t strike me as the type to mix your personal life with work after one conversation at a bar.” Rollins shrugs.  
   “I thought Maeve said you closed the bar down.” Nick states, almost coming off like an overprotective brother.  
   “Liv called after we left the bar...” Barba replies, turning a light shade of pink.  
   “Maeve did take you home?” Rollins grins.  
   “It wasn’t like that...” Barba smiles, the memory of Maeve sitting next to him at the bar, that whole evening flooding his head, “I’ve never felt... never mind.” The eyes staring back at him seemed much too eager to hear his response.  
   “Chicken.” Rollins teases.  
   “I didn’t want to stop talking to her.” Barba sighs.  
   “And I’m guessing you can be pretty charming when you want to.” Rollins smiles.  
   Barba smirks, but doesn’t say anything. Talking about Maeve was helping... it wasn’t taking his mind off what was happening, but thinking about happier times with her was preventing him from dwelling on the current reality.

   “Rafael?” Barba looks up to see a man younger than him, dressed in scrubs walking toward them.  
   “Yes.”  
   Fin moves out of the seat next to Barba, allowing the man to sit. “I’m Dr. Williams, one of the residence on Maeve’s surgery. Dr. Burkhart has removed the bullet and repaired the lung, he’s finishing up now and Maeve will be moved to recovery soon.”  
   “She’s ok then?” Barba asks.  
   “Barring any complications.” Dr. Williams states.  
   “And the baby?”  
   “Has maintained a strong heartbeat through the whole surgery.” Dr. Williams smiles.  
   “Ok...” Barba breathes, “when can I see her?”  
   “I’ll come get you once she’s moved to recovery, the others can join you when we get her assigned to a room.”  
   “Ok...” Barba nods.  
   “She’s going to be ok.” Liv smiles after Dr. Williams leaves.  
   “Barring any complications...” Barba grumbles at his feet.  
   “Rafael.” Liv says sternly so he’ll look at her, “Maeve’s not going anywhere.”    
   He exhales and nods, taking a few breaths while forcing himself to except the positive report he’s been given.  
   Liv’s phone buzzes and Barba glances at her.  
   “Just CSU’s report from Dusty’s house.” She shrugs, putting the phone away.  
   “You can work the case if you need.”  
   “The case can wait.” Liv smiles, giving his thigh a pat.  
   “Great...” Barba mutters.  
   “What?”  
   “I must look like a wreck if you’re patting my thigh.” He chuckles.  
   “Your hair is really disheveled... it’s a bit unsettling considering how put together you normally are.” Rollins interjects.  
   Barba rolls his eyes and lightly chuckles. “What other questions do you have?”  
   “We can ask anything?” Rollins smile is a little too big.  
   “Anything Maeve won’t kill me if I answer.” Barba smirks.  
   “Why hide your relationship?” Nick asks.  
   “At first, because it was new and we were still figuring everything out. Everybody knowing would have just complicated things.”  
   “How so?” Carisi questions.  
   Barba gestures at the people around him and the conversation they were having. “Detectives are nosy.”  
   “Ok, but why keep it secret after you disclosed?” Nick adds.  
   Barba laughs. “Maeve wanted to see if you’d ever figure it out... I mean that board all but had my name written on it. She had planned to tell you once she started showing.”  
   “You’re going to be a dad.” Fin states.  
   “Yeah... the reality of that hasn’t quite hit me yet.” Barba smiles, holding the sloth a bit tighter.  
   “Do you know what you’re having?” Rollins asks.  
   “A girl.” Barba says, his smile growing larger.  
   “No it hasn’t hit you at all.” Liv chuckles.

   “I can take you back now.” Dr. Williams says, interrupting their conversation.  
   Rafael nods and stands, following the man through a maze of hallways.  
   Dr. Williams stops them outside of Maeve’s room. “I need to warn you that she looks worse than she is. We’ve put her on a ventilator to ensure she and the baby are getting enough oxygen, our hope is to remove it in a few hours, though it may remain overnight. In the mean time, she’s been given something to make her more comfortable so she’ll be in a out of it. She also has a chest tube which is attached to suction device you’ll hear occasionally, this is to evacuate air and any residual blood or other fluids from the chest cavity. Once the lung heals enough to stay inflated on it’s own, anywhere from a few days to a week, we’ll remove it as well. You’ll also notice two heart rate monitors, one is for the baby. You ready?”  
   Rafael nods and follows Dr. Williams into the room.   
   Maeve is laid back in the hospital bed, attached to more wires and tubes than Rafael anticipated, even with the doctors warning.  
   “Maeve...” He exhales and her eyes blink open, finding his.  
   “Dr. Burkhart will be by shortly to go over her surgery with you.” Dr. Williams adds as he exits the room leaving Rafael alone with Maeve.  
   He moves closer to the bed and takes her hand in his, smiling when she gently squeezes it. “Just rest ok?”  
   Maeve blinks up at him and tugs his hand to her stomach.  
   “The baby is fine.” Rafael smiles gesturing with his eyes to the monitor displaying the baby’s heart rate well into the one forty’s.  
   Maeve relaxes slightly and squeezes his hand again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I switched out of first person for this chapter, I hope it’s not weird... I thought about switching back at the end with Barba and Maeve, but I felt that really would be weird.


	19. Chapter 19

 

   I know I’ve been going in and out of consciousness. I also know that every time I’ve opened my eyes Rafael has been next to the bed, sometimes sitting, sometimes standing, but always next to the bed. I’ve heard Liv’s voice and I’m pretty sure Nick’s, so assume they’ve all been here at some point.  
   “Hey, Raf.” I smile, cringing as I shift in the bed.  
   “You’re awake.” He smiles back, pulling his chair closer and taking my hand in his.  
   “Have I not been... I feel like I have been...”  
   “You’ve been in and out a bit. The medication they gave you to make you comfortable while on the vent must have finally worn off.”  
   “The vent?” I smile, I know he’s referencing the ventilator... it’s what David always referred to it when I helped him study, I just find it humorous that he’s picked up their lingo.  
   “I’ve heard them call it that more than ventilator.” He chuckles.  
   “How long ago did they take me off?”  
   “Maybe an hour.”  
   “How long was I on it?”  
   “A couple hours.” He smiles.  
_Good not too long..._ “What time is it?” He’s still wearing his suit from earlier... at least parts of it. The tie, vest, and jacket are missing, his sleeves are rolled up, and top button undone. I’m assuming it’s late considering it was close to lunch time when Mr. Ballard returned to the precinct with a gun.  
   “One AM.”  
   “Rafael... you should have gone home and gotten some sleep.”  
   “There was no way I was letting you wake up alone.” He smirks.  
   “You can go home and sleep now if you want.” I really don’t want him to leave, but he still has work in the morning.  
   “The nurse assures me the couch is comfortable.”  
   “I can promise you it’s not.” I chuckle, wincing as I do. “I’ll be fine if you need to sleep in your bed.”  
   “Our bed,” he corrects, “and I’m fine here.”  
   “You still have work.”  
   “I can work from here. Carmen is sending things over in the morning.”  
   I don’t have the energy or quite frankly the desire to argue with him so I let it go. “What’s that?” I smile, noticing the tiny sloth sitting at the foot of my bed for the first time.  
   Rafael grins and picks the sloth up, handing it to me. “I couldn’t sit still when they first took you back so I walked the halls. This little guy was sitting in the window of the gift shop... I hadn’t even noticed the gift shop at fist just the little sloth. I thought maybe he was a sign or something, so I bought him to give you when you woke up.”  
   “Can I keep him in our room?”  
   “Like on the bed?” Rafael scoffs.  
   “He’d be cute there.” I grin, mostly because I know he’s not a fan of this idea, not because that had been my original intent.  
   “Uh...” _Oh... he won’t... but he really wants to say no..._ I know that if I hadn’t just been shot he wouldn’t hesitate to roll his eyes and tell me what he really thought... of course we wouldn’t be having this conversation either...  
   “How about he lives on that cream colored chair until the babies born and then we can move him in there to watch over her.” I smile running my hand through his hair.  
   “He can sleep in this bed with you.” He chuckles.  
   “I guess that’ll have to do.”  
   “If you really want...”  
   Rafael is seriously about to concede to the tiny sloth living in our bed so I interrupted him... “I meant he’ll have to do since you can’t exactly sleep in this bed with me.”  
   He breaths out a chuckle and pulls himself up to kiss me.

   “Great, you’re awake.” The nurse says as she enters the room. “I’m Kayla, your nurse until seven, then Gail will be back, Rafael has already met her. How are you feeling?”  
   “Sore.” I chuckle, wincing again. _I have to stop doing that..._  
   She listens to my breathing for a bit and checks my vitals. “Your lungs sound good considering... How does it feel when you breath?”  
   “It hurts if I take too deep of a breath, but it’s not too bad otherwise.”  
   “Do you feel short of breath?”  
   “A little...”  
   She gives me a pointed look so I answer a bit more honestly. “It doesn’t feel like I can really take a full breath, like someone’s sitting on my chest.”  
   “I’ll let Respiratory Therapy know. They’ll be by in the morning to begin deep breathing exercises with you.”  
   “Ok.” I nod.  
   “I’m going to help you move to a chair. I don’t want you up moving around without a nurse helping you, but you need to sit up for a while to help prevent DVT and PE.”  
   She starts helping me out of the bed and into a chair not far from the one Rafael had been sitting in, enlisting his help with my IV and other tubes still attached to me.  
   “DVT and PE?” Rafael asks, once I’m settled.  
   “Deep venous thrombosis, clots in the leg veins, and pulmonary embolus, when those clots break free and travel to the lungs.” She clarifies.  
   “And this will prevent that?” He asks.  
   “It helps.” Kayla replies.  
   While I know she can’t tell him a hundred percent that it will prevent them... doctors and nurses never do that... I kind of wish she had worded it differently... The look on his face is heartbreaking.  
   “I’m fine Raf.” I smile, squeezing his hand.  
   “Do you need anything?” Kayla asks.  
   “Water... and I’m a little hungry.”  
   “I’ll get some crackers and broth for you to eat. We’ll see how you do with that before moving you on to something more substantial.”  
   “I’m definitely not leaving now.” Rafael grumbles after Kayla leaves.  
   “Someone’s going to have to get my toothbrush.” I chuckle, immediately regretting it as pain radiates through my chest.  
   “I’ll send Liv to pick things up for both of us when she stops by in the morning.” He smirks.

   I’ve been in the hospital for three days now... I’m going a bit stir crazy. I’ve been doing RT and my lungs already feel stronger, they said they’d probably remove my chest tube later today. I’m super excited for that. It means I can start PT and getting my strength back... and that means I’ll be able to move out of bed without calling for a nurse soon... and then I can go home. _I’m so ready to go home..._  
   Rafael has set up a makeshift office in my hospital room. It’s rather ridiculous. The couch is made up as a bed and his work files and papers are in neat little stacks, while he spends most of his day on the phone siting in his pj’s in the middle of everything.  
   “If you think unsealing his record is more prejudice than probative you’re going to have to give me a reason... and if it shows pattern of behavior then you’re obligated to unseal it.” Rafael huffs at whoever he’s on the phone with.  
   Kayla, my nurse, is back and she gives me a curious look while side eyeing the man in pajamas with disheveled hair grumbling into his phone.  
   “And that would be Rafael the prosecutor,” I chuckle, “we mostly refer to him as Barba... He’s usually dressed better.”  
   “Remind me to take extremely good care of you.” She smirks.  
   “Are they still taking this out today?” I ask, lifting the last tube, other than my IV, attaching me to something.  
   “That’s the plan,” she smiles, “Dr. Burkhart should be by shortly.”  
   “When can I lose the IV?”  
   “Once this last round of antibiotics is through and the chest tube is out.”  
   “Fantastic.” I smile. I’m ready to have mobility back.  
   “Our we interrupting?” Rollins smiles as she and Nick enter my room.  
   “Not at all.” Kayla’s still taking my vitals but I don’t care if they see my blood pressure or temperature being taken.  
   Nick and Rollins give Rafael a once over as he talks on the phone to someone new while holding up a finger, gesturing for them to give him a minute.  
   “That’s just not right...” Nick says shaking his head.  
   “At least it sounds like Barba...” Rollins quips and even Kayla who barely knows Rafael chuckles.  
   “When are they letting you out of here?” Nick asks.  
   “Once physical therapy signs off on me.” I sigh, I haven’t even started PT yet.  
   “What do you have for me?” Rafael questions, motioning them over as he gets off the phone.  
   Rollins hands him a file. “There’s a list of people from Dusty’s building that he’s either stolen something from or made threatening remarks to, and one who has video of Dusty trying to torment her dog.”  
   “We also have the ME and CSU’s report in there. The DNA on Carly matches Dusty and we found her necklace in his room. Her dad said she wore it everyday and you can see it in the footage from the coffee shop they met at.” Nick adds.  
   “That’s good... that puts her wearing it the last time anyone saw her alive.” Rafael nods.  
   “The ME report indicates that she was tortured for a couple days...” Rollins says.  
   “Not exactly something he could do in a public park.” Nick states.  
   “Find out if his father owns any property... I’ll get you a warrant.”  
   “We did...” Nick sighs.  
   “And?”  
   “He doesn’t, but Buchanan does... A few rental properties.” Rollins replies.  
   “What does Buchanan have to do with this?”  
   “Dusty’s his nephew, his sister’s kid.” Nick clarifies.  
   “I’ll see what I can do.” Rafael exhales. “A warrant to Buchanan’s property will be harder to obtain.”  
   “I have faith in you,” Rollins smirks, “even if you do look muddled and unkempt.”  
   “I am never muddled...” Rafael huffs, looking at the stacks surrounding him. “If you can get me something indicating Dusty has had access to Buchanan property in the past, a warrant will be easier to get.”  
   “We’ll see what we can do.” Rollins smiles.  
   The two of them turn to leave as Rafael starts another call.  
   “We’ll talk later...” Nick whispers to me as they pass, motioning with his eyes back to Rafael.  
   “I’m sure we will.” I chuckle. He’s stopped by a few times, but Rafael hasn’t left my room except to go home for a quick shower and to grab a few things each morning. He’s even had food brought in for himself... both of us now that they’re letting me eat normally.

   I’m finally untethered from everything and will start physical therapy this afternoon to make sure I have the strength to walk after barely being allowed to move for four days. I’m sure they mentioned something to do with lung capacity too, but wasn’t completely paying attention.  
   “I have to actually go in to the office for a bit, but I’ll be back this afternoon.” Rafael says as he gathers the things he needs to take with him.  
   “You know you can sleep in our comfortable bed instead of the couch of you want. I’m sure they’ll let me go home soon.” I smile as he kisses me goodbye.  
   “I really don’t want to sleep alone,” he smirks, “even if it means sleeping across the room from you.”  
   “Fine... I like you sleeping here too.” I mean I’m not going to push too hard... I sleep better knowing he’s here. I also really dislike hospitals... it’s not a fear of hospitals. I have no issue being in one as a visitor... I hate being a patient, being confined to a room drives me a little nuts. Rafael being here has helped me keep my sanity... even if he has been on his phone half the time.

   “Finding Anything worth watching?” Nick chuckles from the door as I aimlessly flip through channels on the television. I’m seriously not sure I’m even processing what’s on the channel before I flip passed it anymore.  
   “No... Daytime television is awful.” I mutter.  
   “I brought you lunch.” He’s held up a bag of food.  
   “That was sweet of you.” I smirk, I know he knows Rafael’s at the office.  
   “Liv mentioned something about potatoes when I asked if I could bring you something...”  
   “Bless you!” I smile, all but grabbing the container from him.  
   “It’s roasted potatoes, mashed potatoes, and a baked potato... I didn’t really know which you would prefer.” Nick says, pulling a chair up to my bed and making use of the other side of the overbed table for his own lunch.  
   “All three are perfect.”  
   He chuckles as he watches me shove a large piece of roasted potato into my mouth. “I can’t believe you’re pregnant...”  
   “Really? That’s what you can’t believe?” I laugh.  
   “Barba?”  
   “I love him.” I grin.  
   “Barba?” He repeats.  
   “Yes, Barba.” I chuckle, flicking a potato at him.  
   Nick laughs and catches it, dropping it in the trash. “And you live with him?”  
   “For two months now.”  
   “How’s that?”  
   “It’s pretty perfect actually. We mesh well together... it also helps with our schedules. It’s nice knowing that I’m going home to him at the end of the day, no matter how busy we’ve both been.”  
   “You mesh well?” Nick smirks, “Barba doesn’t exactly seem like the type to be accommodating.” I give him a curious look so he elaborates. “I just mean he seems set in his ways.”  
   “Raf is extremely considerate.” I smile. “He’s not not as intense outside of work, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy work Raf as well.”  
   “Raf?”  
   “You prefer Barba?” I chuckle.  
   “Yes.”  
   “Don’t worry, we’ll still act the same at work.”  
   “You mean like you barely know each other?” Nick smirks, lifting a brow.  
   “Ok, we may act a bit more familiar with each other... I meant we’ll still be professional.”  
   “How’d he take the whole board thing?” Nick asks.  
   “He was only concerned that it bothered me. When we met up after work he suggested telling you guys... I’m the one who laughed and said I wanted to see if you guys could actually figure it out.”  
   “Thanks.”  
   “Would you have ever guessed him?”  
   “Doubtful.” Nick shrugs.  
   “Why?”  
   “It’s Barba...” I furrow my brow so he continues, “he’s just not the type to mix business with...”  
   “Pleasure?” I chuckle.  
   “Yeah... really didn’t want to go there.” He smiles.  
   I smile back and take a bite of my baked potato.  
   “You’re happy?” He asks.  
   “Unbelievably happy.”  
   “I’ve never seen him like that...” Nick says, trailing off a bit.  
   “Like what?”  
   “The way he looked in the waiting room during your surgery... when he had absolutely no control and kept clutching that sloth...” I pull the sloth that’s tucked next to me a little higher.  
   “He really loves you.” Nick adds, glancing at the sloth.  
   “I hate the he had to go through that...”  
   “It wasn’t your fault.”  
   “I know... What’s happening with Mr. Ballard?” I question.  
   “The DA’s still deciding whether they want to charge him with attempted murder or criminal negligence.”  
   “They’ll never get an attempted murder conviction.” I shrug.  
   “He did shoot you.”  
   “Not intentionally... which is a necessary element of attempted murder.”  
   “Barba isn’t going to agree with you.” Nick smirks.  
   “I seriously doubt Rafael will get to prosecute the man who shot his pregnant girlfriend.” I chuckle.  
   “No, but he has the DA’s ear.”  
   “I’ll talk to him tonight.”  
   “Good luck.” Nick smirks.


	20. Chapter 20

 

   My physical therapy sessions have been going well, they seem to think I will only need a couple more sessions in the hospital, possibly allowing me to be released by the end of the week, continuing sessions outpatient. Karla is letting me walk back to my room since PT is on the same floor and I really don’t want to be wheeled around anymore.  
   “Is that the same man.” She teases when we enter to find Rafael dressed in a suit, his hair neatly styled, and pacing while he listens to someone on the other end of his phone.  
   “The kid has key, Buchanan paid him to check in on the place after school. It’s the only property I’m asking for... Yes... I appreciate it.”  
   “Definitely the same man.” I chuckle as she helps me in bed.  
   “How was PT?” Rafael asks, setting his phone down and joining me.  
   “It was good. They think I’ll be able to go home by the end of the week.”  
   “That’s great.” He smiles.  
   “What do you want for lunch... or is it dinner?” It’s not quite dinner time, but a little late to be considered lunch.  
   “I brought you a potato from the food truck you like so much.”  
   “Jesus, you’re perfect.” I grin, taking it from him as soon as he hands it to me.  
   “I’ll leave you two.” Karla chuckles.  
   “Have you called your mom?”  
   “No...” I mutter with a mouthful of potato.  
   “Maeve...”  
   “I will.”  
   “You know if she can’t come down I will get my mom to stay with you.”  
   “She does want to get to know me.” I keep procrastinating calling my mom because I know she’s going to be upset that I didn’t call her sooner... only perpetuating my situation.  
   “Believe me you don’t want to be stuck with no way to escape my mother.” Rafael smirks.  
   “The same could be said for mine.” I mutter.  
   “Maeve...”  
   “I’ll call her tomorrow.”  
   “Maeve...” I really wish he’d stop using my name to scold me...  
   “Fine, I’ll call her after I eat.” I grumble while trying not to smile at how pleased he looks with himself.

   Rafael hands me my phone as soon as he’s thrown my food trash away, he doesn’t say anything, just lifts his eyebrows at me. I reluctantly take it and dial the number for my mom.  
   “Hi Maeve.”  
   “Hey mom...”  
   “Oh my god, something happened.” Two words... that’s all it took for her to assume the worst.  
   “I’m fine, the babies fine, but...”  
   “But what? Your boyfriend left you? You were robbed? Hurt at work?” She can be a bit dramatic and I know when I tell her she’s going to flip.  
   “I was shot, but I’m fine... we’re all fine. I just may need a little help around the house for a couple weeks.” Everything I called for is blurted out at once. It’s the only way to get her to stop talking over me and actually listen.  
   “Where are you?”  
   “Bellevue.”  
   “For how long?”  
   “Hopefully only a couple more days.”  
   “I’ll leave now.”  
   “Mom?” The lines gone dead and I can only assume she’d frantically packing and loading the car.  
   I sit the phone in my lap and look at Rafael. “So?” He inquires.  
   “She’ll be here in six hours.” That’s how long it took me to make the drive... _of course I was driving a U-haul._  
   Rafael glances at his watch. “That puts her in between eight and nine.”  
   “You may have just lost your couch.” I chuckle, knowing my mom isn’t going to sleep at Rafael’s place without me there.  
   “I’ll survive,” he smiles, “I’ll get an air mattress for the babies room. She can sleep in there while she’s helping out.”  
   “Ten years with a guest room and you never use it, two months without one and you’re buying an air mattress.” I chuckle again.  
   “I’ll get a nice one that doesn’t lose air overnight.” He smirks.  
   “I really didn’t think about it, but my parents are going to want to visit once she’s born... Will the air mattress fit in your office if you get one big enough for two people?”  
   “If the chairs are moved out of the way... There’s enough room for a Murphy bed along the wall by the chairs... it’s something we can consider for later.”  
   I’m already googling Murphy beds on my phone. “How attached to those chairs are you?”  
   “They’re just chairs... why?”  
   I pull him closer so he can see what I’m looking at. “They have ones that have couches attached to them and then you pull the bed down over it.”  
   “I’m going to find an air mattress,” he chuckles and shakes his head, “why don’t you settle on baby furniture before you pick out a Murphy bed.”  
   “Fine...” I’m still looking at Murphy beds... I’ll switch to baby furniture in a minute, but this idea has me excited and some of these designs are really clever.

   Rafael’s been back for about an hour. He went ahead and straightened the baby’s room as best he could without furniture and aired the mattress up. We both know my mom is going to stay at the hospital with me, but he wanted to make sure the air held up before she slept on it.  
   Vzzzzt... “What’s your room number?”   
   My mom must be here. “207.” I reply and glance up at Rafael who’s reading through a few files Liv sent over. “My mom’s on her way up.”  
   Rafael straightens the files, but doesn’t say anything.  
   “You ok, Raf?” He’s now fidgeting with his pen and pacing the small space.  
   “Yeah...”  
   “Really?” This comes out sounding more amused than I intend it to.  
   Rafael pauses and looks at me. “I can’t remember the last time I met someone’s mom... and I’ve never met a mom after impregnating her daughter...” He’s pacing again.  
_Impregnating..._ I quietly chuckle at his word choice. “You’re the one who made me call her.” This statement doesn’t amuse him as much as it does me, but it really wasn’t meant to.  
   “Maeve?”  
   “Hey mom.” I smile at the woman who is confused for my sister more often than I’d care to admit.  
   “Jesus, those are good genes...” Rafael mumbles.  
   “Rafael, this is my mom, Mallory Walsh. Mom this my boyfriend, Rafael Barba.”  
   “I was young when I married her father.” Mallory says dismissively of his comment. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”  
   “You as well.” Rafael say, shaking her hand.  
   “So where were you shot?” My mom’s attention is back on me now.  
   “In the chest, but I’m fine... everything is fine.”  
   “Jeez, Maeve...” she exhales, “you know I really hate that you became a cop.”  
   “I know.” I grin, glancing passed her to Rafael who is gathering is things. “Where are you going?”  
   “I just thought I’d let you and your mom catch up, talk...” he moves closer to me and gives me a modest kiss, “I’ll come by for lunch tomorrow.”  
   “Are you afraid that my mom will turn on you once she gets bored with me?” I chuckle.  
   “Maybe a little,” he smirks, “but mostly I have a seven thirty meeting with McCoy.”  
   “Ok, but text when you get home.” I sigh, kissing him again, not letting him get by with as modest of one as he’d like.  
   “I will.”    
   My mom moves a chair closer to the bed as he leaves, waiting for him to be out of ear shot before she speaks again. “He’s older than I expected...”  
   “He’s not that much older than me.”  
   “You’re having his baby?”  
   “A little girl.” I smile as my hand finds my stomach.  
   “You look happy.” Mallory smirks.  
   “I am happy.”  
   “So no convincing you to move back and let us help you raise the baby.” She has a playful grin on her face and I know she’s kidding.  
   “You and dad could move to New York.”  
   “I barely like visiting New York, this was always your dream.”  
   “My dream?” I have no idea what she’s talking about.  
   “In high school you used to talk about applying to NYU and moving here.” I vaguely remember this... I’m pretty sure I also talked about applying to UC Berkeley too.  
   “Then I realized how much it would cost to go out of state.” I chuckle.  
   “You always were rational.”  
   “Still am.” I smirk.  
   “That is yet to be determined.” Mallory smiles.  
   “I promise you’ll love him.”  
   “You barely know him.”  
   “It doesn’t feel that way.”   
   My mom doesn’t exactly seemed pleased with my answer, but she refrains from commenting when Kayla enters.  
   “No Rafael tonight?” Kayla smiles.  
   “This is Mallory, my mom. She’ll be staying with me until I’m discharged, unless I can convince her to sleep at Rafael’s without me.”  
   “I’m fine here. I spent my life in a hospital, I have no problem sleeping in one.”  
   “What did you do at the hospital?” Kayla asks as she takes my vitals. I’ve never had my blood pressure taken so often...  
   “I’m a retired scrub nurse.”  
   “You’re retired?” Kayla blushes slightly at how shocked she sounds.  
   “I’m sixty one.”  
   “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean...”  
   “Don’t be sorry, I know I don’t look like I’m in my sixties.” My mom smiles at this statement. She’s much more comfortable with her looks than I am.  
   “She retired when my dad did so they could travel together.”  
   “That’s nice,” Kayla says as she finishes up with me, “what did he retire from?”  
   “He was an anesthesiologist.” He also has about the same number of years on my mom as Rafael has on me, but I choose not to add that bit. _Not that I won’t remind my mom if she brings up Raf’s age again..._  
   “Would you like me to bring you fresh sheets for the couch?”  
   “That would be fantastic.” Mallory smiles.  
   Kayla pulls the sheets Rafael’s been using and places them in a linen bin before leaving.  
   “I like your nurse.”  
   “She’s my favorite of the ones I’ve had during my stay.”  
   “When you are discharged where will I be sleeping?”  
   “Rafael bought an air mattress for you and put it in the babies room. It used to be his guest room so you’ll have you own restroom.”  
   “I can’t picture you living with someone...” My mom sighs.  
   “I’ve had roommates.”  
   “Not really... you lived in the dorms, shared that apartment with your brother, and then moved straight into a one bedroom.”  
   “His friends were always there... it was annoying. I’d want to come home from school to relax or study and instead I’d have to deal with ten of his friends leering at me as I made something to eat. Then once I made it to my room I could still hear them playing video games and talking about me.” I knew living with Jacob was a bad idea, but I had desperately wanted to save money. Six months later, I found a one bedroom and one of his friends took my old room.  
   “You’re very picky when it comes to men.” My mom scoffs always feeling I should be flattered by the attention.  
   “I wonder why...” I huff.  
   “They were just boys.”  
   I take a deep breath and let this go. “How is Jacob anyway?”  
   “He’s dating that Kelly girl again.” She says, scrunching up her nose.  
   “She’s not that bad.” I chuckle, knowing this will get her talking for hours about my brother and the girl he’s dated on and off for almost five years.

   “Morning.” Rafael smiles while pulling himself forward enough to kiss my forehead.  
   The hospital finally discharged me. I know they were getting close to letting me go home anyway, but I’m choosing to think my mother spend things up. For a former nurse she can be rather needy. It took some convincing, but both Rafael and my mom finally agreed to letting me attempt the stairs so I could sleep in our bed. I can’t explain why, but I know I sleep better with him next to me.  
   “Morning.” I smile back.  
   “We should get you showered and dress before your mom realizes you’re awake.” He smirks.  
   I should mention that her neediness had to do with making sure I had everything I needed...  
   “I’ve missed showering with you.” I hum.  
   “Don’t get too excited, we’re really just showering.”  
   “So looking but no touching.” I giggle.  
   “I never said you couldn’t touch.” His grin is infectious and I happily follow him out of bed.

   “Good morning Mallory.” Rafael smiles, their previous back and forth on Mrs. Walsh versus Mallory seemingly forgotten.  
   My mom is in the kitchen trying to figure out the coffee maker and Rafael seems much too happy for someone who hasn’t actually gotten laid and my mother’s curiosity is peaked. “Morning.”  
    “I’ll get the coffee maker.” I smile, moving passed her so I can set it up.  
   My mom moves to the other side of the counter, pulling up a stool as both Rafael and I start our morning routine.  
   “Would you like eggs, mom?”  
   “Sure.” She replies, watching me hand the carton of eggs to Rafael. He busies himself scrambling them and I turn to the fridge grabbing the container of mixed fruit he’s purchased and the butter.  
   “One or two slices of toast?” I ask my mom while handing the butter to Rafael for the pan he’s cooking the eggs in.  
   “One.” She pulls it back quickly, but I notice the little smile that tugged at her lips.  
   “We really need hash browns...” I mutter.  
   “The frozen ones are terrible and fresh ones take too long.” Rafael says, giving me a playful little smirk.  
   “Morning potatoes would be nice too...” I smile, reaching to take the butter back from him.  
   “Maybe this weekend.” He chuckles, pulling me in for a kiss.  
   “When is Carly’s case going to trial?”  
   “Starts this afternoon.”  
   “That soon? I thought they hadn’t really found anything tying her murder to Dusty.” I’m back at the toaster, slipping two more pieces of bread in as I butter the two I’ve just removed.  
   “He barely bothered to clean up Buchanan’s rental place. Her DNA is all over it.” Rafael huffs.  
   “They don’t want to deal?”  
   “Buchanan is going to try to convince the jury they had sex there and then went to the park... That she was alive when Dusty left her there, but the timeline doesn’t add up. Warner will testify that she was tortured for days. There’s no way the jury will buy someone took her from the park, tortured her and then brought her back.”  
   “Did they find her blood at Buchanan’s?” I ask this because I can’t see how Buchanan is willing to go to trial if they have.  
   “No... but certain areas were cleaned with bleach.”  
   “If Buchanan rents the place wouldn’t you expect to find bleach used to clean, especially in between tenants?”  
   “That’s a good point. I’ll add that to my notes and work on an argument for it.”  
   “Did they ever find out why his e-mail was encrypted?”  
   Rafael plates the eggs next to the toast I’ve set out and I hand one to my mom, grab the fruit, and move to the table.  
   “Yes, and it doesn’t actually help me. Turns out his father works for the government and anything coming out of the house is encrypted.”  
   “Is this the man who shot you?” My mom interjects. Rafael and I were both so lost in our morning routine we seemed to have forgotten she was there.  
   “No mom, Rafael’s prosecuting a sixteen year old who raped and murdered Carly, our victim. Her father is the one that shot me.”  
   “Why would her father shoot you?”  
   “He didn’t mean to, he was threatening the kid who killed his daughter.” My mother furrows her brow and I turn my attention to Rafael. “What’s happening with Mr. Ballard anyway?”  
   “Another ADA is over the case.” He replies dismissively.  
   “Raf...”  
   “As far as I know he’s pleaded out on reckless endangerment... he may serve a minimal amount of time.” Rafael grumbles.  
   “Good.”  
   “How is that good?” Mallory asks.  
   “He didn’t mean to shoot me.”  
   “Yes, but he could have killed you... he could have killed our baby.”  
   I’m aware of how lucky I am that we are both still here. Even if you take out the complications of surgery, stress on the body the gun shot itself inflicted could have harmed my pregnancy. _I know this..._ I also know that I crouched down when the gun went off, but only a little. If I had crouched further my head may have been in its path or if I hadn’t crouched at all I could have been shot in the abdomen. _I know how lucky I am..._ I’ve thought about this more times than I’d care to admit, but I’m fine... we’re fine.  
   “But he didn’t...”  
   “Still, you let the police investigate... the DA’s office prosecute... You don’t take matters into your own hands.” Rafael huffs.  
   “And criminals are incarcerated in an effort to rehabilitate... Do you honestly think Ballard will be a threat to anyone in the future?” I ask.  
   “No.” He mutters.  
   “Then everything worked out.” I smile.  
   “Eat your breakfast.” He smirks, fighting back his own smile and even my mother looks amused.

   “How long have you known?”  
   My mom and I are cleaning up the kitchen after breakfast, her on her fourth cup of coffee while I’m eyeing it and sipping on water. I’m really beginning to miss coffee. Rafael left for work shortly after he finished eating.  
   “How long have I known what?” I have no idea what she’s asking me.  
   “That you love him.” She smiles.  
   I chuckle and place the plate she’s rinsed in the dishwasher. “I honestly think I’ve known since the night we talked at the bar, but I didn’t allow myself to even think it until I accidentally blurted it while talking to my boss after disclosing.”  
   “I’ve never seen you that comfortable with someone.”  
   “I was comfortable with David and we hung out with you and dad all the time.” I’m really not sure why I’m arguing... shouldn’t I just let her except that I love him?  
   “No... you and David went places together, kept each other company... but there was always a disconnect. Neither of you seemed unhappy, but you didn’t fit seamlessly either...”  
   “Rafael and I fit seamlessly?” I chuckle, mostly at her description.  
   “I think you compliment each other well.”  
   “You’ve seen us together maybe five times now.”  
   “Are you not always like that?” She’s raised her brow teasingly.  
   “Yeah... we kind of are.” I grin.


	21. Chapter 21

 

   My mom, Rafael, and I have fallen into a nice routine... The three of us have breakfast together, Rafael leaves for work, I try to convince my mother to let me get out of the house for something other than physical therapy... she counters with a hard no... I try to bribe her with baby stores... she hands me my computer and says we can shop online, we bounce between the food network, HGTV, and the news, and then the three of us talk over dinner when Rafael finally gets home.  
   I did finally order furniture for the babies room, it’s set to be delivered and set up later today and my mom is going to help me arrange all the babies things. Today is the first day since I got released from the hospital that I’m glad to be stuck at home. _I’m stupidly excited to start putting the room together..._  
   “Maeve!” My mom calls from the bannister just outside the babies room. I can see her from the couch, she really didn’t have to yell, but it gets my attention.  
   “Yes.”  
   “Are all the blankets and clothes that need to be washed in these three bags by the door?”  
   “Yeah, I sorted all that stuff out so it would be easier when I got to that point.”  
   “Great.” She smiles, tossing the bags over the banister as the delivery guys knock at the door.  
   “You left the areas clear where I want the furniture, right?” I chuckle, making my way to the door.  
   “Walsh?”  
   “Yes, they’re going upstairs,” I smile, “my mom will show you where in the room.”  
   The man smiles and he and the other guy that’s with him lug the boxes they’ve brought up to where my mom is and I hear her explaining where the crib, dresser, rocking chair, and small shelving unit are going. Then she joins me on the couch, both of us removing tags and sorting baby clothes and other linens so we can wash them as they assemble the furniture.  
   “I need hangers.” I’m holding a tiny romper, _smiling at it..._ I hadn’t thought about tiny hangers for tiny clothes.  
   “Maybe I’ll give in to your constant badgering to go baby shopping tomorrow.” My mom chuckles.  
   “Really?”  
   “Once we take inventory of the room and see what else you need. I will insist on taking a cab though. I don’t want you walking that much.”  
   “I’m sure Raf will insist on us using his car service.” I’ve copied her stressed tone on the word insist.  
   “That’s even better.” My mom smiles.

   The only way I’m currently allowed to walk up the stairs is with my mom or Rafael right behind me. I can make it just fine now, but they both refuse to let me go it alone. My mom follows me up after the guys assembling the furniture leave, both of us picking up a bag and start to place things around the room. I arrange the changing pad and bins I purchased for diapers, wet wipes, and other things needed for changing diapers along the top of the long dresser. I’m setting the sloths where I want them when my mom brings up the first load from the dryer. It’s sheets and other linens.  
   “I really like the purple and white.” My mom smiles as I place a fitted sheet on the crib mattress.  
   “Me too. I was never a big fan of pink.” I smile, setting one of the stuffed sloths in the crib. _That doesn’t mean I haven’t selected a ton of pink clothes for her..._  
   “You know that can’t stay there once the baby gets here.”  
   “I know.” I’ve rolled my eyes, but only because my back is to her. I mean does she really think I’m not reading about this... “she’s going to sleep in our room for the first six months to a year anyway.” I smile, readjusting the sloth so that he sits in the corner of the crib.  
   “Not in your bed?”  
   “I’ve ordered a Nuna Sena, it’s playpen with a removable bassinet and changing table.” I reply, pulling up the website up on my phone so I can show her. I’ve ordered a stroller and car seat from them as well because they look really nice and have excellent safety ratings. I’ve also watched a bunch of videos of people showing how they work and these seem the simplest to use... I know we’ll be thankful for simple when we’re sleep deprived.  
   “Do you have maternity clothes?”  
   “No...” I haven’t really needed them, but I am definitely starting to show now. In the last two weeks I’ve gone from barely a bulge to a pretty noticeable bump... Not so big I can’t hide it with clothes if I want, but big enough that my pants don’t button anymore... I’ve been living in yoga pants and pajamas, so this hasn’t been an issue, but I do need clothes before I go back to work next week. _Desk duty..._ but at least it’s out of the house.  
   “We can shop for those tomorrow too.” My mom smiles.  
   Vzzzzt... “My mom wants to do lunch or dinner this weekend.”  
   “Does she know my mom is here?” I send back.  
   Vzzzzt... “Yes.”  
   “Rafael’s mom wants to do lunch or dinner this weekend.” I say, turning to face my mom.  
   “That’s nice. I’d like to meet here.” My mom smiles.  
   “Lunch or dinner is fine. You pick. Does she know about the baby?” I text Rafael.  
   Vzzzzt... “Why do you think she wants to eat?”  
   I can’t see him, but for some reason I’ve picture him smirking with his last text.

   Rafael mutters to himself as he enters the apartment, barely acknowledging us as he moves to his office.  
   “Is he ok?” My mom asks.  
   “Court must not have gone well today...” That’s the only time I’ve seen him shut himself in his office after work. “I’ll check on him.”  
   “You sure you don’t want to let him calm down a bit first?”  
   “I promise his bark is worse than his bite.” I chuckle, making my way to his office and shut the door behind me as I slip in. “Everything alright?”  
   “He’s a glib little son of a bitch, isn’t he?” Rafael huffs, standing from his desk chair and pulling me closer once I reach him.  
   “I’m not a psychiatrist, but I’m pretty sure that kids a sociopath.”   
   He huffs his agreement, and kisses the top of my head.  
   “I take it the jury doesn’t see him as glib.”  
   “The jury thinks he’s heartbroken over what happened... like he just lost the love of his life,” he scoffs, “forget he only met Carly once...”  
   “Have you cross examined him yet?”  
   “The judges called for a recess after Buchanan finished... that’s really better though. After seeing him testify, I need more time to prepare.” Rafael sighs.  
   “Can you show them how little he actually knew about her?”  
   “I’m going to try... the problem is they talked before they met and he does know a lot about her...”  
   “Hmmm...”  
   “I’ll figure something out.” He sighs and kisses me.  
   “Did you really just now tell you mom I’m pregnant?” I half scold, half chuckle.  
   “I did.” He grins.  
   “How’d she take it?”  
   “She’s concerned.”  
   “I don’t want her to hate me...”  
   “She wont.”  
   I pout unintentionally when I look up at him.  
   “She doesn’t hate you,” he smirks, “she just thinks I’m acting impulsively.”  
   “I’ll let you get back to work.” I sigh.  
   “Maeve, I promise she’ll come around.” He gently squeezes his arms tighter around me. “Have you guys eaten?”  
   “We ordered pizza when you texted you were leaving, it should be here soon.” He groans and I smile. Normally pizza doesn’t bother him, but when he’s really stressed acidic foods tend to give him indigestion. “I ordered you a chicken caesar salad.”  
   “Thank you.”  
   “You know your mom should really take into account that I know you well enough to order foods that’s won’t give you heartburn.” I smile.  
   “I’ll be sure to tell her.” He chuckles, letting me go so he can work on his questions for his cross on Dusty.

   “Are you sure you don’t want to postpone lunch to another weekend?” Rafael and I are getting ready in our room. I found a bunch of dresses and other clothes for work when my mom and I went shopping earlier this week. Normally, I wouldn’t have bought so many dresses for work considering how rare it is I actually have an opportunity to wear them, but since I will be restricted to desk duty for the next month due to the shooting and I’m pretty sure with as rapidly as my stomach is growing that desk duty will extend to the end of my pregnancy, I thought dresses could be a nice change.  
   “Why would we postpone? I’ve given my closing arguments, all I can do now is wait.” Rafael smiles as he helps me zip up my dress.  
   “Won’t your mom be upset if the jury comes back and you have to leave during lunch?”  
   “My mom is used to that.”  
   “But...” I want to argue, to find an excuse to do this next weekend because I’m afraid he will have to leave and then it will just be me, my mom, and Lucia Barba...  
   “You’re cute when you’re nervous.” Rafael smirks, sliding his hands over my growing belly. The small bump that this dress does nothing to hide. _I mean we’re not hiding it anymore..._ I smile, placing my hands over his and turning my head to kiss him over my shoulder.

   When we get to the restaurant Lucia is already waiting for us.  
   “Mami, this is Maeve’s mom, Mallory Walsh. This is my mother, Lucia Barba.” Rafael says, introducing our moms.  
   “Don’t say mother so pointedly, Rafi.” Lucia scolds, turning her attention to me and my mom. “It’s nice to meet you Mallory, and Maeve...” she glances at my belly, “it’s good to see you again. Hopefully my son will let us spend more time together now that he’s told me you’re carrying my granddaughter.”  
   “I would like that.” I smile, trying not to let my amusement at Rafael’s eye roll show.  
   “Are we just going to chat in the doorway or did you actually want to eat?” Rafael mutters to his mom.  
   Lucia brushes him off. “Relax Rafi, I already put our name down for a table, they said to give them a minute.”  
   Lucia and my mom chat quietly as Rafael wanders toward the hostess to see if our table is ready, leaving me to my curiosities about what our mothers are talking about. I mean why are they whispering? I move a little closer and hear mother mention something about Lucia’s shoes and relax.

   “Are you two getting married?” We’ve been at the table for less than a minute and this is what Lucia has chosen to lead with. I don’t exactly hide my amusement when Rafael coughs, trying clear his windpipe of the coffee he’s nearly choked on. _My mother seems amused too..._  
   “Mom...” I smirk at the face she’s made.  
   “What? Your dad and I were wondering the same thing.” Mallory grins.  
   “We haven’t discussed it yet.” I smile, rubbing Rafael’s back.  
   “You’re going to be parents.” Lucia says bluntly.  
   “We’ve also only known each other for ten months.” Rafael replies, taking my hand.  
   “You think a baby is less permanent?” Lucia scoffs.  
   “No.” He mutters, rolling his eyes.  
   “Why not get married then?”  
   “A baby is not a reason to get married.” He huffs.  
   “No... most people get married and then have the baby.” Lucia mutters, meeting her sons glare.  
   “I’m not most people.” He smirks.  
   “You were careless.”  
   I’ve shrank... I literally feel smaller in my chair. Her words somehow knocking the wind out of me. _Careless..._ She thinks he’s screwed up and is now stuck with me.  
Rafael exhales sharply, his eyes narrowing as he hones in on his mother. “Our relationship has been impetuous at times and we my not be doing things in the order you approve of, but it is our relationship and I can promise you nothing about it has been careless.”  
   Lucia starts to speak again but Rafael cuts her off.  
   “I’m not done. When I marry Maeve it will be because we have chosen to make that commitment to each other. She will know that it’s because I want to spend every morning waking up next to her, because she’s the only person I want to come home to, the only person I could ever see myself loving for the rest of my life... she will never have to wonder if I only married her because we had a baby together.”  
_When I marry Maeve..._ I’m staring at him with my mouth slightly open and my mother kicks my foot under the table. I close my mouth and take a sip of water. _He said when not if..._ I heard the rest of it as well and I wonder how much he’s actually thought about marrying me. I mean I’ve thought about marrying him, but I wouldn’t dare mention it... it’s too soon.  
   “Ok.” Lucia smiles.  
_Now she’s smiling?_  
   “Ok?” Rafael huffs.  
   “I want to spend more time with you two.”  
   “We can do that.”  
   “Have you picked out a name?”  
   “We’ve started a list.” I chuckle, I’m not about to be standoffish to her. I assumes Rafael’s stubbornness stems from her and I want her to like me. Regardless of how she feels about the progression of our relationship, she will still be my daughters grandmother... and she really doesn’t know me yet.  
   “What are your favorites?” Lucia asks.  
   “Uh uhh,” Rafael shakes his head.  
   “Why not?” Lucia frowns.  
   “Because you have a way of influencing decisions like this and I want to actually pick my daughters name.” He smirks.  
   “Fine... but you will tell me before she’s born?” She’s taunting him about not finding out about the baby for so long and he gives her an amused smile.  
   “I’ll make sure he does.” I smile.  
   “You know... Maeve still has a few things she needs to get for the babies room. You two should exchange numbers and go shopping.”  
   Lucia lights up at my moms suggestion. “I would like that.”  
   “I can use all the advice I can get.” I smile, starting to ramble my number off to her when she pulls her phone out.  
   Rafael sits up straighter in his chair before I can finish with the area code. “I can always get a hold of my mom for you...”  
   “You can’t control this.” I chuckle, gently patting his hand as I finish giving my number to his mom.  
   “I kind of like her.” Lucia smirks and Rafael rolls his eyes again.

   “You do realize my mother will now use you to get me to dinner...” Rafael grumbles as we crawl in bed.  
   “You act as though I can control your work schedule more than you can.” I chuckle, curling into his arms.  
   “I sometimes use work as an excuse even when I don’t have work.” He smirks.  
   “Really?” I feign shock. “If she asks to meet up with both of us I’ll run it by you before agreeing to anything.”  
   “What about if it’s just the two of you?”  
   He’s crazy if he thinks I’m getting permission to meet up with his mom from him and I’ve given him a look saying just that. “I’m pretty sure I can make that decision independently.”  
   “You’re right, sorry.”  
   “I love you.” I chuckle.  
   “I love you too.” He smiles, tightening his arms around me. “I always will.”  
   “Forever?” I tease, completely forgetting about his earlier conversation with his mom, but it comes back to me he tenses. “I was only teasing.”  
   “I...”  
   “I’m not in any rush.” I smile, pulling up to kiss him.  
   “Do you want to get married?”  
   “Someday, but I agree with what you said to your mom earlier. I want it to be for the right reasons. I wouldn’t want you to have any doubt over why I married you either.”  
   “Someday you see yourself married to me then?” Rafael smirks.  
   “You... or maybe Paul Rudd.”  
   “Paul Rudd...” His brows furrow and I give him a moment for the name to process. “The actor?”  
   “He seriously gets more attractive as he ages...” I sigh, failing to hide my grin and Rafael rolls his eyes.  
   “Wait... Ant Man, Paul Rudd or This is 40, Paul Rudd?”  
   “I’ve never seen Ant Man.” I smile, pulling myself on top of his chest and kissing him.  
   “Remind me not to suggest it then.” He chuckles as my kisses move to his neck.  
   He moans softly as my hands run under his shirt and my kisses trail down his chest.  
   “Maeve...” He’s fighting back a groan as he stops me from removing his underwear.  
   “What?” I give him a coquettish smile as I run my finger under the waistband of his boxer briefs.  
   He bites his lip and exhales. His hand grips into my hair but doesn’t try to pull me away from where I’m hovering. “We can’t...”  
   “No I can’t,” I smile, tugging him free, “that doesn’t mean you can’t.”


	22. Chapter 22

   

 

   “How do you feel about going back to work?” Rafael smiles as I put on earrings using his full length mirror.  
   “I’m ready to get out of the house, even if it’s just to go sit at a desk.”  
   “I feel better that you’re on desk duty.”  
   “Why?”  
   “I know you’re safe.” He says, kissing my cheek as he passes to grab his tie.  
   “You do realize I was shot in the precinct... not far from my desk.” Rafael makes a face as though he hadn’t considered that and I chuckle. “It’s unlikely that would happen twice.”  
   “Very unlikely...” He mutters, moving closer to me as he uses the mirror to adjust his tie. “Still... I may swing by a bit more often.”  
   “Liv is only going to let you get away with that for so long.”  
   “I’m sure she’ll let it slide for as long as you’re pregnant.” He smirks and pulls me against him for an actual kiss. “I like the dress by the way. Not much is going on at work... you should swing by my office around lunch time, I can send Carmen out for a bit.”  
   His eyes are lascivious and I turn so that we’re both facing the mirror, his arms wrapping around me and resting on the small but clearly protruding belly.  
   “I’m pretty sure me in a dress in your office is what got us here.” I smile resting my hands on top of his.  
   “See,” he smirks, “only good things come from sex in my office.”  
   “Remind me to remind you you said that when she’s woken us up multiple times on a work night.” I chuckle.  
   “Maybe she’ll sleep... some babies sleep.”  
   “Did you?” I can’t imagine the man standing behind me to have been anything less than a demanding baby.  
   “You’d have to ask my mom.”  
   “I will then... on Saturday.”  
   “Are you sure you want to go shopping with her?” Rafael groans.  
   “Yes,” I smile, “we need to get to work.” I’ve pulled back to look at him and not his reflection, but not out of his arms.  
   “You can blame me if you’re late.”  
   “Yes, because that would look good.” I’m looking at him seriously and he rolls his eyes and lets me go so he can finish dressing.

   “Morning.” I smile and set a bag of muffins down on the table by the coffee maker, grabbing one for myself and make my way to my desk. I’m working a fixed schedule, nine to six, and everyone else is already working when I arrive. “Help yourself to a muffin or two.”  
   Carisi glances at my stomach on his way to the muffins, but doesn’t say anything.  
   “You seem to be recovering well.” Rollins says from her desk.  
   “I actually feel surprisingly good, considering.”  
   “It’s nice to see your desk occupied.” Nick smiles.  
   “Barba, huh?” Fin smirks.  
   “If it hadn’t been for Nick and Carisi’s board, I would have told you a long time ago.” I smile.  
   “How exactly did Barba pick you up at a bar?” Rollins asks and I close my eyes and chuckle. _Detectives really are nosy._  
   “I don’t know... we just talked.”  
   “Yeah, but you took him home and... well... you don’t seem like the type to sleep with someone you barely know.” Rollins continues.  
   “I’m not, but... there was just something about him. I mean it didn’t even register that I hadn’t asked his name until after he left because Liv had called him in. I was too distracted with making plans to meet up again.” I know I’m grinning... I can’t help it. That night was how all of this started.  
   “You didn’t even know his name?” Nick huffs.  
   “Couldn’t have been that much talking.” Rollins laughs under her breath.  
_I really need to stop saying things without thinking..._ “Not until Liv introduced us on Monday.”  
   “That must have been a shock.” Fin chuckles.  
   “For both of us.” I smile.

   I’ve been working at my desk across from Carisi for most of the morning and other than the noise he made while eating a couple muffins, and a grunt in greeting, he has been abnormally quiet. I also keep catching him staring at my stomach.  
   “So Dusty was found guilty...” I really need Carisi to act like Carisi.  
   “I’m sure Barba told you.”  
   He’s not looking at me, well he is... just not my face. “Is that the problem? I promise I was going to tell you, I was just curious how long it would take you to figure it out. You and Nick are the ones who started the whole board thing. I had already told Raf that I would tell you guys when I started to show.”  
   Apparently using Raf instead of Barba warrants being looked in the eye. “I don’t care that you didn’t tell us. I’d have done the same thing if you had been as nosy about the person I was dating and it turned out to be Rollins or something.”  
   “Then is it that I’m dating Rafael?”  
   “No,” He shrugs.  
   “Then why do you keep staring at my stomach like it’s grown two heads?”  
   Carisi leans over our desk and whispers. “It’s just... Barba’s baby is in there.”  
   “So... she doesn’t whisper your secrets to Rafael when we get home.” “I chuckle, relieved Carisi is just, well... Carisi.  
   “I... it’s hard to wrap my head around.”  
   “It’s not that hard.” I smile.  
   “If you didn’t know Barba outside of work, only saw the guy we see here... would you think he was even dating someone, much less had reproduced with them?”  
   “Rafael was right... you really do think he lives in his office.”  
   “I never thought he lived in his office.” He mutters.  
   “No, just that he was some kind of celibate monk or something.”  
   “I just thought work kept him too busy for a relationship... and monk is the last way I would describe him.” Carisi chuckles.  
   “At least I understand why he’s busy.”  
   “I hadn’t thought of that. It probably helps with our schedules to be with someone who understands them.”  
   “You thinking about dating another cop?” I grin.  
   “No.” He smiles, but I notice his eyes drift passed me toward Rollins. Now that would be an interesting match... _if she’d ever consider giving him a chance..._ I return the smile, but decide not to tease him about Rollins.

   Vzzzzt... “Are you coming by for lunch?”  
   “You were serious?” I thought sex in his office was an after hours only thing, but we haven’t had an opportunity to since the doctors gave me the ok to resume normal activities. _I guess they assume a normal healthy woman... who’s pregnant... would include sex in her list of normal activities._  
   Vzzzzt... “About lunch.”  
   “You want me to pick up something from the deli?”  
   Vzzzzt... “Yes, but tell Liv we’re going out. Maybe it’ll prevent any of them from randomly stopping by my office.”  
   “Carisi.” Liv is standing next to our desks and has startled me so much that I’ve jumped in my seat and fumbled my phone a few times, managing to catch it before it hits the desk.  
   Both of them turn and stare at me. “Sorry.” I smile.  
   “Can you take this file to Barba. It’s a few loose ends on the Carly case.” Liv asks, turning her attention back to Carisi.  
   “I can.” I interject.  
   “You’re restricted to desk duty.” Liv frowns as though I should know this... as though walking the three blocks to the DA’s office is going to incapacitate me in some way.  
   “And I’m leaving to meet Raf for lunch in ten minutes anyway.” I smile.  
   “Oh... I guess that’s ok...” I’ve never seen Liv not know how to respond. It’s like she wants to argue, but also realized she can’t prevent me from eating lunch with my boyfriend and knows carrying a file isn’t going to effect anything.  
   “We’re going out, so call if you need something.” I grin, taking the file from her and grabbing my purse before she can think of an argument.

   Carmen smiles as I approach and motions me passed her. Rafael’s blinds are drawn, but I expected that since he didn’t even want Liv to know we were eating in his office.  
   “How’s the morning been?” He asks, locking the door behind me as I enter.  
   “Good. It’s nice to be back at work... and I’m pretty sure they’re through teasing me about dating you.” I grin, giving him a quick kiss and setting the food and file from Liv on his round table.  
   “Why would they tease you about dating me?” He smirks and I roll my eyes.  
   Rafael wraps his arms around me and tugs me toward the couch. “What are you doing?”  
   “Nothing.” He smiles pulling me onto his lap.  
   “I though you only wanted lunch?”  
   Rafael’s hands push the skirt of my dress higher as they run up my thighs. “I did, but... now that you’re here...” His fingers slide under my panties and my breath catches.  
   “Raf...” I start to protest, but his lips cover mine and his fingers slip inside me, his thumb teasing my nub. We should have had sex last night but my mom didn’t get on the road to Portland until this morning and I wasn’t comfortable doing it with her in the house. _Like Raf’s office, in the middle of a work day, is so much better..._ I mean I’m pregnant, she knows how babies are made... but still, that’s not exactly something you want your mom to hear.  
   I lift off him just long enough to lower my underwear and climb back to straddle his thighs, my hands moving between us to unfasten his slacks.  
   “We don’t have to.” He exhales, watching me fumble with the button, not exactly helping but not stopping me either.  
   I finally free the button and lowering the zipper. “You started this.”  
   Rafael kisses me as he slips his own suspenders off his shoulders, lifting slightly to push down his slacks. I feel him press into me as I start to ease down on him and I still. It’s been a month since I was shot and with as busy as we had been a little longer since we had been together... _but seriously, not that long..._  
   “Jesus Maeve...” Rafael breathes, glancing up at me.  
   I press my lips hard against his to stifle the sound I know I’ll make as I finish taking him in. Closing my eyes I push down in one motion, letting him fill me. My head moves to his shoulder as I pause to adjust to him again.  
   “Maybe we should have waited until we got home.” He hums, wrapping one arm around me and running the other through my hair.  
   “Probably.” I smile, lifting my lips to his once more as I slowly start to move on him.  
   “No debes sentirte tan bien... (You should not feel this good...)” Rafael murmurs, his hands gripping my hips as I sink him into me once more.  
   “Raf...” I pant, reaching my hands into the base of his hair and tugging it back against the couch cushion so he’ll look at me.  
   “Muy apretado. (So tight.)” He smirks and I know it’s because he’s enjoying the fact that I don’t understand him.  
   “Connard.” I breathe while attempting to smirk back.  
   “Did you just call me an asshole in French?” He chuckles.  
   “So not fair.” I groan, moving with more purpose on him now.  
   Rafael grins and pulls me back to his lips, suppressing both our moans as he thrust up to meet my downward motion. One hand tangles in my hair to keep my mouth pressed to his while the other reaches between us finding my clit. I whimper against his lips... _literally whimper..._ my body jerking from his touch while he pushes back into me. I’m breathing heavy, but Rafael keeps his mouth over mine, muffling my groan as my muscles clamp down on him. His thrust are more pointed as he grunts and stills beneath me, pulling me against his chest.  
   “You speak French?” He smirks once our breathing levels.  
   “No... four years of high school French and aside from my name is, how are you, and a few other cliche responses, all I remember are the curse words.” I chuckle. “Oh and mon petit chou.”  
   “Mon petit chou?”  
   “My little cabbage.” I shrug. “You speak French?”  
   “No.” He’s smiling and I’ve furrowed my brow.  
   “Then how’d you know I called you an asshole?”  
   “Liv’s used the word once or twice.”  
   “Directed towards you?” I smirk.  
   “We should redress... actually eat lunch.” He chuckles, lifting his hips and bouncing me slightly.

   “So... the sex in your office... is it going to become a regular thing?” I tease, taking the lid off my soup. I’m craving hot soup in the middle of summer... potato soup...  _Thanks tiny baby..._  
   “No.” Rafael chuckles and unwraps his sandwich. “I really was only joking this morning, but then you were here and I knew no one had any reason to stop by...” he shrugs slightly, “if I had known it would hurt a bit I would have waited until we got home.”  
   “Eh, it was only initially.” I smile, running my hand through his hair, scrunching my forehead and fix where my hands previously disheveled the back a bit.  
   “Thanks.”  
   “Have you given anymore thought to baby names?”  
   “Not really, have you?”  
   “I’ve had nothing but time to think about baby names.” I laugh, pulling the list I’ve made up on my phone. “Obviously the ones from before, Grisel,” I smile to myself for saying it close to the way he does, “ Caroline, Kathleen, and Isla.”  
   “We’re not naming her Isla.” He smirks and I roll my eyes.  
   “I’ve added Lillian, Riley, Logan, Alice, Daisy...”  
   “Daisy?” His eyes have widened as though I’ve lost my mind.  
   “I watched a couple episodes of Dead Like Me... Daisy Adair... Georgia made the list too, should I cut them both?” I grin.  
   “No more television while we’re deciding her name.” He chuckles.  
   “Fine. Emily, Georgina... but I’d call her Gina...”  
   “Why not just Gina?”  
   “Because I like nicknames.” I smile.  
   “What else?” He asks shaking his head.  
   “Hattie.”  
   “Not Harriet?” He grins as I scrunch up my nose.  
   “Margaret... well Maggie, Claire, Darla...”  
   “Are there any names you haven’t listed?” He chuckles, taking my phone from me and reading through it. “I like Alice, Lillian, Kathleen, Margaret, and Grisel.”  
   “That’s the problem... I like Lillian Grisel Barba and Margaret Grisel Barba, but I also like Grisel Alice Barba...” I grumble.  
   “Grisel is definitely in the mix then?”  
   “I’ve practice saying it enough...” I smirk.  
   “We still have time to decided.” Rafael smiles, pulling me awkwardly into his side despite my chairs armrest.


	23. Chapter 23

   “Hey Maeve, can you run this to Barba?” Nick calls holding up a file on the latest case we’re working... well I’m pseudo working. Mostly filing and other paper pushing assignments since they’ve arrested our suspect and trial starts next week.  
   “Run it to him yourself.” I smirk, absentmindedly twirling my pen between my fingers.  
   “Honeymoon period over already?” He chuckles.   
   “No, but just because I’m dating him doesn’t make me his errand boy.”  
   “Fine... You want to come with me? Grab lunch?”  
   “Sure.” I shrug.   
   “How do you do that?” Carisi asks.  
   “Do what?” He seriously asks the most unspecified questions sometimes.  
   “Spin the pen in your hand like that?”  
   “You let it spin around one finger and grab it with the next,” I slow down the motion of my pen to show it twirl around my middle finger and then around my ring finger and pinching it with my pinkie as my middle comes back up and grabs it, “it really only spins around the middle and ring finger.”  
   Carisi takes his pen and mimics my movements, dropping the pen multiple times.  
   “Carisi, watch.” I twirl the pen slowly, having him copy me with each finger motion, “that’s it.” I sound patronizing and he glares at me.  
   “I’m not a child...” he mutters, “how do you do it so fast?”  
   “My brother taught me when I was eight.” I chuckle. “Keep doing it, you’ll get faster.”  
   “You ready?” Nick asks, standing next to our desks.  
   “To see Barba? Always.” I grin at Nicks eye roll and grab my purse.

   “Hi Raf.” I smile as Carmen lets us into his office.   
   He stands from behind his desk and moves toward me, a small smirk plastered on his face. “Hi.”  
   “I thought you said you two would still act the same...” Nick grumbles.  
   I chuckle and stop Rafael before his arms reaches around me. “Sorry.” I’ve faked cleared my throat as I pretend to be more serious. “Hey Barba.” I nod, barely containing my amusement at Nick’s annoyance.  
   Rafael shakes his head as his arm finishes it intended journey and tugs me against him. “Deal with it.” He’s looking at me, but his words are for Nick. The kiss is quick, barely more than a peck and the whole interaction would have lasted all of two seconds if Nick had just let it happen to begin with.  
   Rafael loosens his embrace on me and I move to stand next to him, close, but a more professional distance.  
   “What do you have?” Rafael asks, extending his hand to the file Nick is holding.  
   “Evidence showing communication between the defendant and Michelle, a friend of our victim.” Nick hands Rafael the file and he flips through it.  
   “This is beneficial...” He muses as his eyes settle on a particular page. Nick and I both watch him move back to his desk and take notes on the information that’s sparked his interest. “See if you can find anything else around early to mid June...”  
   “Something particular you’re looking for?” Nick asks.  
   Rafael stands again, carrying the file to Nick. “Look for communication between them involving the purchase of a boat.” He’s pointing to different correspondences where they discuss the possibility of buying a boat.  
   “What does buying a boat have to due with anything?” Nick frowns.  
   “Either of them seem like they could afford to buy a boat?” Rafael pushes his bottom lip up and raises his brow.  
   “You don’t think they’re talking about a boat?”  
   “Do you?”  
   Nick reads through the page Rafael’s opened the file to a bit more closely. “I’ll text Rollins... see what she can find.”  
   Rafael returns to his desk with the file. “Want to grab lunch?” He asks, his attention returning to me.  
   “Can’t, already have a lunch date.” I grin.  
   “Maeve, seriously...” Nick sighs.  
   “You’re eating with Nick.” Rafael barely even reacts, just glances up at me from paperwork on his desk.  
   “You can join or I can bring you something back.”  
   “Bring me something back.” He smiles.  
   Nick and I both start for the door. “Oh, Raf... what do you think of Malia?” I ask, pausing and turning back to him.  
   “Obama’s daughter?” It’s his smart ass way of telling me he needs a little more to go on.  
   “The name.” I sound less than amused and Nick uses his hand to hide his chuckle.  
   “I thought we were narrowing the list down, not adding to it?”  
   “Yes, but Malia Barba flows well and so does Malia Grisel Barba...”  
_Naming your child should not be this difficult..._ perhaps it isn’t for those that have spent their lives thinking about having them. They’ve probably had their baby’s name picked out since middle school. I had barely thought about dating much less babies before Rafael entered my life.  
   “Isn’t Malia Hawaiian?” Nick interjects.  
   “Yes. Does that matter? Maeve is Irish...” I huff.  
   “So is Walsh.” He counters with a smirk.  
   “We can add it to the list.” Rafael smiles, clearly entertained by how annoyed I seem with Nick.

   I’m still huffy as I slump in the seat across from Nick at the restaurant I let him choose.  
   “You know I’m just messing with you,” He chuckles, “Malia’s cute. Zara means seed in Hebrew, flower in Arabic, and princess in Russian...”  
   “Yes but a lot of Spanish words have Arabic influences...” I mutter.  
   “As opposed to other languages.” Nick chuckles again.  
   I glance up at him from my menu and sigh, “it shouldn’t be this difficult to pick a name.”  
   “Yes it should. She’s going to be stuck with it for the rest of her life.”  
   “Thanks for the added pressure.” I smirk, returning my attention to the menu.  
   I order a chicken breast with an extra side of roasted potatoes.  
   “Is everything you eat beige?”  
   “Sometimes I put colorful foods on my potatoes.” I smirk. _Watch our daughter end up hating potatoes..._  
   “Maria craved really spicy foods and ice cream,” Nick leans forward in his seat, resting his forearms on the table, “during the third trimester her heartburn was so bad she had to stop eating them because they both made it worse. She complained about it for three solid months... not the heartburn, but the fact that she couldn’t eat what she wanted.”  
   He seems pleased with this particular memory of his ex wife.  
   “At least potatoes are bland.” I smile.  
   “Just watch how many you eat when she starts shifting your organs around.” Nick chuckles.

   I’ve been curled up under the covers reading for an hour when I hear Rafael enter our home. The light in his office clicks on and then off again fairly quickly so I assume he’s dropped his briefcase off on his desk. When his feet tread up the stairs, I mark my place and set the book on my nightstand, shifting so I can see him when he gets to our room.  
   “You didn’t have to wait up for me.” He smiles on his way to the closet to strip the clothes he isn’t carrying into the dry cleaning bag.  
   “I was enjoying my book.”  
   I’m half tempted to follow him, just to see his slightly disheveled end of a long day look for a few moments longer. It’s July so the jacket, vest and tie hang slung over his arm and his dress shirt’s top couple buttons are undone... his hair no longer perfect. Instead, I wait for him to return, because his legs in boxer briefs... _I really need to get him in shorts more often..._  
   Rafael groans as he crawls in bed with me.  
   “Tired?” I curl into his side, my fingers trailing up his chest.  
   “Are you asking if I’m too tired?” I can’t see his face, but his tone tells me there’s a smirk present.  
   “I wasn’t, but are you?”  
   Rafael lifts his head from the pillow to look at me. “How much work are you willing to do?”    
   He’s really cute when he amuses himself and pull myself so that I’m straddling his hips. “I’ve never minded a little work.” I smirk, running my hands under his t-shirt, slipping it up and over his head.  
   “How was lunch with Amaro?” He asks as I’m awkwardly leaning forward over my belly to kiss him.  
   “You really want me thinking about Nick right now?” I’ve paused inches from his lips, my eyes making contact with his.  
   “Not really.”  
   “Didn’t think so.” I smile, closing the space between our lips and grinding my pelvis against his.   
   He tugs the thin shirt I’m wearing off and tosses it to the floor, and I slowly inch backwards, kissing down his neck and chest, his torso, until my fingers hook into the waistband of his underwear and slip them off.  
   I lick up his shaft, my hand stoking him as I take him in, sucking gently as my tongue moves along his base.  
   “My god, Maeve...” He breathes, his hand gently resting in my hair as I work.  
   I peak up, expecting to see him watching me, but his head is resting back on the pillow and his moans are deep and soft. I resist the urge to smile and continue to bob my head on him.  
   “Maeve...” His voice is strained.  
   I glance up to see him looking at me.  
   “You want me to stop?” I smile.  
   “Want isn’t the word I’d use.” He manages a smirk and slip my underwear off, crawling so that I hover above him.  
   “You want something different then?”  
   “I want you.” He exhales, maneuvering me so that I’m sinking down on him. “I’ll always want you.” The last bit is strained and I can’t help but smile.  
   I lower myself until he’s enveloped within me, my hand caressing his cheek. “I’ll always want you too.” I breathe, gently lifting to move on him.  
   “Forever?” His eyes greet mine and they’re apprehensive, almost like he doesn’t believe I could mean that. But I do. I’ve never wanted anything more than to just be able to keep him.  
   “And whatever lies beyond that.” I reply, locking eyes with his.   
   He pulls me to his lips as I continue to ride him, both of us moaning softly. In this moment I don’t need anything but him, our body’s connected to each other... it’s so much more than just the physical contact. His hands in my hair, cupping my cheek... his lips on mine, his tongue... I press my hands to the sides his face, not forcefully, just enough to feel contact, and intentionally constrict the muscles around him as I push back down.  
   “Se siente tan bien... (Feels so good...)” His voice is tense and I feel him push up as I slide back down, tightening my muscles again. “So good...” He exhales, his eyes closed.  
   I’ve never seen him unguarded, but that’s how he looks... completely uninhibited. My face is inches above his as I watch him. His neck is held firmly in place arched back slightly, while his expression is relaxed. The tiny lines around his eyes almost gone, even the lines on his forehead, the ones accentuated every time he raises his eyebrows, are softened. He doesn’t open his eyes as he moves with me, his breathing heavy, his hands moving to my hips as he lets me set our pace.  
   “I love you.” I breathe, placing kisses along the line of his jaw and down his neck.  
   “Fuck I love you.” Rafael groans and shifts me beneath him, taking over.  
   “I thought you wanted me to do the work?”  
   “It’s apparently too distracting for you.” He pants, a faint smirk tugging at his lips.  
   “I was enjoying watching you enjoy yourself.” I smile.  
   “I’d like for you to actually finish.” He’s grunted more than spoke, and sits back on his knees, his thumb pressing against my clit.  
   It’s not fair how easily he can shift momentum his direction. I’m not focused on him anymore, just the pleasure he’s provoked. I tighten around him, but this time it’s involuntary. My body shuddering as he braces himself above me, leaning forward, thrusting until he grunts and collapses half his weight supported by me, the other half on the bed.  
   “I would have survived if I hadn’t gone.” I chuckle once I can speak again.  
   Rafael lifts his head to look at me. “But I want you to.”  
   I smile and kiss him, wrapping my arms around him, neither of us moving in a way that would put space between us.  
   “Rafael.”  
   “Yes.” I feel him smile against my skin where his head is resting on me.  
   “You remember when you said you were glad we met at the bar, that if we hadn’t you’d just be the ADA I worked with?”  
   “I do.” He’s lifted his head to look at me and I can tell he’s wondering where I’m going with this.  
   “I don’t believe that. I don’t believe you could have ever just been some guy I worked with. It may have taken longer to get to this point, but I think we would have.”  
   “You would only know the side of me you see at work.”  
   “I love Barba.”  
   “Barba?” He chuckles.  
   “Would you prefer work Rafael?” I grin.  
   “Barba’s fine.” He smirks.  
   “I’m just saying, one way or another, I think this would have happened.”  
   “I’m still glad we met at the bar,” he smiles while resting his hand on my belly, “who knows how long it would have taken me to convince you to go out with me if we had met at work.”  
   “Are you trying to say I’m more stubborn about protocol than you?” I chuckle.  
   “I am.” His smile is big and adorable.  
   “I’m glad we met at the bar too.” His smile is infectious and I lift myself up enough to kiss him.


	24. Chapter 24

 

   I’ve been mindlessly flipping through the channels, barely paying attention to what’s on each before moving past it. My minds on work, because Rafael is at work. Everyone is at the precinct... everyone except me that is. I know I’m pregnant, but that doesn’t mean I’m incapable of thinking anymore. Ok, I did think I lost my phone while I was still holding it earlier this week... I must have spent twenty minutes looking for it before Carisi laughed and pointed at my hand. Rollins didn’t help by chuckling something about pregnancy brain. It was only the one time... And I know I’ve watch Carisi look for a pen he had stuck behind his ear on more than one occasion. _Tell me how that’s different?_  
   Not being called in really has nothing to do with losing my phone. It’s because I’m working a set shift and it was after two am when Liv called, waking both Rafael and me up. I should be back in bed, trying to sleep, but I can’t sleep. It’s not that Rafael is gone, it’s that it took me forever to get comfortable enough to fall asleep and that same position was no longer comfortable when I tried to go back to sleep after he left. _I have got to buy a body pillow..._  
   I stopped flipping through channels a while ago, but I didn’t pay attention to what was on because it was during a commercial. Never Been Kissed starts up at the point where Drew Barrymore’s character’s brother get her in with the popular kids, but I’ve seen it multiple times so I leave it. My favorite part is the end anyway... _I’m pretty sure I had a crush on Michael Vartan when this movie came out..._ I check the guide and Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion comes on next so I grab a blanket and cuddle up on the couch. The movie may be silly, but it’s still entertaining.

   “Why aren’t you asleep?” Rafael scolds when he gets home.  
   “I tried but I couldn’t get comfortable.” I shrug as he climbs under the blanket with me. “What’d Liv call you in for?”  
   “A couple patrol cops responded to a noise complaint at an upscale residential building. When they got inside they called SVU. There were a bunch of underage girls and older men... some in bedrooms.”  
   “Why are people fucked up?”  
   “You actually expect me to be able to answer that?” He smirks.  
   “No.” I mutter, cuddling against him as the movie comes back on.  
   “Really?” He’s lifted his eyebrow and looked at me.  
   “I like Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion.”  
   “I’m going to bed.” He chuckles, tossing the blanket over my head as he gets up.  
   “Thanks...” I remove the blanket and follow him, flipping the television off. “Wait Raf, I’ll join you.”  
   “You can finish the movie if you want.”  
   “Eh, I’ve seen how it ends.” I smile and take his hand as we start up the stairs. “What do you think of the name Mira?”  
   “I thought we talked about you watching television while we’re still trying to pick out a baby name?”  
   “Doesn’t make Mira any less pretty...”  
   “You can add it to the list as long as you realize the list is getting longer not shorter.” He chuckles and pulls me closer once we’ve crawled in bed.  
   “Believe me... I’m aware.” I half grumble, falling asleep shortly after I rest my head on his chest.

   My task during this investigation is to dig up as much dirt on the men they arrested at the party with underaged girls as possible. This is an assignment that lets me actually feel like I’m contributing. I’ve already found communication between three of the guys discussing the procurement of entertainment. _These are their words..._ E-mail after e-mail establishing who to contact, hair color, eye color, body type... the only problem is they only state they want them to look young, nothing actually requesting underaged girls. Raf can still charge them with a soliciting charge, but that’s not our preference.  
   “Anything juicy?” Carisi teases as he plops in his chair across from me.  
   He and Nick have been out actually talking to people, while Rollins and Fin have been interviewing the girls. Both of these I would have been more than capable of participating in, but I get not sending me out in the field. Being pregnant has no impact on my ability to interview the girls though... _seriously, just let this go..._  
   “Juicy?”  
   Carisi smiles and leans back in his chair. “Have you found anything?”  
   “I’m about to look into the person they mention contacting to acquire the girls for the evening.”  
   “How are you and Barba?”  
   “Same as we always are.” I shrug while typing Jeffrey Briggs into our database to see if he has any priors. I honestly doubt it’s his real name but I like to start with the least complicated path, sometimes you get lucky.  
   “Jesus... did you get bigger over the weekend?” _Thanks Rollins..._  
   “Remind me to be so kind if you get knocked up one day.” I grumble.  
   Rollins grins at me from her desk. “So this wasn’t planned?”  
   “What attributes can you characterize either Rafael or myself with that would make you think we planned to have a baby four months into our relationship?” I’m not snappy with her, more amused that she’s asked. The fact that our baby wasn’t planned doesn’t bother me. We are both happy with how things are working out... that’s all that matters.  
   Rollins chuckles and shifts some paperwork around on her desk. “You’d tell me if I should avoid sitting on any surfaces in his office right?”  
   “Thanks Amanda...” Nick grumbles.  
   Fin grumbles along with Nick, Carisi looks confused, and I can feel my face starting to flush. _Why does the topic of sex, at least sex involving me, make me blush?_  
   “Ughh...” Carisi groans once he realizes what Rollins is referencing and I will my face to return to it’s normal color.  
   “You guys have too much time on your hands.” I huff, returning my attention to the information I’ve pulled up on Jeffery Briggs.

   “Here.” Rafael’s voice has pulled me from my research, my eyes glancing at the bag he’s holding inches from my face. I can smell the fries and smile as I take it from him.  
   “Did you just stop by to bring me french fries?” My mouth is partially full but I am hungry all the time right now.  
   “Mostly,” he smirks pulling a chocolate milkshake from behind his back, “also to see where we are on the men they picked up.”  
   I immediately take the lid off the milkshake and start dipping the fries in it. “Jeffrey Briggs, oddly enough he used his real name... he acquired the girls for the party. Nick and Amanda have gone to pick him up.”  
   “Good, then I have an excuse to hang around.” Rafael smiles, waving at Liv as she exits her office.  
   “Barba, I was just about to call you,” Liv says as she approaches my desk, “Nick and Amanda are on their way back with...”  
   “Jeffery Briggs, Maeve just told me.”  
   “Have you two picked out a name yet?” She asks, glancing at my belly.  
   “We’re supposed to be narrowing it down, but someone keeps adding to the list instead.” Rafael grumbles.  
   “What? There are a lot of names, it’s not my fault I keep finding ones I like.” I shrug. “Speaking of... what do you think of Rita?”  
   “As in Calhoun... No.” He’s chuckled, but his no is firm.  
   “I guess it’s not getting longer today.” Liv laughs, leaving the two of us as she continues to wherever she was heading before she saw Rafael at my desk.  
   “You want one?” I hold the bag toward Rafael, but he makes a face and shakes his head. “Suit yourself, they’re really good.”  
   “Says the woman dipping her french fries into a chocolate milkshake... I’m not sure your food judgement can be trusted right now.”  
_He thinks this is just a pregnancy thing..._ I decide against telling him how I used to dip my fries in a Wendy’s Frosty.  
   Rafael furrows his brow and gestures at Carisi who has entered the bullpen, looked at us, and then quickly turned and exited again. “What’s his problem?”  
   “Rollins asked if she should avoid sitting anywhere in your office...” I grumble. I know I didn’t actually answer the question, but the redness of my face probably meant I didn’t need to.  
   “What did you say?” The little lines by his eyes are all scrunched up like they do when he’s humored by something.  
   “I told them they had to much time on their hands.”  
   “So you didn’t mention my desk?” He grins.  
   “We’ve never done it at your desk, only your couch.” I smile, absentmindedly resting my hand on my stomach.  
   “At least now I know where not to sit.” Rollins mutters as Nick groans. Rafael on the other hand doesn’t seem fazed at all, in fact, he still seems amused.  
   “Thanks Raf...” _He did that on purpose..._ Why else mention his desk? Nick and Rollins are standing behind me, I had no way of knowing they were there, Rafael only had to look up.  
   “It’ll teach them to be so intrusive.” Rafael smirks and I’m glad they have already placed Jeffrey Briggs in interrogation so he isn’t standing with them, but... Rafael probably wouldn’t have done what he did if he had been there...

   Jeffery Briggs gives up two of his contacts for sourcing girls, though he swears just like the others that he didn’t know they were underage. It doesn’t really matter as two of the girls have flipped on them and talking. One has even said she remembered someone with a video camera roaming around when she begged for a break. Now we are trying to figure out who else might have been at the party before the police showed up since a camera wasn’t located on the premises.  
   The men aren’t being corporative, but they also don’t seem to understand much about how the internet works. They did most of their communication and planning through e-mail and seem shocked that we’ve had access to it. Rollins sends everything we have on the men they’ve picked up to TARU, hoping they will have better luck than us.  
   “You think we’ll get lucky and they’ll find a guest list in a deleted e-mail or something?” I chuckle.  
   “With these guys, I wouldn’t be surprised.” Rollins rolls her eyes. “From the things they’ve said I would bet they’ve deleted e-mails pertaining to their little party and think they’re gone forever. Those will be the first thing TARU pulls.”  
   “How can you live in the world we live in and not understand that you can’t just delete something that has been on the internet?” Carisi mutters as he takes his seat across from me.  
   “If it makes our job easier, I’m not complaining.” Fin chuckles.  
   We’ve hit a standstill in the investigation. It’s late enough in the day that TARU most likely won’t get back to us until the morning and everyone is eyeing the clock.  
   “When are you due?” Nick asks, pulling us all mentally from the case.  
   “October seventeenth.”  
   “Not much longer.” Carisi breathes and I exhale right along with him.  
   It’s not much longer... _Two months or so..._ My eyes are wide as I run through everything we still have left to do.  
   “You ok?” Nick chuckles.  
   “We don’t have a name...” I’m not really responding to Nick, more muttering as I think out loud, “or bottles... pacifiers...” _How did I forget to buy bottles..._ I start frantically making a list of things we still need to get.  
   “I think you broke her.” Rollins chuckles as Rafael and Liv exit her office.  
   “Who broke who?” Liv smiles when she sees everyone else is... everyone but me anyway, not that I’ve noticed.  
   “I just asked when she was due.” Nick chuckles.  
   “Come on Maeve, we can work on this at home.” Rafael bites back his own chuckle when he sees that on my list I’ve bolded and underlined **Pick** **A** **Name!!!**.  
   “Two months Raf... two months.”  
   “Plenty of time.” He hands me my purse and offers his hand so I’ll leave with him.  
   “It’s not plenty of time...” I grumble, reluctantly taking his hand and following him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may regret this but I can’t decide on a name and will take suggestions on which one to use.  
> Options are:  
> Margaret Grisel Barba (this may be my least favorite but I like Maggie and I don’t dislike it...)  
> Lillian Grisel Barba (Probably a Lily)  
> Grisel Alice Barba  
> Malia Grisel Barba  
> Mira Grisel Barba (I really just think Mira is a pretty name... I’m not sure how well this flows or if I care...)
> 
> This will either make me realize which one I really like or let me not have to make a choice. Haha!
> 
> (Grisel will be one of the names.)


	25. Chapter 25

   Rafael gets me home and seated on the couch, the list I was working on at the precinct still clutched in my hand. He grabs a pen and notepad from his office and hands it to me as he sits next next to me on the couch. “What else do we need?”  
   I look up at him and hand everything, including my list, over to him. “That’s the problem... I have no idea.” I know I look panicked... maybe just overwhelmed. I’m not even looking at him, just staring at nothing somewhere passed the coffee table.  
   “Maeve...” This pulls me back to him and my eyes meet his. “Do you want me to look up what other people suggest online and we can narrow down what we think we’ll need from there?”  
   “Yes.” I nod and he pulls me into his side wrapping his arm around me so that I can see his phone as he searches, the notepad and pen laying just to the right of him. It’s very reminiscent of how he takes notes on case files when he doesn’t bother to move to his office... _well minus me being tucked under his arm._  
   He quickly scrolls through the first list we find, not saying anything as he gets an idea of what kinds of things are listed. “How about we create a few categories...” I watch as he writes feeding down on the notepad.  
   “Changing should be one.” I add and he writes it to next to feeding, creating a second column.  
   “Bath?”  
   I nod. “Nursery, clothing, diaper bag, first aide, bedtime...”  
   “How about those and an other column we can place things in that we don’t have a category for.” He’s interrupted my rambling list and chuckled slightly.  
   “We need a swing.”  
   “A swing?”  
   “Something to put her in that will soothe her when we need our arms free to get other things done. I guess it doesn’t have to be a swing necessarily.” I shrug.  
   “A swing then.” He smiles writing it under the other column.  
   “And diapers... we’ll need diapers...”  
   “I would assume.” He smirks.  
   “Yes... but what size do we get? And what brand? How many should we buy now? I don’t want a ton of newborn diapers if she will out grow them before we use them, but I don’t not want to have the size we need, and...”  
   “We’ll get one package of newborn and one a size up from that.”  
   “What if we need more than that?”  
   “Then I’ll go buy more.” Rafael chuckles.  
_I have become an idiot... Yes, Maeve... stores... the places you go to buy things like diapers..._  
   “Should I get a breast pump?” Rafael looks at me and shrugs. “I want to breast feed, but I also want you to be able to feed her and eventually I will be back at work and won’t always be able to...”  
   “Then you should get a pump.” I’m not sure why him saying the word pump makes me giggle, but it does. I suppose laughing is better than appearing completely freaked out.  
   “I’m glad I amuse you.” He smirks, writing breast pump under the feeding column.  
   “Like you haven’t been laughing at me.”  
   “Fair enough.” He smiles, pulling the phone back where we can both see it as we go through a few different list we’ve randomly pulled up on the internet.  
   I’m starting to feel better about everything. We have a lot more than I originally thought and most of the rest of it we can knock out over a couple weekends.  
   “Do you want to make a list for you?”  
   “A list for me?” I’ve furrowed my brow and Rafael clicks on a link titled What To Pack In Your Hospital Bag. _Jesus, there’s more to do..._ “I guess.”  
   “This list is pretty thorough, I can just print it for you and you can mark through what you don’t want.” Rafael suggests after reading through the it.  
   “Ok...” I nod, but my mind is elsewhere as I stare at the words birth plan placed prominently in the first spot on the list.  
   “What?”  
   “Nothing...”  
   “How on earth are you a detective when you are so easy to read?” He chuckles while giving me a ‘spit it out’ look.  
   “Am I suppose to have a birth plan? I mean shouldn’t the hospital know what to do?”  
   “Do you want to look at an example of one?” _The fucker is smirking again..._ I’d be angry if he wasn’t so damn adorable when he was humored... _even if it is slightly patronizing._  
   “Fine.” I huff.  
   “It looks like it’s just a way for you to list certain preferences, what kind of pain relief you’d prefer, who’s in the room with you, birthing position... things like that.”  
   “Birthing position?” I grab his phone and read through the example plan he has pulled up, “Standing? Some people prefer to have their baby while standing?” I’m officially panicked again, because I assume there’s a reason this a preference and I’m completely ignorant as to what it is.  
   “We were planning on signing up for a birthing class, why don’t you make a list of questions to ask.”  
_Sure... be logical. You don’t have to actually have the baby..._ And now I’m panicking for a completely new reason... because in the last seven months I’ve thought about being pregnant... What the baby will need once she’s here... What I can and can’t eat... But I haven’t thought about the actual act of giving birth. _Eventually she has to come out of me..._  
   “Maeve... you don’t look so great.”  
   “I’m fine.” I don’t sound even remotely fine.  
   “Lets go find food. We’ve done enough for tonight.” Rafael nudges me gently to get me to stand, but I don’t. I can’t. Too many thoughts are running through my head. “Maeve?”  
   The concern in his voice snaps me out of my head. “I’m fine.”  
   “You said that already.” He frowns.  
   “I just hadn’t thought about the actual giving birth part of all this...”  
   “That is typically how this ends.” He smirks while placing his hand on my belly and I glare at him. “I’m only teasing...”  
   “I knew that eventually I’d give birth... I just hadn’t thought about the actual process of it. I think I’ve been avoiding thinking about it. I want her in my arms, but I am in no rush to get to that part.” My body shudders at the mental image I have of woman giving birth, mostly things I’ve seen in movies since this is something I’ve never witnessed first hand.  
   “What can I do to help ease your mind a bit?”  
   “Have the baby for me.” I mutter.  
   “Thankfully, that’s not possible.” He chuckles, though quickly stops when I don’t find his comment as funny as he did. “I am serious though, what would help?”  
   “I just need to do more research, understand it bit better. I get the general idea, but maybe I do have certain preferences. I mean if I could do this naturally without a lot of drugs, part me of me feels like that might be better... another part wonders that if an epidural doesn’t harm the baby is it really necessary to go through all the pain...” _There’s got to be some benefit of not living in the dark ages._ “I’d like to know if it possible to choose to have the epidural later if I decide I need it.”  
   Rafael flips to a blank page in his notepad and writes down my questions. “What else?”  
   I glance back at his phone that still has the sample birth plan pulled up. “Make a to research list.” I smile gesturing to the notepad, most of this I just need to read about to see if I have actual questions on it. He moves halfway down the page and makes the subheading, To Research. “Baby eye ointment, vitamin K, hep B vaccine, and delaying bath.” These are things I didn’t even know happened so I want to understand why they are administered and why you might choose to opt out of one or all of them.  
   “Isn’t your mom a nurse?”  
   “A retired scrub nurse, not labor and delivery... My dad and her talked about different surgeries when I lived at home, but those were only the ones they worked together. And my dad... he was always in the operating room with Dr. Kline or Dr. Milton, he was their first choice and they kept my dad pretty busy. I’m sure he’s administered and monitored the anesthesia during a c-section at some point in his career, but that was long before I was born.” I shrug.  
   “Your dad’s an anesthesiologist?”  
   “Retired, why?”  
   “Couldn’t you ask his opinion on an epidural then?”  
   “I could...” I love my dad and I will definitely be calling him to talk about this, but I don’t have to give Rafael the satisfaction of knowing I’ve completely lost my mind and didn’t even think about my parents as resources.  
   “Eres lindo. (You’re cute.)” He’s fighting back a smile.  
   “Jerk.” I huff, cuddling closer to him as he laughs.  
   “You don’t even know what I said?” He no longer bothers to hide his smile.  
   “I don’t need to... you’re much too pleased with yourself for it to have been anything sweet.”  
   “I said you were cute.”  
   “It’s not sweet if it’s patronizing...” I grumble.  
   “I’m not patronizing you... I just find your nervous energy about all of this, well... cute.”  
   “I feel like an idiot...”  
   “You’re not an idiot, believe me... I could never love an idiot.”  
   “You love me?” I pull myself into his lap and coyly smile at him, my arms resting around his neck.  
   “Always.”  
   “I love you too.” I press my lips against his and his arms wrap tightly around me, pulling me closer.  
   “What do you want for dinner?” Rafael exhales as his forehead presses against mine.  
   “Cheese fries.”  
   “You had fries less than four hours ago...”  
   “So.” I shrug, grabbing his hand as I stand. “Maybe when we get back we can...” I wiggle my eyebrows at him playfully.  
   “Sure,” he chuckles, “if you don’t pass out in a food coma the moment we get upstairs.”  
   “Oh... that is a possibility...” I sigh as he guides me to the door, “I can’t help it though... french fries smothered in cheese and bacon... dipped in ranch dressing... How am I supposed to stop eating?”  
   “Do you always eat like a teenager?”  
   “We did date for four months before you knocked me up.” I chuckle.  
   “You’ve been pregnant for so long I can’t remember.”  
   I roll my eyes at the fact that he’s smirking again. “No, I don’t always eat like a teenager. In fact, while I like potatoes, greasy smothered french fries would normally be something I’d never order, so I’m blaming these cravings on your genes.”  
   “I don’t eat overly greasy food.”  
   “Only because you’re a responsible adult who knows that it’s not healthy to eat it all the time... that and it gives you indigestion.”  
   “It is a nice indulgence every once in a while.” He grins.  
   “See... these cravings I have... they’re all you.” I tease and he shakes his head, tugging me closer as we get outside the building.   
   We head toward the little gastropub that has the best loaded cheese fries, a few dishes Rafael really likes, and just happens to stock his scotch, something we found by accident when my only concern was googling places within walking distance that had cheese fries. I’m not even ashamed that they know our names now.  
   “Raf...”  
   “Yes, Maeve.” He smirks as we round the corner the pub is on.  
   “We still haven’t picked a name.”  
   “We will.”  
   I’m not so sure, but I let it go... technically we will have to pick one at some point... even if we just draw the name from a hat. _Ok... I doubt it will come to that._


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I've been neglecting this one, but it's only because I've been a bit blocked on it. I'm still a bit blocked on it... I'm working on that though.
> 
> I've randomly decided to add pictures to this one too... I'm seriously not going to do this all the time, I just keep seeing pictures I think will fit this one. I'll add them to previous chapters, but I'm not exactly sure how long it will take me. 
> 
> Also I don't intend to portray Maeve by anyone so there won't be pictures to represent her added. I've purposely not described her so the reader can determine what she looks like for themselves.

 

It’s been a couple weeks and we still haven’t picked a name, but on a positive note our case is rounding out nicely. It’s going to trial since they refused the plea deal Rafael offered them but none of us expect a loss. That doesn’t mean we’ve slacked off… it’s always the ones you think you’re sure to win that throw a curve ball at you.

“This is a pleasant surprise.” Rafael smiles when I enter his office.

It’s my lunch break and I know he’s busy reviewing his notes and case files so he can write his opening statement, but he sometimes forgets to eat when he gets wrapped up in work. Technically he eats, it’s not an actual meal though… just the snacks he has stashed about his office. I’m being a bit dramatic here… it’s not like the snacks are hoarded in various drawers throughout his office, it’s basically trail mix and chocolates sitting next to his coffee maker, but that’s not the point… the point is it’s not actual food.

“I thought you might want a real lunch today.” I smile, holding up the to go bag I’m carrying.

“Are you staying to eat with me?”

“I was hoping to, but leaving that entirely up to you.” I know how busy he is just before a trial starts.

“I could use a break.”

Rafael stretches a bit as he stands. Despite the fact that the blinds are open, he makes his way closer to me and pulls me into a hug, one I reciprocate by skimming my fingers across his tummy while reaching for his suspenders. I’m met with his lips when I look up at him, but the kiss is brief since we are standing in the middle of his office where anyone walking by could see us.

“We should eat.” Rafael smiles while playing with my hair.

“You were hoping to keep things professional?” I’m teasing and he knows it. We may be a little more handsy than we normally would in a work setting, but there’s no way either of us would take it further than this so publicly. Still, I’m almost eight months pregnant, if someone’s offended by a little kiss during a stolen moment between us they have bigger issues.

“Come on.” He smirks, moving us to his round table and clearing off a space to eat.

“I’m leaning towards Malia.” This comes out a bluntly, but baby names are all I’ve been thinking about this morning. _This morning… the last couple weeks…_

“Ok.” He smiles as he opens the styrofoam container with his food in it.

“You don’t prefer Lillian or Mira or maybe making Grisel her first name?”

“I like Malia.”

“Are you sure? Because once we name her she’s stuck with it.”

“Technically, she can change it if she wants.” Now he’s teasing.

“I’d prefer her not to want to.” I grumble while opening my lunch.

Rafael annoyingly chuckles while shifting his food around with his fork. “I like Malia. It goes well as just Malia Barba, my mom’s going to love that it has a similar feel to her name, and it keeps an M thing going on your side.”

“An M thing?” I have no idea what he’s referencing.

“Mallory, Maeve, and now Malia…”

 _How did I not catch that…_ “Ok.” I exhale.

“We have a name then?” Rafael smiles while gently squeezing my thigh.

“I guess we do."

“When are you taking off work for maternity leave?”

“When I go into labor.”

“Maeve… I’m pretty sure most people take off a little before their due date.”

“Yes, but most people haven’t already used the majority of their vacation days because they were shot and had to take time off from work.” I grumble. When I transferred, my banked vacation days transferred with me, but since I’ve had to take so much time off already, most of the days I was hoping to save to spend at home while getting used to having a baby are gone. This means I’ll have to take time off without pay if I want to extend my maternity leave.

“We’ll be fine if you want to be at home longer than your days allow.”

“I know,” I sigh. It doesn’t change the fact that I want to work as long as I can. There’s not much to do at home before the baby comes anyway. The room is ready and we only have a few things left on our list to get.

Our attention goes to the door when Carmen knocks and pokes her head in. “Mr. Barba.”

“Yes.”

“Lieutenant Benson and the others are here.”

“All of them?” Rafael questions while glancing out the window to see Liv, Fin, Nick, Rollins, and Carisi standing just outside.

“I guess they found something.” I chuckle.

“Send them in.” Rafael sighs.

We continue to eat as the others find places to sit around his office. Nick and Rollins dart to the chairs across from us at his round table, almost knocking Fin down in the process. Fin gives them an annoyed look as Liv takes a seat on the couch and poor Carisi doesn’t seem to know where to go, so he stands in the space between the table and the couch.

“What’s the matter with you two?” Fin mutters moving to sit next to Liv.

“Nothing.” Nick and Rollins reply while staring at the couch and I roll my eyes while kicking Rafael under the table, this is his fault after all. He merely smiles at me and addresses the group.

“Why is everyone in my office, disrupting my lunch?”

“We found the guy with the camera.” Liv says.

“Do I want to know?” Rafael sighs.

“It corroborates the mens claim that they thought they were of age, Frank flat out asks Karen, one of the younger looking girls, how old she is and she lies and tells him she’s eighteen.” Rollins states.

“Doesn’t change the fact that she’s not eighteen or that they engaged in sexual activity in exchange for money.” Rafael shrugs.

He was right though, this detail might lessen their sentence but it wouldn’t deter a jury from convicting them.

“Yes, but when we asked Karen why she lied she shut down and stopped cooperating.” Nick adds.

“I’m going to need you to get to the point soon.”

“When we pushed one of the other girls for information she said that if they gave any indication to their clients that they weren’t of age then they would pay for it when they got home.” Liv said, taking over explaining what they had found to Rafael. “We need to find out who Briggs acquired the girls from.”

“And you want me to offer a more generous plea if Briggs cooperate?”

“Only if he has useful information.” Liv smiles.

“I’ll call Buchanan.” Rafael grumbles, while needlessly stabbing a potato. “Did that really take all of you?”

“No, but…” Carisi sighs and hands Rafael a tablet, “it’s queued up.”

Rafael and I both lean in to watch. It’s Jewel, the girl who said she thought she saw a video camera when she begged for a break. The footage backs up her statement and it’s more uncomfortable to watch than I expect. She’s crying, clearly in pain as they twist her into some contrived position I can’t imagine my own body bending into.

“This helps with the rape charges, she clearly asks them to stop and exchange of money or not, they should have stopped. I’ll see if the judge will allow it into evidence.” Rafael starts to hand the tablet back when Carisi leans down to queue it back up.

“Ok, but look at the back ground.”

We both lean in again. “Is that… who is that?” I asks, taking the tablet from Rafael’s and attempting to zoom in.

“That’s Charlie Astor.” This time Rollins speaks.

 _Jesus…_

Rafael pulls the tablet back where he can see it as well. Charlie Astor can been seen in the background of the shot, dragging one of the girls out the front entrance to the condo.

“Do we know who the girl is?” Rafael asked.

“No. She wasn’t picked up with the others,” Liv replies, “TARU is running her image through NCMEC.”

“Has anyone spoken with Astor?” Rafael asks while lifting a brow.

“That’s why we’re here. His family owns half of Manhattan…”

“That’s a bit of a stretch.” Rafael scoffs, interrupting Carisi.

“Whatever, my point is, if we go talk to him and show him that video, we may want to have more information. He’s got the means to flea and live comfortably in a country with no extradition policy.”

“And you want… what?”

“A warrant to go through his financial records, flight history, social calendars…” Nick answers.

“And you don’t think that will tip him off.” Rafael scoffs.

“So you think we should talk to him first?” Fin asks.

“Go make nice with him, see what he has to say. Don’t show him this,” Rafael hands the tablet back to Carisi, “just tell him someone said he was there… get a read on him and see if you see the girl anywhere. I’ll get you the warrants, but make it out like you’re just following a lead, that you don’t really suspect him, play into his ego and he’ll open up more than you’d expect.”

“Care to share?” Liv’s the one lifting her brows now.

“We have mutual friends and I’ve ran into Charlie a few times at different social events in the past. He likes to talk and he’s obtuse.” Rafael has huffed slightly, like he does when he doesn’t care for someone. It’s the same huff he’s been giving when Buchanan gets mentioned, though I know he doesn’t think Buchanan is an idiot like he seems to think Astor is.

“What’s he shared with you?” Rollins questions.

“Nothing involving underage girls, or women at all for that matter.” Rafael states.

“Carisi and Nick, why don’t you two go talk to Astor. The rest of us will head back and and see what we can find without a warrant while we wait on Barba to finish lunch.” Liv has smirked the last little bit and Rafael rolls his eyes.

“I’ll get you your warrant before I finish eating.”

“Good and send Maeve back once she’s finished as well.” Liv smiles as she stands, the rest of them following her out.

“What social events did you used to attend with Charlie Astor?” I ask this because in the last eleven or so months that I’ve known him we haven’t even attended a work function together.

“Parties and Gala’s when I was networking. I do less of that now.” Rafael smiles.

 

I can’t stare at my screen anymore. I’ve been looking into Astor from the moment I got back to the precinct and since I’m not allowed to do any actual leg work, I’m stuck behind my computer screen.

“Have you found anything?” Rollins asks when she notices me groan and get up from my desk.

I have to stretch my legs and walk around. _Walk… who am I kidding it’s more of a waddle now…_ “No, Astor contributes to charities, hosting different events for them… I mean he’s living off family money, nothing he’s actually accomplished himself, but he at least seems to be trying to give back while doing it.”

“Maybe the guys are having more luck,” Rollins shrugs, getting up from her own computer. “Do you want anything from the machine?” She’s gestured to the vending machine but I shake my head.

I’m constantly hungry, but everything in that machine will give me indigestion. Chips… too greasy, chocolate and sweets… too much processed sugar, at least that’s what I think it is. Nick had been right about my food options becoming limited, it’s a relatively new development that I’m far from happy with. My beloved cheese fries from a week ago decided to make my throat feel as though I had started swallowing fire as a hobby. I can still eat fries in small doses, other forms of potatoes work better for me though, mashed being the easiest but it’s not my favorite to consume. I’ve officially decided that God is in fact male, because no woman would make another woman crave fatty foods during a time period their body is burning more calories due to… you know… creating life, and then make it too painful to enjoy actually eating said fatty foods. It’s some kind of cruel joke.

“I thought you said you didn’t want anything.” Rollins says when I follow her to the machine.

“I don’t but I need to stretch my legs.” I shrug, watching her select a bag of Famous Amos cookies. “Can I have just one of those?”

Rollins furrows her brow, but hands me a cookie. I have discovered that small amounts don’t bother me so much, so the one tiny cookie is fine… If I had bought my own bag I’d end up eating the whole thing and then… well… it’s a problem.

“Are you having a baby shower?”

“No,” I frown, “my mom suggested doing one with family in Portland, but then I’d have to actually take off from work and I’d like to save the little vacation time I have left to extend my maternity leave.”

“I get that,” Rollins nods, “have you met many people here?”

“We kind of live at work.” I chuckle.

“This is true.” Rollins smiles.

“A shower’s really not that big of a deal. I’m not a huge fan of being the center of attention anyway and Rafael and I have already picked up most of what we’ll need. His mom has bought stuff and so have my parents… it’s worked out all right.”

 

Rafael notices that I keep shifting in on the car ride home. He doesn’t say anything, but he continues to side eye me every time I readjusted in the seat. He still doesn’t say anything as I grumble with each step on our path to the apartment. When I sit on the bottom of the steps leading upstairs, instead of ascending them, he decides to quit holding tongue.

“You ok?”

“I’m fine. My feet hurt, my back hurts, all my organs have been smushed and rearranged to accommodate your growing baby, but I’m fine.”

Rafael chuckles and moves to stand in front of me. “What do you want?”

“Nothing.” I grumble.

“You’re irritable, which means you want something specific to eat and I’m assuming that since you have sat on the stairs instead of hinting at getting it, you know that something will make you feel worse.”

“I want cheese fries from our little gastropub.” I’ve huffed and he’s laughed which hasn’t made me any happier.

“How about I bake some of those frozen fries you bought and we can sprinkle a little cheese on at the end.”

_Baking might make them less greasy…_

“Can you bake a piece of bacon with them and sprinkle that on too?”

“Only if you eat slowly and stop when you start to feel full.” He smiles.

“Deal.”

“Go change out of your work clothes.” He smirks while heading to kitchen to preheat the oven.

“I can’t… body’s too sore to climb the stairs. I’ve decided to only complete that task once a day from now on… at bed time.”

Rafael rolls his eyes and passes me on the stairs as he heads to our bedroom. “Here.” He calls over the railing, dropping my pajamas directly on my head.

“Thank you.” I yell back, not even bothering to move from the steps as I change.

“Are you just going to leave your clothes on the stairs?” Rafael chuckles on his way to the kitchen to start my fries and whatever he plans to eat.

“I’ll take them upstairs when we go to bed.”

I’ve moved to the couch and stretched my feet out on the coffee table. The position isn’t as comfortable after a few minutes, but it’s mostly my back. I find sitting at my desk versus moving around all day makes me feel worse when I get home. Rafael smiles as he watches me awkwardly shift to shove a pillow behind my back.

“Better?”

“For now.”

“Is it really that bad?” Rafael asks as he sits down next to me, both of our dinners in the oven.

“I had no idea being pregnant put this much strain on your body, I mean it makes sense if you actually think about it… I just never really thought about it.”

“Oh my…”

“What?” I sound defensive because he’s looking at my feet.

“You’re feet are huge.”

“I know,” I sigh, trying to hide one behind the other, “I think it’s because I’m either sitting all day or finding an excuse to get up and move around, neither of which elevate my feet.”

“Do you think it would be beneficial to take off work before the baby is actually due?”

“Or I can try to elevate my feet a bit throughout the day.” I shrug.

“Maeve…”

“Raf…” I’ve stretched his name out just as he’s stretched out mine.

“I just don’t want you to try to do too much toward the end if you’re already feeling this bad when you still have a month and a half left.” Rafael sighs, taking my hand in his.

“I don’t really feel bad, I’m just uncomfortable and I’m going to be uncomfortable whether I’m at home or at work.”

“If it gets to be too much…”

“Then I’ll take off.” I smile, leaning against his side as I pull his fingers to where Malia is kicking me.


	27. Chapter 27

 

I had left work before Nick and Carisi returned from visiting with Charlie Astor. Turns out he had heard about the party from an acquaintance and went to see if his wife’s favorite cousin’s daughter, Keri, was among the girls. Keri had disappeared six months ago and Mary, Charlie’s wife, had hired a PI to help her cousin locate her. The PI had indicated that there was a good chance Keri was among the girls and Charlie took the opportunity to get her back while he had it.

It was easy enough to verify. Keri had been added to NCMEC at the time of her disappearance and had verified that she had, _her words not mine,_ stupidly met up with someone she met online. The only reason she resisted against Charlie when he grabbed her was because she hadn’t recognized him. She had obviously met Mary, but it was mostly Mary visiting them in Upstate New York, not her and her mom coming into the city. Charlie had visited when she was younger but not recently enough that she recognized him. It wasn’t until he got Keri back to the house and she saw Mary that she calmed down… broke down in tears rather… the six month ordeal finally being over.

“It’s nice when something turns out to not be what you expect.” Fin smiles from his desk.

“Definitely.” I smile back.

Carisi stares at my feet and rolls his eyes.

“What?” I huff. It’s not like I’m barefoot with my feet propped up on the desk for the whole precinct to see how swollen they are.

“You have to sit like Barba now too?”Carisi’s grumbles and stands to file his report.

“I’m sorry if my attempt to prevent some swelling in my feet is bothering you.”

He looks less annoyed when he sits back down across from me. “Are you eating foods high in potassium?”

“I don’t know…” _Like bananas… I’m not exactly a fan._

“You should be… and sleep on your left side. Also, soak your feet in Epsom salt… Oh, and have Barba massage your feet with arnica oil. My sister Theresa swore by that stuff.”

“Would you write all that down for me?” I chuckle, but it’s not at Carisi… it’s at the idea of Rafael rubbing my feet. It isn’t something we’ve ever done, but I assume he would be willing.

“I was only trying to help.” Carisi grumbles.

“I’m sorry, I’m laughing at the thought of Raf massaging my feet. I really do appreciate the help. Please, write it down for me.”

“Here,” Carisi smiles while handing me a small piece of paper, “you can google foods high in potassium for yourself.”

“Thanks.” I balance my laptop on my belly an do just that.

 

Since our Astor’s lead didn’t go the direction we thought it would, the trial has continued as planned. After the first day Buchanan contacted Rafael, indicating that Briggs might have more information if the most recent plea deal was still on the table. Liv and Rafael met with him and based on the information he had given, they had agreed on a deal for Briggs, but it wasn’t as nice as the one Rafael had originally offered when they initially went back to him for more info. Between the information Briggs had given and Keri’s statement we had enough to open a new investigation, this one into a sex trafficking ring that’s targeting underage girls on the internet, grooming them to work a variety of parties.

We are having a hard time locating the contact Briggs had finally given up. We assume the name Briggs was given is an alias, so we’re investigating from the how they got in contact angle, as well as seeing if the alias has been used before. As usual, I’m restricted to a research only role, but in this particular case I’m not going to complain. The hormones in my system couple with the fact that I’m having a girl is making me alternate between tearing up or wanting to hide Malia away until she’s eighteen. _And if I spend any amount of time thinking about the cases we’ve worked, it be much longer than that._

 

“What’s all this?” Rafael asks when he gets home to find me sitting at the dining table with my feet soaking in an Epsom bath.

I’ve picked up a small plastic storage bin, filled it with warm water, and added in the salt. It feels good regardless of whether it helps with the swelling or not.

“An Epsom salt bath for my feet.”

Rafael chuckles and shakes his head.

“What? Carisi said it would help with the swelling.”

“He knows this from personal experience?”

I roll my eyes. “His sister.”

“What made you listen to Carisi?” He chuckles.

“My feet actually do feel better…” I grumble.

Rafael continues to chuckle while moving closer to me and setting the bag of food he’s carrying down on the table. He lifts my foot and examines it. “Hmmm… it actually looks normal sized.”

I glare at him and pull my foot away, dunking it back in the tub. “Just for that you can dump the water out of the tub.”

“What?” He smirks. “I said it was normal sized and I brought you food.”

“What kind of food?” I lift my head as though peering into the bag even though I can’t see anything from where I’m sitting.

“A variety of sides… all bland enough that they won’t bother you.”

“Did you get that squash casserole thing?”

“I did.”

“And extra mushy cooked carrots?”

“Yes, and double mashed potatoes.” Rafael smiles.

“Have I mentioned I love you.”

“So I’m off the hook for dumping the water?” He smirks while wiggling his finger at my feet.

“No… I seriously shouldn’t lift it. It’s kind of heavy.”

“You should have waited for me then.” His eyes widen and he almost sounds scolding.

“Relax, I filled it one bowl at a time.” I’ve gestured over my shoulder to the large mixing bowl sitting next to the kitchen sink.

Rafael grabs a couple plates from the kitchen and joins me at the table. He arranges my sides on one of the plates and then arranges his own food.

“How’s the trial going?”

“It’s not.” Rafael takes a bite and I furrow my brow. “We made a deal.” He states with a mouth full of food, only elaborating once he’s swallowed. “It was a first time offense, I only offered what the judge would have sentenced them to anyway. They’ll do a little time, save a bit of embarrassment and hopefully think twice before trying to buy woman for the night in the future.”

“We have video of them forcing a sixteen year old who was begging them to stop.”

“A video the judge didn’t allow in as evidence, not to mention the same video shows her telling them she’s eighteen.” Rafael counters.

“Still doesn’t seem right.” I grumble.

“I agree, but it was the best I was going to get.”

“I guess I can just over compensate by going after the people who put those girls in this position to begin with…” I mutter while pushing a carrot around my plate.

“Uh, Cariño…” Rafael purses his lips in an attempt not to laugh, “you may be on maternity leave by the time they find the people responsible.”

“And whose fault is that?” I huff.

“I don’t remember you complaining in the moment.”

“Yeah, yeah… that’s because you effected my ability to think clearly.”

“I don’t effect it anymore?” He’s lifted a brow and leaned in closer to me.

“Maybe a little.” I smile, closing the bit of space between us to press my lips to his.

 

I hate to admit that Rafael is right, but it’s been a month and we’re no closure to finding a lead on our sex trafficking ring. Other cases have come up that have taken priority and everyone is walking around like I could burst at any moment. Labor. The part of all this I was dreading, now seems both terrifying and simultaneously a welcomed relief.

“When are you due again?” Rollins questions when Rafael enters the bullpen.

“October seventeenth.” I’m pretty sure she’s trying not to laugh. “What?”

“You just look like you’re later than your due date, not two weeks out.” This time she does laugh and I’m pleased when Rafael scolds her for me.

We’re all gathering in the conference room to go over details of a case Liv said we just picked up. It’s all been vague, but she’s called in Rafael too so I assume there’s more to whatever this is and her plan is to give us all the details at once. At least that’s what I thought until we enter and the room is filled with purple baby decorations and a cake on the table with sloths on it and congratulations scripted across the top.

“I told you I didn’t like being the center of attention…” I whisper to Rollins.

“This was Liv’s doing and I’m pretty sure it’s more for Barba than you.” She shrugs.

I’d hardly noticed that Rafael had left my side, moving closer to speak with Liv. This won’t be so bad since he’s here with me. It puts the attention on both of us, not just me, and it’s just SVU. Liv has thankfully toned things down, not a full on baby shower thing with goofy games, just the seven of us eating cake while Rafael and I open presents. 

“Here.” Nick grins, handing me a bag.

“You didn’t have to get us anything.” I smile as I peek inside the bag.

I set a couple hard baby books on the conference table along with a variety of onesies varying in sizes. At the bottom of the bag is a coffee mug. I pull it out, almost assuming it is for Rafael, but pause and chuckle when I see what is written on it.

“What?” Rafael asks while curiously leaning over to see for himself.

In a cute script it says, ‘But first, mommy needs coffee.’

“I have gone without coffee for close to eight months now.” I chuckle, holding the mug accusingly towards Nick.

“Not without complaint.” He smirks.

Rafael pulls a gift bag at random. It happens to be from Carisi, who starts to explain his gift before Rafael can even get into it. “If you want to exchange some of the books out I included a gift receipt.”

Rafael set the books next to Nick and his explanation makes more sense. Two of them are duplicates.

“You may want to hang on to the second book,” Liv chuckles, “Noah’s went through a stage of chewing on those when he was teething.”

Carisi had included a tiny comfort blanket with a sloth head and arms attached to it, a few other actually useful items, and a NYPD onesie that I hadn’t even known existed, but now can’t wait to put her in.

Fin pushes his gift toward Rafael. It’s smaller than the others, all but one anyway, and once Rafael pulls it out I see why. There’s a single onesie inside and a gift card sitting on top.

“I figured you would find more things you needed once the baby actually got here.” Fin shrugs.

“I would imagine.” I smile.

Rafael unfolds the onesie and smiles. “Lucky is an understatement.”

I pull the onesie so that I can see it and chuckle. It has, ‘I’m cute, mom’s cute, dad’s lucky’ printed on the front.

“I’d agree with that.” Nick laughs.

“Here.” Rollins smirks handing me the other bag that was the same size as Fin’s.

I open it and immediately laugh.

“What is it?” Rafael smiles and I hold up a onesie that says ‘Future smartass, just like my daddy.’ “Thanks.” He huffs, but he’s still smiling.

I hold up the gift card that’s to the same store as Fin’s. “Did you two go shopping together?”

“Maybe…” Rollins smiles.

There’s only one bag left on the table and Rafael pulls it closer. After removing a massive amount of tissue paper, he pulls out a coffee mug with Baby Daddy on it.

“Thanks.” It’s Rafael’s sarcastic chuckle and Liv can no longer keep a straight face.

“I’m only kidding, here.” She sets a bag that’s been hidden under the table in front of him.

It’s probably the bag with the most stuff inside. Rafael pulls out a few more books, placing them with the others. We now officially have two copies of both Jimmy Fallon’s Mama and Dada books, Corduroy, and Olivia. I find it somewhat amusing that neither Olivia’s came from Liv.

Rafael adds a couple more stuffed animals to the stack and pulls out a set of two coffee mugs, one with mommy and the other daddy scripted on it, both with established and the current year along the bottom. They look really nice and I’m now officially jonesing for coffee… _coffee that I can’t have_ … The last thing out of the bag is a collection of lawyer related onesies; ‘I want my lawyer (AKA Dad),’ ‘Don’t drop me, my daddy’s a lawyer,’ ‘Daddy’s little co-counsel,’ and my person favorite, ‘Attorney Work Product.’ _This is because she was conceived in his office… not that they need to know that._

“Thanks for this.” I smile, gesturing to the mini baby shower they’ve put together.

“Yes, thank you.” Rafael echos while glancing at each of them.

“We’re family.” Liv smiles, patting him on the shoulder as she and the others get up to head back to work. _We do technically still have an on going case._

Rafael looks at me funny when I don’t move from my chair. “You ok?”

“I am, just really comfortable.”

“That’s a miracle.” He laughs.

“Tell me about it. You know… if you really love me… you’d bring my laptop in here and cut me another piece of cake.” I’m smiling at him with my hand resting on my comically large belly… _or maybe I just feel it’s absurdly oversized…_

“I can do that.” He gives me kiss on the cheek and heads for the door.

“Oh, and the legal pad that’s sitting next to my laptop.”

“Anything else?” He chuckles, pausing to look at me from the threshold.

“My pen.”

He shakes his head and continues his light chuckle as he exits. _I should have had him cut me the slice of cake first…_

Rafael returns with the items moments later, setting them within reach on the table. “How big of a piece?” He ask as he hovers over the cake.

“Not too big.” He starts to move the knife to cut the piece when I change my mind. “Maybe a little bigger.”

“Here?” Rafael moves the knife out a bit and I shake my head while motioning to keep going. “Here?” He chuckles.

“That should be good.” I’ll have to eat it slowly so it doesn’t give me heart burn, but I’ve got time.

He finishes plating my cake and sets it and a fork close to me and disappears out of the conference room.

“Here, if you’re going to eat that much sugar you should drink some water too.” He smirks when he returns, setting a bottle next to the cake I’ve already taken a couple bites from.

“Thanks.” I smirk as he leans down to kiss me.

“I’ll swing by around six to help load all this in the car, ok.” He’s telling me this so that I don’t call for a car and load it myself… _like I wouldn’t utilize Nick and Carisi if he weren’t available._

“Ok.” I use his tie to tug him back to my lips for one last kiss before letting him head back to his office.


	28. Chapter 28

 

I’m not sure how I knew today would be different, but I did. When I first woke up, things just felt off. Not bad, or concerning… just off. I had mild cramping through most of the morning while getting ready for work. It wasn’t bad, just a tightness for a few seconds… and it only happened a couple, maybe three times before we left for work. At first I thought it was the fact that I gave into cravings and ate the loaded french fries that I like from our little gastropub for dinner last night. I hadn’t had them in forever and while I won’t say that the heartburn was worth it, I don’t regret eating them either. At least not until my stomach started feeling weird. By the time Rafael dropped me off at work I was pretty sure it had nothing to do with what I had eaten the night before.

“You ok?” Rafael looks concerned because we pulled up to the precinct more than a moment ago, but I haven’t move yet.

“Yeah, sorry. I was thinking about something I need to look up when I get to my desk.” I smile, leaning over to kiss him before slipping out of the car.

_It’s not a total lie…_ I do plan to look up signs of labor when I get to my desk. I just also couldn’t move yet due to what I’m pretty sure was a contraction. Part of me feels that I should have told him, but I’m not sure if what I think is happening is really happening. There really isn’t any point in worrying him until I’ve obsessed over it myself for the majority of the morning… or until I know for sure I’m in labor… whichever comes first.

I sit down at my desk and boot my computer. We took a labor class… I took notes… it’s what I do. The problem is those notes are at home, because with everything going through my mind this morning, I didn’t think to grab them. _Dr. Google it is…_

“Find anything?” Carisi’s simple question causes me to jump. “Why are you always so jumpy?” He’s trying to hide it, but he’s laughing at me.

“I just wasn’t expecting… never mind… no I haven’t found anything.” _How can I find something I’m not actually looking for…_ I should probably start working at some point, but does it really matter if I am in labor… “Hey Carisi?”

“Yeah?”

“How did your sister know she was in labor?”

“Are you in labor?”

I’ve rolled my eyes. _What part of my question made him think I knew the answer to that?_ “I don’t know…”

“Do you want me to call Barba?”

“I want you to help me figure out if I am or not… and then I’ll call him.”

“Ok. How do you feel?”

“Not great.” I grimace while gripping my desk.

“And you’re not sure you're in labor?”

“Shut up.” I mutter, lessening the grip I have on my desk.

“Are you timing them?”

“No.”

He’s quiet while he searches for something on his phone. “Let me know when the next one happens and I’ll time it for you.”

“You’ll time it?”

“I downloaded an app.” He holds it up for me to see.

“You’re very calm.”

“You’ve been sitting across from me for forty minutes and that’s the first time I’ve seen you grimace in pain, so I’m pretty sure you have a ways to go.”

For some reason this actually settles my nerves a bit. “Do you think I should call Rafael?”

“Sooner rather than later, but I also think he’ll freak out so you might want to wait until the contractions are closer together.”

“Like how close?” He shrugs his shoulders. “That’s helpful…”

Carisi chuckles. “How about when they’re fifteen minutes apart?”

“Ok.” I vaguely remember something about five-one-one… meaning the contractions are five minutes apart, last for a minute each, and that’s been going on for an hour. “Can you take me home so I can grab my hospital bag… just in case…”

I guess I look panicked, because he’s laughed again. “Sure, come on.”

 

“This is where Barba lives?”

I start to close the elevator gate, but Carisi takes the handle from me and finishes the job. “What did you expect?”

“Not a loft in a converted warehouse.”

“It’s only on the third floor, but the space is nice.” I smile and press the button for our floor.

Carisi looks around the living space when I let us in, failing to follow me to the stairs. “Carisi?”

“Yeah?”

“I will need your help to get upstairs.”

“Oh, sorry.” He quickly moves behind me and hesitates on where to put his hands.

“Just push on my lower back with each step.” I chuckle. “On the way down I just need you in front of me.”

“Is this what Barba does?” He asks as we ascend the steps.

“No.” I chuckle again, but this time it’s because Rafael pushes on my butt, occasionally squeezing while smiling at me as I roll my eyes.

Carisi follows me though the bedroom and master bath to the walk in closet. “Jeez his suits are organized…”

“He’s nothing if not methodical.” I grab my bag and set it on the bathroom counter while double checking that I have packed everything I will need.

I bought an extra charger for both of our phones, so I don’t need to grab the ones we use nightly. The only things I do need to grab are underwear and an outfit to wear home. I’ve had this bag packed for weeks with the exception of the things I’m still currently using… and Malia’s going home outfit. I’m having a hard time deciding which one I want.

Carisi is still in the closet when I start looking through my outfits. “Should I take maternity clothes to go home in?”

“You think you stomachs going to magically flatten after you give birth?”

Part of me wants to find his comment annoying, but I also know he’s right and pull out my maternity jeans and one of my more casual tops. I grab a few pairs of underwear and head back to my bag. This time Carisi follows.

“This place is nice.”

“It’s got character and the space is utilized well. Raf did a nice job decorating too.” I zip the bag and hand it to him. “One more stop.” Carisi furrows his brow, but follows me to Malia’s room. “Should I bring a couple outfits… I mean a few sizes… since I don’t actually know how big she’ll be.”

“I would bring a newborn and premie, just in case she comes out small. Oh and make it simple.”

“Make it simple?”

“The outfit. Theresa put Mia in this elaborate gown thing to go home in. She was cute, but it ended up being more of a pain than it was worth. Keep in mind their necks aren’t strong and you will want to be able to hold her easily. You don’t want her clothing to get in the way while you’re getting the hang of everything.”

“So a onesie, pants, socks, hat, and a jacket?”

“How are you getting home from the hospital?”

“Rafael’s car service has installed our carseat base.” I set out a few options on the changing table.

Carisi takes the tiny hoodie I’ve pulled out and places it back in the drawer. “I’d take a small blanket over a jacket. She’ll fit in the car seat better and you can place the blanket over her after she’s secure.”

“Like this one?” I ask, pulling out the small blanket Lucia got us.

“That’ll work. I’d bring two onesies and pants in each size, just incase one gets dirty.”

“She’ll be a couple days old… not playing in the dirt.”

“Blowouts happen.” I’ve scrunched up my face in disgust and all Carisi can do is laugh at me. “You’ll get over your aversion to poop.”

“Poop?”

“Poop.” He smirks.

I shake my head in amusement and assess my bag. “I think that’s it.”

“The rooms cute.” Carisi smiles, taking in the babies room for the first time.

“Thanks.” I stand back and take in the room that’s been completed, but lacking it’s resident for a while now. “I tend to find myself in here a lot, especially when Raf has to work late or gets called in… I sit in the rocking chair and just kind of look around, trying to imagine what it’ll be like when she’s here.” I reach for the closest piece of furniture when another contraction hits, gripping the crib tightly as I attempt to breathe despite seeming to have forgotten how. I can roughly make out Carisi with his phone pulled out next to me. When it finally subsides,I have to stretch my fingers from where I white knuckled the railing to her bed.

“I’m pretty sure the next time you’re in here, you’ll actually be holding Malia.”

I smile and then internally panic. “How long was that one?”

“Forty seconds.” Carisi shrugs.

“Felt longer.” I grumble.

“The one before it was thirty minutes ago so I’m pretty sure you’ve still got a ways to go.”

“Back to work then?”

“Back to work.” He smiles and slips the bag over his shoulder.

 

I had another contraction on the way back to the precinct and I freaked out a bit. It had only been ten minutes since the last one, but it had also hadn’t been nearly as painful and only lasted fifteen seconds. Carisi assured me that they wouldn’t be uniform, but to look at how they were progressing overall. He’s been oddly calming to have around this morning.

“What’s with the bag?” Rollins asks as we enter the bullpen. I don’t exactly get an opportunity to respond before I’m gripping the back of the nearest chair. “Oh… oh.” Her voice is annoyingly higher pitched on the second oh.

“What’s going on?” That’s Nick’s voice, breaking through the pain.

“Maeve’s in labor.” Rollins replies.

“Does Barba know?” There isn’t a response to Nicks question, so I assume Rollins has shrugged. My eyes are tightly closes so I can’t know for sure.

“Forty five seconds.” Carisi states when I stand upright again.

“Thanks.” I grumble, but it’s at the fact that I can no longer hide the fact that I’m in labor.

I waddle to my desk and sit. “Do you need anything?” Nick is standing next to me.

“Water, and I’m actually kind of hungry.”

“Oh you should eat if you can. Maria didn’t and she was starving by the time she actually gave birth. I’ll grab you something from the machine.” Nick rushes out of the bullpen, almost running into Liv and Fin as they enter.

“What’s with the bag?” Fin asks, eying my bag that’s still draped across Carisi’s shoulder.

“Maeve’s in labor.” I shoot Rollins a look trying to imply I would kill her if I could move faster than a waddle. “It’s not like it wouldn’t be obvious in another ten minutes.” She chuckles.

_Ten minutes my ass…_ “Fuck..” I groan, gripping my desk and pushing against the ground as hard as I can with my feet. This doesn’t actually help, but for some reason I think it does.

“Forty five seconds.” Carisi says when I look at him.

“I long in between?”

“Five.”

“Shouldn’t it take longer for them to get closer together?” _Jesus, I can hear the panic in my own voice…_

“You want me to call Barba?” This came from Liv.

“No, I will. I was about to anyway.” I was originally going to wait until they were more consistent, to give him a little extra time at work, but I’m kind of freaking out now and it’s only fair that he’s here freaking out with me. I pull my phone out, completely aware that all eyes are on me. Even Nick, who’s carrying an arm load of snacks toward my desk, is watching as I make this call.

“Hey Maeve.” I can tell he’s smiling by the way he’s said my name so I’m fairly confident I’m not interrupting.

“Raf, hey… I think I might be… well I guess I know I am, but I don’t think it’s happening yet… I mean you have time if you need to finish up something…”

“What are you rambling about?”

“Ok, I’m going to tell you, but don’t freak out.”

“That would be easier if you were acting strange.”

“I’m in labor.”

“Ok… ok… ok.” He’s taken a breath between each ok.

“Raf?”

“What do I need to do?”

“Can you come freak out with me at the precinct?”

“I’ll be there in a minute.”

I set my phone on my desk and look at the others around me. “He’s on his way.”

 

The rest of the day is a blur. Rafael barely left my desk, while Carisi continued to time my contractions, a task neither of us bothered to take from him. I think we both realized we were too nervous to remember to time each one, where as Carisi seemed to have his phone out before I even knew the contraction was happening.

I think we finally decided it was time to go to the hospital around four that afternoon… I could be wrong. Liv drove us, dropping us off close to the labor and delivery entrance. For as much downtime as we actually had, the time spent in the hospital flew by… possibly because I was gripping the bed railing every couple minutes while curling into a ball in a vain attempt to alleviate some pain.

“Why do I feel it in my back?” I mutter as the latest contraction subsides.

“It could be she’s facing up instead of down.” The nurse shrugs.

“You mean breached?”

“No. Most babies are born facing the spine, about a third are flipped so that their skull pushes against the spine. The result is a harsh pain radiating from your back.”

“Is it a dangerous position for the baby to be in?” Rafael’s been at my side this whole time.

“No, it just hurts worse.”

“Great…” I mutter. I can be petty now that I know she’s fine.

My original intent was to do this naturally… I’m not sure why. I’ve never been one to oppose modern medicine… I mean, my father’s an anesthesiologists. And after another hour of excruciating back pain with every contraction, I tap out and ask for an epidural. Time slows down after that. Rafael actually gets to sit for a bit, while I call my mom to let her know Malia would be here soon. I suggest he calls Lucia, but he already had… I’m not sure when though.

It’s late when they have me actually start pushing. Up til that point they were simply monitoring the contractions I could barely feel. This part went by really fast. I mean I remember stirrups and pushing and Rafael looking… well rather disgusted at one point, so let’s just skip to when they placed Malia in my arms.

“You’re baby girl is prompt.” The nurse smiles as she lays her on my chest.

“Prompt?” I’m the one who says it, but Rafael and I are both looking at her.

“Her due date is October seventeenth correct?”

“Yes.”

“Well she she was born at exactly one minute after midnight.” We are both still looking at her like she’s speaking gibberish. “On her due date… October seventeenth…”

“Oh…” I chuckle, “that’s kind of neat. I mean who is actually born on their due date?”

“I was.” Rafael smirks.

“Of course you were.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“You’re right. You’re just very punctual and have been since birth.”

“And I suppose you were late…” He grumbles.

“No… I was born a week early.”

“You do like to be early.” He glances at the nurse. “You don’t suppose there’s some sort of correlation do you?”

She laughs, but she’s clearly amused. “I couldn’t tell you, but I know that I was two weeks early and I’m pretty much late for everything.”

“No correlation then…” Rafael muses.

“You could always take a pole… maybe I’m an outlier.” The nurse smirks as she continues to check Malia vitals.

 

They move us to the room we’ll be staying in until Malia and I are discharged, which maybe as soon as tomorrow. I’m a bit petrified to take her home. We’ve been awake for almost twenty for hours, with no signs of sleeping anytime soon. Nurses keep coming in and out of the room, Malia keeps needed something… that’s not a complaint, I also can’t stop looking at her. It just means I’ve given up on the idea of sleep at this point. I’m also wired from everything that’s happened.

“Are you hungry?” Malia is nursing, or I’m at least attempting to nurse her, and I realize I haven’t eaten since the snacks Nick brought me from the vending machine.

“You want me to go grab something?” Rafael asks.

“There’s a great bagel place across the street,” the nurse interjects, “it’s been open since five and they deliver.”

“Do you have their number?” I hand Malia to Rafael and readjust myself.

“And a menu.” She smiles. “Give me a minute.”

“Do you think they have coffee?”

Rafael sits next to me on the bed. “It’s a bagel place. I’m willing to bet they have coffee.”

“Can I have coffee?”

He shrugs and lifts his brows at me. “Ask the nurse.”

She reenters the room moments later and hands Rafael a copy of the menu.

“Can I drink coffee?” I’ve blurted the question so quickly that it make her chuckle.

“Yes, you can have coffee.”

I smile at Rafael. “I want coffee.”

“Then you’ll get coffee, now pick out food.” He hands me the menu and takes Malia to the small couch that we’ve been told folds out into a bed.

 

The food arrives at the same time Lucia does, which works out well since she can love on Malia while we eat. I scoot back in me bed and sit cross legged, with the over bed table pull close enough for Rafael to sit at the end.

“She’s precious Rafi.” Lucia beams from across the room. Malia’s tucked in her arms, quietly sleeping.

“I can’t argue with that.” He smiles.

“Have you two thought about marriage at all?”

I grin at Rafael who rolls his eyes. “No mami. I promise when we decide to get married, you’ll be the first to know.”

“You two are clearly happy with each other…” She’s half pouting, half scolding. It’s some form of guilt trip I’m not sure I’ve ever actually witness before.

“That we are.” He smirks, her words seeming to not have an effect him. _She’s probably done it his whole life…_

“When are your parents coming?”

“They are driving down as we speak. My mom booked a hotel a few blocks from our place so they can help out while they’re here.”

Lucia nods. “That’s nice, maybe we can all do dinner together one night.”

“Dinner, breakfast, lunch… all of the above. We can use as much help as possible while we adjust.” I smile.

“You do realize you’ve given my mother permission to just drop by whenever…” Rafael mumbles.

“Believe me,” I chuckle, “when you get to take a nap next week you’ll thank me.”

“Shit… speaking of next week, I need to call McCoy.” He frantically searches for his phone and then pauses before stepping out of the room. “I may have to go in to finish up a few things before I can officially take time off.”

“That’s fine. My parents will be here and so will your mom. Finish up what you need to to pass your cases off and then you’ll be ours for a few weeks.” He’s using banked vacation days so that we can spend some time at home as a family.

“Ok.” He smiles, literally running into Liv as he starts out the door again. “I’ll be right back.” He smiles at her and then squeezes between her and the group that’s following.

“They let all of you up?” I chuckle as they fill the tiny room.

“I flashed my badge.” Fin quips.

Lucia stands and passes Malia off to Liv, who smiles larger than I think I’ve ever seen her… _of course I’ve never actually seen her with Noah._

Rollins pushes up to her tip toes and glance over Liv’s shoulder. “She looks grumpy.”

“She’s sleeping, no one looks grumpy when they sleep.” I chuckle, pushing up to look for myself.

“She does kind of look pissed off.” Carisi chuckles.

“Maybe that’s because five people just entered the room and are disturbing her sleep.” I counter, though I have to admit she looks a little grumped.

“Or she takes after Barba.” Nick grins, but I knew one of them would go there. It was too easy.

“You say that like I’d mind.” I smile.

“Mind what?” Rafael asks as he joins us.

“If Malia ends up as stubborn as you are.” Nick chuckles.

“I’m not stubborn. I’m very much willing to admit when I’m wrong…I’m just rarely wrong.”

“Right…” Rollins says while side eying him.


	29. Chapter 29

 

They let us go from the hospital much too early. _Ok, not really..._ I’m fine. Malia’s fine. There was no medical reason to keep us. I have just realized I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

It was easy in the hospital with everyone around to help out and nurses checking in every few hours... now it’s just Rafael and me. _Neither of us have actual baby experience._ Lucia’s gone home for the evening and my parents are back at their hotel room, leaving us alone for the first time, trying to keep her alive over night.

This shouldn’t be that hard, all she does is sleep, eat, and poop... but it is. It feels like she’s awake again the second we drift back off to sleep. I’ve tried to convince Rafael to continue to sleep, I’m the one who has to feed her anyway, but I’m pretty sure his waking is involuntary. _Who would have thought one tiny baby could be so loud?_

“Go sleep on the couch, Raf.” I nudge the half awake man next to me before pulling Malia from her bassinet.

“If you’re up I’m up.” He murmurs as his eyelids drift closed again.

“That’s just stupid. If we’re both up at the same time who will take over so the other can have a nap? Besides, you have to go into work tomorrow and actually function.”

He’s lightly snoring next to me again, my previous words going unheard. I glance at the clock to see that it’s almost three... hopefully she’ll only wake one more time before my parents get here in the morning. If it’s like this one, perhaps he’ll at least get a little consecutive sleep in before the alarm goes off.

 

I’ve felt like I’ve been walking around on autopilot for a week now. Rafael is officially home, but since I’ve never been one to really nap this whole waking every four hours thing, _which is really every two hours once she’s fed and I actually manage to fall back asleep_ , is really getting to me. I’ve tried to take one, everyone has forced me to go upstairs to sleep, but I tend to just lay there. No matter how tired I am, I still end up staring at the ceiling running through a list of things I still need to do.

“Maeve?” Rafael’s voice pulls my attention to him. “Your father asked if you wanted to split a piece of chocolate cake with him.”

I shift my gaze from Rafael to my father, both of them seeming a bit concerned which makes me wonder how long it actually took them to get my attention. “I would, and perhaps I should take a nap when we get home.”

“I think that might be wise.” My father smirks.

We should have brought food in instead of going out, but I feel like I haven’t left the house in months. _Yes… I’m exaggerating, but it has been a while._ Today was the first day I actually put something on other than pajamas or yoga pants… or did something with my hair besides throw it in a pony tail.

“You go back to work in two weeks?” My mom looks concerned when Rafael nods.

He’s been home a week and has opted to only take three weeks off now so he can take a week off at Thanksgiving and a full two weeks off at Christmas. _Of course this is all contingent on what cases SVU picks up…_ It’s only two weeks between his return to work and Thanksgiving… two weeks that my parents will be back in Maine and Lucia will be at work… leaving me to keep her alive during the day all by myself. _I can barely take care of myself right now._ I’m not quite sure how I’m going to manage this alone.

“Are you going to be ok on your own?” This my mom directs at me. _Is it that obvious?_

“It’s still two weeks out, I’m sure we’ll have a system by then.” I’m not sure who I’m trying to reassure, me or her.

“I can stay a little longer if needed.”

I’m half tempted to take her up on this, but surely we can figure this out. Women do it all the time without help at all… _men too…_ I can manage two weeks. “We’ll be ok.”

“I can stop by after work to help out if Rafi has to work late.” Lucia smiles as Rafael pulls a screaming Malia from her carrier.

“I’d appreciate that.” I really do too, we’re getting along better. She still really wants us to get married, but other than that she seems to have warmed up to me.

I reach for Malia, but Rafael shakes his head, motioning with his head toward the cake being set between my father and me. She managed to sleep through the meal and Rafael didn’t order dessert so I suppose it makes sense that he holds her while I eat. It’s strange because no matter how tired I am, if someone else is holding her, I want her back in my arms… _even if I complain about my arms always being occupied_. I can’t help it. She’s adorable.

 

“She’s got your nose.” Rafael grins while peeking over my shoulder as I cuddle Malia on the couch.

His mother left twenty minutes ago and my parents have been back in Maine for a few days now. They’re coming back for Christmas dragging my brother, who’s still seeing Kelly much to my mother’s dismay, with them.

“You can’t tell whose nose she has yet.” I chuckle while looking at her tiny features.

“It’s definitely not mine, but I’d rather her have yours.”

“Why?”

“My nose does not belong on a little girl.” He’s said this as though he has a problem with his nose which is something I can’t understand because I love his nose. It suits him.

“Your nose is perfect and would be adorable on her.”

“Yours will be cuter.” He smirks, leaning forward enough to kiss me.

“Did you know that your nose and ears continue to grow until you die?” I’m apparently so tired I’m to the point of spouting useless knowledge. Knowledge based off the face Rafael has made I possibly should have kept to myself.

“That can not be true.” His hand is feeling his own nose as if determining whether it’s larger than he remembered.

My brain continues to make my mouth speak despite the look on his face. “Bones stop growing after puberty, but cartilage continues to grow. That’s why some old men have really big ears or noses... sometimes both.”

“Not helping Maeve.” His other hand his now on an ear.

“Relax would you... your nose and ears are perfect.” I smile, patting the empty space next to me on the couch.

“You have to say that because you love me.” He grumbles as he sits.

“No I don’t.” This came out more bluntly than I meant it to, but it may be better that it did. “I wouldn’t say anything if I didn’t like your nose. The fact that I love you means I shouldn’t lie to you... not that I should lie to just to make you feel better. I think your nose is perfect.”

“Will you still think that when I look like one of those dinosaurs on C-SPAN...”

This makes me chuckle more than I probably should, but that is where my mind went to too when I thought of old men with big noses as well. “You’re not going to look like that.”

“You can’t know for sure.”

_I really didn’t think he’d be this concerned with his looks..._ “You’re right, I can’t know for sure, but even if you do end up looking like one of those dinosaurs on C-SPAN I’ll love you just the same.”

“Promise?” He’s smirking now.

“Promise.”

“Good,” he smiles at my eye roll and kisses my cheek, “I still say she has your nose.”

“If you say so…” Malia has decided to wake from the nap she’s been taking in my arms, only for me to notice she’s been staring at us talk about noses. “She has your eyes.” The irony of this statement isn’t lost on me.

“That you really can’ tell yet,” he chuckles, “she still has that newborn blue color. They won’t change to green, if they change at all, for a while yet.”

“I didn’t mean the color, I meant the shape. Every time I look at her it’s like I’m looking into a tiny pissed off mini version of you.”

Rafael laughs, leaning forward for a better look. Malia’s eyes shift to him, but her expression doesn’t change. “She really does look annoyed most of the time.” He smiles and slips a finger into her tiny hand. “You’re my mini me, huh?”

Malia tightens her fingers around his, the only adjustment to her expression being a slight side eye, shifted in her fathers direction.

 

Rafael went back to work this week, leaving me to figure out a routine that suits Malia and I. She sleeps a lot, which gives me opportunities to straighten things and clean bottles... I haven’t figured out showering yet. I could leave her in her crib or bassinet to sleep while I take the monitor with me to bathroom, but I’m afraid to… _something I probably need to get over._ Instead I do other things, figuring I’ll take one when he gets home. The problem is, when he gets home we figure out dinner and talk, I watched him dote on Malia… Before I knew it, it’d been three days and I feel disgusting.

Rafael gives me a curious look when he sets his briefcase down, but doesn’t say anything. My hair is thrown in a ponytail, but nothing can hide how greasy it looks. I’m wearing the same pajama pants I put on the Sunday before he started back at work… the top has been changed multiple times due to a variety of messes.

“I need a shower.” I grumble when he eyes the shoulder of my shirt where Malia spit up less than ten minutes before.

“No one is stopping you.” He smirks, seemingly amused by my slobbish state. I gesture to the tiny baby latched to my boob and he chuckles. “Ok, once she’s finished no one is stopping you.”

“What do you want for dinner?”

“What do you want?”

_I’m pretty sure every couple does this every night..._ I actually want something specific so I cut the back and forth down quickly. “A salad.”

And he’s smirking again. “You want a salad?”

“Yes,” I nod, “a large salad with lots of fresh veggies on it.”

“No cheese fries then?”

Malia finishes and I pass her off to him. “Nope. Find a place we can get a salad while I shower.” _I picked the food, he can source where to get it..._

 

I’ve put on actual clothes since I figure we’ll have to get out of the house to find food and I actually feel somewhat human again when I get downstairs. Malia is asleep on Rafael’s shoulder causing me to pause, taking in the two of him, the burp cloth draped over the shoulder of his dress shirt.

Rafael hands me his phone, showing me little salad place within walking distance of his apartment. It has preset options or build your own and we can eat there or get it to go. I nod and he slips Malia into her carrier, places that on the stroller it attaches to, and pulls the privacy screen down in hopes she’ll continue to sleep as we walk to the restaurant.

I’m not really paying attention to what Rafael orders, but my salad has tomatoes, cheese, chickpeas, cucumbers, corn, carrots, and avocado. I’ve decided on chicken as my protein and an herb vinaigrette for the dressing. I was never really a ranch person before becoming pregnant and I’m glad to see that its appeal was temporary. My salad is colorful and I’m more excited than I should be that this place is within walking distance. _Our little Gastropub is going to wonder what happened to us._

 

“I’m not sure I’ve seen you eat a potato since Malia was born.” Rafael chuckles while glancing at my salad.

We decided not to risk Malia waking up in the restaurant, despite it being a fairly casual one, and opted to bring the food home. It’s just easier this way if she does wake up. There’s more places to put her and we don’t feel like we’re bothering other people if she cries.

“I’m pretty potatoed out.” I actually really like potatoes, I always have, but I’ve eaten so many over the last nine months I just haven’t been in the mood for them.

I oddly find myself craving apples now... crisp, cold apples. The sweetness being just light enough to stave off other sugary cravings. The fridge’s crisper is loaded up with them and I will probably cut one up for desert. Rafael joked about me being knocked up again, but it was literally a joke. We haven’t had sex since she was born... I haven’t even gone back for my six week follow up visit.

“What are you two doing tomorrow?”

“She will do a lot of napping while I try in vain to settle on a routine that allows me to shower.”

Rafael chuckles, the fine lines crinkling around his eyes as he glances up from his food to look at me. “Carmen wanted to know if you’d bring Malia by the office sometime so she could meet her.”

“Are you too busy for lunch tomorrow?”

“I should be free.”

“I’ll bring her up around noon then... I make no promises to be on time.” He knows being late drives me nuts, but he also knows that I can barely get us out the door on time for things with his help. _I’ll just have to get everything ready that morning so hopefully all I have to do is change her._

“Whenever is fine. There’s a few other people that seem to not believe I’ve procreated. I’d like to show her off to them as well.” He’s made an amused little smirk which I involuntarily smile at. I can’t help it. He’s cute when he’s proud of himself... especially when he’s fawning over our tiny human.


End file.
